Ok so everyone I know can give me the heights of shit tomorrow, today, whatever it is depending
on the hour.
I emailed him one last time.
And this will be it. I have no idea what the hell. No idea about anything. Guess I've been blown off. Guess his ex came back and he didn't have the heart to tell me.
Anyway, this tune...new one, speaks to me - don't they all?
Where I Was Before
(written by Jim Cuddy & Greg Keelor / performed by Blue Rodeo)
I can't get used to what you told me
You said better brace yourself
There's changes coming in
I wake up to a brand new story
To the clock that's ticking on the shelf
Then let it all begin
Now I know that I'm right here where I was before
Chasing all my ghosts around
Maybe I worry what I will say
Now I'm only 3 hours away
Living in between the pages
Watching the strangers come and go
Just life that's passing by
It all keeps coming down in stages
Only hurts the ones you know
No matter what you try
Oh and now I know that I'm right here where I was before
Chasing songs from town to town
Maybe I'll worry what I will say
Now I'm only 3 hours away
Some things they go too fast
Some times aren't meant to last
Turn away and then they're gone
I wake up to the red sky morning
I pray that the trouble all has passed
Just something that I dreamed
I must have missed all of your warnings
I guess we played too fast
Much closer than it seemed
Oh and now I know that I'm right here where I was before
Making all my plans aone
Maybe I worry what I will say
Now I'm only 3 hours away
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
these tears are making my mascara run!
And so.
Here I sit, crying at a song. Did I not say that for me, lyrics are like poetry? My emotions are very near the surface recently, all that has happened or not for that matter. I'm weepy. Weepy and old on Saturday. Ah ok, not old, but man, sometimes I feel like I'm 80.
Here's what made me cry. I'm a Canadian, which is probably why you don't all know most of these artists, but we have some good ones up here, so note I always include the artist - in case you all want to look them up :-)
Why Don't You Love Me?
(written by Amanda Marshall, Desmond Childs, Eric Bazilian / performed by Amanda Marshall)
Why am I lonely?
You're sitting right here
Why am I talking?
It's like I'm talking to the air
What am I looking for?
That just isn't there
Why am I angry?
How'd it get so bad
And why am I missing
What we
Never really had
Why don't you love me
The way I love you?
Why don't you feel things
As deep as I do?
We've got a fundamental difference
In matters of emotion
But I need to feel you need me
Like a river needs an ocean
Baby why don't you love me?
Who am I kidding babe?
It wasn't meant to be
But you wanted a believer
And I needed to believe
For every wall you built around you
I learned a brand new way to climb
And if I could've been your angel
I would've found a way to fly
I don't understand you
What's it take to make you cry?
And if leaving you don't break you
Then baby what's it matter why?
Here I sit, crying at a song. Did I not say that for me, lyrics are like poetry? My emotions are very near the surface recently, all that has happened or not for that matter. I'm weepy. Weepy and old on Saturday. Ah ok, not old, but man, sometimes I feel like I'm 80.
Here's what made me cry. I'm a Canadian, which is probably why you don't all know most of these artists, but we have some good ones up here, so note I always include the artist - in case you all want to look them up :-)
Why Don't You Love Me?
(written by Amanda Marshall, Desmond Childs, Eric Bazilian / performed by Amanda Marshall)
Why am I lonely?
You're sitting right here
Why am I talking?
It's like I'm talking to the air
What am I looking for?
That just isn't there
Why am I angry?
How'd it get so bad
And why am I missing
What we
Never really had
Why don't you love me
The way I love you?
Why don't you feel things
As deep as I do?
We've got a fundamental difference
In matters of emotion
But I need to feel you need me
Like a river needs an ocean
Baby why don't you love me?
Who am I kidding babe?
It wasn't meant to be
But you wanted a believer
And I needed to believe
For every wall you built around you
I learned a brand new way to climb
And if I could've been your angel
I would've found a way to fly
I don't understand you
What's it take to make you cry?
And if leaving you don't break you
Then baby what's it matter why?
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
dreading the mail is not good
Day 2 of being off. If it hadn't been a day full of hospital trips and to work for paperwork, I would have probably jumped off a cliff. I love my job. How bad is that? And the sick leave has been extended.
So I got mail. Things I had ordered for the guy. See, the guy is a former professional athlete, and I had bought a whole bunch of his cards (sports cards) to frame them for his new business. As a "business warming gift" of sorts. He said he didn't have much from those days, and I figured I would do something nice.
Naturally you don't do something nice for someone that hasn't contacted you in a month, so I guess I own a bunch of his cards. Back in the day, I would have given them to him anyway...but considering I have no idea what the hell is up with him, I believe "fuck him" is the term I would use, in which case he doesn't deserve boo all from me.
I do know that down the line, when he's no longer busy, or finished with his rebound relationship (don't get me wrong, very happy it wasn't me), or has decided not to go back to his ex girlfriend, or has come back from the US - which is another possibility, he will turn up, with a big goofy "sorry", wanting to start up where we left off. Wherever that was. And what will I do? No idea. Guess I'll decide at the time.
So, I'll tuck the cards in a drawer. Pull them out when I want a giggle (a few of them when he was young have particularly bad hair, and gave me a really good giggle when I received them - which is mean, and if I ever have the chance, I'll let him laugh at my photos from the 80s, he can have a guffaw at my John Taylor hair). Or look at the last one, which is the most recent, very recent, the man I remember, and wonder what if.
Is it bad to wonder what if?
As he would say....everything happens for a reason. Just wish I knew what that reason was.
So I got mail. Things I had ordered for the guy. See, the guy is a former professional athlete, and I had bought a whole bunch of his cards (sports cards) to frame them for his new business. As a "business warming gift" of sorts. He said he didn't have much from those days, and I figured I would do something nice.
Naturally you don't do something nice for someone that hasn't contacted you in a month, so I guess I own a bunch of his cards. Back in the day, I would have given them to him anyway...but considering I have no idea what the hell is up with him, I believe "fuck him" is the term I would use, in which case he doesn't deserve boo all from me.
I do know that down the line, when he's no longer busy, or finished with his rebound relationship (don't get me wrong, very happy it wasn't me), or has decided not to go back to his ex girlfriend, or has come back from the US - which is another possibility, he will turn up, with a big goofy "sorry", wanting to start up where we left off. Wherever that was. And what will I do? No idea. Guess I'll decide at the time.
So, I'll tuck the cards in a drawer. Pull them out when I want a giggle (a few of them when he was young have particularly bad hair, and gave me a really good giggle when I received them - which is mean, and if I ever have the chance, I'll let him laugh at my photos from the 80s, he can have a guffaw at my John Taylor hair). Or look at the last one, which is the most recent, very recent, the man I remember, and wonder what if.
Is it bad to wonder what if?
As he would say....everything happens for a reason. Just wish I knew what that reason was.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Day one
This is officially the first day of sick leave. It's about 7:45 am and I'm already going stir crazy.
Work much?
I will have a week and a half of thinking and basically doing nothing. Yay. Forced. How unimpressed am I?
And my company wonders why we spend so much in health care costs? This would be why, forced sick leave.
My plans for the day? Well, I need to do some work. Working on a big project at the moment that I need to get my butt in gear for.
Go *to* work and do a few things. Sign my short term disability paperwork. And then? I have no idea.
And there we go. Geezus.
Work much?
I will have a week and a half of thinking and basically doing nothing. Yay. Forced. How unimpressed am I?
And my company wonders why we spend so much in health care costs? This would be why, forced sick leave.
My plans for the day? Well, I need to do some work. Working on a big project at the moment that I need to get my butt in gear for.
Go *to* work and do a few things. Sign my short term disability paperwork. And then? I have no idea.
And there we go. Geezus.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
People
Sometimes, some days, I get tired of people. I am one of those that will bend over backwards, give my shirt off my back for others. But generally speaking, I don't get anything back in return. I don't expect it, but when *I* am having a rough time, it would be nice if some of what I put out there could be paid back.
This tune made me think of how I feel like that these days. My male and female friends, doesn't really matter which at this point, I'm having a rough time of it, but everyone expects me to be my fun self. And it's just not happening, so everyone has decided that they'll wait til I return to me. I find that pretty hurtful, those I listen to so often and yet nothing is reciprocated.
Where Were You?
(written by Marti Frederiksen, Suzie McNeil, Sean Cotton / performed by Suzie McNeil)
I’ve been sad and lonely for so many nights
Without you to hold me and show me it’s alright
A little understanding isn’t asking for too much
Well you loved me and left me and you never stayed in touch
Now you’re reaching out for something but there’s nothin’ I can do
Where were you to help me through all that emptiness inside?
Where were you, you never knew all those nights you made me cry
Where were you when I was all alone trying to mend this broken heart?
Now suddenly you’ve come back to me
Where were you?
Who are you to call me when you need someone?
And who are you to call me after what you’ve done?
And how can I forget the way you walked out on my love?
Well I could try to forgive you but that might not be enough
Well you broke into my heart and you left without a clue
Where were you to help me through all that emptiness inside?
Where were you, you never knew all those nights you made me cry
Where were you when I was all alone trying to mend this broken heart?
Now suddenly, you’ve come back to see it through
But where were you?
In the middle of the night I would count all the time that you came and left me
I could count so high that I realized that this was never where you wanted to be
When I needed your help you were somewhere else and I never felt so alone
To be with you, I’d be better on my own
I’ve been sad and lonely for too many nights
Where were you to help me through all that emptiness inside?
Where were you, you never knew all those nights you made me cry
Where were you when I was all alone trying to mend this broken heart?
Now suddenly you’ve come back to me, it wasn’t meant to be
And now you’re here to see it through , where were you?
This tune made me think of how I feel like that these days. My male and female friends, doesn't really matter which at this point, I'm having a rough time of it, but everyone expects me to be my fun self. And it's just not happening, so everyone has decided that they'll wait til I return to me. I find that pretty hurtful, those I listen to so often and yet nothing is reciprocated.
Where Were You?
(written by Marti Frederiksen, Suzie McNeil, Sean Cotton / performed by Suzie McNeil)
I’ve been sad and lonely for so many nights
Without you to hold me and show me it’s alright
A little understanding isn’t asking for too much
Well you loved me and left me and you never stayed in touch
Now you’re reaching out for something but there’s nothin’ I can do
Where were you to help me through all that emptiness inside?
Where were you, you never knew all those nights you made me cry
Where were you when I was all alone trying to mend this broken heart?
Now suddenly you’ve come back to me
Where were you?
Who are you to call me when you need someone?
And who are you to call me after what you’ve done?
And how can I forget the way you walked out on my love?
Well I could try to forgive you but that might not be enough
Well you broke into my heart and you left without a clue
Where were you to help me through all that emptiness inside?
Where were you, you never knew all those nights you made me cry
Where were you when I was all alone trying to mend this broken heart?
Now suddenly, you’ve come back to see it through
But where were you?
In the middle of the night I would count all the time that you came and left me
I could count so high that I realized that this was never where you wanted to be
When I needed your help you were somewhere else and I never felt so alone
To be with you, I’d be better on my own
I’ve been sad and lonely for too many nights
Where were you to help me through all that emptiness inside?
Where were you, you never knew all those nights you made me cry
Where were you when I was all alone trying to mend this broken heart?
Now suddenly you’ve come back to me, it wasn’t meant to be
And now you’re here to see it through , where were you?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
You know you're down when
It's beautiful outside. Gorgeous. Sunny, warm (finally...I am so tired of the cold - it's been something else up here recently).
And I'm holed up in the house.
Not crying, not totally depressed, but I did sleep the morning away (it's gone!) and other than perhaps groceries, I have no desire to do anything or go anywhere. I know I'll force myself later tonight, but right here, right now, I don't want to leave the sunny living room and my puppers. Ok, I'd like to go skating, but that sweet fractured tailbone keeps me from doing that. How much would falling on that hurt huh?
Some say, I sound depressed and I sound like a hermit. I admit they could be right.
Sigh. Why does it seem that it's so very difficult to be me on occasion?
Don't get me wrong I know there are those that are in much worse positions than I am and that there are a million things worse than those that have happened to me recently, I know this, I really do. Just sometimes it seems that it all happens at once, god forbid that I should experience a period of normalcy.
Then again, what IS normal?
And I'm holed up in the house.
Not crying, not totally depressed, but I did sleep the morning away (it's gone!) and other than perhaps groceries, I have no desire to do anything or go anywhere. I know I'll force myself later tonight, but right here, right now, I don't want to leave the sunny living room and my puppers. Ok, I'd like to go skating, but that sweet fractured tailbone keeps me from doing that. How much would falling on that hurt huh?
Some say, I sound depressed and I sound like a hermit. I admit they could be right.
Sigh. Why does it seem that it's so very difficult to be me on occasion?
Don't get me wrong I know there are those that are in much worse positions than I am and that there are a million things worse than those that have happened to me recently, I know this, I really do. Just sometimes it seems that it all happens at once, god forbid that I should experience a period of normalcy.
Then again, what IS normal?
It's Friday!
Friday night. Was out. Came home when the slow dancing started.
Feeling alone again. Which I hate. Because I hate admitting that weakness in me. Such a horrible little bit of me that I loathe.
One week today til my 39th. Still alone. Year eight. But no one knows it bothers me. If anyone read this blog, I think they'd be completely shocked at how needy I seem. Which generally I'm not.
The dog, the guy, and this week I fractured my tailbone. I'm good. So very good.
Going to grab a dog and head to bed, and try not to cry. Cry for my dog. Cry for what might have been. Cry because my body hurts.
Just cry.
Let's hope it makes me feel better.
Feeling alone again. Which I hate. Because I hate admitting that weakness in me. Such a horrible little bit of me that I loathe.
One week today til my 39th. Still alone. Year eight. But no one knows it bothers me. If anyone read this blog, I think they'd be completely shocked at how needy I seem. Which generally I'm not.
The dog, the guy, and this week I fractured my tailbone. I'm good. So very good.
Going to grab a dog and head to bed, and try not to cry. Cry for my dog. Cry for what might have been. Cry because my body hurts.
Just cry.
Let's hope it makes me feel better.
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