Tuesday, April 28, 2009

contemplation

So.

Yeah. Thinking. I do way too much of this activity, between work and my personal life.

About work and the things going on here, how to get more business, how to maintain what we have, what's going on with the economy. My photography, how to get more gigs, more easily, who I should photograph. My relationship status (what relationship?) and the how's and whys of my singledom (although I'm a bit busy for consideration of that at this moment). Music, money, the house, my car (wahhhhh, my car company is being divested...boooo!), friends, who is and who isn't.

What's it all about? I have no idea, all I know is I better enjoy it while I have it. Something with a friend of mine has given me pause to sit and think about what I want in my life and who I want in my life. I don't have the energy to worry about someone else, who is an adult, and should be able to take care of herself mentally, and yet, she's my friend, is this not what we're supposed to do? I'm just tired of walking on eggshells with her, due to her insecurities and self-image issues. Worried when the mood is going to snap, leaving me completely secuire in the fact that I know why she's single (no man is going to deal with that moodiness - hell, I don't want to).

All of this just indicates to me my level of security in myself, which, I realize doesn't always come across here, being that this is what I term my "bitch blog". You guys get to hear when I'm feeling my worst.

But all in all, like I said to a friend in relation to this other friend, I'm pretty ok with myself. Friend with problems....she's gained weight, is having self-image issues, and down at the bottom of it, she gets her validation from men being interested in her, and she's not getting that, it's totally coming across in her mood.

Well, when it comes to the weight, you sort of have 2 choices. Live with it the way it is and shut the f*ck up about it, or do something. I chose to do something, I was a size 22, I now wear size 14 pants (barely, but man oh man I get in them). For me, it's almost 20 lbs a size, so that's almost 100 lbs...it's taken a good length of time, and alot of adjustment and hard work. I don't eat the way I used to, what with blood-pressure & food intolerance issues. But she's got a choice, and needs to quit looking for validation in the interest of men.

Talks a good game does that girl, but when she doesn't get the male interest she's craving, she becomes crazy.

And I can't take it much longer and am running out of patience.

Am I a bad friend?

Anyway. This post is going nowhere quickly....I'm not sure what in hell I'm talking about anymore.

I'm already living in airconditioning, I have a huge migraine due to humidity, it feels like July in Montreal, I'd like my spring please. I can't handle the summer, and I already feel like there's a huge weight on my chest (I have asthma, and smog/humidity/blooming plants etc do NOT help it)....red itchy lumps on my arms from the drive into work.

Sigh. Thank you to all that messed up this world before me and it's resulted in July in April. We're not all lizards, due to my family background etc, I was made for milder climates, rainy, cool, not this ridiculous heat & humidity.

When I wish for winter, it must not be pretty.

And that's the end of my ramble.

More later maybe.

3 comments:

Technodoll said...

Do you and I have the SAME friend?? Good god, woman, you just described my dilemma... same shit, different girl, and even if she's my friend there is nothing I can do until she decides to help herself first.

I've been sympathetic for years but now that I've lifted myself from the slump that was my life, she cannot be happy for me and, quite the opposite, is trying to guilt me into apologizing for reaching out for my dream.

WTF? friendship goes both ways, you know? Give and you shall receive kinda thing...

OK I'm rambling, all this to say hold your guns, don't let anyone bring you down cuz that's not love, baby.

Nobody loves a selfish angry person who does nothing to seek help or even want it.

*steps off soapbox*

PS: congratulations on the weight loss! wooo! vegas also lost about 120 lbs from when he was big and depressive... took many years of hard work but voilĂ : it can be done!

Rebecca said...

It sounds like you a secure and happy with yourself person, and that is awesome! Your friend should learn a lot from you. It's too bad she doesn't see how great she could be if she believed in herself. I wonder if there's anything we can do, or if people just have to wake up and want it for themselves? I lean toward the latter. And it is NOT selfish to want her to buck and be responsible for her own moods and happiness. Sounds like you've been a great friend to her.

myself said...

TD - you've mentioned that before, that you have the same issues with a friend. It's exhausting, and I find myself avoiding her....and that's so not good. This weekend is her birthday, and there's a few celebrations, and, in all truthfulness, I don't want to go to any of them, and am hoping that a photography gig will give me one excuse, then I can attend the Sunday night thing.

Merci about the weight. I still have far to go. My original goal was a size 12, but now that I'm there, I'm revising it to size 10, and then I'll decide if I can do more at that point.

Rebecca - I am for the most part secure...I have my moments, most of which relate to being single going on 4 years. And not really understanding why, however a male friend of mine said that perhaps it's because I don't really want it that much, so I find excuses to avoid it....guess I should look into that.

Yeah. She needs to buck up. When people that don't know her as well as her friends do notice that she is horribly moody, it ain't pretty.