Tuesday, February 14, 2012

So. This wasn't supposed to happen again. Was it world?

Sunday, February 12, 2012


To add to the below...nothing brings me down more than feeling more positive and having someone remind me of my faults in a relationship. Someone that means well, and wants to point things out but it makes me feel absolutely horrible and ruins all the positive thoughts that actually were going through my mind.

Doesn't sound like a big deal, but it really is...takes a lot to get me feeling positive about my life, about myself, a lot of work, and something so little from someone I consider to be a friend and generally respect the opinions of, is hurtful. And damaging.

Because, no one is perfect. I know what my faults are, I can see what the faults of others are. I have made a large effort to change my issues, but most of them manifest in relationships and dating, both of which I don't have much to do with. So it's going to be trial and error. I have no options in that.

rambling post of annoyance

No people. You don't know what goes on in my head.

The 2 sides of me. One wants a man in her life, a companion of the opposite sex. The other thinks that I forget what it was like and it'll be too much of a pain in the ass as it's been in the past.

I don't like dating. So truthfully, recently I haven't bothered. A friend was all gung ho about fixing me up with someone she knows, but that seems to have fallen through for whatever reason....and truthfully, that's about as much dating related stuff as I can manage, or really want right now. Although there is some brief communication between he and I, it's not something I can do on my own, and frankly, I won't. No more running after men who are disinterested or unavailable. And that I've never even met, I mean, that's supposed to be the whole purpose of fixing people up, isn't it?

I have no interest in the dating sites, I have no interest in dating services/speed dating I just figure that the more I chase after something the further away it will get.

A friend says that I am wishing something never happens with a man with my attitude and that I just don't realize it. Except, I think that she and I have a different idea of what what we want in a man. What she has for the most part I would find smothering. That doesn't mean that I want nothing. It doesn't mean I don't want someone to love and love me, it just means my criteria are different from hers. And that I really really really don't need someone in my life.

Because believe me, if I needed someone, they would be here. They would be completely and utterly wrong for me, and I'd probably be miserable, but I wouldn't be alone.

I'm not prepared to give in to that trade off.

So. I've been single for 7 years. And sometimes don't feel that will ever change, but am truthfully, really much more thankful for my life the way it is alone then miserable with the wrong guy.

When I watch my attached friends, I know that's it's not all perfection and there is so much that can be messed up. Even in the seemingly good relationships there is dysfunction. Do those people see it? Some do, some don't....I prefer being self aware enough to know that just plain being in a relationship is not enough to counteract possibly being miserable.

I'm trying to live now. And not look to the future. I have the past down pat. It's the past. Period. Gone, over with, no use crying over spilled milk and ruining my current life. No, I'm not always the happiest I could be. But I also no longer feel unhappy, and that's a huge improvement over, say, last year at this time.

I'm good with that.

Monday, January 2, 2012

new year

it's the new year.



Tuesday, December 27, 2011

are we done yet?

Goddamned Christmas is gone, #10 or 11 alone, I can't recall. Misery, I had to stay away from Facebook for a few days, I was ranty, everyone was gloatingly happy and shiny.

Now the next hurdle, New Year. No matter how I try, make plans, go through with the plans, I end up crying at the end of the night while I watch the couples around me. And crabby. And nasty.

I'm tired. I don't want to make any efforts for other people. I just want to hide away in my little hole, but yet I force myself. Which is, frankly, hell. But I force myself.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Ever have one of those regretful days?

When you regret every word that comes out of your mouth, flying from your fingers, every decision made, every choice?

I'm having a day like that.

I can't even list out what I regret today. Number one currently though is not doing what I wanted to and moving. I should have left town. Now it's a double regret. 20 years ago I didn't and then a year ago I didn't. Both had their own situations. I had my reasons for both. But I'm still here and I still don't want to be, but at this point, I'm too damned tired and too damned old to make that move. I don't have it in me. So, I'll just be regretful.

I regret getting married. I regret the guy after my marriage. I pretty much regret any man post marriage, period. With exception of probably one, who was a nothing more than sex man, but for whatever reason I don't understand sought me out to keep in touch with me a year or so after I disappeared from his life (my life was mixed up and pretty much shit at the time, I so did him a favor). It will never be anything, but I don't regret him, nor was he a bad experience to me at all. And he's a nice enough dude, with exception of reminding me of the good things about my ex husband, which is semi-creepy and ok at the same time. Again, nothing there.

I just feel lost. Again. I can't keep hold of anything in my life. My house is a mess, my job is chaos, I have no desire to see most of my friends because they're driving me insane, I can't stand anything right now.

Am I depressed? No. I think I see yet another year coming to a close, end result the same, nothing changes, superficially it does, but deep down, I'm in the same rut I was last year at this time, just considerably more unencumbered (last year was hell). Each year should get better, I make the effort for it to get better, but it doesn't, the shit just continues. My bad luck, karma, whatever it may be. I have no clue anymore.

I know nothing anymore. No pill will cure this, no person will help it, it's up to me, and I just no longer have the energy to bother.

Sunday, December 4, 2011


I don't understand why people float in and out of our lives. Are they there to teach us some sort of a lesson?

I have so many examples that would take way too long to explain. When it comes to men, a friend has a theory that I'm the backburner girl, that's why they return. No man that I actually like is focused on me, more so on themselves. In some cases I can see that possibly, but in others no.

There are people I feel have left me with no lessons whatsoever. Friends that are no longer friends, men that are no longer prospects (well really none of them can be called prospects...they either like me to the point i really want nothing to do with them or I have interest and theirs in me is incredibly minimal, never any common ground there).

What's their purpose? I fail to see it. That I pick the wrong people as boyfriend prospects and friends? Well...enough already. Universe, how about proving to me that people aren't crazy or just plain horrible??? How would that be for a change? Because honestly, all that's proven to me day after day in my dating life is that either I'm not worthy or they're not worthy. In terms of friendships, I'm sent people who are broken that I don't want to help fix...and so I shoo them away.

The point? I have no idea.

I sometimes wonder if my last day on earth will be filled with the following. Why?

I understand none of it.