a smaller head

So. Went to the head shrinker this evening.

Situational depression, totally normal under the circumstances or so she says, this year and all it's brought with it.

She finds it interesting that in circumstances where I'm beholden to someone else, as in, I've made a commitment, so photography, work, friends, I can get myself motivated to get up off the sofa. But circumstances where the motivation needs to be gotten to do something for myself (like cook, do my laundry, clean the house, pay my bills, take care of life in general), I'm unable.

The being able to do it for others is learned from past therapy. Anti-depressants are a problem for me, I can't take them because they do other things to me that aren't good, so I had to learn. And I learned it well. And I'm capable.

As long as it's for someone else and not for myself.

She said it sounds to her, like I'm almost not trying to get myself overseas. But we figured that one out. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the big change. I want to do it, but I'm terrified.

I now feel like I'm all alone in the world because the one person that stood by me, had my back, was there whenever I needed her is gone. My friends can only do so much, mostly because I'll only let them in so far. Grannie was there from the beginning of my life, knew what I went thru as a child, knew why I was the way I was, knew how to get around it. She knew what made me tick. And now I don't have anyone that understands me and my complex personality at all.

And I feel alone.

Which she says is understandable.

She thinks that the stressor of the house being gone and off my back will open up my mind and relieve the huge burden that I've been carrying on my back since about a year ago. It needs to be done in the next 2 months, I've given myself that deadline, November 1st it will be signed over to someone else and who knows where the hell I'll live at that point, but hopefully I can get the England thing to align itself.

We can always hope.

I cried from the moment I walked in there to the moment I left. Still haven't entirely stopped. I don't like crying in public, I don't like people acknowledging me being upset, particularly in person. I've held alot of this in for about a year. Except when I'm alone.

Or venting on this blog. Which seems to be an issue for some people.

We didn't get into how I'm supposed to deal with this feeling of being alone now. I'm hoping she can give me some sort of insight.

I felt a bit clearer about things. Clear as mud. I suppose it'll get better as it goes on.

One of the last things she asked me was if I'm happy with my life. I can honestly say no.