There are 2 parts to my being.
First one being my desire for autonomy.
I can't stand the idea of someone clinging to me, not being able to make up my own mind, not taking anyone other than myself into consideration. I never did enjoy the obligation that goes along with being a couple. Having to attend family functions, visit with friends that, quite frankly, I didn't like. Having to endure things he enjoyed but I loathed, but god forbid I didn't go along.
Then there's that lonely beast inside me.
Lonely for male company. Someone else to enjoy life with. Someone to give a crap about me, and me them.
These two sides are always at war inside me. Always. I never want to give up my independence again, and I don't believe you have to when in a couple. But it's so easy to get caught up in it, not being able to make a move without the other person.
And I never ever want to allow myself to be in that position again.
What to do?
My list of "requirements", although very fair & very unsuperficial for the most part, tends to cause me huge issues. Most of which stems from my desire for childless men. That's a hard one at my age. Also my desire for non-clingy, non-controlling men. It never fails, anyone I meet that might be interested is one of those two or has kids. Or perhaps all 3.
Not that I meet that many that are interested.
All of this stems from a situation I'm in....well not in, because I refuse to be in it. Ever meet a man that just gave you pause? He's cute, he's a musician, has a job, a car a roof over his head, self-sufficient....but dammitall...clingy. And on top of it, there's something that just has kept me from even going there, making me run away actually.
Well...I found out what it was, what this intuition of mine keeps telling me, he had (or has) a drinking issue. We were at the same place Saturday, and a friend that knows him pretty well was telling me that he had a problem with drinking last year. Well. I think it's still there, cuz he drank beer Saturday.
Ding ding ding! No thanks. Been there done that with the crack head. Hell. My ex husband was addicted to pot, or rather, the feeling of relaxation it gave him.
But can you believe, even though he's got drinking issues, has a child with a bad relationship with the ex, AND on top of it, the static cling issue that turns me right off, I've had people telling me that maybe I should consider it.
And that gets my back up.
Am I really that bad, that horrible looking, that terrible a person that no one but this flawed (sorry, not dealing with your addiction issues is flawed) person could ever want me?
I tend to think not (the little devil on my shoulder sometimes tells me that IS the case).
Which is where we come to the dichotomy.
While I would love to be in a decent relationship....I would rather be alone then date this guy.
Bad attitude some say.
I say I know what I don't want. I can't say I know exactly what I want, because truly, I am not sure I do, but I do know what I don't want, and that's the greatest indicator right there.
These days, I'm up and I'm down. The whole JF thing really threw me for a loop, I really don't think I'm that little aware of things around me, and contend, that he is interested, but the Barbie doll is more in keeping visually with what he thinks he needs and wants, and well, so be it. He's a good guy, but I'm not sitting around hoping for that. No point. I've wasted alot of time in the past on that. But then again, what is life if we don't have hope?
Lines from a song I love:
"I've got a heart, that goes without saying
hearts are for hope and mine has been praying
that since I've come to you this sadness ain't staying
cause you might think I am good enough"
Thanks Rose Cousins :)
So I guess, that as hopeless as I tend to feel, somewhere inside me there must be a glimmer of hope that I don't spend the rest of my life alone, that someone out there might some day reflect the interest that I have in them back at me....but I suppose I'm just not counting on it.