bear with me

Seriously.

Ok. I know I told myself this was ridiculous, what was I doing, why am I doing this, how stupid am I??????

Believe me. The amount of self-flagellation. Let's not go there. I'm tired of beating myself up for thinking this could work out. I'm tired of listening to anyone that knows about this (cue my sister) telling me that my thinking of moving and thinking this would work with The Brit etc is insane.

Let's get one thing completely and utterly clear here. I saw the list of office openings back in April. I thought to myself "ohhhh I wonder if I can go to the UK?" back in April. While the whole situation with The Brit is highly convenient, it's not in my reasoning for this possible move. Ok, a teensy bit of it is. A bit of the "what if?". But always always keep in mind the following - I have always wanted to move to the UK.

Everyone, except my sister, but including both The Brit and my dad, see there is no reason why I don't do this. As long as my ducks are all in order.

Um. Yeah. Distance. I understand. There's the issue that we haven't seen each other in 15 years and may not still like each other. Neither of us thinks it to be possible, but it's there, and it might happen. Well, it's not like I'm going to live with the guy. Yes, might live in the same suburb because it seems to be the cheapest place to live, but I'm going there with the idea of renting a house on my own. I'm not moving in with someone that I might not potentially see until November (ok I don't think from conversations that is going to happen, neither of us is particularly happy about the recent events preventing us from seeing each other).

I won't go into details out of respect for The Brit, but we had a good chat today, nice chat, and got a few things straightened out. One of which , the feeling I had that there was a problem, which there is not, and the feeling that this was never going to happen. He assured me that it will eventually, he just needs to get things straightened out with the old job and the new job. Trip to Spain had been planned prior to being made knowledgeable about the layoff, so the timing was very bad in terms of getting himself organized.

And. I'm ok with that.

So in other news, I'm going to an agricultural expo with ladies from the SPCA this weekend at which there will be LINEDANCING classes! (for those not aware, I used to teach line dancing). One of the best Quebec linedance teachers and choreographers, I'm so excited to take a class from him.

You may laugh now.

Then Sunday is the Highland Games, and, well, nothing I like more than accents from over the pond and Men In Kilts, so yowza, let me loose, cuz I need me some caber toss action! Rowr!

I'll see if I can provide some photographic evidence of the cougars hitting on the Men In Kilts. (there's this movie from Canada called Men With Brooms, so we call it Men In Kilts...don't ask)



The Men In Brooms poster.....Paul Gross? HOT. Just sayin' and yes, guess what for those not in the know, Leslie Nielson is a Canadian. And if I did women, I'd lust after Molly Parker (she was in Swingtown which was on one of the big US networks). Check out Deadwood if you ever have the opportunity - it was on HBO and sadly was cancelled before they could end the series......she's in that....






Couple more so you can see the hotness that he is. One from Due South which was on CBS in the 90s for you americans, and just a nice recent one, age has done good things to that man....reer as TD would say.

Apparently I have a type! Dark haired men...with fab smiles...yep.

And that's enough discombobulated crap from me tonight.

I just don't know

I will NOT be having a visitor just yet.

Or maybe ever?

I have no idea.

Job starts in a week and a half, rightly so he doesn't want to travel and rush around, I get that. No problemo.

I just have a bad feeling at the back of my mind, which I can't put a finger on.

As much as it pains me to say, I think I'll be just leaving this one go.

Like I always do, concentrate on me and what I'm doing, and not worry about him or what he's doing, let him figure out why I have disappeared, and we'll just leave it like that.

No surprise on my part. I expected better, but am thinking I won't be getting it.

figures

Haven't spoken to the Brit for any length yet. Tells me tomorrow.

I dunno.

I would have rearranged my stuff to be able to have a convo with him.

Sigh.

More of the usual.

dumb

Delayed flight.

Quick email to say he'd speak to me tomorrow and that he missed me.

Duuh.

I have to stop expecting to be disappointed.

panic

Haven't heard a word.

And I really think that if it was important to him, I would have.

I have a horrible horrible feeling.

maybe crazy.....

So, I'm doing crap around the house. Trying to do some cooking, and trying to do the cleaning, and then I need to tackle the big stuff, room by room.

I'm cleaning-phobic.

I've sold a few things now, I've put my flute up for sale (this is a huge deal, I've avoided it for years, and it's worth alot being a professional instrument). I'm sorting and getting rid....I'm looking at everything as though I *am* moving, I want to simplify. I want to have less crap. I want nothing. It's amazing to me, looking at everything and coming to the realization how little of it really matters to me.

These things I have held onto for years and years and years.

Anyway. That's how my weekend is going.

Can't wait until Monday. The Brit is back and I'm hoping to hear from him. Well, I'm pretty certain I will unless something changed over the past few weeks away. I'm hoping that hasn't happened, and don't feel as though it has.....so fingers crossed!

And I hope to hear from the country manager next week, for the UK. Fingers crossed. Don't know if he already has someone over there in mind.

My stommach is in knots, and yet I'm excited about the prospect.

Back to it.

fear of cleaning

And the countdown begins.

Is it Monday yet? I’ve never looked forward to Monday before now.

Took some stuff to auction yesterday. Put a bunch of things up on Ebay. Lots on Craigslist etc. If nothing else, the prospect of leaving town is making me work towards my goal of less crap.

Who knew that’s all it took? The idea of moving to the UK….wow.

To give you some background, my ex husband moved out of the house 3 years ago after I kicked him out (after I bought him out). He left anything he didn’t want. Which was most of the house. He basically took what was in 1 room of a 7 room house. Left me with everything.

Well, being a single woman with a relatively busy job etc, I have gotten to some of it, but definitely nowhere near everything.

And as a result, I have so much stuff in my house you have no idea.

I have 2 rooms that are purely storage now. It’s ill. It gives me headaches to think about.

In fact, I hate cleaning so it’s daunting and frightening.

I’ve been talking about doing this for so long. Now that I’m thinking of moving elsewhere, the reality hits that I just own too much. I’m not talking furniture, I’m talking purely garbage.

So. You haven’t been hearing me talking about taking many photos because I haven’t. I’m picking my artists sparingly. I need as much $$ as possible for this move, my divorce, my ancestry visa….visits to the UK as needed etc, that I can’t be spending anything (or much). I need to take care of my debts here. Figure out how to rent my house out and who will take care of it for me. Which pets can come with me and which can’t (I pretty much know the small rodents can’t and neither can the turtles).

All of this in the possibility that my company hires me over in the UK. Irregardless of The Brit and whatever happens with him, I think I actually might want to do this.

Am I crazy?