Thursday, February 14, 2008

Just when I thought it was bad...

Things got worse yesterday.

I have 4 little dogs. Had. I got home from work last night, and my 3 male dogs (they're all the same breed, all 4 of them) had attacked my 16 year old dog. Badly. I think she waited for me in the pool of blood on the dining room floor to come and rescue her. I have no idea how she got there, she resided on the sofa always, and wasn't able to move much anymore, being a Dachshund, her back was terrible, I carried her everywhere. And I don't know why they did it, although I suspect she was sick and they knew it (probably cancer, it's always cancer).

I rushed her to the hospital when I realized how bad the bites were and put her to sleep in my arms. Poor thing, my girlfriend rode in the passenger seat holding her, and she had to be able to see me the whole way. And when the vet catheterized her and they brought her back so she could go in my arms, she looked at me lovingly the whole time.

Boy do I feel guilty. And horrible. And very very very alone.

The remaining 3 are confused. Although I now call them the Killers...they are just dogs. I forget they are, and it was probably an instinct, it's not their fault. They either alternate from crying for her to looking everywhere for her.

I keep pulling out 4 cookies after the walk. I keep putting 4 bowls out for food.

Some days, I feel so alone, I feel like I wish the world would swallow me whole.

To top it all off, I was out tonight, local karaoke. And the couples came out in force. I had to leave. I really really didn't think I would be alone again this year. I was certain something would happen between last fall and now. And it didn't. I met someone I thought was fabulous. And it didn't go anywhere, in fact, I got blown off. Again. Have a plethora of men I don't want breathing down my neck, just can't have the ones I do consider to be good bets, decent men.

There's a lot of losers out there. I've done my time. Never again.

So. Crying again. I can't seem to stop. If it hadn't been for my puppster, I don't think my emotions would be quite so raw.

I miss her.

Enjoy doggie heaven Belly. I love you. I miss you. And I'm sorry.