rambling post of annoyance

No people. You don't know what goes on in my head.

The 2 sides of me. One wants a man in her life, a companion of the opposite sex. The other thinks that I forget what it was like and it'll be too much of a pain in the ass as it's been in the past.

I don't like dating. So truthfully, recently I haven't bothered. A friend was all gung ho about fixing me up with someone she knows, but that seems to have fallen through for whatever reason....and truthfully, that's about as much dating related stuff as I can manage, or really want right now. Although there is some brief communication between he and I, it's not something I can do on my own, and frankly, I won't. No more running after men who are disinterested or unavailable. And that I've never even met, I mean, that's supposed to be the whole purpose of fixing people up, isn't it?

I have no interest in the dating sites, I have no interest in dating services/speed dating I just figure that the more I chase after something the further away it will get.

A friend says that I am wishing something never happens with a man with my attitude and that I just don't realize it. Except, I think that she and I have a different idea of what what we want in a man. What she has for the most part I would find smothering. That doesn't mean that I want nothing. It doesn't mean I don't want someone to love and love me, it just means my criteria are different from hers. And that I really really really don't need someone in my life.

Because believe me, if I needed someone, they would be here. They would be completely and utterly wrong for me, and I'd probably be miserable, but I wouldn't be alone.

I'm not prepared to give in to that trade off.

So. I've been single for 7 years. And sometimes don't feel that will ever change, but am truthfully, really much more thankful for my life the way it is alone then miserable with the wrong guy.

When I watch my attached friends, I know that's it's not all perfection and there is so much that can be messed up. Even in the seemingly good relationships there is dysfunction. Do those people see it? Some do, some don't....I prefer being self aware enough to know that just plain being in a relationship is not enough to counteract possibly being miserable.

I'm trying to live now. And not look to the future. I have the past down pat. It's the past. Period. Gone, over with, no use crying over spilled milk and ruining my current life. No, I'm not always the happiest I could be. But I also no longer feel unhappy, and that's a huge improvement over, say, last year at this time.

I'm good with that.