Monday, September 27, 2010

a smaller head

So. Went to the head shrinker this evening.

Situational depression, totally normal under the circumstances or so she says, this year and all it's brought with it.

She finds it interesting that in circumstances where I'm beholden to someone else, as in, I've made a commitment, so photography, work, friends, I can get myself motivated to get up off the sofa. But circumstances where the motivation needs to be gotten to do something for myself (like cook, do my laundry, clean the house, pay my bills, take care of life in general), I'm unable.

The being able to do it for others is learned from past therapy. Anti-depressants are a problem for me, I can't take them because they do other things to me that aren't good, so I had to learn. And I learned it well. And I'm capable.

As long as it's for someone else and not for myself.

She said it sounds to her, like I'm almost not trying to get myself overseas. But we figured that one out. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the big change. I want to do it, but I'm terrified.

I now feel like I'm all alone in the world because the one person that stood by me, had my back, was there whenever I needed her is gone. My friends can only do so much, mostly because I'll only let them in so far. Grannie was there from the beginning of my life, knew what I went thru as a child, knew why I was the way I was, knew how to get around it. She knew what made me tick. And now I don't have anyone that understands me and my complex personality at all.

And I feel alone.

Which she says is understandable.

She thinks that the stressor of the house being gone and off my back will open up my mind and relieve the huge burden that I've been carrying on my back since about a year ago. It needs to be done in the next 2 months, I've given myself that deadline, November 1st it will be signed over to someone else and who knows where the hell I'll live at that point, but hopefully I can get the England thing to align itself.

We can always hope.

I cried from the moment I walked in there to the moment I left. Still haven't entirely stopped. I don't like crying in public, I don't like people acknowledging me being upset, particularly in person. I've held alot of this in for about a year. Except when I'm alone.

Or venting on this blog. Which seems to be an issue for some people.

We didn't get into how I'm supposed to deal with this feeling of being alone now. I'm hoping she can give me some sort of insight.

I felt a bit clearer about things. Clear as mud. I suppose it'll get better as it goes on.

One of the last things she asked me was if I'm happy with my life. I can honestly say no.


Technodoll said...


This is very, very good.


(( mega hugs )) and I'm proud of you, girl.

One session at a time.

prin said...

I think the beginning of handling the alone thing is deciding that it's ok to feel alone. It's ok because you have to start there to realize that you can't rely on people to make you feel not alone. People just have to be a bonus. Everybody fails at being a friend at one point or another, and to put so much pressure on them to help you feel whole is just lining everybody up to mess up.

I do think you're too hard on yourself. You isolate yourself by putting yourself down and making yourself believe the worst about yourself, when the majority of those around you don't see you even remotely close to that image of yourself you see.

And therapy is hard but awesome. I'm glad your therapist seems to click with you already. :) Have fun with it too.


myself said...

You know how you KNOW intellectually that you aren't alone? Or, that yes, ultimately, we ARE all alone?

But the one person I could lean on, depend on, who loved me no matter what without conditions, who essentially was my mother, is gone, and i didn't realize the impact, unknown impact, that it had on me.

And then the subsequent year's losses.

I am very hard on myself because I am hard. That probably doesn't make sense because I feel I know you guys (you & Techno) a bit more than others because when I met you in person I'd read you, so I was pretty comfy with you both (regardless of it being strange to meet people from the online world). So I probably wasn't the hard person that I seem to others.

Make sense? No prob not. I'm having a rough time explaining things these days, I'm attributing it to lack of sunlight or something (huh?). Or lack of alcohol in my bloodstream. Or food. Or sleep? I dunno.

I'm looking forward to going back to the head shrinker on Monday, not looking forward to the ensuing puffy eyeballs, but if she can help me think a little clearer all the better. Because it's all a mess in this noggin of mine.

I actually like being alone. This alone of which I speak is a different alone. You know how your parents are there behind you (usually, maybe in normal families?), that's what she was to me. I don't feel that from anywhere else, so now it really is just me. And it's knocked me for sixes for whatever reason.

None of this makes sense. Yikes!


Technodoll said...

It does make sense, M.E.... very much so.

You're still grieving, or maybe you hadn't really started yet.

A problem is easier to deal with once it's been identified - so proud of you that you took that first step, and then another.