Monday, April 4, 2011

what am I doing?

Ok I'll preface this with - I know I shouldn't do this I am setting myself up for a huge fall. I know.

Back up a bit. I'm on the tweet thing for my photography. I'm not going to explain it, but it's gotten me a lot of exposure with the bands & the PR companies & record labels.

I've also done alot of networking with local photogs - one in particular I meet at alot of the shows.

Anyway she knows another part-time photog & apparently he & I are very much alike. So she's been telling us we need to meet. Like, repeatedly. Well finally, we were supposed to meet at a thing, but ended up inadvertently meeting a few days earlier at a photography thing. Talked when we realized who each other were, nice guy, walked me out and off we went knowing we'd see each other again later in the week.

Met at the thing, had a blast, were both taking photos, person who wanted us to meet was dead chuffed we got along like she said we would. He took off early, but he also works early, knew we'd run into each other later on.

Got added on the evil FB, chatted etc etc. Were at another thing in common the other day, where, for the first time (this is after sending me many msgs), I find out he has a girlfriend (he made sure I knew, said it to someone else in my earshot). Live in one. For god's sake. I get the drift it's not happy, but .... geeeez.

Well. I know I shouldn't but I'm continuing to message back & forth with him. He usually initiates, it's alot about photography, but it's sort of teasingly flirtatious (he's french, I'm lucky I can flirt in english so take that for what it's worth).

Why oh fucking hell why is someone I actually get along with, have alot in common with, why is he goddamned taken??????????? GAH!!! We chatted for HOURS the other day, I just don't know what in hell to think anymore.

Is it me choosing these unavailable people? I mean is this what I give off? God knows, all the last dates I have had were men who essentially, for lack of a better way to put it, said they would sleep with me but that I wasn't good enough for a relationship in their eyes.

I know I need my independence, but I do want someone just on the side? well no, I'm a pretty serious girl, who will make time for the right person.

I don't want to be someone's bit on the side.

But I can feel it. Looking forward to his messages. Tonight he popped up on chat (I'm glued to my computer trying to get my backlog of photos taken care of). I feel my stommach flip. It's stupid and I'm really setting myself up for a fall, I know it, but I think he's a nice guy!!!

And he's so totally not my type to boot.

What the hell am I doing?

I'm not thinking, that's for sure....


Technodoll said...

You have to gage if the potential hurt is worth the potential happy... :-)

myself said...

EEK! I was afraid someone would say that.

I just keep thinking that nothing good can come of this...*sigh* figures.

All about the Zen said...

oh hun. Been there. Done that. Couple of things to think about...

If you are thinking this is anything more than just a professional contact, than how would you feel if you were the live in girlfriend right now. She might be toddling along thinking her relationship is smashing. Also, if he's flirting with you, he might have or had several others strung along.

Men will continue to message, flirt, push the boundaries, etc. You need to set the bar high. If he is all that and you swim in the same pond, you will run into him again. Let him know, when he's single to get in touch. If its purely professional or purely platonic...keep it that way. Don't get your flirt on with him, even though its so fun and so easy. :)

Regardless, no judgment here.