Thursday, April 22, 2010


I am reading everyone's posts, just not necessarily commenting, I'm not coherent enough to get a thought out's kinda sad :(

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

okey okey

I know. Bad blogger.

So here it is, in snippets, the good and the bad:

Good - insurance settled with me for more than what my kitchen will actually cost
Bad - fuckers cancelled my house insurance, yes, for making a claim (how dare I?)

Good - out and about taking photos etc
Bad - I'm so tired and have no time

Good - went looking at new places to live & saw one I'm in love with
Bad - I'm nowhere near close to being ready to sell my place (see above insurance/kitchen issues), it'll be gone by the time I'm ready, but my agent now knows what I'm looking for

Good - I got majorly headhunted. 6 figures headhunted.
Bad - I'm too tired to start a new job, although I will go and interview anyway. You never know.

Good - well there is no good to this
Bad - work wise, I think I'm stuck in Montreal. :( No England for me. The dream has died.

In other news, I'm lonely. To quote Carrie Bradshaw "I'm lonely. The loneliness is palpable". At the urging of a friend I reinstated 2 online dating profiles, which have netted me absolutely disgusting men I wouldn't go near if they were the last men on earth and a nice looking dude that I had to report to the website as being a Nigerian scammer (I knew immediately, I'm good at that). Oh and of course the guys looking for nothing but sex. Because being overweight, naturally, I'm good for nothing better, right? Yeah. NOT.

Yay me. So fucking dateable.

Family-wise, at the urging of a friend (same one who suggested the dating sites..maybe I should smack her?) I emailed my dad the full situation concerning funeral day and my "unacceptable" behavior of wanting to be left the fuck alone so I didn't lose it. He hasn't answered it, but has apologized stating how busy he's been and he's going to. Whatever. I have no family. Fine.

Heard from the Brit. Just asking if I'm ok. Answered that I'll live and left it at that, a one liner. Too little, too late.

In other news, I'm in love with Hawksley Workman. Goddamnit he's adorable. Look him up and then feel free to tell me I'm crazy because he's a little, balding, chubby guy, but he has the nicest, smiliest eyes, and is a bit crazy in the thought processes, which I'm familiar with because I'm the same. Photographing him was great, and he's a fantastic musician, so much so I couldn't pull myself away like I usually do when I'm done with the shooting, I stayed til the bitter end.

I'll try to write more. I promise. I'm just swamped.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

and so that's passed

Easter has been and gone, and I think I slept right through it. Oh and edited photos. Yey. By the metric tonne.

Four days and I did absolutely frigging nothing around my house. Seriously didn't even vacuum, and I really need to get cracking.

I think I may have decided what to do after selling my house, but I'll keep that to myself for now. Not so certain about moving right now. Or ever. Oh I don't know anymore.

I'm attempting to save money using this website that gives you 5 day dinner meal plans based on the local sales at the grocery's working really really well, called for anyone in Canada that might be interested, I'm doing the express meals and it plans out your grocery list, a plan of action and tells you where to get certain items that are on sale at the local grocery stores. Very useful, and my plan is no waste of food. Going well so far!

Um. Not sure what else to tell. Not much exciting. Work, photography, pets.

My new bunny is working well, litter training is a bit difficult, she's older, they usually learn when they've been spayed...but, um, if peeing on my arm is any indication, not so much. She sleeps on my pillow. She loves me. She licks. And she and my boy seem to have come to an agreement to not kill each other. It's certainly not love like it was between Tao & Molly, which was immediate and as we say here in Quebec, a coup de foudre (lightening bolt). This is more of an arranged marriage :)

When she's more comfy, I'll get some photos.

Anyway, I'm tired, so that's it.....I'm not bright enough to write enough today (although that rhymed yey me).

Soundtrack: City & Colour "Forgive Me" & Chantal Kreviazuk "Waiting for the Sun"

Saturday, April 3, 2010

what the hell?

I don't even have sunscreen yet, and it's supposed to be 26C today.

It's frigging APRIL!

So yeah, no problem, I'll remain indoors until late September...except when there's no sun...yeah no problem....sigh....

Thursday, April 1, 2010

family & why I hate them

Really really long story here, see if you can keep up. It's been at the forefront of my week this.

When I was about 4 and asserted my independence, sort of around the same time my baby-loving mother had my middle sister, my mother decided she didn't like me much. It was inconceivable to my maternal grandmother as well as my father, and she wasn't able to offer an explanation. I don't actually think she knows why to this day (not that it's ever discussed except for her to say "oh that's right, blame me for everything"). It was bandied about that perhaps I kept her from becoming a full RN (back in the day if you had children you weren't allowed to go to nursing school here in Canada) and she resented me for that, or I was just really independent and she didn't like that (I was, and still am).

So, my parents went on to have 2 more daughters other than me. And I was ignored by my mother except for the basics of life (I don't deny she cared for me, but how much is in question), blamed for much of anything my sisters did (the middle one used to purposely do things, blame me, and my mother to this day doesn't believe it was her, even though the youngest was there to witness and says it was).

My mother and I were far from close, in fact she was nasty to me, my dad and maternal grandmother did all they could to make up for it. According to my Grannie (and now you know why she was so important to me) told me of the arguments the 3 of them would have concerning me and my mother's outright dislike.

She shipped me off every holiday/summer to my Grannie. So she became my mom, or the closest thing I had to one other than biologically.

High school was rough. I'd see the relationships between my friends and their mothers, and wish I had something somewhat the same. If wishes were horses or whatever.

I moved out at 18 1/2. Just after finishing CEJEP and dropping out of McGill.

I remember my mother's birthday party, first time my ex husband met my mother. My mom was so nasty to me that, and I quote, my ex husband said "I adore your dad, but I never want to see that woman again, she treats you like shit". I'd say something, ask if I could help, she'd ignore me or shoo me or just be plain nasty.

I was in a car accident in 2002, we were broadsided on my side of the car when on vacation in a remote part of Quebec (les Iles de la Madeleine for those who live here, which accounts for probably 50% of my 2 readers :P), I was hospitalized for a week, should have been longer but my ex husband (who was only my boyfriend for about a month at that point) had to get back to work and I wanted to recuperate back in Montreal. Broke my pelvis, major damage to my rear end, back, legs, I had to learn to walk again. This freaked my mom out. Completely. Also coincides with when she started taking Prozac (it was just out on the market), what I didn't realize other than the migraines is that my mother suffers from anxiety and depression. She was extremely worried, extremely concerned and that was a bit of a turning point between she and I.

But I won't lie and say it completely changed. She was and still can be very nasty in terms of me, I will never have the relationship that my sisters have with my mother, and as a result, when I attend family things alone, I feel like an outsider, not like part of the family at all.

Fast forward to my paternal grandmothers funeral. For those who can't keep up, I've had alot of stress and loss recently, Grannie gone, then Grandma, and during that week I turfed The Brit, my rabbit died (the morning of the funeral), house issues and issues with money.

I don't tell my family everything. They know about the grandmothers and the rabbit. They don't know anything else. I don't feel they need to know about everything in my life, I'll get a lecture about the money, I'll get a lecture on the house, I'll get a lecture on The Brit.

During the funeral, I stayed back. I am so close to tears right now, I can cry at the drop of a hat, and I don't like showing weakness, not to mention at the funeral were non-family members. I didn't greet people at the viewing, I sat away from everyone and tried to keep it together. During the service I didn't sit with my family, I sat in the appropriate section, but way at the back. Same at the gravesite.

I don't want to bawl in public, I want to reserve that for my time. I don't feel I need to explain that.

Seriously, I've never felt so alone in my life as I did that day. Not to mention, every family member is paired up, I didn't have anyone to lean on or be there for me.

I got hell from my youngest sister who said I was being disrespectful not speaking to people and keeping away, that I was acting like a child.

I left. They were all going to my parents. But I had a grieving rabbit at home I was worried about and dogs to walk & feed.

On Tuesday this week, I got a thank you note from my parents. In it was a nice note from my mother thanking me for being a pallbearer. And a note from my dad (who I have been closest to) giving me hell for behaving like a child, embarassing him, and to stay away from family gatherings if I was going to behave like that.

Of anyone other than my Grannie, my father has always understood me.

I ripped that up, and decided that fine, I would stay home from now on. I dread family functions anyway. I always feel like an outsider no matter what.

Then I get an email from my dad, both of my sisters CCd on it, concerning my niece's birthday and Easter celebrations. Saying that no bad behavior will be tolerated from me that I am not to ruin my niece's day.

I responded back that I'm staying home.

And I never will again. I'm done. I don't need my family, of all people to make me feel like I am crap and useless, aren't they the ones that are supposed to love you unconditionally?

I've been to therapy quite a few times in my life. I think some of my coldness stems from this whole thing, perhaps that's why I have no boyfriend, I am so hard to get to know....

All I know, is I'm so hurt. Horribly hurt. And give up on trying to explain myself to anyone in my family.