Sunday, March 2, 2008

thank god it's over

So. Birthday done for the year. Thankfully. I hate having the attention on me.

I think I am the most upset/depressed I have ever been for my birthday ever. I went between crying to...yeah let's be honest, I haven't been truly happy in weeks. Seriously.

I feel horribly old and unwanted. Neither of which is true, but I can't shake the feeling if I tried. My friends have been wonderful as they usually are, but I just have such a hard time feeling anything other than tearful or essentially unhappy right now.

Been depressed to the point of requiring meds in the past, so I know what that feels like, this isn't the same. This is as though I haven't allowed myself to feel anything in the past year, year and a half, and that everything that has happened, everything that has gone on is hitting me all at once. Including this last bit with the guy. So I feel ugly, unloved and unwanted, none of which is realistic, I guess I just don't have the thing I really would like.

We had a discussion about successful women tonight at dinner, and how we are not unusual in this day and age, and how one would expect a man would be more than happy to have a self-sufficient significant other, when in fact, it seems quite the opposite. They give lipservice to an independent woman, but in fact, I wonder if in fact they don't want someone that will make sure that the man is needed.

See, I don't need a man in my life. But after the length of time I've gone alone, I've decided that I want one. And that seems to be an impossible quest, one at which, although I truthfully don't look much, well I fail.

Actually, I don't look at all. I find the whole online dating issue to be a losing one, I don't know why I have bothered in the past. I know certain sites work nicely in other Canadian cities, but mine, the online sites are rife with the same old losers, half of which are already attached, so I am not entirely bothered with that any longer. I am out there. That I don't fear, I go see bands play, I'm out curling, I belong to a few Meetup groups, I'm out with friends, I'm almost never home (although that's changed a bit recently). I meet all sorts of people. I guess I'm what others call picky, which I'm not about to apologize for, and I'm just certain of what I don't want in a man (my "don't want" list is longer than my "want" list, I know from experience what is a deal breaker for me and what isn't).

Not certain how being horribly lonely but never alone works. Because that is essentially me. Makes no sense, and yet makes a hell of a lot if you know me at all.

I really don't think I'm that difficult. In fact, I've had that confirmed to me time and time again, and yet, here I am, watching all my friends pair up, meeting a perfectly good man, and then ending up time and time again alone.

If it wasn't for my dogs, I really don't know what I'd do. If no one else does, at least they love me unconditionally.

Taking out my contacts. Crying is difficult with them in. And then I resume my bawling.

For what I have no idea.

1 comment:

Two Date Diva said...

Happy belated B-Day!