Tuesday, August 26, 2008

stop my life I want to get off

Ever have the feeling like life is speeding, you're not getting what you want to accomplished, and there's no way to slow it down?

I remember clearly the day I told my ex husband I wanted us to split up. He had his back to me, sitting at the computer, his new girlfriend, and said "I'm not surprised, well, if that's what you want" while I sat and cried.

After I got over what I had done, I can remember thinking to myself "well I'm only 32, I don't want to waste my life doing nothing, living as an afterthought to an increasingly hostile man". I needed to change my career again, get a good job, I wanted to buy the house from him, and I figured that it shouldn't take too long to do it. I figured that I was young, I'd find someone else to share my life with down the line, seeing as I'm a pretty fabulous person.

Fast forward 7 years to now. I'll be 40 in 6 months. I had 7 different jobs in the past 7 years...bought the house from him 2 1/2 years ago, he moved out just over 2 years ago (after living separated in the same house for 5 years). I've formed a life for myself, and am still a pretty fabulous person, albeit still alone, not having formed any relationships with the opposite sex other than friendship and the occasional thing that went absolutely nowhere.

Man it moves fast.

Life just speeds by and you don't even notice it happening. I can recall the days when 40 was ancient, and now it's just a number I'm not really worried about. Where's it all gone?

I sort of have the feeling that now is the time that I sit back and enjoy and yet, there is so much I still want to do, so many other changes I need to be making, and I almost feel like there's no time. I'm also tired. Health issues (the injuries from the car accident from 16 years ago rearing it's ugly head as I try to get fit), and just generally wanting to take it easy, however I have a house in need of repairs, in need of purging (half my ex's stuff is still here and it's going whether he comes to get it or not), a lawn that was neglected for years even though my ex owned half (that was his job and he never did it, like, ever), and I have a million and one hobbies I want to work on.

And the days move by so quickly.

And then there's the issue of men. How I'd like one in my life at some point in time, but that just doesn't seem to be working for me. Well. I guess with prospects around, we'll see where that goes in the future.

Questions, always questions. I tend to be a bit too introspective generally, very in my head, to the point that I'll say something out loud that is a continuation of a conversation I'm having with myself, and expect everyone around me to understand (those that know me really well do, surprisingly).

Anyway. Can things slow down, just a bit please?

4 comments:

Elisabeth said...

I am glad I am not alone in wondering where the time is going!

Have the T-Shirt said...

It is so true that time just flies. Which should be a lesson to us all that we don't have endless amounts of it to be pissin' away.

Please tell me reading a good book isn't pissin' time away. :P

myself said...

Elisabeth, nope, you're not alone!

T-shirt...Nope reading a good book isn't pissin time away, it's one of the things I wish I had more time to do, rather than just before bed, inevitably I'm asleep before the first few sentences! That expands the mind....there's nothing wrong with a book (I should know I have a pile of about 150 in my "to do" pile!)

Dolce said...

I'm only 27 and I ask myself what happened to my youth. I think this time of year it hits me the hardest because I wish I was still heading off to college and tailgating for football games.