Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Everyone else's world marches on as they should, new significant others, new jobs, new exciting things in their lives. And mine just...doesn't.

Still not happy. Not sure I am ever going to achieve that status.

Monday, September 27, 2010

a smaller head

So. Went to the head shrinker this evening.

Situational depression, totally normal under the circumstances or so she says, this year and all it's brought with it.

She finds it interesting that in circumstances where I'm beholden to someone else, as in, I've made a commitment, so photography, work, friends, I can get myself motivated to get up off the sofa. But circumstances where the motivation needs to be gotten to do something for myself (like cook, do my laundry, clean the house, pay my bills, take care of life in general), I'm unable.

The being able to do it for others is learned from past therapy. Anti-depressants are a problem for me, I can't take them because they do other things to me that aren't good, so I had to learn. And I learned it well. And I'm capable.

As long as it's for someone else and not for myself.

She said it sounds to her, like I'm almost not trying to get myself overseas. But we figured that one out. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the big change. I want to do it, but I'm terrified.

I now feel like I'm all alone in the world because the one person that stood by me, had my back, was there whenever I needed her is gone. My friends can only do so much, mostly because I'll only let them in so far. Grannie was there from the beginning of my life, knew what I went thru as a child, knew why I was the way I was, knew how to get around it. She knew what made me tick. And now I don't have anyone that understands me and my complex personality at all.

And I feel alone.

Which she says is understandable.

She thinks that the stressor of the house being gone and off my back will open up my mind and relieve the huge burden that I've been carrying on my back since about a year ago. It needs to be done in the next 2 months, I've given myself that deadline, November 1st it will be signed over to someone else and who knows where the hell I'll live at that point, but hopefully I can get the England thing to align itself.

We can always hope.

I cried from the moment I walked in there to the moment I left. Still haven't entirely stopped. I don't like crying in public, I don't like people acknowledging me being upset, particularly in person. I've held alot of this in for about a year. Except when I'm alone.

Or venting on this blog. Which seems to be an issue for some people.

We didn't get into how I'm supposed to deal with this feeling of being alone now. I'm hoping she can give me some sort of insight.

I felt a bit clearer about things. Clear as mud. I suppose it'll get better as it goes on.

One of the last things she asked me was if I'm happy with my life. I can honestly say no.

there's nothing I love more....

than being kicked when I'm down.

Thanks to all in my life that have recently done that.

If any of you read this (seeing as I keep it secret, that's doubtful), you'll know who you are. Otherwise, it's out there in the universe, and although I can't take back past support of you, it won't be forthcoming in the future.

Sorry I'm having hard time and it doesn't fit into what you all seem to think my life should be or my attitude should be.

There are things you all don't know. Scary things. Things that make you homeless - and destitute. Stressors in my work I can't write about, which are the reasons I'm on anti-anxiety meds.

I'm past cheering up now. Way past it.

If I was the type to jump off a bridge, I'd have done it by now, I'm sure things will swing upwards.

Of course I've said that for the past year and it hasn't happened, but can always have a tinge of hope.

I'm tired of being judged for what I feel. What I feel is MINE. And I refuse to pretend because it might offend people.

The end.

Saturday, September 25, 2010


Someone said life is beautiful.

I'm unable to concur. I've had enough bad. I'd like some good.

If this is the path that I'm to take, I'd love to know why it was me that is still here, and my life loving, new mother of a sister in law was taken?

The point is what exactly?

I don't believe there is one. and if there is, it's a big old cosmic joke.

Nuff out of me now. I have a house to clean, there's an agent coming to estimate the complete and utter shit hole for me. Joy. What a fucking mess, I'm nowhere near having it clean let alone even neat, it's full to the rafters with shit, and now I get to be embarrassed to have someone in it, but I have no choice.

No options.


This life is a blast. Seriously.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

and so....

it continues.

A nice email at 1:30 am - some well meaning convo via FB up to that point.

Nothing helps much at the moment.

If it's not work, it's my personal finances, personal life. If it's not that, it's the abject loneliness I feel, and that I'm completely and utterly alone in this world and everything I do. And will I ever fulfill my wishes, and if I do that, will I ever be happy with my life? Will I ever meet somoene to treat me decently? You'd think that was a simple request in life, but apparently I have a sign on my forehead that reads "even though I will fight you every step of the way, please treat me like shit".

This had better just be a moon thing. Otherwise I may fall over the edge of this flat earth.

Then there's work bullshit. I've had just about enough of the stupid situation that's happening around here, an exec fucking another employee. He's found out it was me that complained about his lack of attention to the work situation & the flaunting of that relationship, and now I'm being mentally abused, excluded from things that affect me directly in my work.

It's no wonder this world is brought to me by Ativan. And that I had stroke-level blood pressure and was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago.

I want that huge change, and I need to make it happen, and my desire to not get off the sofa or out of bed isn't making it any easier to do all of this.

I do everything I can but some days....I just can't do anymore.

I've arrived at that day once again.


So many problems.

Get one solved, another pops up. Usually worse than the one previous.

I'm not dealing with things very well. Or at all. I'm going to see someone about it on Monday. Grief counsellor. Guess she'll help me thru it?

Left a couple important things to rot to shit because I can't be half arsed. Stupid.

Work has become hell. Stupidity of others


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I'm sick of being me.

End of today's story.

Saturday, September 18, 2010


I'm having a terrible day.

Ever have one of those days when uncontrollable crying over someone is all you can manage?

When everyone around you seems happy & coupley and you, as usual, are not?

Just so lonely you can feel it with all your being?

Yeah. That's me today. Sad. Lonely. Unloved. & missing someone I should never ever considering missing, so much that it hurts.

I want to get to England, crawl into bed with him with my face against his back, his hand on my thigh, like I did this summer. & just listen to him breathe.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

things I shouldn't do

Last weekend, at the urging of a friend, I went to see an astrologer. Something I've never really wanted to waste my $$ on before, but, well, she was insistent.

She of course, as I'd never done this before and was terrified, made me go first.


Name (only first) birthdate, birth time & where was I born.

And then away he went.

The things he shouldn't know:

- that I was married but have been separated a long time
- my father has a blood related problem
- I have 2 siblings
- I've had 2 miscarriages - but have no children (one was a girl he said, that made me cry later when I was alone, as much as I've never really wanted kids)

The good things he said:

- I'm a generally lucky person with a generally easy going chart
- that I'll be divorced from this first husband by my next birthday (that's March peeps!)
- that I'll get married a second time and that will be it (I really have no desire to marry again, but I guess it means someone might love me?)

The big things:

- one of the very first things to pop out of his mouth was "your 42nd year will bring huge changes to your life" (he had to ask me when I am 42, he hadn't calculated that)
- there will be much travelling, overseas
- I am a suspicious person. Very. And I weigh that suspicion against the truth, and frequently screw things up because I go with suspicion (oh yes, this I do).
- there is a man. And in line with the above suspicion, I am not sure whether to believe what he tells me or not, because there's a situation I don't like, he's married or has a woman in some way or another. But I love him. And that when all is said and done, he & I will be fine together, everything will work out, we will get married & I may have a late child because he wants it.

There were a few other things also, but, to the great disappointment of my friend, there's really nothing overly bad about my chart (unlike hers, which is a mess, so at least she felt she got something from it).

Of course, I'm a very suspicious person. Do I believe any of this malarky? I know people (actually my friend that convinced me to go) that have had things happen as predicted by some of these people....

So I'm taking it all with a grain of salt. Obviously the big changes are my move overseas. The man is obviously the Brit (I won't lie, I do love the asshole). But, as probably only one of my readers knows, the issues are possibly more complicated then this astrologer has any clue, and may not be forgiveable, or may not be something I want to be involved with.

So really...yeah....I shouldn't have done this, because I have a million questions in my mind, a million things have rushed back to my mind where I had gotten rid of them concerning the Brit. I don't want to love him. I don't want to marry him, I don't want to forgive him for what he's lied to me about.