status quo

So....I'm much less miserable. But I'm no less sad.

I'm not liking the way my life is behaving. At all. And all the changes I'm trying to make are either taking too long or being beaten into submission by circumstances.

Again. I'm watching people pair up. In my private & online life. I am avoiding reading some blogs. Hiding people on Facebook because they're much too happy for me to read. The holidays are approaching. It looks like a) I'll be stuck here and b) it'll be holiday season #10 alone. Not sure I'm going to survive. I feel so....lonely......

That probably accounts for 80% of both of these things.

I'm finding solace in my photography. And not really much else. Daydreaming about being over there and how I will live my life. My different life. My new life. Now if the job would just sort itself, and the house go away.

Smiling is still pretty hard work. But the psych says this is all normal normal normal normal. Fear, bereavement....all normal.

I just don't feel normal, but I guess that's no suprise, I never have anyway.