and to clarify

Just wanted to clear a few things up. I tend to whine when I'm confused and I think I've done just that.....

I am first in my life, although this is contrary to my nature, it's something I've learned to do, because I had to. It's also the reason why I've essentially been single for 7 years with only the occasional blip on the road of life, I'm not putting up with shit.

But it also makes me wonder if *I* am what is going wrong, I'm pretty hard, I'm hard to get to know (I think Jann Arden has a line in a song that goes "I'm hard to hold onto" that is me......so I can't sit back and think that men are always at fault.

That being said, I found out something I shouldn't have (my own fault for looking), because I have a hard time trusting people, because of what *I* made up in my own head, because like a bonehead he didn't tell me he was off to a foreign country, so I imagined all sorts of lies/deception which did in fact not happen. I was not his girlfriend. He didn't have to tell me. He admits readily it is however a courtesy he should have extended to me and apologized profusely.

Is he right for me? I am not sure. I'm realizing that perhaps I shun people or keep them from getting close to me in an effort not to get hurt, and also realize he just made some pretty huge decisions in his life in terms of work (as in no longer persuing his previous profession and staying here permanently), so maybe I've been expecting way too much so soon.

Not excusing him behaving like a dolt and not letting me know what's up when he disappeared for a day for the grandfather, just saying...there are 2 sides to every story, and although women everywhere may hate me for this comment, we are NOT always in the right. I have enough male friends, and frankly periodically sympathize with them on that little tidbit. Our insecurities can sweetly fuck up an otherwise good thing.

And I think I do that sometimes.

Don't they say self-realization is the key?

On that note, my silence prompted emails by the tonne last night, which I answered back when I had the time (I never leave an email unanswered I'm afraid, from anyone, even if it's one word).

Is this something for me? I dunno. Am I causing my own heartache? Probably, the things that I create in my imagination you have no idea....

I dunno. So let it ride....(to quote Bachman Cummings from the other night!)

Thank you all by the way :-)