let's say goodbye to this godforsaken year

Anyone who actually knows me or has been reading knows how bad a year I've had. Well, some know more than others.

Deaths of important family members & pets, relationship death, insurance issues, house issues, work stress, friend stress, depression, financial issues, job problems.....it's been a peach. A juicy, stressful, peach.

So I am very glad to see the end of 2010. Oh yes I am.

So, a friend who has been very depressed lately is being taken by me to see a comedy show tomorrow night. They have the whole "finger food & champagne" thing as well as dancing after, not sure we'll hang around for that, but, my thought on the subject is that there will be no way better than to bring in the year, but by laughing. It's a much better option than last year's cry fest (even though it did occur in London UK!). And she can't afford it so it's my gift to her for being there for me this year. We're going to have a blast.

And I can stare at a little crush of mine, dude that flirted heavily with me when I met a friend at a martini bar downtown where I met a friend again for a comedy show. He was the host of the show, hot as hell, all blonde & blue eyed and tall, and I had made some sort of correction to something he said (god I'm right gobby bitch) and he came to talk (flirt) with me afterwards. Turns out we have friends in common, I'm also shooting comedy shows here and there so I added him on Facebook (almost typed Faceboob there), so I could go see him again maybe because he's funny. Which is how I found out about this comedy evening. See, it all makes sense!

Anyway. Move is almost done. Almost. I hope. Puhleeze???? geezus this is taking forever.

So, the Christmas fall-out has begun.

My dad was bored at work and Googled me. My twitter feed came up. Which is fine, I don't hide in anything except this blog.

Except that I had said that I heard from none of my family about Xmas, I hadn't been invited.

He texted me asking why I said that, that they assume I'm going and that I'm expected there like everyone else. Well, I responded back because it was true. It is true. My sisters and my parents make plans and don't bother to inform me. I don't know if it's because they don't think, because my input doesn't matter as I'm single and therefore should just be able to do whatever everyone else wants me to, or that they just don't care, but they didn't inform me.

I had to ask my sister where it was. I can't drive back from Ottawa by myself, it's not possible, I fell asleep last time I did it alone, so I opt out of going to my other sister's place.

But the fact remains, I'm not a mind reader, how the hell am I supposed to know if no one tells me?

+++++++++++++++

In other news, I made it through Christmas day with very little issue. My friend came over for brunch, I cooked, we had a blast, a great chat, it was really very nice and I so miss that sort of thing.

I cooked all afternoon and then went to her family for Christmas. I know her whole family, so it was great, it's not my family, the things that irritate you about your own, of course are no issue to me.

Got my one and only gift there, one of those reed diffusers, I love those things...ocean smell...yummy.

+++++

So I'm cooking pea soup. Going to go back to the house (it's STILL not done) and then a jam night I don't feel like attending afterwards.

These are the days I force myself.

++++

In other news I'm going skiing with a friend probably next week. Really looking forward to it. First off I get to see him, secondly, we're going x country skiing. Yey.


Ok end of bla bla bla.

choices

A year ago I was on an Air Canada plane, on my way to London. So looking forward to spending my holiday away from my family, away from everything that I disliked about my life.

It ended up not being the most enjoyable visit. Mostly due to the Brit and how much he upset me. I found out when I was over in June that he had a girlfriend at the time, guess that explains his distance. And how much he behaved like a jerk. I knew there had been something up. so I guess that wasn't much of a surprise when he laid it on me.

But the parts of that visit that I remember so vividly, loving the look of the light dusting of snow on the row houses around me, the quaint decorations (not gaudy like alot of them here are), the street markets up in Tottenham, the pubs, the London zoo. Walking around in my shoes & my fall jacket whilst it was -20C here. I loved it over there.

I still do.

And I sit here and wonder at the choices I've made in my life, how I'm sort of stuck here for now, dealing with THE here & now and the fallout that has ensued.

My depression due to my grandmother's death, that was very hard to deal with. I'm still not totally ok, but have learned to deal with it.

I still feel out of place in my life. Like the only thing I really do well is work. And that I do. Regardless of the opinion of my last company. Idiots. I'll blog about that later. I got my final settlement in my account. No fear.

I never got an invitation to my family for Christmas. Nothing. Nada. I asked. But no one called, no one emailed. At times when I've needed my family most, they have often failed me because they have no idea how to deal with me. Or what to say to me. They are perturbed by the things that happen in my life, or have happened, and how I deal with them (this year I didn't deal with anything very well). It comes out as criticism their concern. I've had words with both my sister and my father recently. It was necessary. But I figure it's left a terrible taste in their mouths.

I am not an easy person.

So I'm spending Christmas with someone else's family. Which does leave me feeling a bit messed up. A bit like an outsider (you think I'd be used to that by now).

And alone. I feel so very alone. Sitting here in my new place. Listening to all the families outside my door, having fun. Eating. The smells are to die for.

I haven't eaten anything since a banana this morning. And a few Lindt chocolates. I spent over a grand in the past few days, between replacing my cell phone after the "blackberry meets a cup of coffee" incident, getting a tv (I sold my old one, it was too big, this one is smaller and was very very cheap), a toaster, a hundred and something bucks on groceries, a new set of $600 pots and pans that were 70% off. Actually, I quite needed those.

I wish I could feel nothing like I did during the summer & in the fall, at the height of my depression. Right now I feel everything. Every ounce of hurt that is out there, I feel.

Doesn't help that super bunny Tao died the other day. In my arms. After a seizure. I am devastated. He was my favorite. I loved him so much.

I can't wait to see the end of 2010. I'm sure there will still be fallout in 2011, but I hope and pray that it's nothing like this year has been. I have lost more than any of you will ever know, because amazingly, what you read isn't the half of it. It's been a devastating year. In the words of my counsellor "it's a miracle you didn't collapse completely".

I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I'm all about owning what hand I had in some of the bad things, perpetuating them, making them worse than they could have been, but the counsellor said I had nothing inside me with which to deal with them.

Life is so complicated.

And this entry is so willy nilly.

There's something wrong about sitting with tears streaming down your face on Christmas Eve, isn't there?

But at least I can cry again.

is it over yet?

19 years in a house is a long time.

It's also enough time to accumulate enough shit that you have no idea what to do with it. I've resorted to throwing anything away that isn't worth something. Essentially that's what I'm doing now. I no longer care.

If I don't want it and can't sell it, it's garbage.

I'm so tired of packing/unpacking/pitching etc, I cannot even tell you.

I'm currently on a break. It's been 2 solid weeks. And I have this teensy ickle bickle car that has a hatch (thankfully) but I can't fit everything into it at once, so trips home, trips to the storage place...it's hellish.

It has to be done by the end of the week. Both for my sanity & the person buying it.

My back is just on fire. But I have to keep going. Endless I tell you.

Anyhoodles.

The season I hate is upon me. Unloved & unwanted, I go into this thing on my own again. Except for the pets who I love so dear. But still. I'm tired of this. I'm hoping the "new life" I'm being given has that in store for me at some point, someone that loves me...not another one that takes & gives me nothing back.

I'm not going to my family on Saturday. It's at the sister's place, and I really can't drive back from Ottawa by myself in the dark, I have almost fallen asleep so often that I'm afraid. So the aforementioned brekkie in the previous post with my friend, and then I'm invited to her family (who I know well) for dinner with my potatoe contribution. And if I have time some sweeties as well. We'll see.

I am happy about it, and yet sad. I want someone to stay home with. My own company is fine and dandy, but the incredible lonelies are just killing me.

On the subject of the guy from the brekkie restaurant, he hasn't been seen since I resolved to give him my number. Yep. And that's the way my life rolls. Figures.

Job wise, something really good is working. I am very pleased about it. and will tell all when the time is right.

I do work well. I am shite at interpersonal relationships. I know I've said that before, but nothing is more clear to me at this very moment ... Seriously.

lonelies

Although I'm feeling in a good place, pretty much, I have the major lonelies.

It's that time of the year again. The one that makes many singletons feel like complete & utter losers, because it's about family & love and all that shit I don't really have.

I've given my family a very hard time recently, rightly so in my opinion, they've been giving me a very hard time, either about the UK or moving, or money or whatever. Only my sister knows that I'm unemployed. My father would freak. Completely.

This is the scary part about being alone. Having no one to fall back on.

Year 10 being single at Xmas/New Year. Year 10 of being on my own.

I'll be staying home this year. With the move etc, although I have a free flat in London, I don't feel I should spend the money, and I was really hoping this wouldn't be the case, the aloneness, and the idea of going back there after what happened last year isn't a good thing.

Although being here isn't much better. Sigh.

My friend is coming over for breakkie, pressure to get this place up to speed (eek!) and then, that's all she wrote for me. I won't be doing anything else. Guess maybe I'll make myself a chicken.

This time of year always makes me sad.

******

Maybe someone out there can give me advice about a situation??? it's sort of related!

Couple weeks ago went out for breakfast with my friend, I saw her car thought she was already in the restaurant, rushed the door and this guy & I walked into each other. Looked up, way up (I'm tall, so this was a nice change) and the guy was quite cute, and held the door open for me.

Fast forward to being seated behind him, he was alone, and he kept checking me out. Did the same when he went to pay, shyly looking away.

So I asked the waitress about him, he's in a few times a week (so obviously single), usually alone or with male friends, branch manager for a bank. Oh so cute. Oh so shy. I like shy boys.

Anyway. She told me when he goes in etc etc etc and lo & behold, 2 weeks later, I saw him today.

But what in hell do I do? Does he remember checking me out. He looked at me very shyly again...then looked away. Like I told the waitress, it's not like I'm going to get the guts to walk up to the guy & give him my phone number (she said to give it to her lol!)

What do I do?

I feel like I'm in high school. Can you pass him a note for me? lol

and so it goes

I sometimes feel I will never get that house empty.

Oh my god the SHIT, absolute SHIT that we accumulate over the years.

I am have to make a concerted effort to NEVER have that happen again. The place is a mess. I don't think we see what we live in at a certain point. I'm lucky it sold. The guy who bought it has a hell of a lot of work ahead of him. But that's what he does, so I guess it's ok.

Pitching, pitching, packing. Unpacking to make room for more boxes. My upstairs rooms are pretty empty, but I really have to lean down the amount of things I own. I did have a full house. Full of the things that one accumulates (ie furniture), but geezus.

I need to get it done before the week is over, before the sale closes, but again, my teensy car, alone, it's a bit difficult. I also have obligations.

Good thing I'm not working.

Yep. You read that. To top off the year from hell, I lost my job. I'll go into it the *moment* the settlement money hits my bank account. But not until then. Assholes. That's all.

But it's ok. I am fairly certain that I have something starting in January. Actually I'm positive I do.

And boy. Not working, you spend a hell of a lot less $$. Amazing that.

Back to the unpacking. I have a "visitor" tonight, so I want some curtains up, and to be able to move. :)

wishes

So. I'm sitting here staring at the boxes and trying to get them to unpack themselves.

Not happening. Shocker :)

I love it here. I don't care that I am back to being able to hear my neighbors a little bit (it's concrete in between units, so it's not that bad), and that I have no idea what to do with everything I own, I'm just really happy here.

The house is still full of stuff, some is definitely coming with me, but I haven't had opportunity to pack it, some of it's going to the curb, some to storage. I can only do what I can do. Right?

Dogs are settling in. Rabbits have just been released after 2 days of being prisoners in their cages while I got the area ready for them. Foster bunner has a new "cavy cage" and my 2 are loose in my bedroom.

Hoping that everyone stays clean, that I don't have to smell anything nasty in here (I have a dog that is a pee-er - soon I hope when he gets anti-depressants that'll stop).

Hope for the best. Right?

Anyhoodles. Off I go to get dinner with a friend. must go check on the bunners first.

I am old part 1 million

So I'm in. Slept in my new place for the first time last night, on the sofa, didn't make it up to bed. Which still isn't set up anyway....

Didn't make it to the house today, couldn't do it, it's a mess and there's still so much stuff left there...omg, shoot me.

I have to get my arse in gear.

But I have lots of time to do this. I want it all done by end of next week though.

Nothing is done here at the new place. Shoot me. I did buy myself a new kettle though so I can have tea and stare at the mess.

Internet works. Heh

I'm going back to moving about this joint like an 85 year old woman. Later.

changes

So. In 2 weeks I'm moving.

Sale of this place is almost complete. Packing sitch is NOT in any way shape or form anywhere near done. Holy good lord.

I am bittersweet about this. This house meant so much when my ex & I bought it, there was so much hope & promise, new beginnings et al. It's all coming back to me as I pack up my belongings.

But then again, this house also saw the demise of my marriage, housed 2 very unhappy people who were married but so separate, and then 2 people who were separated & living on different floors, and then housed just me. Single me that wasn't able to take care of this house, which, due to neglect during the marriage, when my husband was out of work all the time, or just plain not helping at all, started to fall apart. It ate all my money. I have nothing left. And I have to sell for way below what the house should be valued at, and while I'll clear my mortgage and some expenses, not much will be shown for this house he & I paid CAD 95000.00 for. After all is said and done, it wasn't much of an investment.

I am so looking forward to renting again. Something breaks, it's someone else's problem. I have my rent, my electricity, my internet, my phone, and nothing else to pay.

I'm renting a townhouse. I'm enclosing photos, these are my actual townhouse.





I used to live there, with my ex husband, before we bought the house. I looked at 2, one was the spitting image of the one we had before, this one is a titch smaller, but very updated and doesn't look the same. I fell in love, and so, it's mine.

The staff remember me, amazingly, it was almost 20 years ago, because they remember good tenants, and I'm very happy and relieved.

I'll try to blog, but I'm so behind on everything...if you don't hear from me, it's all good....

Change is good. The relief I'm going to feel is palpable.

One Match

I'll let Sarah Harmer do the talking....

this n' that (a bit ranty, warning)

So a few things in this life of mine (there will be swearing for the faint of heart).

Company I work for frustrates the fuck out of me. Seriously. They promote being so employee positive bla bla bla (we were purchased about 10 years ago by a very very large American multi-national - which I used to work for - so I know how the core company works intimately as I worked for them). In fact, the department I work most closely with has been ignored by their own manager, are now at critical mass, employees are upset, I'm trying to help them, their own manager is sabotaging them, as is the company itself (financial issues, you know, being American and all). I'm tired of this. They aren't my employees but I'm trying to fight on their behalf and it frustrates the hell out of me that my pleas are falling on deaf ears. It's going to be time for me to move on. Just can't come quickly enough.

I tell you, this team leaves the company, I'm gone too. I don't want to do it without them. They've said the same of me.

**********

I get a text from a friend last night. At this point, I'm using that term pretty loosely.

Asking me if I got a flea ridden rabbit over the weekend. I'm thinking "WTF??" but I'm assuming he means at the SPCA. As much as I love it, I've never said anything but I had to give it up (at least for now) because I have way too much on and was too stretched and it was making me cry (they have 100 for adoption).

I knew he had gotten a rabbit. He gave it to a friend (because he wanted it) and while at the friends it got fleas so the guy got rid of it.

I'm furious. Why do I know these people?

********

In the same vein, a co-worker, who has asked me a million times about how to adopt from the SPCA, comes into work announcing that he got a kitten and it's a pure bred and it's so cute yadda yadda.

From the pet shop.

It's a mix of Himalayan & Irish something (newsflash, it's a fucking mutt, it's not a fucking purebred).

Informed him that he has just killed about 5 kittens at the SPCA by buying from a pet shop.

"But I saved it!" he informs me. No dude, you just put a bunch of kittens at the SPCA to sleep. And perpetrated the entire cat mill industry. Well fucking done.

*************

My neighbor who is also a friend (although I wonder why seriously).

She cannot be without a man.

So she's started dating a mutual friend, who, while being a good enough guy, is a waster who doesn't have a job, he's a musician (please note, for all I have to do with musicians, I never date them, and there's a reason for that), he lives with his mother (in his defense she's 97 with dementia and he's her only child), has power of attorney over her $$.

All of a sudden my friend is never home. So in a phone convo I ask where she is, I haven't seen her in a while. She's staying at the bf's place. Note that she has 2 cats and 2 dogs. Where are they? Oh they're in the house, she comes once a day. ONCE A DAY!!!!!!!

I said I haven't heard the dogs to which she says "oh maybe they're dead, that would solve all of my problems"

OMG. Why. in. hell. do. I. know. these. people!!!!!!!???!!!

Oh and his mummy is in the hospital, dying, never to leave, and they're playing house without her neglected pets and he bought a new Jeep. Nice.

****************

Enter my best male friend. I've mentioned him before. Used to be my neighbor, had a huge crush on me at one point, feeling is frankly mutual, we've done this dance around each other for years. Travels alot for work. Shares a house with my EX FUCKING HUSBAND??!!?!?!

I shot a concert on Saturday that I had an idea he was going to (if he was in town) emailed and sure, he was.

Sat comes, he's nowhere to be seen, but generally will avoid the opener (I don't know why people do that, they can be so GOOOD), texted him, was on his way (I assumed with his best friend - turns out I was right of course).

Concert started 15 mins early, I got some shots off downstairs and went up to the balcony, large band, wanted some shots from up top as below was very full and there was no pit whatsoever.

I'm standing on the stairs on one side and feel an arm go around my waist and a whisper in my ear "hello...who's that with all the cameras!". I turn to look up at him, big grin on my face (I haven't seen him in months), and put my arm around him, rest my head on his shoulder and all is right with the world.

Please note. We generally avoid touching each other. We are always incredibly awkward in that respect, brush hands and we're apologizing left & right.

His bestie is watching all of this with a look on his face.

Anyway they went and took their seats and I continued to shoot the concert, and because I had no restrictions and the venue was one I can stick around in without getting shot out, I stayed. Loved the band. I couldn't tear myself away if I tried.

So, he walked me to my car. Told his friend that's what he was doing and he could come along if he wanted but, he'd be back if not. Friend came along of course.

Find out he's quit his job, he has always been on tenterhooks with this company, he's a consultant for them, makes a good amount of money, his rent is low because he's sharing, so this isn't a big deal. So we're at my car and he states "we need to get together and have dinner & those drinks" (he was going to make me dinner, and this was a while ago). His friend says "would you two just do it and get it over with please so we can all get on with our lives?".

HA.

Anyway. He has this thing. He becomes a hermit. Now, as you may have noticed (ahem) I have a tendency to do the same, so I get it, but now he's hermiting from me, and I don't like it. One thing was that he wouldn't answer his friends, but I was special (hahaha! yep special). Now he doesn't even answer me all the time.

So I just emailed him to ask him what the hell.

I have missed this guy. If he's going thru something, I'd like to know....I adore him, always have, we get along like no one.

And if it has to do with guilt concerning my ex, I'll frigging kill them both. Swear it.

Ok so that's my garbage for the past few weeks. I've had enough. Might I mention that?

Oh yeah, the shittiest bit of the past couple weeks? A friend's brother was feeling sick, went to bed, never woke up. He was 30. She's 4 months pregnant by a man that doesn't want to know. She is obviously devastated, and seeing her pain is killing me. I'm voting an aneurysm of some sort.

Ok enough from me.

and so it continues

The pairing up. Holidays are coming. People are finding a significant other to spend it with.

In my social group, I will soon be the only single person.

Which I guess means I'll have tonnes of time to devote to finding a job overseas.

I'm overjoyed at the prospect.

I can't wait to move. I couldn't get a date here if I tried, in England, for reasons unknown to me (maybe that women look way old before their time over there?), I get hit on constantly.

I have no value here in Montreal. Well except to men I wouldn't date for all the $$ in the world. Sorry. I do have some taste, it may be odd, it may not be the norm, but it is there. And, after a marriage in which I wasn't remotely attracted to my spouse, I am not going there again, ever. He can be the nicest guy, if I'm not attracted to him, I'm not having anything to do with him.

Back to work. The thing I'm good at. Why blog about relationships when this is the one area in which I am a huge failure? It depresses me as is anyway.

I'm trying!

Sorry guys. I'm just too busy recently to do anything.

11-12 hour days at work, packing the house, moving things to storage, finding somewhere else to live temporarily, getting the dogs prepared to move overseas (oh and the cat), trying to get a job over there. Photography.

Yep. Busy.

*bark*

Things you would hear at my house right now.

1) me coughing

2) foster bunny trying to escape from his enclosure

3) me hacking

4) Iggy whining from his cage, where he's a prisoner for over another week

5) me choking & hacking

6) the cat meowing that he wants out of the house

7) me taking a drag from my inhaler

8) hamster wheel a churnin'

9) me trying to breathe

10) Vince chewing on a rib of celery

11) me crying in pain at my chest hurting from coughing

Yes. Boys & girls, my second cold of the season has been with me over 2 weeks now, and I'm feeling horrible. It's aggravated my asthma something wonderful, my head is killing me, and I'm faint from coughing so much. Almost thrown up from coughing as well. It's been fabulous.

After I edit these shots from a press conference, I'm going to bed. End of.

endless

Keeping in mind that I generally come on here to be NOT positive and bleat my crapola etc....

Drama. Can it end please? I'm a frigging magnet for it these days.

I have stuff happening, it's fine, I'll survive, but it's a bit stressful et al.

Enter Saturday morning, when I arrived home to find that my sweetest little red pupper Iggy couldn't walk.

My dogs are miniature Dachshunds. 1 in 4 gets degenerative disc disease. Iggy could almost not use his back legs, his back was roached and he was in pain.

Off to the vet, where they confirmed my worst fears, a disc (please note that it costs 3-4 grand to fix this problem - hello daddy's credit card???). But there was a possibility that it could be an infected disc. Remote but possible, because he was running a low grade fever, and it could also be cancer, so an x-ray was done.

It's an infected disc. Don't ask me how it happens, I can't tell you.

He may not get all the use of his back end back perfectly, but he's been running around when I take them out for a pee, he's on cage rest for 2 weeks...poor bugger, he's not pleased except it keeps him from being Bungee's object of attack. However.

Fingers crossed.

But seriously gods. Enough of the drama? Really. Just let me pack up my house and get on with it k?

I could also use this cold being taken away too, enough of that as well!

where my brain's at

Je pense à lui by Chic Gamine

And what I'm trying to say
Can't be done in a tongue
That I know too well
Cuz if you hear it, I fear I may just have to come clean
And, oh my dear, in the morning
I'll say in the day, that it's not so bad
But it's those other times
When these words are all I see

Quand la lune tombe pour la nuit
Je pense à peu de choses
Mais, je pense à lui
Mon coeur est brisé
C'est bien tant pis
Je pense à peu de choses
Mais, je pense à lui

And I'll disguise my words from you
Take a sleeping pill or two
And I know this feeling should pass
Trying, oh, so hard to see
The green, green grass
The growing trees
When I know they too won't last

And isn't it even sadder though?
This foreign chorus
You may never know?
And maybe someone else will understand
But I don't want just any man

J'ai laissé mes rêves avec toi
Et je me suis laissée tomber dans l'oubli
Why did you forget about me?

Tu prends tout l'espace dans mes pensées
But now these words to you I must say
Ca suffit, mon ami
C'est fini

status quo

So....I'm much less miserable. But I'm no less sad.

I'm not liking the way my life is behaving. At all. And all the changes I'm trying to make are either taking too long or being beaten into submission by circumstances.

Again. I'm watching people pair up. In my private & online life. I am avoiding reading some blogs. Hiding people on Facebook because they're much too happy for me to read. The holidays are approaching. It looks like a) I'll be stuck here and b) it'll be holiday season #10 alone. Not sure I'm going to survive. I feel so....lonely......

That probably accounts for 80% of both of these things.

I'm finding solace in my photography. And not really much else. Daydreaming about being over there and how I will live my life. My different life. My new life. Now if the job would just sort itself, and the house go away.

Smiling is still pretty hard work. But the psych says this is all normal normal normal normal. Fear, bereavement....all normal.

I just don't feel normal, but I guess that's no suprise, I never have anyway.

holy good god

I'm going to repeat a conversation I had with a friend earlier. She said this. Not me.

"Are all men assholes? Do they all lie? Are there any good men, because if this is the life I'm supposed to live, I'd like a do-over!"

My friend has been defrauded by her boyfriend. 3 credit card applications, 2 went thru, credit cards & pins sent to her home, but she didn't receive them, activations done from her home, but she didn't do them.

I just spent this morning consoling her when we were out for breakfast and she told me, and the afternoon at the Surete de Quebec while she made her police report.

Rest of the afternoon calling the other credit card companies to have fraudulent credit cards closed.

Unbelievable.

Poor thing is devastated. Completely & utterly and rightly so.

How do people do these things?

Worst part, because the boyfriend is a recent immigrant, police aren't sure they'll be able to locate him. So she has to remain ok with him for a few days so they can do an intercept of him after she calls them to come and get him.

Wonderful.

There are some really really shitty people in this world. I have to tell you.

I'm saddened and sickened.

Soundtrack: my friend trying to seem ok on the phone to the boyfriend

stress 1 : myself 0

Work - situation critical, HR manager & boss coming to see me from Toronto on Monday. I asked if I was being fired (hahaha) but they wouldn't let me know they were visiting if that was the case and my boss was rather insulted when I asked. Damn, kinda, I'd like to get bought out so I can just concentrate on getting rid of this house and moving overseas.

Home - oh well, this weekend will be dedicated to packing up and deciding (again, forever and always) what I'm taking and what I'm getting rid of and listing things on the net to sell. Which is giving me a huge headache. Yey.

Photography - I think in my spare time (*snort!!!!*) I'm going to start a music & photography blog. Good god. We'll see if I can manage that at some point. Anyway, I'm shooting tonight, potentially tomorrow & Sunday night. I'm already tired at the thought. But I love it so no rest for the wicked.

That's really about it. I'm just keeping to me these days in terms of seeing people & doing things, because I really don't feel much like it. My usual desire to escape the house is at an all time low. Which is fine. But then again, so is my desire to take care of things around the house, but now it's situation critical, so I have to.

ok back to work. snore.

Soundtrack: Oil Man's War - Kathleen Edwards

stagnant

Everyone else's world marches on as they should, new significant others, new jobs, new exciting things in their lives. And mine just...doesn't.

Still not happy. Not sure I am ever going to achieve that status.

a smaller head

So. Went to the head shrinker this evening.

Situational depression, totally normal under the circumstances or so she says, this year and all it's brought with it.

She finds it interesting that in circumstances where I'm beholden to someone else, as in, I've made a commitment, so photography, work, friends, I can get myself motivated to get up off the sofa. But circumstances where the motivation needs to be gotten to do something for myself (like cook, do my laundry, clean the house, pay my bills, take care of life in general), I'm unable.

The being able to do it for others is learned from past therapy. Anti-depressants are a problem for me, I can't take them because they do other things to me that aren't good, so I had to learn. And I learned it well. And I'm capable.

As long as it's for someone else and not for myself.

She said it sounds to her, like I'm almost not trying to get myself overseas. But we figured that one out. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the big change. I want to do it, but I'm terrified.

I now feel like I'm all alone in the world because the one person that stood by me, had my back, was there whenever I needed her is gone. My friends can only do so much, mostly because I'll only let them in so far. Grannie was there from the beginning of my life, knew what I went thru as a child, knew why I was the way I was, knew how to get around it. She knew what made me tick. And now I don't have anyone that understands me and my complex personality at all.

And I feel alone.

Which she says is understandable.

She thinks that the stressor of the house being gone and off my back will open up my mind and relieve the huge burden that I've been carrying on my back since about a year ago. It needs to be done in the next 2 months, I've given myself that deadline, November 1st it will be signed over to someone else and who knows where the hell I'll live at that point, but hopefully I can get the England thing to align itself.

We can always hope.

I cried from the moment I walked in there to the moment I left. Still haven't entirely stopped. I don't like crying in public, I don't like people acknowledging me being upset, particularly in person. I've held alot of this in for about a year. Except when I'm alone.

Or venting on this blog. Which seems to be an issue for some people.

We didn't get into how I'm supposed to deal with this feeling of being alone now. I'm hoping she can give me some sort of insight.

I felt a bit clearer about things. Clear as mud. I suppose it'll get better as it goes on.

One of the last things she asked me was if I'm happy with my life. I can honestly say no.

there's nothing I love more....

than being kicked when I'm down.

Thanks to all in my life that have recently done that.

If any of you read this (seeing as I keep it secret, that's doubtful), you'll know who you are. Otherwise, it's out there in the universe, and although I can't take back past support of you, it won't be forthcoming in the future.

Sorry I'm having hard time and it doesn't fit into what you all seem to think my life should be or my attitude should be.

There are things you all don't know. Scary things. Things that make you homeless - and destitute. Stressors in my work I can't write about, which are the reasons I'm on anti-anxiety meds.

I'm past cheering up now. Way past it.

If I was the type to jump off a bridge, I'd have done it by now, I'm sure things will swing upwards.

Of course I've said that for the past year and it hasn't happened, but anyway....one can always have a tinge of hope.

I'm tired of being judged for what I feel. What I feel is MINE. And I refuse to pretend because it might offend people.

The end.

life

Someone said life is beautiful.

I'm unable to concur. I've had enough bad. I'd like some good.

If this is the path that I'm to take, I'd love to know why it was me that is still here, and my life loving, new mother of a sister in law was taken?

The point is what exactly?

I don't believe there is one. and if there is, it's a big old cosmic joke.

Nuff out of me now. I have a house to clean, there's an agent coming to estimate the complete and utter shit hole for me. Joy. What a fucking mess, I'm nowhere near having it clean let alone even neat, it's full to the rafters with shit, and now I get to be embarrassed to have someone in it, but I have no choice.

No options.

Wonderful.

This life is a blast. Seriously.

and so....

it continues.

A nice email at 1:30 am - some well meaning convo via FB up to that point.

Nothing helps much at the moment.

If it's not work, it's my personal finances, personal life. If it's not that, it's the abject loneliness I feel, and that I'm completely and utterly alone in this world and everything I do. And will I ever fulfill my wishes, and if I do that, will I ever be happy with my life? Will I ever meet somoene to treat me decently? You'd think that was a simple request in life, but apparently I have a sign on my forehead that reads "even though I will fight you every step of the way, please treat me like shit".

This had better just be a moon thing. Otherwise I may fall over the edge of this flat earth.

Then there's work bullshit. I've had just about enough of the stupid situation that's happening around here, an exec fucking another employee. He's found out it was me that complained about his lack of attention to the work situation & the flaunting of that relationship, and now I'm being mentally abused, excluded from things that affect me directly in my work.

It's no wonder this world is brought to me by Ativan. And that I had stroke-level blood pressure and was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago.

I want that huge change, and I need to make it happen, and my desire to not get off the sofa or out of bed isn't making it any easier to do all of this.

I do everything I can but some days....I just can't do anymore.

I've arrived at that day once again.

awake

So many problems.

Get one solved, another pops up. Usually worse than the one previous.

I'm not dealing with things very well. Or at all. I'm going to see someone about it on Monday. Grief counsellor. Guess she'll help me thru it?

Left a couple important things to rot to shit because I can't be half arsed. Stupid.

Work has become hell. Stupidity of others

Overwhelmed

I'm sick of being me.

End of today's story.

rough

I'm having a terrible day.

Ever have one of those days when uncontrollable crying over someone is all you can manage?

When everyone around you seems happy & coupley and you, as usual, are not?

Just so lonely you can feel it with all your being?

Yeah. That's me today. Sad. Lonely. Unloved. & missing someone I should never ever considering missing, so much that it hurts.

I want to get to England, crawl into bed with him with my face against his back, his hand on my thigh, like I did this summer. & just listen to him breathe.

things I shouldn't do

Last weekend, at the urging of a friend, I went to see an astrologer. Something I've never really wanted to waste my $$ on before, but, well, she was insistent.

She of course, as I'd never done this before and was terrified, made me go first.

Sigh.

Name (only first) birthdate, birth time & where was I born.

And then away he went.

The things he shouldn't know:

- that I was married but have been separated a long time
- my father has a blood related problem
- I have 2 siblings
- I've had 2 miscarriages - but have no children (one was a girl he said, that made me cry later when I was alone, as much as I've never really wanted kids)

The good things he said:

- I'm a generally lucky person with a generally easy going chart
- that I'll be divorced from this first husband by my next birthday (that's March peeps!)
- that I'll get married a second time and that will be it (I really have no desire to marry again, but I guess it means someone might love me?)

The big things:

- one of the very first things to pop out of his mouth was "your 42nd year will bring huge changes to your life" (he had to ask me when I am 42, he hadn't calculated that)
- there will be much travelling, overseas
- I am a suspicious person. Very. And I weigh that suspicion against the truth, and frequently screw things up because I go with suspicion (oh yes, this I do).
- there is a man. And in line with the above suspicion, I am not sure whether to believe what he tells me or not, because there's a situation I don't like, he's married or has a woman in some way or another. But I love him. And that when all is said and done, he & I will be fine together, everything will work out, we will get married & I may have a late child because he wants it.

There were a few other things also, but, to the great disappointment of my friend, there's really nothing overly bad about my chart (unlike hers, which is a mess, so at least she felt she got something from it).

Of course, I'm a very suspicious person. Do I believe any of this malarky? I know people (actually my friend that convinced me to go) that have had things happen as predicted by some of these people....

So I'm taking it all with a grain of salt. Obviously the big changes are my move overseas. The man is obviously the Brit (I won't lie, I do love the asshole). But, as probably only one of my readers knows, the issues are possibly more complicated then this astrologer has any clue, and may not be forgiveable, or may not be something I want to be involved with.

So really...yeah....I shouldn't have done this, because I have a million questions in my mind, a million things have rushed back to my mind where I had gotten rid of them concerning the Brit. I don't want to love him. I don't want to marry him, I don't want to forgive him for what he's lied to me about.

life

It's full of twists & turns, ups & downs.

But for me, most of the time, it's full of disappointments.

And this is one of those times in my life that is hugely busting with disappointments.

ABC's of me

This one I can do! thank you PrincessB!

Just copy and paste.

A- My AIR CONDITIONER is set on: 72F. Because my ex husband liked Fahrenheit, it's not in celcius. I don't know how to change it.
B- My BEDROOM theme is: Green.
C- The CAR in the driveway is: 2007 Pontiac Wave
D- My DESK looks: a complete and utter disaster area
E- The EXACT time I wake up daily is: 4 am because my mind/body hate me
F- The FIRST thing I wash in the shower is: my face
G- My GARAGE is filled with: don't have one, but if I did it would be filled with my ex-husbands left-behind CRAP
H- My HOUSE is: a brick Cape Cod style
I- If you peeked INSIDE my bedroom you'd see: 2 bunnies, hay all over the floor because of the bunnies, books and an unmade bed
J- My favorite JUICE is: gin. That's juice right?
K- The best part of my KITCHEN is: absolutely nothing
L- The LAST person who visited my home was: my sister
M- The last piece of MAIL for me was: a bill what else
N- My NEIGHBORS think I'm: a bitch
O- If you OPENED my fridge you'd see:Fruits, veggies, raw meat for the dogs, lactose free milk, yogurt
P- My last house PARTY was: when my ex & I moved into the house. That was 20 years ago
Q- A QUICK meal I like to fix is: mushroom pasta
R- My favorite ROOM of the house is: living room
S- The SHAMPOO brand I use is: Sweet Pea for fine hair from Bath & Body works
T- My largest TELEVISION is: i have no idea, i never watch it
U- UNDER my bed you will find: dust bunnies & real bunnies!
V- The last time I VACUUMED was: 2 weeks ago
W- Looking out my WINDOW I see: the house behind me, the houses on either side or the house in front
X- I wish I had X-TRA: money. always money
Y- My YARD is: hideous and huge
Z- ZZZZZZZ My bedtime is: if I'm lucky I get to bed by midnight, usually 1 am ish

yep

Lazy lazy lazy.

Or rather not.

Lots of things to do, lots of things to see, life is a bit crazed so you're not going to experience alot of me I'm afraid.

Just too much to complete and not enough time when I'm not stuck at work :S

So a quick hello, I'm alive, I'm moving to England by end of October, to you all!!

concentrated

I'm in move mode.

I want out. Of my life here, of my job that's currently making me ill (strange, I have digestive issues since I returned to my job, coincidence? probably not).

I've started selling off some un-necessary furniture. I've started getting rid of the definitely non-essential crystal & china that I don't think I've used for years.

I'm cleaning up.

I am probably going to sell the house to a house flipper. I know how much $$ I want, and as long as I get close to that, it's a private sale & I take my money & run.

Still waiting for some documents from my parents for my visa.

Merrrr. Don't try to stop me family.

Memorial for my grannie this weekend down where she lived. I went out & bought waterproof mascara. Also will be the first time I see my middle sister (the one I dislike) since she said she hates me & doesn't want to see me again. Yay. Not. wish me luck not ripping her a new asshole (which my grannie would have totally appreciated, so everyone in my family can stfu)

phew!

So the Brit's dad is leaving hospital today. Their vacation can begin, although I'm sure, in his very English way, he's still worried, his dad can't fly for 2 weeks.

I don't mind being woken at 3:30 am to hear that sort of thing.

yet another reminder

Life is too short.

I heard from the Brit today. He's on the annual family pilgrimage to Spain. They left the day after I left England.

We communicate alot via Blackberry Messenger, due to my job, his job, & the time difference, but due to a friend that got a £4000.00 cell bill on a trip to Asia, he & his brother are terrified of getting a huge roaming bill, so the cells are turned off on the trip. We knew we wouldn't communicate much if at all during his trip. Same as last year. Internets are few & far between where they are.

He kindly turned the phone on for me for 3 seconds today. To let me know that his dad had a stroke on their first day there, and that he may be there an extra week because his dad's unable to fly.

If it was 3 weeks ago, while I would feel absolutely horrible for the Brit & his unknown family, now it's worse. Because I've met these people. And I loved his dad, I'm also pretty sure he liked me alot also.

I can't do anything from over here. I've made it clear that the minute he gives the word, I'll be there. But being the stoic bastard that he is, I can forsee that not happening.

So. White light for this bright, intelligent, happy man that I met 2 short weeks ago, who has many personality traits that he passed on to my Brit, looks he passed to him as well, who I would like to get to know better in the future. Whose funeral I don't intend on attending.

confusion reigns

How do people get their wires crossed the way they do?

You think you make yourself clear to someone, and they misinterpret, you misinterpret, and everyone ends up in a big mess of misunderstandings.

I'm partially to blame, he's partially to blame, and so the confusion. Nothing a good convo wouldn't solve. But I'm not sure anyone is up to it right now. Maybe before I go.

2 more days and then back to the life I hate. Away from the man I (let's admit it now, for better or worse, why I have no idea sometimes, really) probably love.

I won't be able to see him all cheery in the morning (how I have no idea with the amount he works), watch him & listen to him breathing as I try to sleep (nope, can't even sleep over here), see him half asleep on the sofa & just plain adorable at night.

Keeps things close to his chest. I'm not sure what is going on. Not sure where his head is, at all. All I know is what I feel and it's pure for lack of anything more concrete. I have felt so very "cared for" while I've been here. Something my life has been severely lacking. I relish handing over the reigns to someone I trust, not having to steer this boat all by myself anymore.

I don't want to go "home". Although it's not my home, it's his, it feels more like a home to me than mine does, probably because I no longer want to be there, and want to be over here. I am so comfortable here.

First order of business when back in Canada is getting the documentation together for my visa and getting that application in, as well as butt fully in gear to clean out and fix & sell that frigging house. It's a bane to my existence and a drain on my finances for absolutely no reason.

I'm 41. Time to get my shit together. Financially, emotionally, just althogether get it right for once.

Sorry bout my rambling. I'm so unsure what I'm on about half the time.

here we go again

Nope nope, this doesn't have to do with me, my trip or the Brit. That is all going just swimmingly thankyouverymuch!

This has to do with a friend of mine.

You may recall the bad friend I had that stole another friend's boyfriend. Let's call them Bad & Good.

Well. Bad & the boyfriend split up. We all saw it coming. We all knew it would happen. We all knew. Although these 2 deserved each other, her for doing the unspeakable to a friend, him for leaving & hurting a wonderful woman, we all knew it would end. Bad is impossible to tolerate. Me me me me me. Narcissist. He's no better. I think he's psychopathic in some of his ways of dealing with people (not to say he's killed anyone, just that he doesn't think of consequences or care about them & how they affect others, only of himself).

They split, she discovered she has no friends left because of this, he discovered he had 2 and was no longer welcome into the circle of friends we had all been a part of. He hurt Good horribly, she still isn't over it.

Except now he's making a full play for her again. Made a new FB profile dedicated to her and how he made a mistake.

Did I mention he tried to cycle through all the women in our circle of friends, just no one realized until AFTER the whole him & Bad situation, when everyone started talking. Except me, I can see thru the guy like saran wrap, and he's well aware of that.

Good is in a really bad place. 2 years ago her mother died very suddenly after being diagnosed with Leukemia. They met shortly after (she & this arsewipe). A week ago, her father found out he has cancer also, one considered to be incurable. She's devastated.

And now, because he's hotly pursuing her, she is totally taken with this dickwad, saying "well maybe he made a mistake?".

Yeah he made a mistake. One that really shouldn't be forgiven.

So I get the following from her:

"but you forgave the Brit!!?!?!?!?"

Um. I'd like to note a few things I listed to her.

A) the Brit & I live 5500kms away from each other, and hadn't gotten to the point of stating with a definition that we were dating. We were interested in each other, but had one or the other met someone else, or gotten up to something else, there was pretty much a "don't ask don't tell" situation going on.

B) He didn't fuck one of my friends, pursueing the relationship behind my back while I thought everything was ok, proceeding to split up in an email AFTER Bad & he had changed their FB statuses to say they were in a relationship with each other (this is how Good initially found out).

Inexcuseable.

And I get to watch this little train wreck.

You all wonder why I want to leave town? I want to leave this behind, leave behind my family bullshiz & get the f outta dodge.

What to do? I can't be supportive. I can't hang out with this guy, I seriously loathe him (and only tolerated him before because of her). Every ounce of me wants to deck him.

Goddamn.

further update

Very quickly, because I have absolutely no time these days....

Yesterday's discussion.

The Brit: So what day are you arriving again?

Me: the 25th. Problem?

The Brit: oh no not at all, actually I was just checking my work schedule the full week you're here, I'm on earlies, means I can take you out in the evening.

What time do you arrive?

Me: 7:30, I'll get the train out to your area, no problem

The Brit: no no no, we'll arrange something, I'm on lates, I can come pick you up

Me: um.....ok, if you want??!!?!?!

180 degrees people. 180 degrees.

I'm wondering how hard he hit his head....and if the damage is permanent :D

and still...

I know. I'm a horrid horrid blogger these days.

Still overwhelmed with my life. Although enjoying most things I'm doing. Got some new camera equipment that was well-needed, am prepared for the shows I'm shooting in London.

I am still numb with shock over my impending trip to the UK. Shock in a good way, I have nothing in that respect to complain about. I just can't believe that there has been such a huge, and I mean huge, turn-around in the Brit's attitude. Monstrous. He's almost pleased with himself that he's shocked me so much.

This will be a good trip. I have no lumps in my tummy except for nerves, I am not afraid, nor anxious, this is going to be a really good trip.

What I'm also looking forward to is that I'll be staying at his and will therefore be in the area I want to live when I move over, this will give me ample opportunity to really check it out. I'll also visit my new office near the airport, I'm here, I may as well....meet the guy that has *my* job.

I'm also thinking, I'd like to work for an aid agency. This has been a dream of mine for years, which pops up every time there's a natural disaster or something in which people need help from aid agencies. There's a very very large world renowned one in a town close to the Berkshires (in Oxfordshire - that should give you an idea of who it is), I think I'm going to try to get in there. I'd probably be involved in logistics still, that's a big part of their purpose....but I'd make a difference in the world and in people's lives.

Anyway, food for thought. The move is a few months out - probably about 4-5 at this point - not to get ahead of myself. But ultimately that's what I'd like to do.

Back to trying to work.

update

And for those non-believers (like myself for one!) - 4 days after the conversation below - after my telling him dates etc, asking if it's still ok...all is well and I'm being assured that he wants this just as much as I do.

I'mn still stunned. But stunned in a good way.

Could something actually be going the direction I want it to for once? Miracles.

fog clearing?

I'll apologize in advance for booboos as I'm doing this on a Blackberry as I lay in bed unable to sleep. It's 12:41 am. Night 2 that sleep eludes me.

The past weekend was an interesting one. I don't want to hear the groaning, but I heard from The Brit. And it was good.

I heard everything I've never heard before with a conviction that has never been included in our discussions. I was sorely missed and after some months of introspection on his part, he came to some conclusions one of which being his total assness toward me after I had been nothing but nice, second one being not wanting to lose me. All of this with an invitation come over & stay with him, please, he won't take no for an answer & owes me big time & needs to do a lot of apologising & grovelling.

I countered with asking when he had been hit in the head.

This little proclamation had been preceeded by a week or more of me winging & whining about wanting to be in England, missing the Brit, & deciding that fuckit, I'm selling up here & going as quickly as I can get work.

And now I'm tired so I'm going to bed.

But yes. I'm going at end of June. Back in July. Staying at his, will undoubtedly meet family, he'll be working but I can go to work with him in the evenings if I want. Days to myself, & shooting a few shows in London.

the mystery woman

Yep. That's me.

I know I know, I am a horrible blogger.

In my defense life has been pretty much insane recently, shocking I know. I don't think I need to explain, you're all pretty much aware from my previous posts.

I'm off for the next 5 days, Monday is a holiday here in Canada and I took my last 2 days of vacation as well as my floater. I worked almost a week of overtime in 3 weeks, I'm exhausted.

Agenda is to get this house relatively clean, do laundry, change the litle carpet in the bedroom which sounds like a small task but isn't, if it sees fit to rain I'll do some weeding, and finish a whack of editing. I need to cook also.

Having fun yet? :P

I am also hanging with a nice young man this weekend and I may or may not go into that in the future. It's a bit complicated, but some of it is complicated in a way that works for me (his job means he's in the province only 8-9 days a month). He's younger. Also works for me :) There are a couple things that don't, but he's cute & extremely smart and we'll see what happens. He's also french, which is a bit of a departure for me (I know that sounds stupid my being here but it just happens like that for me, always english guys).

Alrighty so on with my day, making Cuban spare ribs. I love my meal plan, as much as I've ignored it this week (bad bad bad bad bad). Really helps me watch the $$

summary?

Ok 2 weeks in summary.

- complete and utter insanity at work

- lack of motivation

- fight for my f-ing insurance money

- still no house insurance (it's scary, tomorrow)

- money money money

- I met someone online and met him so I could get laid (god...what is wrong with me?), in my defense he's a very nice guy, I liked him very much as a person, and I think he's a cutie. It will go nowhere. Major life/age differences. And well, I'm a mess anyway.

- met a fantastic guy (he started to talk to me and I turned around to see if he was talking to the person behind me), naturally he has a girlfriend, who I know indirectly (oh Facebook you disappointment). made me feel good that this total hottie sought me out twice to flirt with me. But again. I'm a mess. So no biggie right?

- spoke to my father this weekend. May see him tomorrow, he's coming to pick up some paperwork for an aircraft. If he makes me cry at work, I'll kill him.

- Lots of photography. One of the few things holding me together. I photographed Johnny Rotten. Major for me.

- The house I loved is sold. I figured :( And there is nothing out there to buy. I'm afraid now.

- Feeling very down on me, and need to fucking stop it.

Back when I can do something other than bullet form.

EDIT: It took me 2 hours to type the above out. Gawd. You all wonder why I can't manage to put together a blog entry....

and

I am reading everyone's posts, just not necessarily commenting, I'm not coherent enough to get a thought out properly....it's kinda sad :(

okey okey

I know. Bad blogger.

So here it is, in snippets, the good and the bad:

Good - insurance settled with me for more than what my kitchen will actually cost
Bad - fuckers cancelled my house insurance, yes, for making a claim (how dare I?)

Good - out and about taking photos etc
Bad - I'm so tired and have no time

Good - went looking at new places to live & saw one I'm in love with
Bad - I'm nowhere near close to being ready to sell my place (see above insurance/kitchen issues), it'll be gone by the time I'm ready, but my agent now knows what I'm looking for

Good - I got majorly headhunted. 6 figures headhunted.
Bad - I'm too tired to start a new job, although I will go and interview anyway. You never know.

Good - well there is no good to this
Bad - work wise, I think I'm stuck in Montreal. :( No England for me. The dream has died.

In other news, I'm lonely. To quote Carrie Bradshaw "I'm lonely. The loneliness is palpable". At the urging of a friend I reinstated 2 online dating profiles, which have netted me absolutely disgusting men I wouldn't go near if they were the last men on earth and a nice looking dude that I had to report to the website as being a Nigerian scammer (I knew immediately, I'm good at that). Oh and of course the guys looking for nothing but sex. Because being overweight, naturally, I'm good for nothing better, right? Yeah. NOT.

Yay me. So fucking dateable.

Family-wise, at the urging of a friend (same one who suggested the dating sites..maybe I should smack her?) I emailed my dad the full situation concerning funeral day and my "unacceptable" behavior of wanting to be left the fuck alone so I didn't lose it. He hasn't answered it, but has apologized stating how busy he's been and he's going to. Whatever. I have no family. Fine.

Heard from the Brit. Just asking if I'm ok. Answered that I'll live and left it at that, a one liner. Too little, too late.

In other news, I'm in love with Hawksley Workman. Goddamnit he's adorable. Look him up and then feel free to tell me I'm crazy because he's a little, balding, chubby guy, but he has the nicest, smiliest eyes, and is a bit crazy in the thought processes, which I'm familiar with because I'm the same. Photographing him was great, and he's a fantastic musician, so much so I couldn't pull myself away like I usually do when I'm done with the shooting, I stayed til the bitter end.

I'll try to write more. I promise. I'm just swamped.

and so that's passed

Easter has been and gone, and I think I slept right through it. Oh and edited photos. Yey. By the metric tonne.

Four days and I did absolutely frigging nothing around my house. Seriously didn't even vacuum, and I really need to get cracking.

I think I may have decided what to do after selling my house, but I'll keep that to myself for now. Not so certain about moving right now. Or ever. Oh I don't know anymore.

I'm attempting to save money using this website that gives you 5 day dinner meal plans based on the local sales at the grocery stores....it's working really really well, called www.SOSCuisine.com for anyone in Canada that might be interested, I'm doing the express meals and it plans out your grocery list, a plan of action and tells you where to get certain items that are on sale at the local grocery stores. Very useful, and my plan is no waste of food. Going well so far!

Um. Not sure what else to tell. Not much exciting. Work, photography, pets.

My new bunny is working well, litter training is a bit difficult, she's older, they usually learn when they've been spayed...but, um, if peeing on my arm is any indication, not so much. She sleeps on my pillow. She loves me. She licks. And she and my boy seem to have come to an agreement to not kill each other. It's certainly not love like it was between Tao & Molly, which was immediate and as we say here in Quebec, a coup de foudre (lightening bolt). This is more of an arranged marriage :)

When she's more comfy, I'll get some photos.

Anyway, I'm tired, so that's it.....I'm not bright enough to write enough today (although that rhymed yey me).

Soundtrack: City & Colour "Forgive Me" & Chantal Kreviazuk "Waiting for the Sun"

what the hell?

I don't even have sunscreen yet, and it's supposed to be 26C today.

It's frigging APRIL!

So yeah, no problem, I'll remain indoors until late September...except when there's no sun...yeah no problem....sigh....

family & why I hate them

Really really long story here, see if you can keep up. It's been at the forefront of my week this.

When I was about 4 and asserted my independence, sort of around the same time my baby-loving mother had my middle sister, my mother decided she didn't like me much. It was inconceivable to my maternal grandmother as well as my father, and she wasn't able to offer an explanation. I don't actually think she knows why to this day (not that it's ever discussed except for her to say "oh that's right, blame me for everything"). It was bandied about that perhaps I kept her from becoming a full RN (back in the day if you had children you weren't allowed to go to nursing school here in Canada) and she resented me for that, or I was just really independent and she didn't like that (I was, and still am).

So, my parents went on to have 2 more daughters other than me. And I was ignored by my mother except for the basics of life (I don't deny she cared for me, but how much is in question), blamed for much of anything my sisters did (the middle one used to purposely do things, blame me, and my mother to this day doesn't believe it was her, even though the youngest was there to witness and says it was).

My mother and I were far from close, in fact she was nasty to me, my dad and maternal grandmother did all they could to make up for it. According to my Grannie (and now you know why she was so important to me) told me of the arguments the 3 of them would have concerning me and my mother's outright dislike.

She shipped me off every holiday/summer to my Grannie. So she became my mom, or the closest thing I had to one other than biologically.

High school was rough. I'd see the relationships between my friends and their mothers, and wish I had something somewhat the same. If wishes were horses or whatever.

I moved out at 18 1/2. Just after finishing CEJEP and dropping out of McGill.

I remember my mother's birthday party, first time my ex husband met my mother. My mom was so nasty to me that, and I quote, my ex husband said "I adore your dad, but I never want to see that woman again, she treats you like shit". I'd say something, ask if I could help, she'd ignore me or shoo me or just be plain nasty.

I was in a car accident in 2002, we were broadsided on my side of the car when on vacation in a remote part of Quebec (les Iles de la Madeleine for those who live here, which accounts for probably 50% of my 2 readers :P), I was hospitalized for a week, should have been longer but my ex husband (who was only my boyfriend for about a month at that point) had to get back to work and I wanted to recuperate back in Montreal. Broke my pelvis, major damage to my rear end, back, legs, I had to learn to walk again. This freaked my mom out. Completely. Also coincides with when she started taking Prozac (it was just out on the market), what I didn't realize other than the migraines is that my mother suffers from anxiety and depression. She was extremely worried, extremely concerned and that was a bit of a turning point between she and I.

But I won't lie and say it completely changed. She was and still can be very nasty in terms of me, I will never have the relationship that my sisters have with my mother, and as a result, when I attend family things alone, I feel like an outsider, not like part of the family at all.

Fast forward to my paternal grandmothers funeral. For those who can't keep up, I've had alot of stress and loss recently, Grannie gone, then Grandma, and during that week I turfed The Brit, my rabbit died (the morning of the funeral), house issues and issues with money.

I don't tell my family everything. They know about the grandmothers and the rabbit. They don't know anything else. I don't feel they need to know about everything in my life, I'll get a lecture about the money, I'll get a lecture on the house, I'll get a lecture on The Brit.

During the funeral, I stayed back. I am so close to tears right now, I can cry at the drop of a hat, and I don't like showing weakness, not to mention at the funeral were non-family members. I didn't greet people at the viewing, I sat away from everyone and tried to keep it together. During the service I didn't sit with my family, I sat in the appropriate section, but way at the back. Same at the gravesite.

I don't want to bawl in public, I want to reserve that for my time. I don't feel I need to explain that.

Seriously, I've never felt so alone in my life as I did that day. Not to mention, every family member is paired up, I didn't have anyone to lean on or be there for me.

I got hell from my youngest sister who said I was being disrespectful not speaking to people and keeping away, that I was acting like a child.

I left. They were all going to my parents. But I had a grieving rabbit at home I was worried about and dogs to walk & feed.

On Tuesday this week, I got a thank you note from my parents. In it was a nice note from my mother thanking me for being a pallbearer. And a note from my dad (who I have been closest to) giving me hell for behaving like a child, embarassing him, and to stay away from family gatherings if I was going to behave like that.

Of anyone other than my Grannie, my father has always understood me.

I ripped that up, and decided that fine, I would stay home from now on. I dread family functions anyway. I always feel like an outsider no matter what.

Then I get an email from my dad, both of my sisters CCd on it, concerning my niece's birthday and Easter celebrations. Saying that no bad behavior will be tolerated from me that I am not to ruin my niece's day.

I responded back that I'm staying home.

And I never will again. I'm done. I don't need my family, of all people to make me feel like I am crap and useless, aren't they the ones that are supposed to love you unconditionally?

I've been to therapy quite a few times in my life. I think some of my coldness stems from this whole thing, perhaps that's why I have no boyfriend, I am so hard to get to know....

All I know, is I'm so hurt. Horribly hurt. And give up on trying to explain myself to anyone in my family.

a little light....

So, in amongst all the sh*t, there's been a bit of light.

The photography is full tilt. As is the ensuing editing. I'll sleep when I'm dead right?

Yesterday went to a Blue Rodeo concert, my favorite band ever ever ever....

I'll leave you with this song which made me cry, full out, standing in Place Des Arts, tears streaming down my face. That's Jim. On whom I've had a crush since I was 17. Yumm. I've met him a few times now, nice guy....



Yesterday I was on the computer, and someone got me onto chat. I'm not sure if I mentioned a friend trying hook me up with a photographer from the local newspaper...hook up as in friendly, not meant to be romantic...we have alot in common with the photography & are both foodies etc....she thought we might get along.

Long story short, we met at a vernissage of his, but due to his job, my job, & my friend's job we haven't been able to get together for a meal out. He's not my usual type, but seriously, sexy in a big way. Nice smile. And the brains in this guy's head. Also turns out we know someone in common (naturally, this small old world). I thought he might be interested but, he never asked me out.

Fast forward to yesterday. Not sure how it happened, but I told him I wouldn't say no if he asked me out. He was shocked. Said he would so do that, except just last week he started seeing someone. That he didn't realize, I didn't realize, and now we both know and nothing can be done about it because, in his words "dammit, you're a week late, but wow, you really tempt me, you are sooooo cute."

I did feel a bit better about myself, seeing as I've been feeling so damned down about everything. And it made me smile. And hey who knows, it may not work out at all with this other woman, right? :)

no pain no gain?

Ok so if I thought I was a numb disaster before, well, the past week's little gifts have made sure that I really am a completely numb disaster now.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't that close to Grandma, not like Grannie, but I watched her die, as I held her hand, alone in her room at the palliative care, she started to die, her hands changed color as they do, her breathing slowed, she knew my sister and I had gotten there, and within the space of a 1/2 hour from our arrival, she was gone. I started to panic she would die with only me in the room, my dad (her son) wasn't there, but I didn't want to let go of her hand in case she did go, didn't want her to do it alone, she didn't seem as though that's what she wanted. Thankfully, my sister came in the room, looked at my face as I croaked out "her breathing has slowed" and she called the rest of my family into the room. She breathed her last breath with everyone she cared about around her.

Waking up to a dead rabbit, one of my favorite pets, beside me in bed wasn't pleasant either. Considering I was trying to get some sleep, Tao just wouldn't leave me alone, he was spinning in circles going insane, and I couldn't get rid of him. He was upset. Rabbits understand death and mourn. His girlfriend had died overnight. I started to bawl, which freaked him out even more, not just cry, but straight out wailing, such that I never do.

Funeral that day from grandma was fun. Me crying for a rabbit, withdrawing from my family completely, didn't speak to anyone at the funeral other than family members, sister accusing me of being disrespectful to my grandmother (she's dead, how can you be disrespectful), and me wanting to just go home so I could check on my grieving rabbit.

Tao was sitting staring into space when I got home. This rabbit full of energy and vim, just sat and stared into space. Contacted my colleagues at the SPCA to make sure he was going to be ok, was assured as long as he was eating it was fine. He was. He was just pretty much devastated and worrying the crap out of me.

We got a bunner in at the SPCA a week and a half ago, a pretty female Rex, came in with her boyfriend and 2 babies, which were taken away from her as she wasn't producing milk. She was separated from the boyfriend. And she was grieving, doing the same thing as Tao, just staring into space.

So the girls decided that maybe the 2 grieving bunners would make each other happy. So on Sunday, I brought Mae home. They're very interested in each other, they're both much more active, Mae even binkie-ing (a cute little bunny jump, look up "bunny binkie" on Youtube), even though they can't be together completely yet (Mae is going to be sterilized tonight, don't want anymore mourning bunnies).

And then there's me. I'm still mourning Grannie. Semi-mourning Grandma. Mourning Molly. Mourning the Brit. He didn't make any fuss about me deleting him. Never contacted me (it's been just short of a week), and really tells me alot about how much I meant to him, regardless of the lip service I was given. I hadn't deleted him from my MSN, because, truthfully, I never go on it, but happened to go on to talk to a friend in Hong Kong last night, he popped on for probably 3 hours, and never once contacted me.

I have one foot in Canada, the other in the UK. I am so confused about what I want to do, and I am so horribly lonely I can't even tell you. I am always out, always social, and yet, I need that extra that a man might give me because I've been without it for so long. And it's spring. That seems to be affecting me alot.

But I have to be self-aware enough not to get myself into any situations because I'm lonely...because I've been alone for so long, out of desperation. My instincts are generally not too bad when I meet people in person, so I don't entirely worry about that (believe me, I meet many men that give me the complete willies....I know..).

I somehow don't feel that I will ever meet anyone that I actually like and might actually feel the same about me. And I'm well aware it's something I need to be positive about, but I'm not feeling it right now.

The house. Don't go there. I've done enough yelling at people about that. I just feel...stuck. Like I can't move forward. Like I'm in quicksand, and it just won't let me go.

So. Slog ahead. Get 'er done. Etc. I know. I just don't have the energy, desire etc to do any of this right now. And I really need to, I know that...I know I need to get my arse in gear in order to move forward, but I'm thinking that my fear, my hesitancy has to do with the fact that I don't have any idea what I'm moving forward for.

If that makes any sense?

the latest

My grandmother died, today was her funeral. (for those confused, that's 2 dead grandmothers in a month and a half - I officially have no more grandparents).

One of my rabbits was dead in my bed this morning and her other half is freaking out. I have a heartbroken rabbit on my hands. And a heartbroken me.

Any questions?

status quo?

So, I’m feeling a bit better.

Off to Ontario today. The other grandmother is not long for the world. This one doesn’t upset me as much (and I feel completely terrible about that), and we knew this was coming – were prepared for it, she’s 60 lbs maybe due to the cancer, and we have absolutely no idea how she’s managed to make it this long since her diagnosis, seeing as she can’t eat, can’t breathe, and it’s in her brain as well as lungs/pancreas/stomach.

Ah cancer. You bitch.

I’ve stopped contacting the Brit completely. And he’s not contacting me, so I guess that’s that. All this precipitated by a fight with him during which I wasn’t very nice. But oh well. It’s not very nice to be hot & cold now, is it?

Whatever.

Someone told me I was beautiful the other day (yes a man, and one I know). I had to ask him if he had said that to the correct person, but it was nice to hear all the same. It’s something I hear…well…never. So I wasn’t sure he meant me 

Got invited to attend my friend’s dinner club tomorrow night. We’re doing Jamaican food and I can’t wait. Love love love, if my life isn’t making me happy, let me tell you, good, amazing, flavourful food does. Or cooking.

Kitchen. Still nothing. Argued with the adjuster the other day. Asking me why the contractor wants to redo my plumbing. Maybe it’s just me, but generally, when one rips out counters and then puts them back in, one needs to remove and redo the plumbing. But what the hell do I know? This woman. Seriously pisses me off. I really want to punch her in the face. If you saw her, and the look when my sweet cat rubbed against her leg…you’d want to as well, trust. Fucking French bitch (sorry francophones!).

Received a copy of my Grannie’s will in the mail the other day, which I expected. What I didn’t expect was the bawling that ensued after I saw her signature. Weird what can set you off. I need to have a big glass o’ crappy wine in celebration of that will.

England. No clue. One day at a time. I’m still saddled with this house. I’m still confused. I still don’t know whether I’m coming or going.

Photographed 2 artists of note in the past few days. Charlie Winston (and he's yummy to boot) and Milow (actually not too bad himself either!). A Brit and a Belgian...go Montreal you international city. They were both fantastic and neither had their cds for sale so I had to resort to some other means to get their music (see my halo?). I tried.

Um. Think that’s it for now. I need to get off this puter and get my arse in the car home, I need a nap for my 5 hours of driving tonight will bring. At least my sister is coming with me, otherwise, I really wouldn’t make it.

Soundtrack: Heart Of Stone - Rolling Stones & Just Another Day - Serena Ryder

I'm just so....

You would think that at my age (in case you weren’t around last week, that’s 41); I would have some frigging clue what I’m doing.

I have none. I feel like I’m hanging by my fingernails over a cliff, no idea if I should climb back up or just allow myself to fall into oblivion.

It’s been 9 years of this. Since I left my husband. I worked my arse off, closed my business, worked sometimes 5 jobs at a time (it may have been 7 at one point), for at least 6 months, clawed my way back up the corporate ladder until 2 jobs ago when I was able to afford to buy the house off my husband and boot him out (that was 4 years ago this summer).

That’s actually when life began again, or should have, but whatever.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had pretty much a blast these past 9 years. But there really has to be something else.

I’m so discontented right now and I’m not sure which way to turn or why actually.

I’m frustrated that I can’t get to the UK fast enough. I’m still waiting on the insurance for the kitchen, I’m still waiting on the inheritance from my grandmother which will help fix everything else I need done (otherwise I am completely unable to do it). I can’t afford the f-ing visa I need to get to get a job, which is probably good because at this time there’s no point in my applying for anything, I’m stuck here for the unforeseeable future. I want to get rid of this godforsaken house that eats every cent I have(or may have in the future), an albatross around my neck, the time is right to be selling and I’m stuck.

Men. Well you all know my feelings on that. I don’t think I’m in the right city frankly, I’m not young, skinny, cig smoking & coffee drinking (and ingesting nothing else) and tiny, I’m tall, fat, old and I’m bloody well eating what the hell I please, I’m still continuing to lose weight. There is never that elusive “he’s interested and so am I” thing that supposedly is supposed to happen when *I* meet people. It’s always one or the other.

Except for the Brit, but I’ll get to him later.

But I am *so* tired of going it all alone. I don’t seem to have it in me to do anything that I need to, I don’t have the energy nor do I have the desire.

Then there’s work. I’d love to photograph full time but we all know I’ll make nothing doing it, so I go to work daily at the corp that is frustrating the hell out of me and hasn’t given me a raise in a while, and due to circumstances such as a new computer system that makes it so we lose half of our profit on files to our overseas office and problems with the same computer system, I won’t see any profit sharing for the second year in a row. We wouldn’t want to reward hard work would we? No no, the world is in economic crisis, we still have business but we’re not making as much for all the work we’re putting in, but of course, we deserve nothing.

I’m at the end of my rope.

The only relationship with the opposite sex in which there is interest on both parts is with a man in another country, a man that works more than anyone I’ve ever met, who I have to fly overseas to see etc, and even then, I don’t get to see him for a heck of a lot of time. I often wonder why he and I reconnected. Is it the universe attempting to ram home the idea that I will be alone forever and will never have what I want? I someone up there playing with me and laughing the whole time? Or is it that really, this person I met & fell head over heels for 16 years ago in May is the person I should be with? It just wasn’t time back then? Otherwise, what point is there to this?

I moved at warp speed over the past few years, nothing could stop me, I was going to make it at work, going to own that house, I was going to show everyone. I no longer have that energy. I no longer have that drive. With exception of going to work, seeing friends, and my photography, I have no desire to do anything at all.

I even considering staying home instead of seeing friends these days. I want alone time more than I’ve ever wanted it in my life. And yet what I do when I’m alone is sit and cry.

No. It’s not clinical depression. I know in a lot of ways, it’s situational. The wanting to move and not being able to, the man being over there, the whole house situation, and , maybe stupid to people around me, my grandmother’s death has knocked a lot of my wind out of me. Things remind me of her and bring me to my knees in pain over her not being around anymore. I think I always considered her my only advocate in life (and in a lot of ways, she was the only one truly on my side). Although I’ve always been fiercely independent, done everything I’ve done, achieved everything I’ve achieved, by myself, I always had her as a sounding board, or to cry to on the rare occasions I needed it. I know she’s still around in my head, but it’s not the same. Talking to myself. Which essentially it is….and still constitutes crazy 

I think, at the crux of it all, is that I can’t continue being as strong as I’ve been. I’m no longer capable, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Soundtrack: "Time For Mercy" - Jann Arden

happy?

Well. I'm not.

Am currently struggling.

It's my godforsaken birthday tomorrow. While the number doesn't offend me, what I have lacked in accomplishment, where I am is what does.

Single at 41. Yey. Just how I wanted it to be. Not. Have met one person a year of interest to me for the past 5 years. None of it went anywhere, except leaving me heartbroken (current situation unknown, but don't worry, I expect it to lead absolutely nowhere as well).

I won't get that call or that card from my grannie for the first time in 40 years.

I have to work.

I'm so near tears all the time right now. You don't realize how much someone is intertwined in your life until they aren't around anymore. It's really come home to roost to me in the past month.

If I didn't have the photography to fill a void, I don't know what I would do. Probably end up crying endlessly all the time.

Happy happy.

Soundtrack: Canada/USA gold medal game, Olympics Vancouver 2010

I know I know I know!!!!

I have neglected this poor darling of a blog in a serious manner.

Seriously.

Serious.

ANYWAY....

I've been up, I've been down, I'm all mixed up, I'm not sure what end is up, and I'm busy as hell to boot.

Shocking I know. Me. Busy.

Check out www.focusmag.ca - I am now photographing for them. Not telling you who I am though. Yes it's in french. Deal. So for that reason, I'm spending a hell of a lot of time editing & going to concerts, but I love it, so....hey why not? It also gives me a bigger exposure which is excellent, and the website is a member of one of those sites where you go to get photos of people when needed???? help me, what in hell are they called? Like Getty Images idea...anyway. There's the possibility of some $$ to be made for me as well as the exposure. I also see things I normally wouldn't make the effort to go out and see (ie spend the $$ on).

Ok, so I went on a date the other day. And may I just say, I am not doing that again? Nope. I'm done. I knew he wasn't for me the moment I saw the guy, and that's that. Nope.

And ultimately, he's not the Brit. That's what it keeps coming down to. No one is him.

I know. I say nasty things about him on here. Oh. I can go on. And really I shouldn't, because you guys think he's a complete asshole, when in fact, half the time I'm the asshole myself.....this is the problem with these 1 sided things, and of course, I'm sure I also come off a complete loon.

Yep. Complete loon.

I told him I don't like Valentine's day. So, he said he did what he usually does, and ignored it, ie - didn't say anything to me, and naturally didn't I take that wrong? Yeah. Own fault. Egg on face time.

I can't get him out of my mind. Period. I don't know what the hell it is.

I can't wait to go back or for him to come here. I need to see him and I know the feeling is mutual.

House issue may soon be solved. Kitchen done, and a sale. That would be really good, I'll have the $$ to do the things I need to and get a job and get the hell out of the country. That would be really nice.

I still want to go. The Brit or not, I don't want to be 65 sitting on my sofa thinking "Why didn't I go?"

Yeah. I don't know much anymore.

Anyway. So that's what is going on around here. Not much and a whole hell of a lot all at the same time.

My soundtrack for this post : Amy Millan - "I'm Losin' You" & Joydrop - "Beautiful"

things I've come to realize

1) I'll never leave this godforsaken country. There are so many roadblocks. Never ending roadblocks.

2) I no longer have the strength to keep fighting for what I want.

3) I can't tackle this house alone. I don't know where to start, and I don't want to start.

4) The Brit could really give a shit. I'm sure he cares in his own way, but it's not enough.

5) I generally feel invisible to the opposite sex. Which I guess, I am. Unless they're gay, then they love me :)

6) I'm not happy.

*this is brought to you by self introspection brought on by weeping, frustrations, the realization this is VDay #9 alone (I've been 5 years single, but that relationship never extended over VDay) and generally feeling like the shit on the bottom of someone's shoe

The End.

red

'Nuff said.

don't worry....

....I'm alive.

It's been a week and a bit, and I'm still standing. I occasionally get the urge to call and then realize she's not there anymore. That I helped empty out her apartment last week (and the rest is being done this weekend), that shortly her phone will be disconnected. That I'm wearing the ring that hadn't left her hand in over 20 years on my finger.

I'll survive. Just a bit of my heart is gone for good.

Much happening in the saga of me, just none of it anything I really want to be writing about. Photographing an artist tonight that is something I am so excited about, she's the reason I do concert photography.

And she's world famous, and her management company responded with "oh yes, we'd love for you to take photos!" (there are two types of Canadian management, those that forget their artists aren't famous outside of Canada, and those that reflect the artist's own beliefs that the small people are important too. Thank you Nettwerk :)

Supposed to do dinner with a friend and a gentleman she knows who happens to be a photographer for the Montreal newspaper. I think she was trying to fix us up, he's a nice guy....but, me with my plans etc....not sure what to think at this time. Naturally, we'll go do dinner the 3 of us, he and I have had some interesting FB convos, the photography and all, and, in a bit of "omg this world is too small" we have a friend in common.

There's also the Brit who is running cold, which he does when he gets busy (I believe the term "so fuck him" comes to mind). Engh. Whatever. Men. I can so no longer be bothered. And truly, nothing seriously huge can come from he and I if a) he doesn't make some effort on his part and b) I'm not over there, because truly, both of us are so frigging busy, we don't have a hell of a lot of opportunity to connect. My last couple weeks have been no help either. However I did have to get a new phone, so now he and I can keep in touch better.

Been too tired to do anything. Finally got a replacement contractor in to take a look at the kitchen, should have that estimate this weekend. Found out that I can take 3 days for my grandmother, stupid me, I didn't. Should have. The tiredness I'm sure has to do with the grief, I'm sort of....flat lined emotionally, really can't care about much, and the only thing that elicits much of an emotion is thinking about her.

Or anger. I'm quick to that right now. Piss me off and you'll be sorry.

Sorry to sound down, I'm not really, in fact, I can't wait to get to my concert gig tonight, and maybe out with a friend in the Village (gay village for those not in the know), hang for a few drinks with the boys, which is one of my favorite things to do EVER! Venue I'm taking shots at is in the Village so I may as well while I have opportunity!

Unless I'm too tired. We'll see.

Anyhoodles, rambling, off I go, to what I should be doing, which is work.....engh.....

oh life is ironic sometimes

So I got down to see my Grannie. I cried, naturally. Met her doctor, half of her brain is dead, it's better that she go, she never wanted to live like that, she, like my mother, cousin & sister, was a nurse, and always said she never wanted to live after a stroke.

I'm going to believe that the groaning she did when I talked to her was her communication with me. My sister says she doesn't know. But when I told her it was me, she groaned, when I told her not to hang around and that it was ok to go, she groaned.

And when we told her we were leaving, her good arm whipped out of the bedsheets.

I may go back down tomorrow. If she makes it that long.

And for the ironic part of all of this, in talking to my mother last night on the way home, my sister found out that my other grandmother is going into pallative care today. We had said wouldn't it be ironic if they went on the same day. Yeah.

My grandmothers are battling to make it to the finish line.