Tuesday, December 27, 2011

are we done yet?

Goddamned Christmas is gone, #10 or 11 alone, I can't recall. Misery, I had to stay away from Facebook for a few days, I was ranty, everyone was gloatingly happy and shiny.

Now the next hurdle, New Year. No matter how I try, make plans, go through with the plans, I end up crying at the end of the night while I watch the couples around me. And crabby. And nasty.

I'm tired. I don't want to make any efforts for other people. I just want to hide away in my little hole, but yet I force myself. Which is, frankly, hell. But I force myself.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Ever have one of those regretful days?

When you regret every word that comes out of your mouth, flying from your fingers, every decision made, every choice?

I'm having a day like that.

I can't even list out what I regret today. Number one currently though is not doing what I wanted to and moving. I should have left town. Now it's a double regret. 20 years ago I didn't and then a year ago I didn't. Both had their own situations. I had my reasons for both. But I'm still here and I still don't want to be, but at this point, I'm too damned tired and too damned old to make that move. I don't have it in me. So, I'll just be regretful.

I regret getting married. I regret the guy after my marriage. I pretty much regret any man post marriage, period. With exception of probably one, who was a nothing more than sex man, but for whatever reason I don't understand sought me out to keep in touch with me a year or so after I disappeared from his life (my life was mixed up and pretty much shit at the time, I so did him a favor). It will never be anything, but I don't regret him, nor was he a bad experience to me at all. And he's a nice enough dude, with exception of reminding me of the good things about my ex husband, which is semi-creepy and ok at the same time. Again, nothing there.

I just feel lost. Again. I can't keep hold of anything in my life. My house is a mess, my job is chaos, I have no desire to see most of my friends because they're driving me insane, I can't stand anything right now.

Am I depressed? No. I think I see yet another year coming to a close, end result the same, nothing changes, superficially it does, but deep down, I'm in the same rut I was last year at this time, just considerably more unencumbered (last year was hell). Each year should get better, I make the effort for it to get better, but it doesn't, the shit just continues. My bad luck, karma, whatever it may be. I have no clue anymore.

I know nothing anymore. No pill will cure this, no person will help it, it's up to me, and I just no longer have the energy to bother.

Sunday, December 4, 2011


I don't understand why people float in and out of our lives. Are they there to teach us some sort of a lesson?

I have so many examples that would take way too long to explain. When it comes to men, a friend has a theory that I'm the backburner girl, that's why they return. No man that I actually like is focused on me, more so on themselves. In some cases I can see that possibly, but in others no.

There are people I feel have left me with no lessons whatsoever. Friends that are no longer friends, men that are no longer prospects (well really none of them can be called prospects...they either like me to the point i really want nothing to do with them or I have interest and theirs in me is incredibly minimal, never any common ground there).

What's their purpose? I fail to see it. That I pick the wrong people as boyfriend prospects and friends? Well...enough already. Universe, how about proving to me that people aren't crazy or just plain horrible??? How would that be for a change? Because honestly, all that's proven to me day after day in my dating life is that either I'm not worthy or they're not worthy. In terms of friendships, I'm sent people who are broken that I don't want to help fix...and so I shoo them away.

The point? I have no idea.

I sometimes wonder if my last day on earth will be filled with the following. Why?

I understand none of it.