Tuesday, June 24, 2008

sigh

Had a lazy Fete St Jean. I think I've slept 12 hours today, and still tired.

The HH. Meh. Stay tuned. I don't know what to do or think, so I've decided to do nothing. Unfortunately I think about him constantly. My girlfriend says he came back for a reason, and it's usually closure. I ain't feelin' any of that right now. i'm completely mixed up, can't understand why he would do what he's done, make all the effort, and then be romancing someone else at the same time via email.

But. I guess I don't get much do I?

I've just decided to leave it alone. I think/know he hasn't told this other woman the truth in alot of instances, but has he lied to me? My gut says no. But who the hell knows?

See I had this boyfriend about a year and a half ago. If you can call him that. He ended up being a very good liar, pretty much compulsive, and a crack addict, functioning crack addict. So my trust....not so good. In fact, it takes alot for a man to earn my trust.

Thought he'd done that and wanted to make an effort.

I have the urge to ask him what he wants from me. But I'm thinking that is showing my hand a bit too much. As though I actually care. I don't like appearing that way.

Geez. Two weeks of happy and here I sit, unhappy. Watched 2 romantic movies that I cried the whole way through, reinstated my online dating profile (I disable it frequently due to the large amount of men only wanting sex from me, which is not something that I will jump into so screw them), and I sit wondering what's wrong with me.

I know what's wrong with me. Most men profess to want a strong, confident, self-sufficient woman. And when they meet one, don't know what to do with her.

Doesn't mean I don't have my soft side. It just means that I'm smart enough to not trust every idiot out there, and it takes some time to get to know me.

If he was interested, he'd make more of an effort. He's made none in the past week and a bit.

Screw it.

Screw it all.

Sigh.

So I had a poutine and a trip to DQ. It makes the sex cravings go away.

Kiss cravings? That would make me happy, I don't ask for much at this point truthfully. From an employed guy that heats my loins...would be nice.

4 comments:

Surfergrrl said...

yeah, sigh is right. this line stuck out to me..

"I have the urge to ask him what he wants from me."

Now I ask you what you want from you? As much as I TOTALLY understand having the "feelings" of someone who is not right for you, you can control what you do or don't do. It may be easy for me to say, but if you are not getting anything out of it except misery, then he doesn't deserve an ounce of your energy. Easier said that done, I know...but there is NOTHING wrong with you or what you want in a guy. Stick with that thought.

myself said...

I think what I meant by that is why is he bothering with me? I mean seriously, why make a huge production of wanting to see me, paying me all this attention and then buggering off only for me to figure out what I figured out?

Seriously.

As for him causing me misery....I think I've caused myself misery. I think I things that weren't there maybe. Fatal fault of mine. No surprise there.

I have to sort thru all of this in my own brain, and if I ignore him in the meantime...all the better...

Technodoll said...

If you put yourself FIRST then I think things should be quite clear... if a man does not treat you like gold, walk away. And don't look back.

You will always get the love you think you deserve (I will never tire of saying that) so it's not only OK to have minimum standards and expectations from a man, it's necessary.

I got tired of being treated like shit from men - the day I said "ENOUGH!" was the day I put myself first and you know what? I have gold in my life now.

Never gonna trade that for anything in the world.

You can do it!

Prin said...

(hugs)