choices

A year ago I was on an Air Canada plane, on my way to London. So looking forward to spending my holiday away from my family, away from everything that I disliked about my life.

It ended up not being the most enjoyable visit. Mostly due to the Brit and how much he upset me. I found out when I was over in June that he had a girlfriend at the time, guess that explains his distance. And how much he behaved like a jerk. I knew there had been something up. so I guess that wasn't much of a surprise when he laid it on me.

But the parts of that visit that I remember so vividly, loving the look of the light dusting of snow on the row houses around me, the quaint decorations (not gaudy like alot of them here are), the street markets up in Tottenham, the pubs, the London zoo. Walking around in my shoes & my fall jacket whilst it was -20C here. I loved it over there.

I still do.

And I sit here and wonder at the choices I've made in my life, how I'm sort of stuck here for now, dealing with THE here & now and the fallout that has ensued.

My depression due to my grandmother's death, that was very hard to deal with. I'm still not totally ok, but have learned to deal with it.

I still feel out of place in my life. Like the only thing I really do well is work. And that I do. Regardless of the opinion of my last company. Idiots. I'll blog about that later. I got my final settlement in my account. No fear.

I never got an invitation to my family for Christmas. Nothing. Nada. I asked. But no one called, no one emailed. At times when I've needed my family most, they have often failed me because they have no idea how to deal with me. Or what to say to me. They are perturbed by the things that happen in my life, or have happened, and how I deal with them (this year I didn't deal with anything very well). It comes out as criticism their concern. I've had words with both my sister and my father recently. It was necessary. But I figure it's left a terrible taste in their mouths.

I am not an easy person.

So I'm spending Christmas with someone else's family. Which does leave me feeling a bit messed up. A bit like an outsider (you think I'd be used to that by now).

And alone. I feel so very alone. Sitting here in my new place. Listening to all the families outside my door, having fun. Eating. The smells are to die for.

I haven't eaten anything since a banana this morning. And a few Lindt chocolates. I spent over a grand in the past few days, between replacing my cell phone after the "blackberry meets a cup of coffee" incident, getting a tv (I sold my old one, it was too big, this one is smaller and was very very cheap), a toaster, a hundred and something bucks on groceries, a new set of $600 pots and pans that were 70% off. Actually, I quite needed those.

I wish I could feel nothing like I did during the summer & in the fall, at the height of my depression. Right now I feel everything. Every ounce of hurt that is out there, I feel.

Doesn't help that super bunny Tao died the other day. In my arms. After a seizure. I am devastated. He was my favorite. I loved him so much.

I can't wait to see the end of 2010. I'm sure there will still be fallout in 2011, but I hope and pray that it's nothing like this year has been. I have lost more than any of you will ever know, because amazingly, what you read isn't the half of it. It's been a devastating year. In the words of my counsellor "it's a miracle you didn't collapse completely".

I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I'm all about owning what hand I had in some of the bad things, perpetuating them, making them worse than they could have been, but the counsellor said I had nothing inside me with which to deal with them.

Life is so complicated.

And this entry is so willy nilly.

There's something wrong about sitting with tears streaming down your face on Christmas Eve, isn't there?

But at least I can cry again.