Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I'm just so....

You would think that at my age (in case you weren’t around last week, that’s 41); I would have some frigging clue what I’m doing.

I have none. I feel like I’m hanging by my fingernails over a cliff, no idea if I should climb back up or just allow myself to fall into oblivion.

It’s been 9 years of this. Since I left my husband. I worked my arse off, closed my business, worked sometimes 5 jobs at a time (it may have been 7 at one point), for at least 6 months, clawed my way back up the corporate ladder until 2 jobs ago when I was able to afford to buy the house off my husband and boot him out (that was 4 years ago this summer).

That’s actually when life began again, or should have, but whatever.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had pretty much a blast these past 9 years. But there really has to be something else.

I’m so discontented right now and I’m not sure which way to turn or why actually.

I’m frustrated that I can’t get to the UK fast enough. I’m still waiting on the insurance for the kitchen, I’m still waiting on the inheritance from my grandmother which will help fix everything else I need done (otherwise I am completely unable to do it). I can’t afford the f-ing visa I need to get to get a job, which is probably good because at this time there’s no point in my applying for anything, I’m stuck here for the unforeseeable future. I want to get rid of this godforsaken house that eats every cent I have(or may have in the future), an albatross around my neck, the time is right to be selling and I’m stuck.

Men. Well you all know my feelings on that. I don’t think I’m in the right city frankly, I’m not young, skinny, cig smoking & coffee drinking (and ingesting nothing else) and tiny, I’m tall, fat, old and I’m bloody well eating what the hell I please, I’m still continuing to lose weight. There is never that elusive “he’s interested and so am I” thing that supposedly is supposed to happen when *I* meet people. It’s always one or the other.

Except for the Brit, but I’ll get to him later.

But I am *so* tired of going it all alone. I don’t seem to have it in me to do anything that I need to, I don’t have the energy nor do I have the desire.

Then there’s work. I’d love to photograph full time but we all know I’ll make nothing doing it, so I go to work daily at the corp that is frustrating the hell out of me and hasn’t given me a raise in a while, and due to circumstances such as a new computer system that makes it so we lose half of our profit on files to our overseas office and problems with the same computer system, I won’t see any profit sharing for the second year in a row. We wouldn’t want to reward hard work would we? No no, the world is in economic crisis, we still have business but we’re not making as much for all the work we’re putting in, but of course, we deserve nothing.

I’m at the end of my rope.

The only relationship with the opposite sex in which there is interest on both parts is with a man in another country, a man that works more than anyone I’ve ever met, who I have to fly overseas to see etc, and even then, I don’t get to see him for a heck of a lot of time. I often wonder why he and I reconnected. Is it the universe attempting to ram home the idea that I will be alone forever and will never have what I want? I someone up there playing with me and laughing the whole time? Or is it that really, this person I met & fell head over heels for 16 years ago in May is the person I should be with? It just wasn’t time back then? Otherwise, what point is there to this?

I moved at warp speed over the past few years, nothing could stop me, I was going to make it at work, going to own that house, I was going to show everyone. I no longer have that energy. I no longer have that drive. With exception of going to work, seeing friends, and my photography, I have no desire to do anything at all.

I even considering staying home instead of seeing friends these days. I want alone time more than I’ve ever wanted it in my life. And yet what I do when I’m alone is sit and cry.

No. It’s not clinical depression. I know in a lot of ways, it’s situational. The wanting to move and not being able to, the man being over there, the whole house situation, and , maybe stupid to people around me, my grandmother’s death has knocked a lot of my wind out of me. Things remind me of her and bring me to my knees in pain over her not being around anymore. I think I always considered her my only advocate in life (and in a lot of ways, she was the only one truly on my side). Although I’ve always been fiercely independent, done everything I’ve done, achieved everything I’ve achieved, by myself, I always had her as a sounding board, or to cry to on the rare occasions I needed it. I know she’s still around in my head, but it’s not the same. Talking to myself. Which essentially it is….and still constitutes crazy 

I think, at the crux of it all, is that I can’t continue being as strong as I’ve been. I’m no longer capable, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Soundtrack: "Time For Mercy" - Jann Arden


Anonymous said...

Well honestly, I don't there's any reason to start your post by saying "you'd think I would know something right now." Obviously, you have your problems but I don't think anyone's problems our situations should be categorized into what they should or shouldn't be experiencing at such and such age, if that makes sense.

I understand your frustration, but the fact of the matter is people are thrown all sorts of pitches and that depends on who you are, not your age.

There's a quote I've seen that says something like, "If you didn't know how old you were, how old would you be?"

It's easier to think in terms of that quote because there's no sense in dwelling on what one should know by a certain point in their age. Some people may seem to have it made in their 20s. But when they get older, they too will have problems. They just won't be the same as yours.

I hope that all makes sense. I'm not trying to say how you should live your life, but it's a lot less saddening to think about where you are regardless of your age and get back on track from there.

Let me know if you need anything from afar! :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with Gooseberried. You've had a tough time lately, but there was so much in that post that made it seem like all of those things are happening TO you. Hey, I'm skinny and I haven't had a date in over a year. So what is that telling you? And I don't consider myself to be an old hag either.

What I do question about myself is the vibe I give off when things aren't going my way, or especially when I feel like I'm pushing people away. I love you dearly, my dear, but sometimes it seems you are very bitter about the things that life has dealt you and that's never going to help your situation.

There are certain things that are in your control and certain things that aren't. First I would say the whole Brit situation IS in your control. You can end this particular chapter in your life right now. Why do you keep hanging on to things that cause you pain? It only adds to your "story" of being miserable. Make that choice to have control over just that one situation.

As far as your house, it's a drag, but it's GOING to get fixed. So try and be patient and just take each step as it comes along.

Your whole life seems to be based on a lot of "if only's" right now. If only I had a successful relationship, if only I was in London, if only my house sold...

I think that if you live in this constant state of if only, you'll never, ever be happy. Shit is going to happen all the time. But this time is the only time we have. Try to find some meaning in that and sometimes you just have to laugh at this crazy, bumpy ride.

myself said...

Firstly thanks for the thought through response to both of you.

Secondly, you're mistaking me for a person that will EVER be shiny & happy. Those people make me want to punch them in the head :)

I'm frustrated. I'm sad. It manifests itself how it manifests itself, and you all know that I come on here to blow up at the world in a way I don't do to anyone else and won't do to anyone that I know (unless pushed...then I may just break down and cry, it's there for all to see these days).

I'm stalled & unhappy, and I'm not sure how one expresses that. I don't believe in the "if you decide to be happy you will be" school of thought, there are things that make me happy and there are things that don't. I avoid those that don't generally. Right now, a good 80% of what is going on in my life isn't making me happy, and isn't going the way I want it to despite the best efforts I'm able to give.

What to do? Whine. So, I come here to whine. Anyone who knows me outside of here, knows that self deprecation is a part of me, I always make fun of me, I always put myself down, that's me and always has been take it or leave it. It's not because I think I'm shit (alhtough I do think I'm a MAJOR klutz).

I am tired. I need a vacation from life, and I can't. I haven't had a decent amount of time off sinece I was unemployed in 1995/96, I've worked ridiculous amounts, and I'm just tired of it all. If I was a weaker person, I'd probably be the one to take a bottle of pills and sleep the long sleep. But I'm not that person, never have been, even in the days I needed Prozac to get by.

All of this to say, this will pass, because, for the most part, no one knows what I've been going thru the past while, financially, personally, etc, because I don't talk about it at all. Purposely. If you only knew....

But occasionally I need to come here and let it all fly. Because right now I don't know whether I'm coming or going, and rereading what I blog sometimes gives me clarity and perspective from which to move on.

Anonymous said...

I feel bad then. :( I'm not sure what I can say that will help. :( Believe me I totally understand getting kicked around a bit, but I'm kind of one of those people who does believe for the most part you can choose your happiness. That works for me, but I TOTALLY understand if it does't work for you. Maybe I'm delusional to think it's my birthright to enjoy life, but I honestly think a lot of what does make me unhappy is my perspective on something.

I hope you find something that works for you! You know I love ya chica! I'm always here for you!

myself said...

Bah! nothing to feel bad about! muah!!!!

As they say, this too shall pass, I've survived worse...I survived the bank trying to take the house twice (thanks ex-husband) this is small potatos in comparison!

Janean said...

hey, it's your blog. vent. :)

i need to ask a Q. what's that square symbol with FO4A in it? i've seen it other places...

tomorrow everything may begin to turn around.


Technodoll said...

You need a break, hun.

A break from being the only one shouldering so many responsibilities, a break from the tiresome and frustrating job that doesn't pay what it should, a break from the weather, the critters and the heartache.

But what break would be enough? Besides changing your life around, any respite would only make things twice as hard when you came back.

I think it all starts with grieving - you're in the thick of it, don't underestimate how much of your energy this is taking. I can't imagine the giant mess I will be when I lose someone so close to me like that.

So cut yourself some slack... At least you have a job, you have a house to sell, you have someone waiting for you in the UK - your energy might not be up to par at the moment but so what? You're a fighter not a quitter, I have no doubt whatsoever that you will bounce back when you're good and ready.

In the meantime... breathe. Cry. Stay in, go out, plan and don't plan, sleep and maybe try to cut down on all the ties a bit.

Then come see me for tea and flappy McLips doggy! :-D

(( hugs ))