Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
annnnddd
To add to the below...nothing brings me down more than feeling more positive and having someone remind me of my faults in a relationship. Someone that means well, and wants to point things out but it makes me feel absolutely horrible and ruins all the positive thoughts that actually were going through my mind.
Doesn't sound like a big deal, but it really is...takes a lot to get me feeling positive about my life, about myself, a lot of work, and something so little from someone I consider to be a friend and generally respect the opinions of, is hurtful. And damaging.
Because, no one is perfect. I know what my faults are, I can see what the faults of others are. I have made a large effort to change my issues, but most of them manifest in relationships and dating, both of which I don't have much to do with. So it's going to be trial and error. I have no options in that.
Doesn't sound like a big deal, but it really is...takes a lot to get me feeling positive about my life, about myself, a lot of work, and something so little from someone I consider to be a friend and generally respect the opinions of, is hurtful. And damaging.
Because, no one is perfect. I know what my faults are, I can see what the faults of others are. I have made a large effort to change my issues, but most of them manifest in relationships and dating, both of which I don't have much to do with. So it's going to be trial and error. I have no options in that.
rambling post of annoyance
No people. You don't know what goes on in my head.
The 2 sides of me. One wants a man in her life, a companion of the opposite sex. The other thinks that I forget what it was like and it'll be too much of a pain in the ass as it's been in the past.
I don't like dating. So truthfully, recently I haven't bothered. A friend was all gung ho about fixing me up with someone she knows, but that seems to have fallen through for whatever reason....and truthfully, that's about as much dating related stuff as I can manage, or really want right now. Although there is some brief communication between he and I, it's not something I can do on my own, and frankly, I won't. No more running after men who are disinterested or unavailable. And that I've never even met, I mean, that's supposed to be the whole purpose of fixing people up, isn't it?
I have no interest in the dating sites, I have no interest in dating services/speed dating I just figure that the more I chase after something the further away it will get.
A friend says that I am wishing something never happens with a man with my attitude and that I just don't realize it. Except, I think that she and I have a different idea of what what we want in a man. What she has for the most part I would find smothering. That doesn't mean that I want nothing. It doesn't mean I don't want someone to love and love me, it just means my criteria are different from hers. And that I really really really don't need someone in my life.
Because believe me, if I needed someone, they would be here. They would be completely and utterly wrong for me, and I'd probably be miserable, but I wouldn't be alone.
I'm not prepared to give in to that trade off.
So. I've been single for 7 years. And sometimes don't feel that will ever change, but am truthfully, really much more thankful for my life the way it is alone then miserable with the wrong guy.
When I watch my attached friends, I know that's it's not all perfection and there is so much that can be messed up. Even in the seemingly good relationships there is dysfunction. Do those people see it? Some do, some don't....I prefer being self aware enough to know that just plain being in a relationship is not enough to counteract possibly being miserable.
I'm trying to live now. And not look to the future. I have the past down pat. It's the past. Period. Gone, over with, no use crying over spilled milk and ruining my current life. No, I'm not always the happiest I could be. But I also no longer feel unhappy, and that's a huge improvement over, say, last year at this time.
I'm good with that.
The 2 sides of me. One wants a man in her life, a companion of the opposite sex. The other thinks that I forget what it was like and it'll be too much of a pain in the ass as it's been in the past.
I don't like dating. So truthfully, recently I haven't bothered. A friend was all gung ho about fixing me up with someone she knows, but that seems to have fallen through for whatever reason....and truthfully, that's about as much dating related stuff as I can manage, or really want right now. Although there is some brief communication between he and I, it's not something I can do on my own, and frankly, I won't. No more running after men who are disinterested or unavailable. And that I've never even met, I mean, that's supposed to be the whole purpose of fixing people up, isn't it?
I have no interest in the dating sites, I have no interest in dating services/speed dating I just figure that the more I chase after something the further away it will get.
A friend says that I am wishing something never happens with a man with my attitude and that I just don't realize it. Except, I think that she and I have a different idea of what what we want in a man. What she has for the most part I would find smothering. That doesn't mean that I want nothing. It doesn't mean I don't want someone to love and love me, it just means my criteria are different from hers. And that I really really really don't need someone in my life.
Because believe me, if I needed someone, they would be here. They would be completely and utterly wrong for me, and I'd probably be miserable, but I wouldn't be alone.
I'm not prepared to give in to that trade off.
So. I've been single for 7 years. And sometimes don't feel that will ever change, but am truthfully, really much more thankful for my life the way it is alone then miserable with the wrong guy.
When I watch my attached friends, I know that's it's not all perfection and there is so much that can be messed up. Even in the seemingly good relationships there is dysfunction. Do those people see it? Some do, some don't....I prefer being self aware enough to know that just plain being in a relationship is not enough to counteract possibly being miserable.
I'm trying to live now. And not look to the future. I have the past down pat. It's the past. Period. Gone, over with, no use crying over spilled milk and ruining my current life. No, I'm not always the happiest I could be. But I also no longer feel unhappy, and that's a huge improvement over, say, last year at this time.
I'm good with that.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
are we done yet?
Goddamned Christmas is gone, #10 or 11 alone, I can't recall. Misery, I had to stay away from Facebook for a few days, I was ranty, everyone was gloatingly happy and shiny.
Now the next hurdle, New Year. No matter how I try, make plans, go through with the plans, I end up crying at the end of the night while I watch the couples around me. And crabby. And nasty.
I'm tired. I don't want to make any efforts for other people. I just want to hide away in my little hole, but yet I force myself. Which is, frankly, hell. But I force myself.
Now the next hurdle, New Year. No matter how I try, make plans, go through with the plans, I end up crying at the end of the night while I watch the couples around me. And crabby. And nasty.
I'm tired. I don't want to make any efforts for other people. I just want to hide away in my little hole, but yet I force myself. Which is, frankly, hell. But I force myself.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Ever have one of those regretful days?
When you regret every word that comes out of your mouth, flying from your fingers, every decision made, every choice?
I'm having a day like that.
I can't even list out what I regret today. Number one currently though is not doing what I wanted to and moving. I should have left town. Now it's a double regret. 20 years ago I didn't and then a year ago I didn't. Both had their own situations. I had my reasons for both. But I'm still here and I still don't want to be, but at this point, I'm too damned tired and too damned old to make that move. I don't have it in me. So, I'll just be regretful.
I regret getting married. I regret the guy after my marriage. I pretty much regret any man post marriage, period. With exception of probably one, who was a nothing more than sex man, but for whatever reason I don't understand sought me out to keep in touch with me a year or so after I disappeared from his life (my life was mixed up and pretty much shit at the time, I so did him a favor). It will never be anything, but I don't regret him, nor was he a bad experience to me at all. And he's a nice enough dude, with exception of reminding me of the good things about my ex husband, which is semi-creepy and ok at the same time. Again, nothing there.
I just feel lost. Again. I can't keep hold of anything in my life. My house is a mess, my job is chaos, I have no desire to see most of my friends because they're driving me insane, I can't stand anything right now.
Am I depressed? No. I think I see yet another year coming to a close, end result the same, nothing changes, superficially it does, but deep down, I'm in the same rut I was last year at this time, just considerably more unencumbered (last year was hell). Each year should get better, I make the effort for it to get better, but it doesn't, the shit just continues. My bad luck, karma, whatever it may be. I have no clue anymore.
I know nothing anymore. No pill will cure this, no person will help it, it's up to me, and I just no longer have the energy to bother.
When you regret every word that comes out of your mouth, flying from your fingers, every decision made, every choice?
I'm having a day like that.
I can't even list out what I regret today. Number one currently though is not doing what I wanted to and moving. I should have left town. Now it's a double regret. 20 years ago I didn't and then a year ago I didn't. Both had their own situations. I had my reasons for both. But I'm still here and I still don't want to be, but at this point, I'm too damned tired and too damned old to make that move. I don't have it in me. So, I'll just be regretful.
I regret getting married. I regret the guy after my marriage. I pretty much regret any man post marriage, period. With exception of probably one, who was a nothing more than sex man, but for whatever reason I don't understand sought me out to keep in touch with me a year or so after I disappeared from his life (my life was mixed up and pretty much shit at the time, I so did him a favor). It will never be anything, but I don't regret him, nor was he a bad experience to me at all. And he's a nice enough dude, with exception of reminding me of the good things about my ex husband, which is semi-creepy and ok at the same time. Again, nothing there.
I just feel lost. Again. I can't keep hold of anything in my life. My house is a mess, my job is chaos, I have no desire to see most of my friends because they're driving me insane, I can't stand anything right now.
Am I depressed? No. I think I see yet another year coming to a close, end result the same, nothing changes, superficially it does, but deep down, I'm in the same rut I was last year at this time, just considerably more unencumbered (last year was hell). Each year should get better, I make the effort for it to get better, but it doesn't, the shit just continues. My bad luck, karma, whatever it may be. I have no clue anymore.
I know nothing anymore. No pill will cure this, no person will help it, it's up to me, and I just no longer have the energy to bother.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
people
I don't understand why people float in and out of our lives. Are they there to teach us some sort of a lesson?
I have so many examples that would take way too long to explain. When it comes to men, a friend has a theory that I'm the backburner girl, that's why they return. No man that I actually like is focused on me, more so on themselves. In some cases I can see that possibly, but in others no.
There are people I feel have left me with no lessons whatsoever. Friends that are no longer friends, men that are no longer prospects (well really none of them can be called prospects...they either like me to the point i really want nothing to do with them or I have interest and theirs in me is incredibly minimal, never any common ground there).
What's their purpose? I fail to see it. That I pick the wrong people as boyfriend prospects and friends? Well...enough already. Universe, how about proving to me that people aren't crazy or just plain horrible??? How would that be for a change? Because honestly, all that's proven to me day after day in my dating life is that either I'm not worthy or they're not worthy. In terms of friendships, I'm sent people who are broken that I don't want to help fix...and so I shoo them away.
The point? I have no idea.
I sometimes wonder if my last day on earth will be filled with the following. Why?
I understand none of it.
I have so many examples that would take way too long to explain. When it comes to men, a friend has a theory that I'm the backburner girl, that's why they return. No man that I actually like is focused on me, more so on themselves. In some cases I can see that possibly, but in others no.
There are people I feel have left me with no lessons whatsoever. Friends that are no longer friends, men that are no longer prospects (well really none of them can be called prospects...they either like me to the point i really want nothing to do with them or I have interest and theirs in me is incredibly minimal, never any common ground there).
What's their purpose? I fail to see it. That I pick the wrong people as boyfriend prospects and friends? Well...enough already. Universe, how about proving to me that people aren't crazy or just plain horrible??? How would that be for a change? Because honestly, all that's proven to me day after day in my dating life is that either I'm not worthy or they're not worthy. In terms of friendships, I'm sent people who are broken that I don't want to help fix...and so I shoo them away.
The point? I have no idea.
I sometimes wonder if my last day on earth will be filled with the following. Why?
I understand none of it.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
what to do
I don't see the point to this blog anymore. I no longer come on here and write anything and if I do it's only to vent and whine.
And recently anyway, I'm so disjointed nothing will make an ounce of sense anyway.
Why bother?
And recently anyway, I'm so disjointed nothing will make an ounce of sense anyway.
Why bother?
Sunday, November 6, 2011
long overdue ramblings
Well hello world. I've neglected this poor blog, and probably, truthfully, I shouldn't.
Instead of blogging, I've been overburdening an internety/bloggy/facebooky friend, who really, has more than enough of her own issues to deal with. Thing is, I think perhaps because we are equally overthinkey...she manages to make sense to me. Unusual. And she's really good on analyzing the men. Excellent. For which I thank her profusely. Because I am SO not!
It's a busy world out there. I'm working a lot. I'm internet meeting men, but that's not going so fantastically, I don't think. I don't know. I met one in person yesterday, but he's now got a friend visiting from out of town, so I won't hear from him as much for the next couple days, so I'm not sure how that went. Well on his end.
Oh yeah, note that I'm a bit drunk. I'm helping a friend of mine with some empty wine bottles for some vino he's making. Um. Yeah. Helping as in drinking them til they're empty.
My house is a mess, I need a cleaning lady, I need a maid, I need someone to keep me organized. I am useless.
Work makes me wonder if I'm even remotely capable...I live in wonderment that I am actually in this job and that I'm trusted to do it. I'm amazed.
Photography has slowed incredibly. I've had no time. I'm exhausted.
And well. That's it pretty much. There's alot going on in my head, my self esteem is still taking a hit here and there, sadly related to men, and I'm trying to correct that. I know fully well that I don't need a man in my life, but dammit, I really do want one. My lonelies are hard to deal with.
Oh life. How it plays with me.
Instead of blogging, I've been overburdening an internety/bloggy/facebooky friend, who really, has more than enough of her own issues to deal with. Thing is, I think perhaps because we are equally overthinkey...she manages to make sense to me. Unusual. And she's really good on analyzing the men. Excellent. For which I thank her profusely. Because I am SO not!
It's a busy world out there. I'm working a lot. I'm internet meeting men, but that's not going so fantastically, I don't think. I don't know. I met one in person yesterday, but he's now got a friend visiting from out of town, so I won't hear from him as much for the next couple days, so I'm not sure how that went. Well on his end.
Oh yeah, note that I'm a bit drunk. I'm helping a friend of mine with some empty wine bottles for some vino he's making. Um. Yeah. Helping as in drinking them til they're empty.
My house is a mess, I need a cleaning lady, I need a maid, I need someone to keep me organized. I am useless.
Work makes me wonder if I'm even remotely capable...I live in wonderment that I am actually in this job and that I'm trusted to do it. I'm amazed.
Photography has slowed incredibly. I've had no time. I'm exhausted.
And well. That's it pretty much. There's alot going on in my head, my self esteem is still taking a hit here and there, sadly related to men, and I'm trying to correct that. I know fully well that I don't need a man in my life, but dammit, I really do want one. My lonelies are hard to deal with.
Oh life. How it plays with me.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
welcome to the complaint department.
Well this is another blog submission in which I complain. Which, face it, has to be why you keep coming back because god knows I'm so fucking good at it.
And swearing. I excel at swearing :D
So today I decided it was the day that I was going to ask a dude to go out with me and he said no. It's a thing I was given for work, to a sports event, I have absolutely no courage in the men regard and was all prepared, then forgot, then had to do it via text, then got shot down.
Am I blind? Am I unable to tell if someone is flirting with me? Am I just the fat girl no one wants?
Well no one that I would want wants me, this I now for absolute certain!
For all the "you're greats" and "you're fabulous" comment, and all the "you're single?" comments, the fact remains that indeed I am.
And I'm now officially tired of it.
so this experience has slapped me down rather nicely and I will certainly never do that again, this I can tell you for free.
And swearing. I excel at swearing :D
So today I decided it was the day that I was going to ask a dude to go out with me and he said no. It's a thing I was given for work, to a sports event, I have absolutely no courage in the men regard and was all prepared, then forgot, then had to do it via text, then got shot down.
Am I blind? Am I unable to tell if someone is flirting with me? Am I just the fat girl no one wants?
Well no one that I would want wants me, this I now for absolute certain!
For all the "you're greats" and "you're fabulous" comment, and all the "you're single?" comments, the fact remains that indeed I am.
And I'm now officially tired of it.
so this experience has slapped me down rather nicely and I will certainly never do that again, this I can tell you for free.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
feelin' the heat
So we're roasting here. Hello Montreal. No middle ground, just freezing your ass off in winter & drowning in snow, or dying in heat & humidity (it was the equivalent to 104F yesterday here with 70% humidity in case you Yanks don't get the 40C sitch). I think that rivals the weather in bloody Vietnam or something. Just gross.
It's festival season, I do not like shooting music festivals, so I have 3 band/singer songwriter interviews lined up for the next week. Fun fun.
The below post was premature. I can't go into anything really, because truthfully, I never want him to find this & be embarrassed by it. So really, all I can say is, I enjoy him, he enjoys me, nothing other than getting to know each other is happening (not that we wouldn't want more to happen but for certain reasons that's not possible) and I am waiting very impatiently. But I am thinking it just might be worth it :) which would be really nice.
We're hanging tomorrow night. Going to take some pictures. Should be good. We always enjoy time spent together.
Work is somewhat akin to insanity currently, I have more work then I know how to deal with, I don't think I can realistically stay at work as long as I should need to in order to accomplish everything I have to do, but I still like it, so a;ll of that is moot. One day at a time.
Essentially one day at a time is my mantra. For work, for him, for life.
It's festival season, I do not like shooting music festivals, so I have 3 band/singer songwriter interviews lined up for the next week. Fun fun.
The below post was premature. I can't go into anything really, because truthfully, I never want him to find this & be embarrassed by it. So really, all I can say is, I enjoy him, he enjoys me, nothing other than getting to know each other is happening (not that we wouldn't want more to happen but for certain reasons that's not possible) and I am waiting very impatiently. But I am thinking it just might be worth it :) which would be really nice.
We're hanging tomorrow night. Going to take some pictures. Should be good. We always enjoy time spent together.
Work is somewhat akin to insanity currently, I have more work then I know how to deal with, I don't think I can realistically stay at work as long as I should need to in order to accomplish everything I have to do, but I still like it, so a;ll of that is moot. One day at a time.
Essentially one day at a time is my mantra. For work, for him, for life.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
rewind
I am so out of practice with this stuff. I'd forgotten, or maybe I never knew, that one has to open up and talk to people in order to get things out in the open and solved.
Thankfully, I'm dealing with someone that is an excellent communicator and does't sugar coat anything (ie no lies. really. not even if something would hurt me).
So. Things seem to be making some progress. There's nothing going on (literally) but everything all at that same time. It feels ok.
Thankfully, I'm dealing with someone that is an excellent communicator and does't sugar coat anything (ie no lies. really. not even if something would hurt me).
So. Things seem to be making some progress. There's nothing going on (literally) but everything all at that same time. It feels ok.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
See. I knew this would happen. I would upset myself. Again. As I do every time someone is of interest to me.
I can't solve his issues, I can't force him to do what he wants to and is too afraid to do. I can't make anything happen in any timeline, especially not mine.
So it's time to give up. Back off entirely. Forget about it. Forget about him. Because it's not giving me what I want.
Not that I'll get what I want anyway. But whatever. That's for another post. Or not. Whatever the case may be.
I'm so sad. So so so so sad.
I can't solve his issues, I can't force him to do what he wants to and is too afraid to do. I can't make anything happen in any timeline, especially not mine.
So it's time to give up. Back off entirely. Forget about it. Forget about him. Because it's not giving me what I want.
Not that I'll get what I want anyway. But whatever. That's for another post. Or not. Whatever the case may be.
I'm so sad. So so so so sad.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
call me little miss neglectful
I know. I'm never around anymore.
Quick run down of the insanity I call a life -
- Job - I love it but dammit I'm busy & I could frankly live at work
- Photography, not doing as much as in the past, but trying.
- dudes - well, I don't ever want this guy to find this & kill me, so I'll abstain from commentary other than, I really like this guy & it's not as bad as I thought (his situation that is).
- Pets are all happy.
that's it for now, I promise to write something more detailed later this week.
Quick run down of the insanity I call a life -
- Job - I love it but dammit I'm busy & I could frankly live at work
- Photography, not doing as much as in the past, but trying.
- dudes - well, I don't ever want this guy to find this & kill me, so I'll abstain from commentary other than, I really like this guy & it's not as bad as I thought (his situation that is).
- Pets are all happy.
that's it for now, I promise to write something more detailed later this week.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I hate my neighbors. And I hate their Demon Spawn.
2am woken by screeching. One of the horrid children. Now I'm awake, it's 4 am, I'm waiting for dye release on my henna, because I might as well do my hair while I'm awake and it needs doing.
Joy. I have a huge meeting and lots of work to do tomorrow (today). Naturally.
Umm. My little friend from my last post? Well, I've found out more info on the subject, it's not as bad as I thought, and well, we're just getting to know each other I guess. Nothing more. He's got to do what he has to do & I enjoy him. So, that's how it is. He enjoys me too. That much is obvious.
So we'll see what happens there. All I know is I love hearing from him & talking with him :)
Otherwise I'm incredibly overwhelmed at work. I'm not sure what in hell I'm doing half the time, there's way more work than there is time in a day. I'm doing what I can.
2am woken by screeching. One of the horrid children. Now I'm awake, it's 4 am, I'm waiting for dye release on my henna, because I might as well do my hair while I'm awake and it needs doing.
Joy. I have a huge meeting and lots of work to do tomorrow (today). Naturally.
Umm. My little friend from my last post? Well, I've found out more info on the subject, it's not as bad as I thought, and well, we're just getting to know each other I guess. Nothing more. He's got to do what he has to do & I enjoy him. So, that's how it is. He enjoys me too. That much is obvious.
So we'll see what happens there. All I know is I love hearing from him & talking with him :)
Otherwise I'm incredibly overwhelmed at work. I'm not sure what in hell I'm doing half the time, there's way more work than there is time in a day. I'm doing what I can.
Monday, April 4, 2011
what am I doing?
Ok I'll preface this with - I know I shouldn't do this I am setting myself up for a huge fall. I know.
Back up a bit. I'm on the tweet thing for my photography. I'm not going to explain it, but it's gotten me a lot of exposure with the bands & the PR companies & record labels.
I've also done alot of networking with local photogs - one in particular I meet at alot of the shows.
Anyway she knows another part-time photog & apparently he & I are very much alike. So she's been telling us we need to meet. Like, repeatedly. Well finally, we were supposed to meet at a thing, but ended up inadvertently meeting a few days earlier at a photography thing. Talked when we realized who each other were, nice guy, walked me out and off we went knowing we'd see each other again later in the week.
Met at the thing, had a blast, were both taking photos, person who wanted us to meet was dead chuffed we got along like she said we would. He took off early, but he also works early, knew we'd run into each other later on.
Got added on the evil FB, chatted etc etc. Were at another thing in common the other day, where, for the first time (this is after sending me many msgs), I find out he has a girlfriend (he made sure I knew, said it to someone else in my earshot). Live in one. For god's sake. I get the drift it's not happy, but .... geeeez.
Well. I know I shouldn't but I'm continuing to message back & forth with him. He usually initiates, it's alot about photography, but it's sort of teasingly flirtatious (he's french, I'm lucky I can flirt in english so take that for what it's worth).
Why oh fucking hell why is someone I actually get along with, have alot in common with, why is he goddamned taken??????????? GAH!!! We chatted for HOURS the other day, I just don't know what in hell to think anymore.
Is it me choosing these unavailable people? I mean is this what I give off? God knows, all the last dates I have had were men who essentially, for lack of a better way to put it, said they would sleep with me but that I wasn't good enough for a relationship in their eyes.
I know I need my independence, but I do want someone just on the side? well no, I'm a pretty serious girl, who will make time for the right person.
I don't want to be someone's bit on the side.
But I can feel it. Looking forward to his messages. Tonight he popped up on chat (I'm glued to my computer trying to get my backlog of photos taken care of). I feel my stommach flip. It's stupid and I'm really setting myself up for a fall, I know it, but I think he's a nice guy!!!
And he's so totally not my type to boot.
What the hell am I doing?
I'm not thinking, that's for sure....
Back up a bit. I'm on the tweet thing for my photography. I'm not going to explain it, but it's gotten me a lot of exposure with the bands & the PR companies & record labels.
I've also done alot of networking with local photogs - one in particular I meet at alot of the shows.
Anyway she knows another part-time photog & apparently he & I are very much alike. So she's been telling us we need to meet. Like, repeatedly. Well finally, we were supposed to meet at a thing, but ended up inadvertently meeting a few days earlier at a photography thing. Talked when we realized who each other were, nice guy, walked me out and off we went knowing we'd see each other again later in the week.
Met at the thing, had a blast, were both taking photos, person who wanted us to meet was dead chuffed we got along like she said we would. He took off early, but he also works early, knew we'd run into each other later on.
Got added on the evil FB, chatted etc etc. Were at another thing in common the other day, where, for the first time (this is after sending me many msgs), I find out he has a girlfriend (he made sure I knew, said it to someone else in my earshot). Live in one. For god's sake. I get the drift it's not happy, but .... geeeez.
Well. I know I shouldn't but I'm continuing to message back & forth with him. He usually initiates, it's alot about photography, but it's sort of teasingly flirtatious (he's french, I'm lucky I can flirt in english so take that for what it's worth).
Why oh fucking hell why is someone I actually get along with, have alot in common with, why is he goddamned taken??????????? GAH!!! We chatted for HOURS the other day, I just don't know what in hell to think anymore.
Is it me choosing these unavailable people? I mean is this what I give off? God knows, all the last dates I have had were men who essentially, for lack of a better way to put it, said they would sleep with me but that I wasn't good enough for a relationship in their eyes.
I know I need my independence, but I do want someone just on the side? well no, I'm a pretty serious girl, who will make time for the right person.
I don't want to be someone's bit on the side.
But I can feel it. Looking forward to his messages. Tonight he popped up on chat (I'm glued to my computer trying to get my backlog of photos taken care of). I feel my stommach flip. It's stupid and I'm really setting myself up for a fall, I know it, but I think he's a nice guy!!!
And he's so totally not my type to boot.
What the hell am I doing?
I'm not thinking, that's for sure....
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