bear with me

Seriously.

Ok. I know I told myself this was ridiculous, what was I doing, why am I doing this, how stupid am I??????

Believe me. The amount of self-flagellation. Let's not go there. I'm tired of beating myself up for thinking this could work out. I'm tired of listening to anyone that knows about this (cue my sister) telling me that my thinking of moving and thinking this would work with The Brit etc is insane.

Let's get one thing completely and utterly clear here. I saw the list of office openings back in April. I thought to myself "ohhhh I wonder if I can go to the UK?" back in April. While the whole situation with The Brit is highly convenient, it's not in my reasoning for this possible move. Ok, a teensy bit of it is. A bit of the "what if?". But always always keep in mind the following - I have always wanted to move to the UK.

Everyone, except my sister, but including both The Brit and my dad, see there is no reason why I don't do this. As long as my ducks are all in order.

Um. Yeah. Distance. I understand. There's the issue that we haven't seen each other in 15 years and may not still like each other. Neither of us thinks it to be possible, but it's there, and it might happen. Well, it's not like I'm going to live with the guy. Yes, might live in the same suburb because it seems to be the cheapest place to live, but I'm going there with the idea of renting a house on my own. I'm not moving in with someone that I might not potentially see until November (ok I don't think from conversations that is going to happen, neither of us is particularly happy about the recent events preventing us from seeing each other).

I won't go into details out of respect for The Brit, but we had a good chat today, nice chat, and got a few things straightened out. One of which , the feeling I had that there was a problem, which there is not, and the feeling that this was never going to happen. He assured me that it will eventually, he just needs to get things straightened out with the old job and the new job. Trip to Spain had been planned prior to being made knowledgeable about the layoff, so the timing was very bad in terms of getting himself organized.

And. I'm ok with that.

So in other news, I'm going to an agricultural expo with ladies from the SPCA this weekend at which there will be LINEDANCING classes! (for those not aware, I used to teach line dancing). One of the best Quebec linedance teachers and choreographers, I'm so excited to take a class from him.

You may laugh now.

Then Sunday is the Highland Games, and, well, nothing I like more than accents from over the pond and Men In Kilts, so yowza, let me loose, cuz I need me some caber toss action! Rowr!

I'll see if I can provide some photographic evidence of the cougars hitting on the Men In Kilts. (there's this movie from Canada called Men With Brooms, so we call it Men In Kilts...don't ask)



The Men In Brooms poster.....Paul Gross? HOT. Just sayin' and yes, guess what for those not in the know, Leslie Nielson is a Canadian. And if I did women, I'd lust after Molly Parker (she was in Swingtown which was on one of the big US networks). Check out Deadwood if you ever have the opportunity - it was on HBO and sadly was cancelled before they could end the series......she's in that....






Couple more so you can see the hotness that he is. One from Due South which was on CBS in the 90s for you americans, and just a nice recent one, age has done good things to that man....reer as TD would say.

Apparently I have a type! Dark haired men...with fab smiles...yep.

And that's enough discombobulated crap from me tonight.

I just don't know

I will NOT be having a visitor just yet.

Or maybe ever?

I have no idea.

Job starts in a week and a half, rightly so he doesn't want to travel and rush around, I get that. No problemo.

I just have a bad feeling at the back of my mind, which I can't put a finger on.

As much as it pains me to say, I think I'll be just leaving this one go.

Like I always do, concentrate on me and what I'm doing, and not worry about him or what he's doing, let him figure out why I have disappeared, and we'll just leave it like that.

No surprise on my part. I expected better, but am thinking I won't be getting it.

figures

Haven't spoken to the Brit for any length yet. Tells me tomorrow.

I dunno.

I would have rearranged my stuff to be able to have a convo with him.

Sigh.

More of the usual.

dumb

Delayed flight.

Quick email to say he'd speak to me tomorrow and that he missed me.

Duuh.

I have to stop expecting to be disappointed.

panic

Haven't heard a word.

And I really think that if it was important to him, I would have.

I have a horrible horrible feeling.

maybe crazy.....

So, I'm doing crap around the house. Trying to do some cooking, and trying to do the cleaning, and then I need to tackle the big stuff, room by room.

I'm cleaning-phobic.

I've sold a few things now, I've put my flute up for sale (this is a huge deal, I've avoided it for years, and it's worth alot being a professional instrument). I'm sorting and getting rid....I'm looking at everything as though I *am* moving, I want to simplify. I want to have less crap. I want nothing. It's amazing to me, looking at everything and coming to the realization how little of it really matters to me.

These things I have held onto for years and years and years.

Anyway. That's how my weekend is going.

Can't wait until Monday. The Brit is back and I'm hoping to hear from him. Well, I'm pretty certain I will unless something changed over the past few weeks away. I'm hoping that hasn't happened, and don't feel as though it has.....so fingers crossed!

And I hope to hear from the country manager next week, for the UK. Fingers crossed. Don't know if he already has someone over there in mind.

My stommach is in knots, and yet I'm excited about the prospect.

Back to it.

fear of cleaning

And the countdown begins.

Is it Monday yet? I’ve never looked forward to Monday before now.

Took some stuff to auction yesterday. Put a bunch of things up on Ebay. Lots on Craigslist etc. If nothing else, the prospect of leaving town is making me work towards my goal of less crap.

Who knew that’s all it took? The idea of moving to the UK….wow.

To give you some background, my ex husband moved out of the house 3 years ago after I kicked him out (after I bought him out). He left anything he didn’t want. Which was most of the house. He basically took what was in 1 room of a 7 room house. Left me with everything.

Well, being a single woman with a relatively busy job etc, I have gotten to some of it, but definitely nowhere near everything.

And as a result, I have so much stuff in my house you have no idea.

I have 2 rooms that are purely storage now. It’s ill. It gives me headaches to think about.

In fact, I hate cleaning so it’s daunting and frightening.

I’ve been talking about doing this for so long. Now that I’m thinking of moving elsewhere, the reality hits that I just own too much. I’m not talking furniture, I’m talking purely garbage.

So. You haven’t been hearing me talking about taking many photos because I haven’t. I’m picking my artists sparingly. I need as much $$ as possible for this move, my divorce, my ancestry visa….visits to the UK as needed etc, that I can’t be spending anything (or much). I need to take care of my debts here. Figure out how to rent my house out and who will take care of it for me. Which pets can come with me and which can’t (I pretty much know the small rodents can’t and neither can the turtles).

All of this in the possibility that my company hires me over in the UK. Irregardless of The Brit and whatever happens with him, I think I actually might want to do this.

Am I crazy?

if...

Everyone is asking me questions I don't want to answer, so I'm avoiding people, terrible I know, but this is my little life and I don't want to have to explain it to people. This possibility I have, possibility of love and life change, I don't want anyone harshing this high I'm feeling.

This isn't some guy I met on dating website that lives across the ocean, this is someone I have a past emotional attachment to, and vice versa and have actually spent time with. Damnit, I had to wake him up in the mornings, and due to being married, fight the urge to crawl into bed with him as I was commanded (kept telling me the only way he'd wake up was if I got in with him, the bugger....he has a sense of humor when he's had 3 hours sleep and been up all night drinking, got to give him that, no grumpies there!)

This isn't a stranger.

And I am being cautious. But also, in some ways, caution needs to go to the wind a bit. Am I going to pass up a chance to be happy, for a second time with the same person?

I think I would be ridiculous to dismiss this out of hand.

*I* know what has been said by the both of us, intentions should we get along of the both of us, and I'm not asking anyone for approval. I am 40 years old. I'm doing what I want to do in this situation, and I have never been more certain of what I will do if all goes well.

I am more than willing for him to come here, and conversely, I'll go there. And all the complications associated, we'll figure it out.

If it all goes well that is. If he gets here. I get there. If we are still compatible.

If if if.....

if.......

a new day

So. This will be my first weekend since the Troubled Friend conversation. Should be interesting. Meeting another drama-free friend for dinner, someone we know is playing, then maybe out to visit another friend, or maybe home.

Doing a photo shoot tomorrow for a co-worker who needs promo for his cd/gigs and cover art. Need to find some graffiti...or something like that.....

Oh the things that make life seem so fragile. Horrible accident last night in Montreal, a slab of concrete fell from a hotel and crashed through a glass ceilinged atrium, killing a woman dining with her husband. Life is way too short, and we just have to go for it, you don't have time to waste. Also heard that someone jumped off a hotel downtown this morning, I can't imagine committing suicide....particularly not in that manner, knowing you're about to hit the ground and knowing it's going to hurt like hell.....oh god no.

Dealing with cheap mothers whilst trying to sell my stuff online. I swear to you, one more dumb question.....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Oh my god. Don't offer me $100 for a $350 mower that was used once, cuz guess what? I'm not that desperate!

Trying to keep my mind off The Brit, which, considering I wake up thinking of him daily, is rather difficult.

I'm a sap.

Here's to Brits getting computer time in Spain!

day 3, almost 4

And will I make it to 14? Sigh. I am so not patient.

So I'm working on getting all the documents I need to prove my family 's ancestry in the UK. I figure, regardless of what might happen with The Brit and I, I'm going to do some preparation. I'll get my ancestry visa, so I can just go if I get a job. I'm cleaning and selling some stuff, at a minimum it's a good thing anyway, this place is a freaking disaster.

I've wanted to go twice in my life, maybe this is the time I just need to do it.

Called my elementary school friend (yes, we've kept in touch) who lives there now with her husband who is South African, although she hasn't lived in Canada for about 15 years, and has already lived in the UK once before, I thought it might be good to get an opinion from a foreigner based on the differences of living there as opposed to her. I got both her's and her hubby's and both of them said to me "go for it!" but to make sure I have a job first.

I'm neurotic about having work. Like I'm going elsewhere without one?

Natch of course my friend is very excited that she might actually know someone there, because she and hubby keep majorly to themselves for the most part for financial reasons (long story I won't go into).

I wish that a) the Brit would find a computer (which entails getting off the beach and staying sober for a bit - figured this week would be about sleeping, burning and drinking beer with his brother) 2) that 14 days would go by really quickly.

I want to talk to him!

In other news:

Lost it yesterday and emailed Troubled Friend and said "what the hell?". She called me and proceeded to lie thru her teeth. As long as she doesn't blacklist/badmouth me to people we know, it's all good, because I have backed off she has backed off. It's the horse circling bullshit that bothers me. And what I know she does to people she "de-friends". Nasty nasty.

That's about all I have to report at the moment. I'm off to sing tonight. Fingers crossed that my nemesis doesn't show. I don't need the issues. Not tonight.

And finally,

I'm not insecure about The Brit being elsewhere. I'm not insecure that he's going to meet someone he likes more than me, it hasn't happened in 15 years. I just miss talking to him. I'm such an idiot. Yep.

old children

So he's gone, off to Spain. Got a text this morning, assuming it'll be the last one until he gets back.

Is it possible to miss someone you never actually really see in person? I guess because I do miss him, miss seeing him....

Sigh.

Anyway, got ahold of the right person in terms of jobs in the UK with my company....I'm to contact him when I know what I'm doing, they'll know more what and who they are looking for.

This weekend was.....ridiculous?

My Troubled Friend, she's attempting to circle the wagons, trying to turn public opinion towards herself, and exclude me from everything that has to do with all our friends. I see it, and a few other people see it.

Problem with insecurities, especially in her case, they make you a narcissistic bitch. I said goodbye to everyone on Friday, including her, although not with much enthusiasm, and she apparently flew off the handle when I left, gesturing wildly towards me as I headed out the door.

I wasn't included in a BBQ dinner, everyone else I know was, and it's because of her. I have been assured by many that I have done nothing, that she is consistently deciding people don't have her back, and I happen to be the latest.

I don't play her game. I am not the type to be effusive, to over compliment, to make sure everyone is happy, to make sure everyone is included. I just am. Someone compared me to a fish, ironic considering I'm a pisces, because I'm always swimming to and fro.

It's not that I'm insensitive. It's not that I'm not a good friend. It's just that I'm not the type to go overboard. If people want to join in, well fine....it's ok......or I'll join other people.....but sometimes I don't decide what I'm going to do until the moment it's happening. That's just me.


She's a 43 year old child. So. Rising above, not going to cowtow to her bullshit like everyone else does, I've had enough. I ultimately don't care that I didn't get invited to the bbq, no biggie, what bothers me is how we are all supposed to make sure she knows about everything that's going on, but she purposely excludes me. Child.

Anyway. That's my story. It was a hideous weekend.

She's also trying to steal a guy from another friend of ours. Which is pretty shitty. She's about to lost that friend also.

CHildish bull. At least I've seen her for what she is....but it just makes me ill that it has to come to this. All because I've essentially backed off completely out of self-preservation.

Sigh.

Interpersonal relationships.

UK looks better and better. Because it's not HERE. And this crap isn't there.

Anyway, that was my weekend in a nutshell. Nice eh?

and so it goes

I'm sorta proud of the Brit.

He got his job. With a big US firm, he doesn't know what they do, but I do, they are a big deal, aerospace... (strange aside, their Canadian office is in the building next door to where I work).

Talked to him today, called while he was at the pub with people from old work, on his last day. Actually, I had called earlier and got told "um...I have to go, they're standing around my desk....." ROFL.....

Nineteen years with the same company, and he got the second job he interviewed for. Yeah. I'm super happy for him, he sounds relieved, a week ago he sounded stressed out. It's a big weight off his shoulders.

The visit is still pending, he doesn't know his start date, but they are aware he's away for 2 weeks and think he needs to give notice....and so notice apparently consists of coming to Canada for a bit :)

Hopefully he says. Hopefully I say.

My company is opening an office over in UK. I looked into finding out what jobs they'll be hiring for, hit a large roadblock, they won't spend money on getting permits for foreigners yadda yadda.

Except, they don't have to in my case. That shut them up, and now they're looking into it. Figure I may as well be proactive. You never do know.

I really am happy. I loved hearing him smile on the other end of the phone. I'm good for now.

and time goes on

Sigh.

I don't even know if August is happening. Sigh. Dammitall. CRAP!

He thinks he'll be offered a new job tomorrow, and will take it. DAMMITTTTTTALLLLLLLLL!

I know. It's selfish of me. I am well aware. No matter what he needs a job. But I wanted him to come visit meeee, because if I go over there, he'll be working during the day. I can at least take time off for his visit, so we can actually spend some time together.

Big assed sigh.

Sorry, I've waited 15 years for this. I want it to happen. Just to see. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?". I have already done alot of that in respect to the Brit in the past. Believe me when I tell you that during my marriage, this was a thought in my mind, what would have happened if I'd left my ex and moved to the UK to be with the Brit?

This has to happen. We have to get together.

Of course, all of the above intensity cannot come across in our communications, I'm sure it comes off as desperation.

He had given up. You guys are well aware I had given up. We'd be idiots to not try.

Then there's that logistical issue. I own a house, have a good job, and most importantly have 15 pets.

He will probably have a job, has a house, and is very close to his family.

If this works out, who makes a move?

I can live and work in the UK with a simple visa....(I don't need a work permit there), and he can't work here without a permit. And then there's the french issue.

My house is big enough for a family. His is big enough for one person. Two if you squeeze.

Cost of living is not too terrible here. It's insane over there.

Jobs aren't horrible here, they're tough to come by over there, even in my industry, especially at my salary range (I've checked already....oh shut up!)

Yep. We haven't even re-met yet and this crap is running through my brain keeping me up at night among other things that need to get straightened out (um, my divorce, taxes, and there's something else I can't remember). I can't sell this place and clear my debt unless I get things like the kitchen done. I have stuff to pay. Money to save.

I am so good at freaking myself out aren't I?

Well part of the clean up is going to occur this weekend, I'm doing a garage sale Saturday morning I've decided, get rid of some of the shit I've had around my house forever. Enough already.

I'm going for a nice long power walk/run.......I need to clear my head, and I think well when I'm walking......

tales of the long distance .....

yeah what do I call it exactly!!?!?!?!?! Relationship? Friendship? Ugh.

So, this week we're both busy. I'm busy, he's busy, working early, then working late at night, because of job interviews. I'm kinda hoping he doesn't get a job so he can come visit, he doesn't seem very pleased about what's on offer, however is thrilled he's getting interviews. He's hoping to come over here for at least a week....

Anyway. This week we're busy, and then he's gone to Spain for 2 weeks. So I mentioned that we won't speak except by email for almost 3 weeks and got told "god that's ages!" Yep. Ages. Sigh.

Worked at the SPCA yesterday, we seized animals.....90 rats, 3 rabbits....me soooooooooo tired,,,,,

Anyway, still finding this hard. The little insecurity bug keeps periodically biting me when I don't get answers as quickly as I'd like, which is freaking ridiculous, and generally stupid.

Add all this to work, where I'm considering pulling out someone else's hair because I don't have enough to lose, and there you have where I am this week!

panic

Ok I have to stop freaking myself out.

Everything is fine. I just need to deal with distance and time and I'm being a total dolt.

All it took was a simple text message:

"Miss you"

Let's have a collective "awwwwwwwwww" shall we?

Headaches abound, yeehaw, lucky me.....it's the weather, have a few photography things, but not all are panning out and that's just the way it is at the moment.

Festivals by the tonne.

And that's about all I have at the moment.

note to self

Don't dream.

It just never does come true.

hard

This is really very hard.

I'm here. The Brit is there.

And it'll be August before he makes it here.

Although technology is on our side, it's hard to coordinate without one or the other being inconvenienced.

He's ill at the moment, so going to bed early. Which means before I'm home from work. By the time I'm up in the morning, he's at work. Weekends, we're both respectively busy so we end up on the webcam late for him, talked til 5 am his time one night....poor thing is tired, but won't let me get up early to talk to him.

Bit of a gentleman.

It's barely July, which is a long month, and it'll be even longer waiting.

Man.

I need to learn patience. This has been years in the making.