Thursday, September 23, 2010

and so....

it continues.

A nice email at 1:30 am - some well meaning convo via FB up to that point.

Nothing helps much at the moment.

If it's not work, it's my personal finances, personal life. If it's not that, it's the abject loneliness I feel, and that I'm completely and utterly alone in this world and everything I do. And will I ever fulfill my wishes, and if I do that, will I ever be happy with my life? Will I ever meet somoene to treat me decently? You'd think that was a simple request in life, but apparently I have a sign on my forehead that reads "even though I will fight you every step of the way, please treat me like shit".

This had better just be a moon thing. Otherwise I may fall over the edge of this flat earth.

Then there's work bullshit. I've had just about enough of the stupid situation that's happening around here, an exec fucking another employee. He's found out it was me that complained about his lack of attention to the work situation & the flaunting of that relationship, and now I'm being mentally abused, excluded from things that affect me directly in my work.

It's no wonder this world is brought to me by Ativan. And that I had stroke-level blood pressure and was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago.

I want that huge change, and I need to make it happen, and my desire to not get off the sofa or out of bed isn't making it any easier to do all of this.

I do everything I can but some days....I just can't do anymore.

I've arrived at that day once again.


Anonymous said...

you sound dangerously depressed and pretty much have since I've known you. I run out of words that might comfort you because I think it's beyond me. I personally have a hard time understanding that level of depression because I've never experienced it myself. Only brief days here and there because I know it's only brief. So I feel bad that I can't help you. It's very hard to read your posts because if you could see if from the outside looking in, you would know that NONE of what your saying is ACTUALLY true, meaning you saying you are completely alone in the world. Obviously, you are not. Hell you even have people you have never met who are concerned about your well being. But I honestly believe you might be incapable at this point to help yourself or just snap out of a funk. I don't know what the answer actually is (counseling, anti-depressents???) but I hope you find it in your lifetime. Life is too short and beautiful to be this miserable day in and day out. Good luck my friend!

myself said...

Well, it's related for the most part to my grandmother's death at the moment so I'm going to see about that on Monday, we'll see what happens, I can't take antidepressants been down that route before.

I'm generally not the world's most positive person, I won't ever be, I know what I'm supposed to think, how I'm supposed to behave and I can't or I don't.

I'll see what Monday & subsequent visits bring...can't be bad right?