Monday, September 27, 2010

there's nothing I love more....

than being kicked when I'm down.

Thanks to all in my life that have recently done that.

If any of you read this (seeing as I keep it secret, that's doubtful), you'll know who you are. Otherwise, it's out there in the universe, and although I can't take back past support of you, it won't be forthcoming in the future.

Sorry I'm having hard time and it doesn't fit into what you all seem to think my life should be or my attitude should be.

There are things you all don't know. Scary things. Things that make you homeless - and destitute. Stressors in my work I can't write about, which are the reasons I'm on anti-anxiety meds.

I'm past cheering up now. Way past it.

If I was the type to jump off a bridge, I'd have done it by now, I'm sure things will swing upwards.

Of course I've said that for the past year and it hasn't happened, but can always have a tinge of hope.

I'm tired of being judged for what I feel. What I feel is MINE. And I refuse to pretend because it might offend people.

The end.


Technodoll said...

Everything's been said, M.E., from your friends who care and are here for you if you need them.

You're right, nobody can feel what you feel or understand things the way you do.

However, from an outsider's point of view, I think it's time you got professional help -and not just meds- to deal with your stress, anxiety and general difficulty with life.

To me you have a LOT going for you but if you don't feel it, then it's not worth fighting for.

I hope you find your light my friend.


prin said...

Perception is reality. *shrugs*

And when I was a disastrous mess with nothing to live for, I decided to stop hoping it'd get better and start trying to be happy in the shit. I figured if I could do that, I would be the most awesome survivor ever, you know? Stuff still blew ass, but when tiny things would change, they really did affect me more than they would have before I started to try to change my perspective of the entire situation. It's kind of like if you're wading through hip-deep shit and you focus on the shit the whole time, versus looking up at the stars for a tiny break. You know?

Then again, it's 5AM. So.. um.. I probably don't make sense. :D

myself said...

TD - I've done the therapy thing before, and this is actually better than I was before, I'm just not a happy happy person, and I believe that people that are happy happy are just too dumb to realize how shit their lives are, or are doing the "fake it to make it" thing that I consider bullshit. You know how people say if you think happy then you will be? Nawwwwwwwwwwwwww, sorry never worked for me (I think because I unfortunately have something in common with Prin and expect anything happy to come to an end pretty much).

And I currently have a lot less going for me then you think, but that's some of the nasty things I'm keeping to myself these days.

It's ok Prin, I make no sense either. So that means I get what you're trying to say to me! :D