Thursday, April 30, 2009

I think, therefore I'm confused

Think I am going to create another blog. Register a domain and review shows. Everybody's doing it, I may as well, it will refer to my photography website. Yep. Sounds like a plan.

Course when I finally do it, well, who the hell knows eh? And it won't be referenced here for privacy reasons. As in, I open my gob way too much and don't want people to see me bitching about them.

It's my bitch blog and if I wasn't so FREAKING passive agressive, I'd confront all of my people demons and deal with them immediately until waiting til things came to a head.

Woulda coulda.

On which note, my friend with the issues is on an upswing mood today, thank geezus. Thing is, I'm never sure when she's going to be snapping at me in anger (and then apologizing for it later, when she's thought about it and realized she's wrong). It's like hitting someone and then saying "I'm sorry", the I'm sorry does eventually lose it's impact and the person is left wishing they'd deal with their issues.

I wish she'd deal with her issues, quit reading self-help books that convince her that everything is the man's problem and that she deserves so much better, and just deal.

You know, I have a male friend that says those things are the bane of his existence, especially when women take them verbatim. We have issues when it comes to relationships past & present, is it not possible that men do too? I have alot of male friends, while they deal with things like break-ups, relationships & feelings differently then women, they still have emotions and still have difficulties dealing.


Yeah. I'm a woman's best friend. You won't hear me saying "you go girl" when a woman "stands up" for herself due to some perceived slight on a man's part. I've seen it happen too many times, this whole issue of a woman taking problems from past relationships and using them against their current love interest. Emotional baggage is and can be a relationship killer, and we women have to remember to take some time between men to straighten ourselves out.

See, my friend, she said she did that, and no, she didn't date anyone for a full year, which for her is unheard of, but don't kid yourself that there weren't interests on her part, and she was still giving off the "I'm looking" vibe even though she gave great lip-service to not looking. I called bullsh*t....and she was having none of it.

Oh well. I mean, believe me, I've had to deal with my own past demons, which were truly horrible, however, I actually took about 2 years of self-imposed non-man territory to do it in. I "still" give off the I'm-not-looking vibe I'm told, which is more habit then anything else.

I don't know. I'd like us to start taking accountability for problems in relationships, our choice of men (a good job, nice car, and hot looks do not the perfect man make). And stop blaming men for absolutely everything that goes wrong in a relationship or the beginning of one, they're human too, although we sometimes wonder....and it drive me insane.

End of rant that wasn't supposed to be a rant...go figure!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

my mind...

is in Tennessee.

Not due to work, although that might make sense, but due to a certain person that is there for another 4.5 weeks. Well ok, until next weekend if I'm truthful.

What will happen with said person? I have no idea. All I can tell you is that I wish he was here.

GChat just doesn't do it I'm afraid. Although it's better than nothing.



I stand corrected by himself....3.5 weeks....

Tuesday, April 28, 2009



Yeah. Thinking. I do way too much of this activity, between work and my personal life.

About work and the things going on here, how to get more business, how to maintain what we have, what's going on with the economy. My photography, how to get more gigs, more easily, who I should photograph. My relationship status (what relationship?) and the how's and whys of my singledom (although I'm a bit busy for consideration of that at this moment). Music, money, the house, my car (wahhhhh, my car company is being divested...boooo!), friends, who is and who isn't.

What's it all about? I have no idea, all I know is I better enjoy it while I have it. Something with a friend of mine has given me pause to sit and think about what I want in my life and who I want in my life. I don't have the energy to worry about someone else, who is an adult, and should be able to take care of herself mentally, and yet, she's my friend, is this not what we're supposed to do? I'm just tired of walking on eggshells with her, due to her insecurities and self-image issues. Worried when the mood is going to snap, leaving me completely secuire in the fact that I know why she's single (no man is going to deal with that moodiness - hell, I don't want to).

All of this just indicates to me my level of security in myself, which, I realize doesn't always come across here, being that this is what I term my "bitch blog". You guys get to hear when I'm feeling my worst.

But all in all, like I said to a friend in relation to this other friend, I'm pretty ok with myself. Friend with problems....she's gained weight, is having self-image issues, and down at the bottom of it, she gets her validation from men being interested in her, and she's not getting that, it's totally coming across in her mood.

Well, when it comes to the weight, you sort of have 2 choices. Live with it the way it is and shut the f*ck up about it, or do something. I chose to do something, I was a size 22, I now wear size 14 pants (barely, but man oh man I get in them). For me, it's almost 20 lbs a size, so that's almost 100's taken a good length of time, and alot of adjustment and hard work. I don't eat the way I used to, what with blood-pressure & food intolerance issues. But she's got a choice, and needs to quit looking for validation in the interest of men.

Talks a good game does that girl, but when she doesn't get the male interest she's craving, she becomes crazy.

And I can't take it much longer and am running out of patience.

Am I a bad friend?

Anyway. This post is going nowhere quickly....I'm not sure what in hell I'm talking about anymore.

I'm already living in airconditioning, I have a huge migraine due to humidity, it feels like July in Montreal, I'd like my spring please. I can't handle the summer, and I already feel like there's a huge weight on my chest (I have asthma, and smog/humidity/blooming plants etc do NOT help it) itchy lumps on my arms from the drive into work.

Sigh. Thank you to all that messed up this world before me and it's resulted in July in April. We're not all lizards, due to my family background etc, I was made for milder climates, rainy, cool, not this ridiculous heat & humidity.

When I wish for winter, it must not be pretty.

And that's the end of my ramble.

More later maybe.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

it's getting hot in here

The weather. Freaking 25th of April and it's 26C out there (that's 79F to you peeps in the US).


I don't like heat. I don't do heat. To give you an idication, I've gotten my first case of heat rash for 2009, and it's only April. In Montreal, this is unheard of.

If this is a precursor to the rest of the summer, I'm basically f*cked.

As for the situation that I don't want to talk''s.....


That's all you get.

Is this a leading text message by the way? Between said friend and I...I went out to meet friends last night - and the texts went like this:

myself: this comes to you via drunken texting...yes...already...hahahaha!!!!!

friend: already???!!! :)

myself: takes 1 drink...sooo sad, this is why I warn you about the wine...U'll do
just about anything I'm told after a 1/2 a bottle....



GOD....I hit send on that last one, and then went DOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I am an idiot.

Anyhoodles. I apparently just told him I want to see him naked according to a male friend.

Nice one myself! Please note I have yet to hear from him. Oops.

Anyhoo, that's all that's fit to print at this point.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

could it be?

Really? Could it be something that I've wanted like, forever, could actually happen?

I don't want to jinx it by telling y'all, but, I'm feeling very positive. Which in and of itself is very unusual anyway....

Can't wait for Friday :)

Monday, April 20, 2009

el sicko

I am NOT shaking this stupid cold. Ridiculous.

I just don't have time to be sick again, so I'm sure that's prolonging the misery, however, it's not like I've been out late late recently. Oh gack. I would give my left arm to be able to breath through my nose, and not cough myself into throwing up. Yeehaw.

On a happier note, I had a photography weekend, sped up to Ottawa on Saturday night to shoot a few Six Shooter Record artists, Melissa McClelland and Justin Rutledge. Melissa has a new album out last week, Victoria Day, and she was fantastically amazing, and Justin, well, I love that voice, it is so amazingly soothing... Ended my evening chatting with Luke Doucet and his dad about hockey. My team is tanking in a big way, and discussion ensued. Nice people all around, his dad reminds me a lot of my dad.

Then last night, went to shoot 2 bands I didn't know. One is from Toronto, We Are The Take, and I was pleasantly surprised. They opened up for Thriving Ivory, who are on a promo tour of Canada right now, hail from California. I was impressed with both bands, and enjoyed them greatly. As usual, the Canadian band was approachable (I hadn't gotten an ok to photograph them, but as they opened for Thriving Ivory I took some shots and just wanted to know where to send a link for them to see them - caught them in a greasy spoon across from the venue!) - and poor dudes had just gotten their van broken into. Welcome to the shitty area of Montreal dudes (our small concert venues are in the worst area fact, my car got broken into around the same place give or take a block or 2 - lovely!)

SPCA yesterday afternoon, I hate people, we got a baby chicken found roaming the streets of Montreal alone (TD? can I interest you in a chick extra early?). Four rabbits as the result of an idiot photo studio's promo of giving away rabbits when you had your photo taken with them (we tried to get that shut down, and it didn't work, but next year, next year, it won't f-ing happen again if we have our way). Sweet baby bunnies, 3 months old. Wish I could take them all home, but my little rascals are enough for me!

And this weekend breakfast with my friend....that'll keep me happy and cheery for the week to come, I haven't seen him in a while, he's the one....the one....oh I just don't know what to call him, what category to put him into.

I'm not a huge Colbie Caillat fan, but these lyrics from her song "Realize" make me think of the big goof (we'll call him PK).

"If you just realize, what I just realized
Then we’d be perfect for each other and we’ll never find another
Just realize what I just realized,
we’d never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now"

Of course, this is something I realized a long time ago. We've never spoken of it, but who the hell knows right? Yes, same guy who's making me dinner when he's back for good.

And that's all there is fit to print in the world of myself.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

smelly hair wonderfulness!

So, I'm mucho late doing this....I've been very remiss.....however....

Thanks to the wonderful people at, I am checking out the new Hydralicious shampoo line....

Now, I'll admit, I already use Herbal Essences, Body Envy, so I am somewhat biased towards this brand anyway. I have horrible thin, bodiless hair, and it's one of the very few that actually does anything.

So, I got my lovely care package from and lo and behold, Hydralicious shampoos in every type!

Now, I can only use the one for thin, limp hair (how sad does that sound?), so I gave the others away, one set to a friend, another set to a co-worker, who are going to report to me how they like it.

So, me and the Featherweight shampoo & conditioner are now like "this" (imagine me crossing 2 fingers!)

Oh.the.smell. What I love about the Herbal Essences, is true for the Hydralicious.

Now generally speaking, I normally am unable to use conditioner, I have dry ends to my hair, but conditioner weighs it down something wicked. Well, I can now! Wow, it actually works well! My hair is in great shape, and I can condition it!

Well recommended, seriously, and the ladies so far are very pleased, each with their Self-targeting and Reconditioning shampoos and conditioners....

Love it.

Friday, April 17, 2009


Seriously, I'm alive. Barely, but that's because I'm sick, yet-a-freaking-gain, and very busy in both work and side well as SPCA stuff (5 hamsters. Yeah. shut up k?)

Photography has been insane, to list people you will all actually know (or may not first one is an older dude), I photograped (and met) Johnny Winter (my contact was his guitarist who is a good looking dude!) and also photographed The Fray - meeting a contact from Sony BMG that complimented my photography and is sending me an invite to a CD launch for a new local band. Woot?

So, of course, it's never all bad right.

Between work, chatting with PK and sleeping my arse off, I've pretty much had no time. Didn't even jam this week, which is fine, because Jam Flirt and the Leggy Blonde are back together, and jesus murphy if Leggy Blonde isn't a cling-on who is irritating me (perhaps due to what I suspect may be space between her ears...oh, is that mean?)

I did manage to go shoe shopping early this the following shoes, which are beautiful (have I mentioned my problem as a shoe whore?)

Michael Kors - but in brown

and - I hate to admit this, Jessica Simpson, in bone

I'm a shoe slut.

Back soon for more...ok tomorrow!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

I have the vacation lazies

Even as we speak, I'm putting off cleaning the house....I mean seriously, someone will he here at 6 to cut my hair, someone at 7 to buy my old camera, and the joint is a complete and utter pig sty.

Me? Sitting here blogging. DUHHHHHH. Oh and watching The F Word. I love me some gordon Ramsay. Reer (I know I know, he cheated bla bla bla....oh well!)

Taking HF to the airport this afternoon so he can get to South America for a few weeks. Need to get veg for the bunnies & myself...and I'll get absolutely none of this done today, will only get it done tomorrow probably. Oh well. I suck.

So. Figured I'd check in for now, and run off to actually vacuum.

Yay? Not.

Friday, April 3, 2009

I'm a frigging dichotomy

There are 2 parts to my being.

First one being my desire for autonomy.

I can't stand the idea of someone clinging to me, not being able to make up my own mind, not taking anyone other than myself into consideration. I never did enjoy the obligation that goes along with being a couple. Having to attend family functions, visit with friends that, quite frankly, I didn't like. Having to endure things he enjoyed but I loathed, but god forbid I didn't go along.

Then there's that lonely beast inside me.

Lonely for male company. Someone else to enjoy life with. Someone to give a crap about me, and me them.

These two sides are always at war inside me. Always. I never want to give up my independence again, and I don't believe you have to when in a couple. But it's so easy to get caught up in it, not being able to make a move without the other person.

And I never ever want to allow myself to be in that position again.

What to do?

My list of "requirements", although very fair & very unsuperficial for the most part, tends to cause me huge issues. Most of which stems from my desire for childless men. That's a hard one at my age. Also my desire for non-clingy, non-controlling men. It never fails, anyone I meet that might be interested is one of those two or has kids. Or perhaps all 3.

Not that I meet that many that are interested.

All of this stems from a situation I'm in....well not in, because I refuse to be in it. Ever meet a man that just gave you pause? He's cute, he's a musician, has a job, a car a roof over his head, self-sufficient....but dammitall...clingy. And on top of it, there's something that just has kept me from even going there, making me run away actually.

Well...I found out what it was, what this intuition of mine keeps telling me, he had (or has) a drinking issue. We were at the same place Saturday, and a friend that knows him pretty well was telling me that he had a problem with drinking last year. Well. I think it's still there, cuz he drank beer Saturday.

Ding ding ding! No thanks. Been there done that with the crack head. Hell. My ex husband was addicted to pot, or rather, the feeling of relaxation it gave him.

Never again.

But can you believe, even though he's got drinking issues, has a child with a bad relationship with the ex, AND on top of it, the static cling issue that turns me right off, I've had people telling me that maybe I should consider it.

And that gets my back up.

Am I really that bad, that horrible looking, that terrible a person that no one but this flawed (sorry, not dealing with your addiction issues is flawed) person could ever want me?

I tend to think not (the little devil on my shoulder sometimes tells me that IS the case).

Which is where we come to the dichotomy.

While I would love to be in a decent relationship....I would rather be alone then date this guy.

Bad attitude some say.

I say I know what I don't want. I can't say I know exactly what I want, because truly, I am not sure I do, but I do know what I don't want, and that's the greatest indicator right there.

These days, I'm up and I'm down. The whole JF thing really threw me for a loop, I really don't think I'm that little aware of things around me, and contend, that he is interested, but the Barbie doll is more in keeping visually with what he thinks he needs and wants, and well, so be it. He's a good guy, but I'm not sitting around hoping for that. No point. I've wasted alot of time in the past on that. But then again, what is life if we don't have hope?

Lines from a song I love:

"I've got a heart, that goes without saying
hearts are for hope and mine has been praying
that since I've come to you this sadness ain't staying
cause you might think I am good enough"

Thanks Rose Cousins :)

So I guess, that as hopeless as I tend to feel, somewhere inside me there must be a glimmer of hope that I don't spend the rest of my life alone, that someone out there might some day reflect the interest that I have in them back at me....but I suppose I'm just not counting on it.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

I've got


Pretty much.

Last jam night at the place down the road. For reasons that I am also aware of, the band decided they didn't want to host there anymore. It's ok we have somewhere else to do things starting next week. However, it was fun, and too bad it's done. The new option will be much cheaper and less greasy...

As a result, I am pretty much exhausted, but we all expected that, didn't we?

I need to get divorced. Which means I have to call my ex husband and see if he ever got his birth certificate. Something so simple, so cheap and yet, 8 years and counting. Sigh. Then my friend will help me finish the paperwork and we're done, plain and simple.

I think I'm already starting to get seasonal allergies, for which I am not happy...keep waking up snotty, barking like a dog, etc etc etc.

I also need to be training this ass for my MS Walkathon. Geezus.

Anyway, back to work I go....woot?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

is that sun I see?

I am in a mood today.

What mood I can't tell you. It's somewhat negative, that I know for sure.


Not sure.

Sometimes I'm not terribly pleased being me. Today, that is me. Not pleased being me.

Work is busy as sh*t, photography is pretty busy, musical stuff busy, SPCA work is busy....I don't have time to think, ponder, consider how lonely I am for male company....

And yet there it is.

Years. Years, years.....

Oh well.

I think I'm just not feeling comfy in my own skin, for reasons I can't fathom at this point.

Anyway. The sun is finally peeking out, I'm told it'll be sunny and 14C tomorrow, but, when you're stuck in the office, back to the window, I guess that comes under the heading of "really, who cares?"

I am off for a week next week. Can;t wait. I have so much to do at home. House is a disaster.

Enjoy the day all, I need to get ear deep in work!