Friday, March 27, 2009

it's just business

Yep so that's it. Just business. JF's a musician, I'm a music photographer (I guess you can call me that?) and that is where the twain shall meet.

Photographed a lovely singer from Toronto last night....jazzy, beautiful, haunting, lilting voice. Jam night was afterwards, my friend P (I know many P's...I know, confusing) convinced me I should come out after shooting the concert, I got a pick-up put in my 6 string guitar, and I've wanted to try it out (seeing as I have no amplifier at home or anything, really, don't need it!).

Only thing is, I really have had no desire to run into JF. I have this uncanny ability to feel nothing. After yesterday's revelations, I have turned off the emotions pretty much in that regard....but still didn't want to feel weird.

So. I ignored him.

Yep. Except for professional courtesy, during which he set me up on stage and I sang, I pretty much ignored him. P watching me with the look on his face that said he knew damned well what I was doing. Too bad. Self-preservation baby.

What I'm about is not getting hurt. I don't like it. I'm always hurt. I am not looking for anything. Seriously, I'm not, I just can't be bothered. But on occasion, someone will pique my interest. JF piqued my interest (a frigging year ago almost).

But I'm back to lack of pique. And I'm all about protecting that thing that beats inside my chest, figure next time there's that little inkling about someone, I'm going to ignore it completely, avoid all this bullshit.

Says she that smiled at a guy in the restaurant in my office building.

Smiling, and doing something about are 2 different things. And, I'm not going to do anything about it.

P says I have "bad getting laid attitude" and he's right, that's true, but, I'm tired of wasting my time. It's all a big freaking cosmic joke or something.

I can stand on my own two feet. I've been doing it all my life, pretty much the only person that hasn't disappointed me is myself, so, I'll just look at it from that perspective. I don't need someone else in my life, but I'd like it, I've been single going on 3 1/2 years now, and am tired of seeing everyone else's lives move forward in that respect and mine remain stagnant, however, I'm not entirely willing to give a whole hell up to get it, nor am I going to run around chasing it.

These ridiculous, messed up men, seem to be the only thing on offer out there, I am one of a growing number of above 35 year old women that are single without tangible prospects. People keep saying "don't worry, there's someone out there for you" and I truthfully, am beginning to think that might not be the case. Seriously. There are few men I can stand. Let alone want to spend the rest of my life with.

I had to laugh, watching the guys I was with last night, including JF, tripping over the cute, maybe if they're lucky 20-something waitress, who, remembering back to that age, is probably thinking in her mind "leave me alone old guys I have to be nice to because I work here - yuck!!!!"

Uncle. Just. Uncle. I give. Screw you universe.

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