Friday, July 2, 2010

confusion reigns

How do people get their wires crossed the way they do?

You think you make yourself clear to someone, and they misinterpret, you misinterpret, and everyone ends up in a big mess of misunderstandings.

I'm partially to blame, he's partially to blame, and so the confusion. Nothing a good convo wouldn't solve. But I'm not sure anyone is up to it right now. Maybe before I go.

2 more days and then back to the life I hate. Away from the man I (let's admit it now, for better or worse, why I have no idea sometimes, really) probably love.

I won't be able to see him all cheery in the morning (how I have no idea with the amount he works), watch him & listen to him breathing as I try to sleep (nope, can't even sleep over here), see him half asleep on the sofa & just plain adorable at night.

Keeps things close to his chest. I'm not sure what is going on. Not sure where his head is, at all. All I know is what I feel and it's pure for lack of anything more concrete. I have felt so very "cared for" while I've been here. Something my life has been severely lacking. I relish handing over the reigns to someone I trust, not having to steer this boat all by myself anymore.

I don't want to go "home". Although it's not my home, it's his, it feels more like a home to me than mine does, probably because I no longer want to be there, and want to be over here. I am so comfortable here.

First order of business when back in Canada is getting the documentation together for my visa and getting that application in, as well as butt fully in gear to clean out and fix & sell that frigging house. It's a bane to my existence and a drain on my finances for absolutely no reason.

I'm 41. Time to get my shit together. Financially, emotionally, just althogether get it right for once.

Sorry bout my rambling. I'm so unsure what I'm on about half the time.

3 comments:

Adventures In China said...

It's wonderful to find a place that feels like home. Hope all the details move quickly for you to return.

Surfergrrl said...

I totally hear you about wanting to get shit together. There was a time no so long ago where I felt I had that. What happened? ugh!

Technodoll said...

I thought your house had been sold already? I may have misunderstood...

Love and a goal are excellent motivators to shove procrastination out of the way and get stuff done.

I have full faith that soon, very soon, you'll be where you want to be. With the person you want to be. Who else is driving your life anyways?

Attagirl. Hang in there.

(( hugs ))