Thursday, April 1, 2010

family & why I hate them

Really really long story here, see if you can keep up. It's been at the forefront of my week this.

When I was about 4 and asserted my independence, sort of around the same time my baby-loving mother had my middle sister, my mother decided she didn't like me much. It was inconceivable to my maternal grandmother as well as my father, and she wasn't able to offer an explanation. I don't actually think she knows why to this day (not that it's ever discussed except for her to say "oh that's right, blame me for everything"). It was bandied about that perhaps I kept her from becoming a full RN (back in the day if you had children you weren't allowed to go to nursing school here in Canada) and she resented me for that, or I was just really independent and she didn't like that (I was, and still am).

So, my parents went on to have 2 more daughters other than me. And I was ignored by my mother except for the basics of life (I don't deny she cared for me, but how much is in question), blamed for much of anything my sisters did (the middle one used to purposely do things, blame me, and my mother to this day doesn't believe it was her, even though the youngest was there to witness and says it was).

My mother and I were far from close, in fact she was nasty to me, my dad and maternal grandmother did all they could to make up for it. According to my Grannie (and now you know why she was so important to me) told me of the arguments the 3 of them would have concerning me and my mother's outright dislike.

She shipped me off every holiday/summer to my Grannie. So she became my mom, or the closest thing I had to one other than biologically.

High school was rough. I'd see the relationships between my friends and their mothers, and wish I had something somewhat the same. If wishes were horses or whatever.

I moved out at 18 1/2. Just after finishing CEJEP and dropping out of McGill.

I remember my mother's birthday party, first time my ex husband met my mother. My mom was so nasty to me that, and I quote, my ex husband said "I adore your dad, but I never want to see that woman again, she treats you like shit". I'd say something, ask if I could help, she'd ignore me or shoo me or just be plain nasty.

I was in a car accident in 2002, we were broadsided on my side of the car when on vacation in a remote part of Quebec (les Iles de la Madeleine for those who live here, which accounts for probably 50% of my 2 readers :P), I was hospitalized for a week, should have been longer but my ex husband (who was only my boyfriend for about a month at that point) had to get back to work and I wanted to recuperate back in Montreal. Broke my pelvis, major damage to my rear end, back, legs, I had to learn to walk again. This freaked my mom out. Completely. Also coincides with when she started taking Prozac (it was just out on the market), what I didn't realize other than the migraines is that my mother suffers from anxiety and depression. She was extremely worried, extremely concerned and that was a bit of a turning point between she and I.

But I won't lie and say it completely changed. She was and still can be very nasty in terms of me, I will never have the relationship that my sisters have with my mother, and as a result, when I attend family things alone, I feel like an outsider, not like part of the family at all.

Fast forward to my paternal grandmothers funeral. For those who can't keep up, I've had alot of stress and loss recently, Grannie gone, then Grandma, and during that week I turfed The Brit, my rabbit died (the morning of the funeral), house issues and issues with money.

I don't tell my family everything. They know about the grandmothers and the rabbit. They don't know anything else. I don't feel they need to know about everything in my life, I'll get a lecture about the money, I'll get a lecture on the house, I'll get a lecture on The Brit.

During the funeral, I stayed back. I am so close to tears right now, I can cry at the drop of a hat, and I don't like showing weakness, not to mention at the funeral were non-family members. I didn't greet people at the viewing, I sat away from everyone and tried to keep it together. During the service I didn't sit with my family, I sat in the appropriate section, but way at the back. Same at the gravesite.

I don't want to bawl in public, I want to reserve that for my time. I don't feel I need to explain that.

Seriously, I've never felt so alone in my life as I did that day. Not to mention, every family member is paired up, I didn't have anyone to lean on or be there for me.

I got hell from my youngest sister who said I was being disrespectful not speaking to people and keeping away, that I was acting like a child.

I left. They were all going to my parents. But I had a grieving rabbit at home I was worried about and dogs to walk & feed.

On Tuesday this week, I got a thank you note from my parents. In it was a nice note from my mother thanking me for being a pallbearer. And a note from my dad (who I have been closest to) giving me hell for behaving like a child, embarassing him, and to stay away from family gatherings if I was going to behave like that.

Of anyone other than my Grannie, my father has always understood me.

I ripped that up, and decided that fine, I would stay home from now on. I dread family functions anyway. I always feel like an outsider no matter what.

Then I get an email from my dad, both of my sisters CCd on it, concerning my niece's birthday and Easter celebrations. Saying that no bad behavior will be tolerated from me that I am not to ruin my niece's day.

I responded back that I'm staying home.

And I never will again. I'm done. I don't need my family, of all people to make me feel like I am crap and useless, aren't they the ones that are supposed to love you unconditionally?

I've been to therapy quite a few times in my life. I think some of my coldness stems from this whole thing, perhaps that's why I have no boyfriend, I am so hard to get to know....

All I know, is I'm so hurt. Horribly hurt. And give up on trying to explain myself to anyone in my family.


Adventures In China said...

Wow, I am so sorry you feel so alone and estranged from your family. I hope you can find peace in your decision. It sounds like you know what is best for you.

Anonymous said...

so sorry you're having to go through all of this. LIke China said, I hope you can find some peace in all of this.

Technodoll said...

(( hugs ))

I guess it's better to have it all on the table now, so to speak, than walk around on eggshells faking it... Sigh. We don't choose our families but we can choose what to do with them.