Ok so everyone I know can give me the heights of shit tomorrow, today, whatever it is depending
on the hour.
I emailed him one last time.
And this will be it. I have no idea what the hell. No idea about anything. Guess I've been blown off. Guess his ex came back and he didn't have the heart to tell me.
Anyway, this tune...new one, speaks to me - don't they all?
Where I Was Before
(written by Jim Cuddy & Greg Keelor / performed by Blue Rodeo)
I can't get used to what you told me
You said better brace yourself
There's changes coming in
I wake up to a brand new story
To the clock that's ticking on the shelf
Then let it all begin
Now I know that I'm right here where I was before
Chasing all my ghosts around
Maybe I worry what I will say
Now I'm only 3 hours away
Living in between the pages
Watching the strangers come and go
Just life that's passing by
It all keeps coming down in stages
Only hurts the ones you know
No matter what you try
Oh and now I know that I'm right here where I was before
Chasing songs from town to town
Maybe I'll worry what I will say
Now I'm only 3 hours away
Some things they go too fast
Some times aren't meant to last
Turn away and then they're gone
I wake up to the red sky morning
I pray that the trouble all has passed
Just something that I dreamed
I must have missed all of your warnings
I guess we played too fast
Much closer than it seemed
Oh and now I know that I'm right here where I was before
Making all my plans aone
Maybe I worry what I will say
Now I'm only 3 hours away
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
these tears are making my mascara run!
And so.
Here I sit, crying at a song. Did I not say that for me, lyrics are like poetry? My emotions are very near the surface recently, all that has happened or not for that matter. I'm weepy. Weepy and old on Saturday. Ah ok, not old, but man, sometimes I feel like I'm 80.
Here's what made me cry. I'm a Canadian, which is probably why you don't all know most of these artists, but we have some good ones up here, so note I always include the artist - in case you all want to look them up :-)
Why Don't You Love Me?
(written by Amanda Marshall, Desmond Childs, Eric Bazilian / performed by Amanda Marshall)
Why am I lonely?
You're sitting right here
Why am I talking?
It's like I'm talking to the air
What am I looking for?
That just isn't there
Why am I angry?
How'd it get so bad
And why am I missing
What we
Never really had
Why don't you love me
The way I love you?
Why don't you feel things
As deep as I do?
We've got a fundamental difference
In matters of emotion
But I need to feel you need me
Like a river needs an ocean
Baby why don't you love me?
Who am I kidding babe?
It wasn't meant to be
But you wanted a believer
And I needed to believe
For every wall you built around you
I learned a brand new way to climb
And if I could've been your angel
I would've found a way to fly
I don't understand you
What's it take to make you cry?
And if leaving you don't break you
Then baby what's it matter why?
Here I sit, crying at a song. Did I not say that for me, lyrics are like poetry? My emotions are very near the surface recently, all that has happened or not for that matter. I'm weepy. Weepy and old on Saturday. Ah ok, not old, but man, sometimes I feel like I'm 80.
Here's what made me cry. I'm a Canadian, which is probably why you don't all know most of these artists, but we have some good ones up here, so note I always include the artist - in case you all want to look them up :-)
Why Don't You Love Me?
(written by Amanda Marshall, Desmond Childs, Eric Bazilian / performed by Amanda Marshall)
Why am I lonely?
You're sitting right here
Why am I talking?
It's like I'm talking to the air
What am I looking for?
That just isn't there
Why am I angry?
How'd it get so bad
And why am I missing
What we
Never really had
Why don't you love me
The way I love you?
Why don't you feel things
As deep as I do?
We've got a fundamental difference
In matters of emotion
But I need to feel you need me
Like a river needs an ocean
Baby why don't you love me?
Who am I kidding babe?
It wasn't meant to be
But you wanted a believer
And I needed to believe
For every wall you built around you
I learned a brand new way to climb
And if I could've been your angel
I would've found a way to fly
I don't understand you
What's it take to make you cry?
And if leaving you don't break you
Then baby what's it matter why?
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
dreading the mail is not good
Day 2 of being off. If it hadn't been a day full of hospital trips and to work for paperwork, I would have probably jumped off a cliff. I love my job. How bad is that? And the sick leave has been extended.
So I got mail. Things I had ordered for the guy. See, the guy is a former professional athlete, and I had bought a whole bunch of his cards (sports cards) to frame them for his new business. As a "business warming gift" of sorts. He said he didn't have much from those days, and I figured I would do something nice.
Naturally you don't do something nice for someone that hasn't contacted you in a month, so I guess I own a bunch of his cards. Back in the day, I would have given them to him anyway...but considering I have no idea what the hell is up with him, I believe "fuck him" is the term I would use, in which case he doesn't deserve boo all from me.
I do know that down the line, when he's no longer busy, or finished with his rebound relationship (don't get me wrong, very happy it wasn't me), or has decided not to go back to his ex girlfriend, or has come back from the US - which is another possibility, he will turn up, with a big goofy "sorry", wanting to start up where we left off. Wherever that was. And what will I do? No idea. Guess I'll decide at the time.
So, I'll tuck the cards in a drawer. Pull them out when I want a giggle (a few of them when he was young have particularly bad hair, and gave me a really good giggle when I received them - which is mean, and if I ever have the chance, I'll let him laugh at my photos from the 80s, he can have a guffaw at my John Taylor hair). Or look at the last one, which is the most recent, very recent, the man I remember, and wonder what if.
Is it bad to wonder what if?
As he would say....everything happens for a reason. Just wish I knew what that reason was.
So I got mail. Things I had ordered for the guy. See, the guy is a former professional athlete, and I had bought a whole bunch of his cards (sports cards) to frame them for his new business. As a "business warming gift" of sorts. He said he didn't have much from those days, and I figured I would do something nice.
Naturally you don't do something nice for someone that hasn't contacted you in a month, so I guess I own a bunch of his cards. Back in the day, I would have given them to him anyway...but considering I have no idea what the hell is up with him, I believe "fuck him" is the term I would use, in which case he doesn't deserve boo all from me.
I do know that down the line, when he's no longer busy, or finished with his rebound relationship (don't get me wrong, very happy it wasn't me), or has decided not to go back to his ex girlfriend, or has come back from the US - which is another possibility, he will turn up, with a big goofy "sorry", wanting to start up where we left off. Wherever that was. And what will I do? No idea. Guess I'll decide at the time.
So, I'll tuck the cards in a drawer. Pull them out when I want a giggle (a few of them when he was young have particularly bad hair, and gave me a really good giggle when I received them - which is mean, and if I ever have the chance, I'll let him laugh at my photos from the 80s, he can have a guffaw at my John Taylor hair). Or look at the last one, which is the most recent, very recent, the man I remember, and wonder what if.
Is it bad to wonder what if?
As he would say....everything happens for a reason. Just wish I knew what that reason was.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Day one
This is officially the first day of sick leave. It's about 7:45 am and I'm already going stir crazy.
Work much?
I will have a week and a half of thinking and basically doing nothing. Yay. Forced. How unimpressed am I?
And my company wonders why we spend so much in health care costs? This would be why, forced sick leave.
My plans for the day? Well, I need to do some work. Working on a big project at the moment that I need to get my butt in gear for.
Go *to* work and do a few things. Sign my short term disability paperwork. And then? I have no idea.
And there we go. Geezus.
Work much?
I will have a week and a half of thinking and basically doing nothing. Yay. Forced. How unimpressed am I?
And my company wonders why we spend so much in health care costs? This would be why, forced sick leave.
My plans for the day? Well, I need to do some work. Working on a big project at the moment that I need to get my butt in gear for.
Go *to* work and do a few things. Sign my short term disability paperwork. And then? I have no idea.
And there we go. Geezus.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
People
Sometimes, some days, I get tired of people. I am one of those that will bend over backwards, give my shirt off my back for others. But generally speaking, I don't get anything back in return. I don't expect it, but when *I* am having a rough time, it would be nice if some of what I put out there could be paid back.
This tune made me think of how I feel like that these days. My male and female friends, doesn't really matter which at this point, I'm having a rough time of it, but everyone expects me to be my fun self. And it's just not happening, so everyone has decided that they'll wait til I return to me. I find that pretty hurtful, those I listen to so often and yet nothing is reciprocated.
Where Were You?
(written by Marti Frederiksen, Suzie McNeil, Sean Cotton / performed by Suzie McNeil)
I’ve been sad and lonely for so many nights
Without you to hold me and show me it’s alright
A little understanding isn’t asking for too much
Well you loved me and left me and you never stayed in touch
Now you’re reaching out for something but there’s nothin’ I can do
Where were you to help me through all that emptiness inside?
Where were you, you never knew all those nights you made me cry
Where were you when I was all alone trying to mend this broken heart?
Now suddenly you’ve come back to me
Where were you?
Who are you to call me when you need someone?
And who are you to call me after what you’ve done?
And how can I forget the way you walked out on my love?
Well I could try to forgive you but that might not be enough
Well you broke into my heart and you left without a clue
Where were you to help me through all that emptiness inside?
Where were you, you never knew all those nights you made me cry
Where were you when I was all alone trying to mend this broken heart?
Now suddenly, you’ve come back to see it through
But where were you?
In the middle of the night I would count all the time that you came and left me
I could count so high that I realized that this was never where you wanted to be
When I needed your help you were somewhere else and I never felt so alone
To be with you, I’d be better on my own
I’ve been sad and lonely for too many nights
Where were you to help me through all that emptiness inside?
Where were you, you never knew all those nights you made me cry
Where were you when I was all alone trying to mend this broken heart?
Now suddenly you’ve come back to me, it wasn’t meant to be
And now you’re here to see it through , where were you?
This tune made me think of how I feel like that these days. My male and female friends, doesn't really matter which at this point, I'm having a rough time of it, but everyone expects me to be my fun self. And it's just not happening, so everyone has decided that they'll wait til I return to me. I find that pretty hurtful, those I listen to so often and yet nothing is reciprocated.
Where Were You?
(written by Marti Frederiksen, Suzie McNeil, Sean Cotton / performed by Suzie McNeil)
I’ve been sad and lonely for so many nights
Without you to hold me and show me it’s alright
A little understanding isn’t asking for too much
Well you loved me and left me and you never stayed in touch
Now you’re reaching out for something but there’s nothin’ I can do
Where were you to help me through all that emptiness inside?
Where were you, you never knew all those nights you made me cry
Where were you when I was all alone trying to mend this broken heart?
Now suddenly you’ve come back to me
Where were you?
Who are you to call me when you need someone?
And who are you to call me after what you’ve done?
And how can I forget the way you walked out on my love?
Well I could try to forgive you but that might not be enough
Well you broke into my heart and you left without a clue
Where were you to help me through all that emptiness inside?
Where were you, you never knew all those nights you made me cry
Where were you when I was all alone trying to mend this broken heart?
Now suddenly, you’ve come back to see it through
But where were you?
In the middle of the night I would count all the time that you came and left me
I could count so high that I realized that this was never where you wanted to be
When I needed your help you were somewhere else and I never felt so alone
To be with you, I’d be better on my own
I’ve been sad and lonely for too many nights
Where were you to help me through all that emptiness inside?
Where were you, you never knew all those nights you made me cry
Where were you when I was all alone trying to mend this broken heart?
Now suddenly you’ve come back to me, it wasn’t meant to be
And now you’re here to see it through , where were you?
Saturday, February 23, 2008
You know you're down when
It's beautiful outside. Gorgeous. Sunny, warm (finally...I am so tired of the cold - it's been something else up here recently).
And I'm holed up in the house.
Not crying, not totally depressed, but I did sleep the morning away (it's gone!) and other than perhaps groceries, I have no desire to do anything or go anywhere. I know I'll force myself later tonight, but right here, right now, I don't want to leave the sunny living room and my puppers. Ok, I'd like to go skating, but that sweet fractured tailbone keeps me from doing that. How much would falling on that hurt huh?
Some say, I sound depressed and I sound like a hermit. I admit they could be right.
Sigh. Why does it seem that it's so very difficult to be me on occasion?
Don't get me wrong I know there are those that are in much worse positions than I am and that there are a million things worse than those that have happened to me recently, I know this, I really do. Just sometimes it seems that it all happens at once, god forbid that I should experience a period of normalcy.
Then again, what IS normal?
And I'm holed up in the house.
Not crying, not totally depressed, but I did sleep the morning away (it's gone!) and other than perhaps groceries, I have no desire to do anything or go anywhere. I know I'll force myself later tonight, but right here, right now, I don't want to leave the sunny living room and my puppers. Ok, I'd like to go skating, but that sweet fractured tailbone keeps me from doing that. How much would falling on that hurt huh?
Some say, I sound depressed and I sound like a hermit. I admit they could be right.
Sigh. Why does it seem that it's so very difficult to be me on occasion?
Don't get me wrong I know there are those that are in much worse positions than I am and that there are a million things worse than those that have happened to me recently, I know this, I really do. Just sometimes it seems that it all happens at once, god forbid that I should experience a period of normalcy.
Then again, what IS normal?
It's Friday!
Friday night. Was out. Came home when the slow dancing started.
Feeling alone again. Which I hate. Because I hate admitting that weakness in me. Such a horrible little bit of me that I loathe.
One week today til my 39th. Still alone. Year eight. But no one knows it bothers me. If anyone read this blog, I think they'd be completely shocked at how needy I seem. Which generally I'm not.
The dog, the guy, and this week I fractured my tailbone. I'm good. So very good.
Going to grab a dog and head to bed, and try not to cry. Cry for my dog. Cry for what might have been. Cry because my body hurts.
Just cry.
Let's hope it makes me feel better.
Feeling alone again. Which I hate. Because I hate admitting that weakness in me. Such a horrible little bit of me that I loathe.
One week today til my 39th. Still alone. Year eight. But no one knows it bothers me. If anyone read this blog, I think they'd be completely shocked at how needy I seem. Which generally I'm not.
The dog, the guy, and this week I fractured my tailbone. I'm good. So very good.
Going to grab a dog and head to bed, and try not to cry. Cry for my dog. Cry for what might have been. Cry because my body hurts.
Just cry.
Let's hope it makes me feel better.
Monday, February 18, 2008
They call me the fool
Some say I'm hanging on. I don't think that's the case. I really think that it's a case of the "I can't want to's" more than anything else. I just can't be bothered to pick it up and move on at this point. No one interests me, people keep trying to push me. I don't understand, and I guess at this point I'd like to understand (at some point I won't give a shit, but right now I still do). I keep being told to forget it, it's gone, it's done, and I know that if someone can't contact you for a while, there is a definite problem. But I usually know. There's usually screaming "feelings" and there are none (other than the obvious).
This tune made me think of me. Although, I'm not sitting around waiting. I'm going out. I'm doing things. I'm meeting new people. Same old same old. I just sort of feel like my heart is elsewhere....and I'd like that not to be the case.
Call Me A Fool
(performed by Doc Walker)
Oh girl I don't know what to say
I feel you love me less each day
You seem so far away
There's not a kiss that's strong enough
I could give to keep your love
And change your mind to stay
So you packed your bags and said you need a break
And you left me here to wait
Said you might come back someday
So I'm holding on in spite of what they say
They said man she's gone and only a fool would wait
Then call me a fool cause I'm a fool
I've no where else to be and nothing left to do
Call me a fool cause I'm a fool
There's no where I'd rather be than waiting here for you
So call me a fool
Oh girl the time goes by so slow
Just starin' at the door
Hoping you'll walk through
So if I hang on long enough
Would I be worth your love?
Cause it's something I could do
I'm just holdin on in spite of what they say
They said man she's gone and only a fool would wait
Then call me a fool
Still holdin on in spite of what they say
They said man she's gone and only a fool would wait
This tune made me think of me. Although, I'm not sitting around waiting. I'm going out. I'm doing things. I'm meeting new people. Same old same old. I just sort of feel like my heart is elsewhere....and I'd like that not to be the case.
Call Me A Fool
(performed by Doc Walker)
Oh girl I don't know what to say
I feel you love me less each day
You seem so far away
There's not a kiss that's strong enough
I could give to keep your love
And change your mind to stay
So you packed your bags and said you need a break
And you left me here to wait
Said you might come back someday
So I'm holding on in spite of what they say
They said man she's gone and only a fool would wait
Then call me a fool cause I'm a fool
I've no where else to be and nothing left to do
Call me a fool cause I'm a fool
There's no where I'd rather be than waiting here for you
So call me a fool
Oh girl the time goes by so slow
Just starin' at the door
Hoping you'll walk through
So if I hang on long enough
Would I be worth your love?
Cause it's something I could do
I'm just holdin on in spite of what they say
They said man she's gone and only a fool would wait
Then call me a fool
Still holdin on in spite of what they say
They said man she's gone and only a fool would wait
love
I guess I'm depressed.
Ya think?
Love Is Blindness
(written by U2 / preformed by The Devlins)
Love is blindness
I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night
Around me
Take my heart
Love is blindness
In a parked car
In a crowded street
You see your love
Made complete
Thread is ripping
The knot is slipping
Love is blindness
Love is clockworks
And cold steel
Fingers too numb to feel
Squeeze the handle
Blow out the candle
Love is blindness
Love is blindness
I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night
Around me
Oh my love
Blindness
A little death
Without mourning
No call
And no warning
Baby...a dangerous idea
That almost makes sense
Love is drowning
In a deep well
All the secrets
And no one to tell
Take the money
Honey
Blindness
Love is blindness
I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night
Around me
Oh my love
Blindness.
Ya think?
Love Is Blindness
(written by U2 / preformed by The Devlins)
Love is blindness
I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night
Around me
Take my heart
Love is blindness
In a parked car
In a crowded street
You see your love
Made complete
Thread is ripping
The knot is slipping
Love is blindness
Love is clockworks
And cold steel
Fingers too numb to feel
Squeeze the handle
Blow out the candle
Love is blindness
Love is blindness
I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night
Around me
Oh my love
Blindness
A little death
Without mourning
No call
And no warning
Baby...a dangerous idea
That almost makes sense
Love is drowning
In a deep well
All the secrets
And no one to tell
Take the money
Honey
Blindness
Love is blindness
I don't want to see
Won't you wrap the night
Around me
Oh my love
Blindness.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Tired
Think I'm a bit depressed. No kidding. I think this past week has been deserved of feeling less than wonderful.
Been forcing myself to go out. I need to. I can't sit at home and wallow all the time. But then again, I'm not much in the mood to do anything at all and it apparently shows.
I know most people wonder what exactly my deal is, being upset about a dog. But she was a best friend, always there when I needed her. She's no longer around to sing with me when I practice, wake me up in the morning because she needed to pee, remind me to feed her. The boys are just not the same, they didn't have the same needs, and they were so young when I got them, that they weren't as grateful as she was for the adoptive home. She had been found wandering the woods, probably at age 11 or 12, shuffled from one adoption group to another until I got her, badly healed broken ribs, someone put cigarettes out on her back. She was a sweet sweet dog.
And a big pain in the butt, but that's ok. She was old, and she deserved love. And she got love, although she was picky about when she got it.
And so I'm depressed.
The guy didn't help either. I really didn't think that he would do something like this. Just disappear. As I've alluded to earlier, there are certain things that make me wonder about his disappearance, which I won't go into, but they also make it sort of strange. Someone asked me if I thought he'd had an accident. I have no idea. I can't say. Maybe? He gave me his parent's phone number, I could call, but if there is nothing wrong, I'll look like a stalking idiot.
So I sit and wonder. And wonder. And wonder.
Everything keeps reminding me of him. A country singer we bonded over comes on the radio, and then a hockey team I associate with him is on the tv shortly thereafter. Cosmic joke, irony, whatever, just makes me sit and wonder why.
And then I think, fuck him.
We'll just leave it at that.
Been forcing myself to go out. I need to. I can't sit at home and wallow all the time. But then again, I'm not much in the mood to do anything at all and it apparently shows.
I know most people wonder what exactly my deal is, being upset about a dog. But she was a best friend, always there when I needed her. She's no longer around to sing with me when I practice, wake me up in the morning because she needed to pee, remind me to feed her. The boys are just not the same, they didn't have the same needs, and they were so young when I got them, that they weren't as grateful as she was for the adoptive home. She had been found wandering the woods, probably at age 11 or 12, shuffled from one adoption group to another until I got her, badly healed broken ribs, someone put cigarettes out on her back. She was a sweet sweet dog.
And a big pain in the butt, but that's ok. She was old, and she deserved love. And she got love, although she was picky about when she got it.
And so I'm depressed.
The guy didn't help either. I really didn't think that he would do something like this. Just disappear. As I've alluded to earlier, there are certain things that make me wonder about his disappearance, which I won't go into, but they also make it sort of strange. Someone asked me if I thought he'd had an accident. I have no idea. I can't say. Maybe? He gave me his parent's phone number, I could call, but if there is nothing wrong, I'll look like a stalking idiot.
So I sit and wonder. And wonder. And wonder.
Everything keeps reminding me of him. A country singer we bonded over comes on the radio, and then a hockey team I associate with him is on the tv shortly thereafter. Cosmic joke, irony, whatever, just makes me sit and wonder why.
And then I think, fuck him.
We'll just leave it at that.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Just when I thought it was bad...
Things got worse yesterday.
I have 4 little dogs. Had. I got home from work last night, and my 3 male dogs (they're all the same breed, all 4 of them) had attacked my 16 year old dog. Badly. I think she waited for me in the pool of blood on the dining room floor to come and rescue her. I have no idea how she got there, she resided on the sofa always, and wasn't able to move much anymore, being a Dachshund, her back was terrible, I carried her everywhere. And I don't know why they did it, although I suspect she was sick and they knew it (probably cancer, it's always cancer).
I rushed her to the hospital when I realized how bad the bites were and put her to sleep in my arms. Poor thing, my girlfriend rode in the passenger seat holding her, and she had to be able to see me the whole way. And when the vet catheterized her and they brought her back so she could go in my arms, she looked at me lovingly the whole time.
Boy do I feel guilty. And horrible. And very very very alone.
The remaining 3 are confused. Although I now call them the Killers...they are just dogs. I forget they are, and it was probably an instinct, it's not their fault. They either alternate from crying for her to looking everywhere for her.
I keep pulling out 4 cookies after the walk. I keep putting 4 bowls out for food.
Some days, I feel so alone, I feel like I wish the world would swallow me whole.
To top it all off, I was out tonight, local karaoke. And the couples came out in force. I had to leave. I really really didn't think I would be alone again this year. I was certain something would happen between last fall and now. And it didn't. I met someone I thought was fabulous. And it didn't go anywhere, in fact, I got blown off. Again. Have a plethora of men I don't want breathing down my neck, just can't have the ones I do consider to be good bets, decent men.
There's a lot of losers out there. I've done my time. Never again.
So. Crying again. I can't seem to stop. If it hadn't been for my puppster, I don't think my emotions would be quite so raw.
I miss her.
Enjoy doggie heaven Belly. I love you. I miss you. And I'm sorry.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Believing
I think this sums things up nicely.
I Want to Believe
(by Sass Jordan)
When will I die
When will I marry
Why do I cry for nothing sometimes
Why do I feel like I'm in a hurry
Feels like a race and I'm out of time
Like a lover turning into a friend
Somewhere a heart is getting broken again
How does the whole thing end?
I want to believe in something for real
I want to believe in something I feel
I want to believe it's all that I need
I want to believe
Who will be king and who will be beggar?
When will I have this mystery solved?
Who said a ring could mean love forever
Nothin's for sure except growing old
Will I always be here spinning my wheels
Or does misfortune have a hand in the deal
Is that how my fate is sealed?
I want to believe love has a chance to survive
The dream to be as one
I want to believe in a nurturing love
And not just a sacrifice
Where is my home and where am I going?
When will I know and how will I know?
I had a lover who turned into a friend
I had a heart but it got broken again
And I don't know if it ever will mend
Is this how the whole thing ends
I Want to Believe
(by Sass Jordan)
When will I die
When will I marry
Why do I cry for nothing sometimes
Why do I feel like I'm in a hurry
Feels like a race and I'm out of time
Like a lover turning into a friend
Somewhere a heart is getting broken again
How does the whole thing end?
I want to believe in something for real
I want to believe in something I feel
I want to believe it's all that I need
I want to believe
Who will be king and who will be beggar?
When will I have this mystery solved?
Who said a ring could mean love forever
Nothin's for sure except growing old
Will I always be here spinning my wheels
Or does misfortune have a hand in the deal
Is that how my fate is sealed?
I want to believe love has a chance to survive
The dream to be as one
I want to believe in a nurturing love
And not just a sacrifice
Where is my home and where am I going?
When will I know and how will I know?
I had a lover who turned into a friend
I had a heart but it got broken again
And I don't know if it ever will mend
Is this how the whole thing ends
is it over yet?
I hold so little regard for relationships, men, anything related to it, these days that is. I've had enough of waiting, wishing, hoping, although these have all been done pretty much covertly, under the banner of the life I attempt to live alone.
Don't let them see you sweat right?
This last thing...I wasn't looking for it, I didn't ask for it, and it appeared. And then it disappeared.
And I seriously wonder what it was all about considering that, for once, it was someone that might actually and seriously interested me. I really felt he was also interested. I'm usually pretty good at being able to tell these things.
Cosmic joke I guess, because he's gone.
And to top it all off, tomorrow is the day that cupid must die.
I have all these little fantasies in my mind, things that he would/should do. And frankly, I am well aware that none of them will happen. Actually I would pretty much die on the spot if I even heard from him.
Is it bad that I've pretty much resigned myself to the idea that I will be single forever? I'm 39 in half a month. I was separated 8 years ago and haven't had anything that has lasted over a few months happen since. I seriously am of the mind that nothing will happen for me.
And don't try to tell me my attitude won't help me. I have tried. Lord have I tried to keep it positive and upbeat. And every time there is an inkling, just a squidge, I think to myself "maybe this is finally it?" and get slapped in the face each and every time.
I think even the most positive person would give up eventually. I know I'm at give up now.
Don't let them see you sweat right?
This last thing...I wasn't looking for it, I didn't ask for it, and it appeared. And then it disappeared.
And I seriously wonder what it was all about considering that, for once, it was someone that might actually and seriously interested me. I really felt he was also interested. I'm usually pretty good at being able to tell these things.
Cosmic joke I guess, because he's gone.
And to top it all off, tomorrow is the day that cupid must die.
I have all these little fantasies in my mind, things that he would/should do. And frankly, I am well aware that none of them will happen. Actually I would pretty much die on the spot if I even heard from him.
Is it bad that I've pretty much resigned myself to the idea that I will be single forever? I'm 39 in half a month. I was separated 8 years ago and haven't had anything that has lasted over a few months happen since. I seriously am of the mind that nothing will happen for me.
And don't try to tell me my attitude won't help me. I have tried. Lord have I tried to keep it positive and upbeat. And every time there is an inkling, just a squidge, I think to myself "maybe this is finally it?" and get slapped in the face each and every time.
I think even the most positive person would give up eventually. I know I'm at give up now.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Two for the price of one
Two that stuck out to me today. My my, my migraine has run me into quite the depressive and "feel sorry for me" state. If I wasn't at work, I'll end up wallowing!
Out Of My Mind
(written by Kristyn Osborn & John Shanks/performed by SheDaisy)
I live on caffeine, Camus
Eagles and airplanes
I decorate my lies with butterflies
That glimmer in the shimmering rain
They say you can't lose 'em all
But I'll sure give it a shot
I want more than enough
Yeah, I want moreI want more than enough
When enough is all I got
The truth is so unkind
But I'm good when I'm out of sight
Best when I'm out of my mind
I don't know what you'll find
But I'm good when I'm out of sight
Best when I'm outta my mind
I'm afraid of fallin' upwards
I'm afraid of my own age
I'm a paragon with an apron on
And I'm beautiful on an empty page
Buried in a dresser drawer
Is a rusted, ravaged heart
And the piercing regrets
Yeah, they pierce me
All the piercing regrets
And false starts
The truth is so unkind
But I'm good when I'm out of sight
Best when I'm out of my mind
I don't know what you'll find
But I'm good when I'm out of sight
Best when I'm out of my mind
I can be as strong as Morphine
I can lay my head down where I kneel
Sometimes I need a broken bone
To remind me how to feel
The truth is so unkind
But I'm good when I'm out of sight
Best when I'm out of my mind
I don't know what you'll find
But I'm good when I'm out of sight
Best when I'm out of my mind
Wonderful
(written & performed by Chantal Kreviazuk)
I'm alone is this life, and these old jeans are too tight
and now I can't pick my feet off the floor
I try to laugh but I cry
my dignity is undignified, guess I'm really on my own
love is like a little boy, no I'm not paranoid
but I'm on to you, yeah yeah
well I'm not seventeen and I don't want to be
so why am I hiding
Is it too late to call you on the phone
too late to tell you I'm alone
I want to wake you from another lonely night
too late to wonder where you are
too late to hold you in my arms
cause if you're looking for wonderful
I'm wonderful
I'm a very simple girl
and I don't fit into this world, the city lights leave me in a daze
and even though we've never met, you know what I'm trying to forget
somethings you can't change
Is it too late to call you on the phone
too late to tell you I'm alone
I want to wake you from another lonely night
too late to wonder where you are
too late to hold you in my arms
cause if you're looking for wonderful
I'm wonderful
I'm underneath
underneath
I'm underneath I'm underneath
Out Of My Mind
(written by Kristyn Osborn & John Shanks/performed by SheDaisy)
I live on caffeine, Camus
Eagles and airplanes
I decorate my lies with butterflies
That glimmer in the shimmering rain
They say you can't lose 'em all
But I'll sure give it a shot
I want more than enough
Yeah, I want moreI want more than enough
When enough is all I got
The truth is so unkind
But I'm good when I'm out of sight
Best when I'm out of my mind
I don't know what you'll find
But I'm good when I'm out of sight
Best when I'm outta my mind
I'm afraid of fallin' upwards
I'm afraid of my own age
I'm a paragon with an apron on
And I'm beautiful on an empty page
Buried in a dresser drawer
Is a rusted, ravaged heart
And the piercing regrets
Yeah, they pierce me
All the piercing regrets
And false starts
The truth is so unkind
But I'm good when I'm out of sight
Best when I'm out of my mind
I don't know what you'll find
But I'm good when I'm out of sight
Best when I'm out of my mind
I can be as strong as Morphine
I can lay my head down where I kneel
Sometimes I need a broken bone
To remind me how to feel
The truth is so unkind
But I'm good when I'm out of sight
Best when I'm out of my mind
I don't know what you'll find
But I'm good when I'm out of sight
Best when I'm out of my mind
Wonderful
(written & performed by Chantal Kreviazuk)
I'm alone is this life, and these old jeans are too tight
and now I can't pick my feet off the floor
I try to laugh but I cry
my dignity is undignified, guess I'm really on my own
love is like a little boy, no I'm not paranoid
but I'm on to you, yeah yeah
well I'm not seventeen and I don't want to be
so why am I hiding
Is it too late to call you on the phone
too late to tell you I'm alone
I want to wake you from another lonely night
too late to wonder where you are
too late to hold you in my arms
cause if you're looking for wonderful
I'm wonderful
I'm a very simple girl
and I don't fit into this world, the city lights leave me in a daze
and even though we've never met, you know what I'm trying to forget
somethings you can't change
Is it too late to call you on the phone
too late to tell you I'm alone
I want to wake you from another lonely night
too late to wonder where you are
too late to hold you in my arms
cause if you're looking for wonderful
I'm wonderful
I'm underneath
underneath
I'm underneath I'm underneath
losing
My mind is mushy today due to a migraine....but this song spoke to me for some reason.
Winner at a Losing Game
(written by Gary Levox, Jay Demarcus, Joe Don Rooney / performed by Rascal Flatts)
Baby look here at me, have you ever seen me this way?
I've been fumblin' for words through the tears and the hurt and the pain.
I'm gonna lay it all out on the line tonight,
and I think that it's time to tell this uphill fight goodbye.
Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same?
Tryin' to make somebody care for you, the way I do,
is like trying to catch the rain.
And if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.
I know that baby you're tryin' to find me somewhere inside of you,
but you know you can't lie, girl you can't hide the truth.
Oh no, sometimes two hearts just can't dance to the same beat,
so I'll pack up my things and I'll take what remains of me.
Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same?
Tryin' to make somebody care for you, the way i do,is like tryin' to catch the rain.
And if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.
I know that I'll never be the man that you need or love,
yeah baby, it's killin' me to stand here and see I'm not what you been dreamin' of,
Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same?
Tryin' to make somebody care for you, the way I do,
is like tryin' to catch the rain.
And if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.
Oooooh if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.
ooh I'm tired of losing.
Winner at a Losing Game
(written by Gary Levox, Jay Demarcus, Joe Don Rooney / performed by Rascal Flatts)
Baby look here at me, have you ever seen me this way?
I've been fumblin' for words through the tears and the hurt and the pain.
I'm gonna lay it all out on the line tonight,
and I think that it's time to tell this uphill fight goodbye.
Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same?
Tryin' to make somebody care for you, the way I do,
is like trying to catch the rain.
And if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.
I know that baby you're tryin' to find me somewhere inside of you,
but you know you can't lie, girl you can't hide the truth.
Oh no, sometimes two hearts just can't dance to the same beat,
so I'll pack up my things and I'll take what remains of me.
Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same?
Tryin' to make somebody care for you, the way i do,is like tryin' to catch the rain.
And if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.
I know that I'll never be the man that you need or love,
yeah baby, it's killin' me to stand here and see I'm not what you been dreamin' of,
Have you ever had to love someone that just don't feel the same?
Tryin' to make somebody care for you, the way I do,
is like tryin' to catch the rain.
And if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.
Oooooh if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.
ooh I'm tired of losing.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Negativity
This, will be a rant, I am warning all and sundry.
Just because I see things that are not nice in the world, does not make me negative.
Because I accept that there is bad and that bad things happen, does not make me negative.
That I am occasionally sad, does not make me negative.
I am tired of everyone assuming that my realistic look at life is a negative one. It's not. I just realize that not everything that happens day to day in life is good, or something to be happy about. I am empathetic, I feel for people, I almost feel what they are feeling.
If I read something, if I hear of something, they may depress me. Does this make me negative? I really don't think so. I know not to take on the weight of the world, I try not to, but sometimes it just gets to be too much.
That the guy I'm interested in I haven't heard from in 2 weeks....does it make me negative to miss him, wonder what's going on, and be slightly pissed off? I don't think so.
There is alot going on in his life. Not making excuses. It's the truth. There are a myriad of reasons why I haven't heard from them, and not made up in my own brain. One thing is for sure, it's not because I've been negative.
I am so tired of people trying to find fault with me because essentially, down on the bottom of it, I am actually happy, single or not.
Why is that so damned hard to get?
Just because I see things that are not nice in the world, does not make me negative.
Because I accept that there is bad and that bad things happen, does not make me negative.
That I am occasionally sad, does not make me negative.
I am tired of everyone assuming that my realistic look at life is a negative one. It's not. I just realize that not everything that happens day to day in life is good, or something to be happy about. I am empathetic, I feel for people, I almost feel what they are feeling.
If I read something, if I hear of something, they may depress me. Does this make me negative? I really don't think so. I know not to take on the weight of the world, I try not to, but sometimes it just gets to be too much.
That the guy I'm interested in I haven't heard from in 2 weeks....does it make me negative to miss him, wonder what's going on, and be slightly pissed off? I don't think so.
There is alot going on in his life. Not making excuses. It's the truth. There are a myriad of reasons why I haven't heard from them, and not made up in my own brain. One thing is for sure, it's not because I've been negative.
I am so tired of people trying to find fault with me because essentially, down on the bottom of it, I am actually happy, single or not.
Why is that so damned hard to get?
A reminder
Reminder from a friend to keep this song in mind....and it's oh so true.
Ball is in your court sir.
Strong Enough
(Sheryl Crow)
God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care
When I’m throwing punches in the air
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave
Ball is in your court sir.
Strong Enough
(Sheryl Crow)
God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?
When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care
When I’m throwing punches in the air
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave
Saturday, February 9, 2008
I'm done
So...I am so very done with the whole thing with the dude I met. What's the point? Why am I bothering to even keep him in mind?
Next move is his. He'll be back. They always are. Whether that's what I will want at the time or not is another case.
Colour me pissed off.
Next move is his. He'll be back. They always are. Whether that's what I will want at the time or not is another case.
Colour me pissed off.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Yep...just like I am
It's pretty much all a dream at this point, something that may or may not happen in the future, me having a relationship again. But I love the sentiment of this little tune, and just illustrates to me how I would like to feel or have someone feel about me.
The Way I Am
(Ingrid Michaelson)
The Way I Am
(Ingrid Michaelson)
If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.
Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.
I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.
Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
Hilarity
Is it wrong that I regard the hallowed Valentine's Day as a joke?
You know something? If you can only be nice to each other one day out of the year, or do something nice for each other, your relationship is is worse trouble then you realize.
Longest relationship in recent memory that extended over and into Valentine's was with my ex-husband. Although, obviously, there were problems in our marriage, they didn't extend to showing each other that we care for each other. I am one of those people that buys something for someone I care for, and I just can't wait to give it to them. Christmas gifts? Can't bloody well hold onto 'em for any length of time, I'm famous for giving them early because I'm way too excited about it. Sort of sick.
Anyway, we always bought each other little things, gave each other cards, it was always apparent, and never just one or two days a year.
Personally, these commercial holidays are complete bull. And that's not because I'm currently single, I have always been this way.
You know something? If you can only be nice to each other one day out of the year, or do something nice for each other, your relationship is is worse trouble then you realize.
Longest relationship in recent memory that extended over and into Valentine's was with my ex-husband. Although, obviously, there were problems in our marriage, they didn't extend to showing each other that we care for each other. I am one of those people that buys something for someone I care for, and I just can't wait to give it to them. Christmas gifts? Can't bloody well hold onto 'em for any length of time, I'm famous for giving them early because I'm way too excited about it. Sort of sick.
Anyway, we always bought each other little things, gave each other cards, it was always apparent, and never just one or two days a year.
Personally, these commercial holidays are complete bull. And that's not because I'm currently single, I have always been this way.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Confusion
In keeping with my previous post....this song stuck out to me today...
Although it hasn't gotten to this point, some of the salient points are valid.
Anyone that doesn't know Great Big Sea should really check them out, beautiful vocals...great music from some terrific Newfs!
Clearest Indication
(written by Alan Doyle, Séan McCann, Chris Trapper/performed by Great Big Sea)
You left in the morning
You left without a word
Did you get what you came for
Is this what I deserve?
Oh I know the silence was the loudest thing I ever heard
Where do we stand, what am I supposed to do?
Give me the clearest indication, that I am not alone with you
Reach out your hand, in a world I thought I knew
I need the clearest indication, the clearest indication from you
Did we have all we wanted
And let it slip away in time?
Like a country divided
Fifty-one to forty-nine, years ago
We just can't seem to make up our mind
Times like these its hard to see
With any kind of clarity
What's the point of wondering anymore
So much I just can't figure out
I'd love to know without a doubt for sure, for sure
Although it hasn't gotten to this point, some of the salient points are valid.
Anyone that doesn't know Great Big Sea should really check them out, beautiful vocals...great music from some terrific Newfs!
Clearest Indication
(written by Alan Doyle, Séan McCann, Chris Trapper/performed by Great Big Sea)
You left in the morning
You left without a word
Did you get what you came for
Is this what I deserve?
Oh I know the silence was the loudest thing I ever heard
Where do we stand, what am I supposed to do?
Give me the clearest indication, that I am not alone with you
Reach out your hand, in a world I thought I knew
I need the clearest indication, the clearest indication from you
Did we have all we wanted
And let it slip away in time?
Like a country divided
Fifty-one to forty-nine, years ago
We just can't seem to make up our mind
Times like these its hard to see
With any kind of clarity
What's the point of wondering anymore
So much I just can't figure out
I'd love to know without a doubt for sure, for sure
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
More sap
My soundtrack has recently run to the sappy. I'm not entirely certain why this is. I am single currently, although happily, but I am feeling a bit of an emptiness that generally isn't something I experience.
There's a someone I met. And liked immediately. I'm fairly certain that the feeling was mutual, asking for my phone number and email, making some plans. Got together a few times, kept in contact, me on a business trip for a week, him starting a new business out of town. But recently, all of a sudden, I haven't heard from him. I'm a combination of worried for me and worried for him. I'm not going to go into specifics but there are indicators that he does intend to see me again, and that there is a lot going on right now, new business proposition and all. But I really don't want to spend too much time with that old friend of mine...hope.
I think that possibly, with a few things I've come to realize, that there may be more going on then I thought, as in an ex being much more recent then originally let on.
It's always this way for me. Right guy, wrong time. Which I guess means he's the wrong guy? I've made the mistake in the past of waiting around for others. They weren't the same as this one mind you, as far as I'm concerned he's a good guy, with a good heart, good values, financially secure and savvy, and the fact that he's as handsome as hell doesn't hurt. Most of all, the moment we met, we talked. Talked all night as a matter of fact, two strangers with alot in common. Similar and yet so different.
That's the most important thing to me. Looks are all well and good, a bonus in my opinion, but definitely aren't something I hold in great regard if I can't carry on a conversation with the man. He's smart, he's funny, and most of all, he's a big goofball although he does everything he can to hide it. Sure of himself, yet not at all arrogant.
I have a calm where he is concerned. I don't have any funny feelings about him (and I get those, and am usually right). No red flags. My biggest problem is myself, I often wonder if I push men away. My girlfriend says that I am fiercely independent, which is very true, and that it would take a particularly strong, special man to be able to deal with it. That I give off the attitude that I don't need anyone.
Point is, after my marriage fell apart, I needed to be independent, I needed to take care of myself. Don't kid yourself, I would absolutely love to have someone to depend on, but I had to learn to take care of myself and so now I am self sufficient. I am not going to give up my life for someone that isn't worth my while. I am not desperate to be in a relationship like alot of people I know. If it happens, it happens, it doesn't, it doesn't.
So what do I do? Sit around and just wait for something to happen I guess? I figure he'll resurface when things aren't quite so busy, and I'm a forgiving sort. But what is forgiving and what is being walked all over?
Dunno.
So I continue to be melancholy and listen to my sappy country music. Love it.
There's a someone I met. And liked immediately. I'm fairly certain that the feeling was mutual, asking for my phone number and email, making some plans. Got together a few times, kept in contact, me on a business trip for a week, him starting a new business out of town. But recently, all of a sudden, I haven't heard from him. I'm a combination of worried for me and worried for him. I'm not going to go into specifics but there are indicators that he does intend to see me again, and that there is a lot going on right now, new business proposition and all. But I really don't want to spend too much time with that old friend of mine...hope.
I think that possibly, with a few things I've come to realize, that there may be more going on then I thought, as in an ex being much more recent then originally let on.
It's always this way for me. Right guy, wrong time. Which I guess means he's the wrong guy? I've made the mistake in the past of waiting around for others. They weren't the same as this one mind you, as far as I'm concerned he's a good guy, with a good heart, good values, financially secure and savvy, and the fact that he's as handsome as hell doesn't hurt. Most of all, the moment we met, we talked. Talked all night as a matter of fact, two strangers with alot in common. Similar and yet so different.
That's the most important thing to me. Looks are all well and good, a bonus in my opinion, but definitely aren't something I hold in great regard if I can't carry on a conversation with the man. He's smart, he's funny, and most of all, he's a big goofball although he does everything he can to hide it. Sure of himself, yet not at all arrogant.
I have a calm where he is concerned. I don't have any funny feelings about him (and I get those, and am usually right). No red flags. My biggest problem is myself, I often wonder if I push men away. My girlfriend says that I am fiercely independent, which is very true, and that it would take a particularly strong, special man to be able to deal with it. That I give off the attitude that I don't need anyone.
Point is, after my marriage fell apart, I needed to be independent, I needed to take care of myself. Don't kid yourself, I would absolutely love to have someone to depend on, but I had to learn to take care of myself and so now I am self sufficient. I am not going to give up my life for someone that isn't worth my while. I am not desperate to be in a relationship like alot of people I know. If it happens, it happens, it doesn't, it doesn't.
So what do I do? Sit around and just wait for something to happen I guess? I figure he'll resurface when things aren't quite so busy, and I'm a forgiving sort. But what is forgiving and what is being walked all over?
Dunno.
So I continue to be melancholy and listen to my sappy country music. Love it.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Beautiful?
I'm on a roll now. Geez you have no idea how many tunes I like!
This is a tune that basically sums up how I feel about myself most of the time...not quite everyone's cup of tea, however, I'm beautiful in my own right. Also says a few things about our society and what we allow beautiful people that the rest of us normals don't get.
We all have our moments of feeling inadequate, I'm not different then the next person.
Beautiful
(written by Payne & Slone / peformed by Joydrop)
If I was beautiful like you
Oh the things I would do
Those not so blessed would be crying out murder
And I'd just laugh and get away with it too
Like you do
If I was beautiful like you
I would never be at fault
I'd walk in the rain between the rain drops
Bringing traffic to a halt
But that will never be
That will never never be
Cause I'm not beautiful like you
I'm beautiful like me
Beautiful like me
If I was beautiful like you
I'd be quick to assume
They'd do anything to please me
I know I see the reaction when you walk into a room
But that will never be
That will never never be
Cause I'm not beautiful like you
I'm beautiful like me
Beautiful like me
Beautiful, Beautiful like me
Like me, like me
If I was beautiful like you
I'd have so many friends
Always fighting for my time to be next in line
So if I hurt one I wouldn't have to make amends
That will never be
That will never never be
Cause I'm not beautiful like you
I'm not beautiful like you
I'm not beautiful like you
I'm beautiful like me
Beautiful like me
Beautiful like me
I'm beautiful like me
I'm beautiful like me
This is a tune that basically sums up how I feel about myself most of the time...not quite everyone's cup of tea, however, I'm beautiful in my own right. Also says a few things about our society and what we allow beautiful people that the rest of us normals don't get.
We all have our moments of feeling inadequate, I'm not different then the next person.
Beautiful
(written by Payne & Slone / peformed by Joydrop)
If I was beautiful like you
Oh the things I would do
Those not so blessed would be crying out murder
And I'd just laugh and get away with it too
Like you do
If I was beautiful like you
I would never be at fault
I'd walk in the rain between the rain drops
Bringing traffic to a halt
But that will never be
That will never never be
Cause I'm not beautiful like you
I'm beautiful like me
Beautiful like me
If I was beautiful like you
I'd be quick to assume
They'd do anything to please me
I know I see the reaction when you walk into a room
But that will never be
That will never never be
Cause I'm not beautiful like you
I'm beautiful like me
Beautiful like me
Beautiful, Beautiful like me
Like me, like me
If I was beautiful like you
I'd have so many friends
Always fighting for my time to be next in line
So if I hurt one I wouldn't have to make amends
That will never be
That will never never be
Cause I'm not beautiful like you
I'm not beautiful like you
I'm not beautiful like you
I'm beautiful like me
Beautiful like me
Beautiful like me
I'm beautiful like me
I'm beautiful like me
I know....
I heard this on my way to work this morning. An ex boyfriend a while ago told me that it reminded him of me, big time, each time he heard it. So I guess I seem to people to keep everything inside, try to hide behind my smile.
Guess that's probably correct?
Anyway, reminded me of a relatively happy time. Enjoy
I Know
(Jude)
You've got such a pretty smile
It's a shame the things you hide behind it
Let 'em go
Give it up for a while
Let 'em free and we will both go find it
I know theres nowhere you can hide it
I know the feeling of alone
I know that you do not feel invited
But, come back, come back in from the cold
Tell me how you really feel
Tell me what is on the inside of you
All the somethings you conceal
Only keep away the ones who love you
Step away then from the edge
Your best friend is life is not your mirror
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
I am here and I will be forever
I know theres nowhere you can hide it
I know the feeling of alone
Trust me and don't keep that on the inside
Soon you'll be locked out on your own
You're not alone
You're not alone
And don't say youve never been told
I'll be with you til we grow old
Til I'm in the ground and I'm cold
I'm not sitting up here on some throne
Like a dog you can always come home
Dig up a bone
Look around
Guess that's probably correct?
Anyway, reminded me of a relatively happy time. Enjoy
I Know
(Jude)
You've got such a pretty smile
It's a shame the things you hide behind it
Let 'em go
Give it up for a while
Let 'em free and we will both go find it
I know theres nowhere you can hide it
I know the feeling of alone
I know that you do not feel invited
But, come back, come back in from the cold
Tell me how you really feel
Tell me what is on the inside of you
All the somethings you conceal
Only keep away the ones who love you
Step away then from the edge
Your best friend is life is not your mirror
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
Back away, come away
I am here and I will be forever
I know theres nowhere you can hide it
I know the feeling of alone
Trust me and don't keep that on the inside
Soon you'll be locked out on your own
You're not alone
You're not alone
And don't say youve never been told
I'll be with you til we grow old
Til I'm in the ground and I'm cold
I'm not sitting up here on some throne
Like a dog you can always come home
Dig up a bone
Look around
Monday, February 4, 2008
Melancholy
I've been feeling a bit blue for various reasons recently. The time of year, the weather, various things that I can't totally put my finger on. List of disappointments to go along with the many wonderful things in my life I guess.
This tune made me cry today in the car on my way home (way to go Rodney, cuz I don't just cry for nothing!). Sappy assed today I guess! He's divorced is Rodney, so words are just that, words, but it'd be nice to just once hear a titch of the sentiment.
Making Memories of Us
(written by Rodney Crowell / performed by Keith Urban)
I'm gonna be here for you baby
And I'll be a man of my own word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard
I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
I wanna honor your mother
And I wanna learn from your paw
I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw
And I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better than it's ever been
We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day
Comin' your way
I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now
And I'm gonna make you a promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss
Mmm hummm
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust makin' memories of us
Ohhh
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll win your trust makin memories of us
This tune made me cry today in the car on my way home (way to go Rodney, cuz I don't just cry for nothing!). Sappy assed today I guess! He's divorced is Rodney, so words are just that, words, but it'd be nice to just once hear a titch of the sentiment.
Making Memories of Us
(written by Rodney Crowell / performed by Keith Urban)
I'm gonna be here for you baby
And I'll be a man of my own word
Speak the language in a voice that you have never heard
I wanna sleep with you forever
And I wanna die in your arms
In a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us
I wanna honor your mother
And I wanna learn from your paw
I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw
And I wanna stand out in a crowd for you
A man among men
I wanna make your world better than it's ever been
We'll follow the rainbow
Wherever the four winds blow
And there'll be a new day
Comin' your way
I'm gonna be here for you from now on
This you know somehow
You've been stretched to the limits but it's alright now
And I'm gonna make you a promise
If there's life after this
I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm, wet kiss
Mmm hummm
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust makin' memories of us
Ohhh
And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll win your trust makin memories of us
loss
This song reminds me, reminds me of all the people that have left this life. My Pop Pop, Grandpa, Aunt Flo, Mr W., Aunt Clare, Uncle Bunny, Anne-Marie, Bob, some way too young, others at the end of a long life.
Reminds me of those that I will lose in future, some sooner than later.
All are and will be missed.
Just A Dream
(Griffin House)
I don't think you know how much time I spend
As I wait on my own contemplating ends
I am torn in the middle of a world that won't let loose
I hang here before you, though invisible the noose
I love you if you drink; I love you if you smoke
I love you for the words you stuck inside my throat
I love you for the sin; and the way you turned away
And I'll heal you in the darkness
And I'll hold you to the day
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
And I walk up those steps
Where we used to go at night
And my fingers trace the stairwell
And I am back in time
I just need your warmth to lay with me and find
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
There are days that I go driving, Dad
When the memory gets too strong
So I can go on living to the beauty of our song
I fall in to your rhythm, your beauty I do fly
I rush into your melody, I linger till I die
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
And I've been here with the pain
Since the very first day
I've been swearing in my rage
"Oh Holy Day!"
I sit around, your salvation waits
I'm just getting nervous, babe
As I anticipate
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
Reminds me of those that I will lose in future, some sooner than later.
All are and will be missed.
Just A Dream
(Griffin House)
I don't think you know how much time I spend
As I wait on my own contemplating ends
I am torn in the middle of a world that won't let loose
I hang here before you, though invisible the noose
I love you if you drink; I love you if you smoke
I love you for the words you stuck inside my throat
I love you for the sin; and the way you turned away
And I'll heal you in the darkness
And I'll hold you to the day
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
And I walk up those steps
Where we used to go at night
And my fingers trace the stairwell
And I am back in time
I just need your warmth to lay with me and find
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
There are days that I go driving, Dad
When the memory gets too strong
So I can go on living to the beauty of our song
I fall in to your rhythm, your beauty I do fly
I rush into your melody, I linger till I die
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
And I've been here with the pain
Since the very first day
I've been swearing in my rage
"Oh Holy Day!"
I sit around, your salvation waits
I'm just getting nervous, babe
As I anticipate
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
All you are now is only just a dream
Can you fall down in following me?
The soundtrack
Anyone that knows me really well, knows that I love music, and have it playing at all times.
Not only the music, but the lyrics. The lyrics are what get to me. It's probably because I'm a singer that I pay attention to them. They are poetry in a lot of cases, and just plain cheesy in others. Whether funny or sappy, they illustrate how I'm feeling at a particular moment.
So I think I'll share them with others. Maybe the circumstances under which they extend to a situation or a memory.
I'm a sappy, dreamy sort, just few people know that about me.
Not only the music, but the lyrics. The lyrics are what get to me. It's probably because I'm a singer that I pay attention to them. They are poetry in a lot of cases, and just plain cheesy in others. Whether funny or sappy, they illustrate how I'm feeling at a particular moment.
So I think I'll share them with others. Maybe the circumstances under which they extend to a situation or a memory.
I'm a sappy, dreamy sort, just few people know that about me.
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