Tuesday, August 5, 2008
more of the same, Tuesday version
2 hours of interrupted sleep. You may congratulate me if I a) don't fall asleep face down on just about anything today and b) don't snap someone's head off for looking at me wrong.
This ridiculous machine, I suspect it's not working properly, I can't see my blood pressure readings. And let me tell you, I'm not putting it on again. You can't go anywhere, you can't do anything for 24 hours and mostly, you can't sleep. And when I don't sleep my blood pressure goes up.
I'm exhausted. And Little Miss Suzie Sunshine.
Yakked with 7 year younger dude last night, but he seems a bit messed up, and whatever. Told me that he's got an issue going on in his life that he can't handle a relationship and that he can't handle more than just fwb situation and "you're not that kind of girl".
No I'm not. Never am. No one ever sees me as that.
And that's why I haven't gotten any in a year and a half. Over that actually.
The photo is me. Testing the webcam from the new computer.
Innocent little 39 year old, I'dliketoriptheclothingoffaguy me.
I've come so damned far, and yet this is the one thing I can't conquer. Being alone.
Not that I totally mind it. I'm very mixed up on the subject. I have a girlfriend that states that I give off the air that I don't need anyone, well, that's mostly because I live alone and, well, I don't have anyone else to depend on, so I have to get things done myself. Towards the end of my marriage, I was the problem fixer, I dealt with the money (or lack thereof). I took all the debt on myself when we split up, paid it all off so that I knew it would be done.
Why is it a crime to be self sufficient?
I lack a vulnerability I guess. A girly thing that I'm severely missing. I keep being told that men like to be needed, and that I don't need them, so they stay away.
At least he told me what's going on. I have to respect that. But it does really make me wonder about myself sometimes.