no pain no gain?

Ok so if I thought I was a numb disaster before, well, the past week's little gifts have made sure that I really am a completely numb disaster now.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't that close to Grandma, not like Grannie, but I watched her die, as I held her hand, alone in her room at the palliative care, she started to die, her hands changed color as they do, her breathing slowed, she knew my sister and I had gotten there, and within the space of a 1/2 hour from our arrival, she was gone. I started to panic she would die with only me in the room, my dad (her son) wasn't there, but I didn't want to let go of her hand in case she did go, didn't want her to do it alone, she didn't seem as though that's what she wanted. Thankfully, my sister came in the room, looked at my face as I croaked out "her breathing has slowed" and she called the rest of my family into the room. She breathed her last breath with everyone she cared about around her.

Waking up to a dead rabbit, one of my favorite pets, beside me in bed wasn't pleasant either. Considering I was trying to get some sleep, Tao just wouldn't leave me alone, he was spinning in circles going insane, and I couldn't get rid of him. He was upset. Rabbits understand death and mourn. His girlfriend had died overnight. I started to bawl, which freaked him out even more, not just cry, but straight out wailing, such that I never do.

Funeral that day from grandma was fun. Me crying for a rabbit, withdrawing from my family completely, didn't speak to anyone at the funeral other than family members, sister accusing me of being disrespectful to my grandmother (she's dead, how can you be disrespectful), and me wanting to just go home so I could check on my grieving rabbit.

Tao was sitting staring into space when I got home. This rabbit full of energy and vim, just sat and stared into space. Contacted my colleagues at the SPCA to make sure he was going to be ok, was assured as long as he was eating it was fine. He was. He was just pretty much devastated and worrying the crap out of me.

We got a bunner in at the SPCA a week and a half ago, a pretty female Rex, came in with her boyfriend and 2 babies, which were taken away from her as she wasn't producing milk. She was separated from the boyfriend. And she was grieving, doing the same thing as Tao, just staring into space.

So the girls decided that maybe the 2 grieving bunners would make each other happy. So on Sunday, I brought Mae home. They're very interested in each other, they're both much more active, Mae even binkie-ing (a cute little bunny jump, look up "bunny binkie" on Youtube), even though they can't be together completely yet (Mae is going to be sterilized tonight, don't want anymore mourning bunnies).

And then there's me. I'm still mourning Grannie. Semi-mourning Grandma. Mourning Molly. Mourning the Brit. He didn't make any fuss about me deleting him. Never contacted me (it's been just short of a week), and really tells me alot about how much I meant to him, regardless of the lip service I was given. I hadn't deleted him from my MSN, because, truthfully, I never go on it, but happened to go on to talk to a friend in Hong Kong last night, he popped on for probably 3 hours, and never once contacted me.

I have one foot in Canada, the other in the UK. I am so confused about what I want to do, and I am so horribly lonely I can't even tell you. I am always out, always social, and yet, I need that extra that a man might give me because I've been without it for so long. And it's spring. That seems to be affecting me alot.

But I have to be self-aware enough not to get myself into any situations because I'm lonely...because I've been alone for so long, out of desperation. My instincts are generally not too bad when I meet people in person, so I don't entirely worry about that (believe me, I meet many men that give me the complete willies....I know..).

I somehow don't feel that I will ever meet anyone that I actually like and might actually feel the same about me. And I'm well aware it's something I need to be positive about, but I'm not feeling it right now.

The house. Don't go there. I've done enough yelling at people about that. I just feel...stuck. Like I can't move forward. Like I'm in quicksand, and it just won't let me go.

So. Slog ahead. Get 'er done. Etc. I know. I just don't have the energy, desire etc to do any of this right now. And I really need to, I know that...I know I need to get my arse in gear in order to move forward, but I'm thinking that my fear, my hesitancy has to do with the fact that I don't have any idea what I'm moving forward for.

If that makes any sense?