Wednesday, February 6, 2008

More sap

My soundtrack has recently run to the sappy. I'm not entirely certain why this is. I am single currently, although happily, but I am feeling a bit of an emptiness that generally isn't something I experience.

There's a someone I met. And liked immediately. I'm fairly certain that the feeling was mutual, asking for my phone number and email, making some plans. Got together a few times, kept in contact, me on a business trip for a week, him starting a new business out of town. But recently, all of a sudden, I haven't heard from him. I'm a combination of worried for me and worried for him. I'm not going to go into specifics but there are indicators that he does intend to see me again, and that there is a lot going on right now, new business proposition and all. But I really don't want to spend too much time with that old friend of mine...hope.

I think that possibly, with a few things I've come to realize, that there may be more going on then I thought, as in an ex being much more recent then originally let on.

It's always this way for me. Right guy, wrong time. Which I guess means he's the wrong guy? I've made the mistake in the past of waiting around for others. They weren't the same as this one mind you, as far as I'm concerned he's a good guy, with a good heart, good values, financially secure and savvy, and the fact that he's as handsome as hell doesn't hurt. Most of all, the moment we met, we talked. Talked all night as a matter of fact, two strangers with alot in common. Similar and yet so different.

That's the most important thing to me. Looks are all well and good, a bonus in my opinion, but definitely aren't something I hold in great regard if I can't carry on a conversation with the man. He's smart, he's funny, and most of all, he's a big goofball although he does everything he can to hide it. Sure of himself, yet not at all arrogant.

I have a calm where he is concerned. I don't have any funny feelings about him (and I get those, and am usually right). No red flags. My biggest problem is myself, I often wonder if I push men away. My girlfriend says that I am fiercely independent, which is very true, and that it would take a particularly strong, special man to be able to deal with it. That I give off the attitude that I don't need anyone.

Point is, after my marriage fell apart, I needed to be independent, I needed to take care of myself. Don't kid yourself, I would absolutely love to have someone to depend on, but I had to learn to take care of myself and so now I am self sufficient. I am not going to give up my life for someone that isn't worth my while. I am not desperate to be in a relationship like alot of people I know. If it happens, it happens, it doesn't, it doesn't.

So what do I do? Sit around and just wait for something to happen I guess? I figure he'll resurface when things aren't quite so busy, and I'm a forgiving sort. But what is forgiving and what is being walked all over?


So I continue to be melancholy and listen to my sappy country music. Love it.

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