Thursday, January 21, 2010

I..just...can't...

What was that mention about "the winter of our discontent?"

I think this is my winter of discontent. Nothing feels right at the moment. Nothing fits. I don't fit.


As usual, life is up and down and all around, and that, in and of itself, is life. Isn't it?

My contractor has disappeared. That's because he and my colleague split up and he's punishing her by punishing me. Nice. Mature. I want a man why again? Back to the drawing board.

I've been working so much, most nights until 7, I'm still screwed up from my trip, and being sick, and now work is insane, I have photography, I have friends.

And truthfully, none of it is fulfilling me right now. I'm not sure what end is up.

While seeing/being with the Brit seemed like a good idea at the time...it's driven home to me that I'm here, he's there, and who knows what will happen in between. And I miss him.

Money. Oh money. I'm trying to sell things, and people are being cheap bastard f*cks about it. I know what these things are worth, I overprice them purposely so we can work down to what I want really, don't try to bring me down to less, as though I'm desperate. I want to sell, I want the $$ so I can get my visa for the UK, but dammitall, you're not getting these items for free, end of.

Being overseas was idyllic. No pain in the ass animals (I'm having major problems with a dog, I have some very tough decisions to make concerning him), no friends irritating me, the man I have a thing for within commuting distance, on the other end of a phone without a huge expense, no belongings to worry about, a house to worry about...nothing....and I want that. Ok not the pets....those I have for their life, I just want a life over there, a life that's a bit simpler then the one I have here, although I'm not sure that is definitely going to happen.

The frustrations I'm feeling are incredible right now. NOt that I hate my life, don't get me wrong, if nothing else, I know in alot of ways I'm blessed, I just want what I want. And now. And it's frustrating me to no end.

Anyway. Enough of my complaining.

Saw a C130 Hercules from the Canadian military go by the window here at work this morning, and I cried, knowing it has come from Haiti, bringing back broken individuals, either physically or mentally, who've come from a worse place then I can even imagine, a place I am all except financially incapable of helping.

If I liked kids, I'd adopt one. There are an awful lot of broken families down there....

Anyway. Back to work. Live to work or work to live, I know which one I'm feeling right at this moment....

5 comments:

Surfergrrl said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so frustrated right now. I think the reason you can't enjoy where you are right now is because you have one foot out the door in another "home." Right now you are neither here nor there, so its impossible to embrace anything...and then those problems like your contractor come up. Unfortunately, I just think its something you have to go "through" to get out on the other side. Just tackle each problem that comes up as best you can. Eventually you will be where you want to be. One hopes!

Technodoll said...

I don't trust contractors as far as I can throw 'em, except our fabulous one we lucked out on here... Too bad you're so far away, he would have fixed up your kitchen a long time ago.

Now if only it were that easy to fix up your heart and your life...

One step, then another. You'll get there. It's gotta be :)

Gooseberried said...

I'm sorry, lovely. I hope all these feelings pass for you soon. :(

Adventures In China said...

It's so frustrating to feel this way, I hope things turn around for you soon.

I'd have cried seeing that plane too.

myself said...

Thanks everyone. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and I'll get there shortly, I'm sure.