let's say goodbye to this godforsaken year

Anyone who actually knows me or has been reading knows how bad a year I've had. Well, some know more than others.

Deaths of important family members & pets, relationship death, insurance issues, house issues, work stress, friend stress, depression, financial issues, job problems.....it's been a peach. A juicy, stressful, peach.

So I am very glad to see the end of 2010. Oh yes I am.

So, a friend who has been very depressed lately is being taken by me to see a comedy show tomorrow night. They have the whole "finger food & champagne" thing as well as dancing after, not sure we'll hang around for that, but, my thought on the subject is that there will be no way better than to bring in the year, but by laughing. It's a much better option than last year's cry fest (even though it did occur in London UK!). And she can't afford it so it's my gift to her for being there for me this year. We're going to have a blast.

And I can stare at a little crush of mine, dude that flirted heavily with me when I met a friend at a martini bar downtown where I met a friend again for a comedy show. He was the host of the show, hot as hell, all blonde & blue eyed and tall, and I had made some sort of correction to something he said (god I'm right gobby bitch) and he came to talk (flirt) with me afterwards. Turns out we have friends in common, I'm also shooting comedy shows here and there so I added him on Facebook (almost typed Faceboob there), so I could go see him again maybe because he's funny. Which is how I found out about this comedy evening. See, it all makes sense!

Anyway. Move is almost done. Almost. I hope. Puhleeze???? geezus this is taking forever.

So, the Christmas fall-out has begun.

My dad was bored at work and Googled me. My twitter feed came up. Which is fine, I don't hide in anything except this blog.

Except that I had said that I heard from none of my family about Xmas, I hadn't been invited.

He texted me asking why I said that, that they assume I'm going and that I'm expected there like everyone else. Well, I responded back because it was true. It is true. My sisters and my parents make plans and don't bother to inform me. I don't know if it's because they don't think, because my input doesn't matter as I'm single and therefore should just be able to do whatever everyone else wants me to, or that they just don't care, but they didn't inform me.

I had to ask my sister where it was. I can't drive back from Ottawa by myself, it's not possible, I fell asleep last time I did it alone, so I opt out of going to my other sister's place.

But the fact remains, I'm not a mind reader, how the hell am I supposed to know if no one tells me?

+++++++++++++++

In other news, I made it through Christmas day with very little issue. My friend came over for brunch, I cooked, we had a blast, a great chat, it was really very nice and I so miss that sort of thing.

I cooked all afternoon and then went to her family for Christmas. I know her whole family, so it was great, it's not my family, the things that irritate you about your own, of course are no issue to me.

Got my one and only gift there, one of those reed diffusers, I love those things...ocean smell...yummy.

+++++

So I'm cooking pea soup. Going to go back to the house (it's STILL not done) and then a jam night I don't feel like attending afterwards.

These are the days I force myself.

++++

In other news I'm going skiing with a friend probably next week. Really looking forward to it. First off I get to see him, secondly, we're going x country skiing. Yey.


Ok end of bla bla bla.

choices

A year ago I was on an Air Canada plane, on my way to London. So looking forward to spending my holiday away from my family, away from everything that I disliked about my life.

It ended up not being the most enjoyable visit. Mostly due to the Brit and how much he upset me. I found out when I was over in June that he had a girlfriend at the time, guess that explains his distance. And how much he behaved like a jerk. I knew there had been something up. so I guess that wasn't much of a surprise when he laid it on me.

But the parts of that visit that I remember so vividly, loving the look of the light dusting of snow on the row houses around me, the quaint decorations (not gaudy like alot of them here are), the street markets up in Tottenham, the pubs, the London zoo. Walking around in my shoes & my fall jacket whilst it was -20C here. I loved it over there.

I still do.

And I sit here and wonder at the choices I've made in my life, how I'm sort of stuck here for now, dealing with THE here & now and the fallout that has ensued.

My depression due to my grandmother's death, that was very hard to deal with. I'm still not totally ok, but have learned to deal with it.

I still feel out of place in my life. Like the only thing I really do well is work. And that I do. Regardless of the opinion of my last company. Idiots. I'll blog about that later. I got my final settlement in my account. No fear.

I never got an invitation to my family for Christmas. Nothing. Nada. I asked. But no one called, no one emailed. At times when I've needed my family most, they have often failed me because they have no idea how to deal with me. Or what to say to me. They are perturbed by the things that happen in my life, or have happened, and how I deal with them (this year I didn't deal with anything very well). It comes out as criticism their concern. I've had words with both my sister and my father recently. It was necessary. But I figure it's left a terrible taste in their mouths.

I am not an easy person.

So I'm spending Christmas with someone else's family. Which does leave me feeling a bit messed up. A bit like an outsider (you think I'd be used to that by now).

And alone. I feel so very alone. Sitting here in my new place. Listening to all the families outside my door, having fun. Eating. The smells are to die for.

I haven't eaten anything since a banana this morning. And a few Lindt chocolates. I spent over a grand in the past few days, between replacing my cell phone after the "blackberry meets a cup of coffee" incident, getting a tv (I sold my old one, it was too big, this one is smaller and was very very cheap), a toaster, a hundred and something bucks on groceries, a new set of $600 pots and pans that were 70% off. Actually, I quite needed those.

I wish I could feel nothing like I did during the summer & in the fall, at the height of my depression. Right now I feel everything. Every ounce of hurt that is out there, I feel.

Doesn't help that super bunny Tao died the other day. In my arms. After a seizure. I am devastated. He was my favorite. I loved him so much.

I can't wait to see the end of 2010. I'm sure there will still be fallout in 2011, but I hope and pray that it's nothing like this year has been. I have lost more than any of you will ever know, because amazingly, what you read isn't the half of it. It's been a devastating year. In the words of my counsellor "it's a miracle you didn't collapse completely".

I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I'm all about owning what hand I had in some of the bad things, perpetuating them, making them worse than they could have been, but the counsellor said I had nothing inside me with which to deal with them.

Life is so complicated.

And this entry is so willy nilly.

There's something wrong about sitting with tears streaming down your face on Christmas Eve, isn't there?

But at least I can cry again.

is it over yet?

19 years in a house is a long time.

It's also enough time to accumulate enough shit that you have no idea what to do with it. I've resorted to throwing anything away that isn't worth something. Essentially that's what I'm doing now. I no longer care.

If I don't want it and can't sell it, it's garbage.

I'm so tired of packing/unpacking/pitching etc, I cannot even tell you.

I'm currently on a break. It's been 2 solid weeks. And I have this teensy ickle bickle car that has a hatch (thankfully) but I can't fit everything into it at once, so trips home, trips to the storage place...it's hellish.

It has to be done by the end of the week. Both for my sanity & the person buying it.

My back is just on fire. But I have to keep going. Endless I tell you.

Anyhoodles.

The season I hate is upon me. Unloved & unwanted, I go into this thing on my own again. Except for the pets who I love so dear. But still. I'm tired of this. I'm hoping the "new life" I'm being given has that in store for me at some point, someone that loves me...not another one that takes & gives me nothing back.

I'm not going to my family on Saturday. It's at the sister's place, and I really can't drive back from Ottawa by myself in the dark, I have almost fallen asleep so often that I'm afraid. So the aforementioned brekkie in the previous post with my friend, and then I'm invited to her family (who I know well) for dinner with my potatoe contribution. And if I have time some sweeties as well. We'll see.

I am happy about it, and yet sad. I want someone to stay home with. My own company is fine and dandy, but the incredible lonelies are just killing me.

On the subject of the guy from the brekkie restaurant, he hasn't been seen since I resolved to give him my number. Yep. And that's the way my life rolls. Figures.

Job wise, something really good is working. I am very pleased about it. and will tell all when the time is right.

I do work well. I am shite at interpersonal relationships. I know I've said that before, but nothing is more clear to me at this very moment ... Seriously.

lonelies

Although I'm feeling in a good place, pretty much, I have the major lonelies.

It's that time of the year again. The one that makes many singletons feel like complete & utter losers, because it's about family & love and all that shit I don't really have.

I've given my family a very hard time recently, rightly so in my opinion, they've been giving me a very hard time, either about the UK or moving, or money or whatever. Only my sister knows that I'm unemployed. My father would freak. Completely.

This is the scary part about being alone. Having no one to fall back on.

Year 10 being single at Xmas/New Year. Year 10 of being on my own.

I'll be staying home this year. With the move etc, although I have a free flat in London, I don't feel I should spend the money, and I was really hoping this wouldn't be the case, the aloneness, and the idea of going back there after what happened last year isn't a good thing.

Although being here isn't much better. Sigh.

My friend is coming over for breakkie, pressure to get this place up to speed (eek!) and then, that's all she wrote for me. I won't be doing anything else. Guess maybe I'll make myself a chicken.

This time of year always makes me sad.

******

Maybe someone out there can give me advice about a situation??? it's sort of related!

Couple weeks ago went out for breakfast with my friend, I saw her car thought she was already in the restaurant, rushed the door and this guy & I walked into each other. Looked up, way up (I'm tall, so this was a nice change) and the guy was quite cute, and held the door open for me.

Fast forward to being seated behind him, he was alone, and he kept checking me out. Did the same when he went to pay, shyly looking away.

So I asked the waitress about him, he's in a few times a week (so obviously single), usually alone or with male friends, branch manager for a bank. Oh so cute. Oh so shy. I like shy boys.

Anyway. She told me when he goes in etc etc etc and lo & behold, 2 weeks later, I saw him today.

But what in hell do I do? Does he remember checking me out. He looked at me very shyly again...then looked away. Like I told the waitress, it's not like I'm going to get the guts to walk up to the guy & give him my phone number (she said to give it to her lol!)

What do I do?

I feel like I'm in high school. Can you pass him a note for me? lol

and so it goes

I sometimes feel I will never get that house empty.

Oh my god the SHIT, absolute SHIT that we accumulate over the years.

I am have to make a concerted effort to NEVER have that happen again. The place is a mess. I don't think we see what we live in at a certain point. I'm lucky it sold. The guy who bought it has a hell of a lot of work ahead of him. But that's what he does, so I guess it's ok.

Pitching, pitching, packing. Unpacking to make room for more boxes. My upstairs rooms are pretty empty, but I really have to lean down the amount of things I own. I did have a full house. Full of the things that one accumulates (ie furniture), but geezus.

I need to get it done before the week is over, before the sale closes, but again, my teensy car, alone, it's a bit difficult. I also have obligations.

Good thing I'm not working.

Yep. You read that. To top off the year from hell, I lost my job. I'll go into it the *moment* the settlement money hits my bank account. But not until then. Assholes. That's all.

But it's ok. I am fairly certain that I have something starting in January. Actually I'm positive I do.

And boy. Not working, you spend a hell of a lot less $$. Amazing that.

Back to the unpacking. I have a "visitor" tonight, so I want some curtains up, and to be able to move. :)

wishes

So. I'm sitting here staring at the boxes and trying to get them to unpack themselves.

Not happening. Shocker :)

I love it here. I don't care that I am back to being able to hear my neighbors a little bit (it's concrete in between units, so it's not that bad), and that I have no idea what to do with everything I own, I'm just really happy here.

The house is still full of stuff, some is definitely coming with me, but I haven't had opportunity to pack it, some of it's going to the curb, some to storage. I can only do what I can do. Right?

Dogs are settling in. Rabbits have just been released after 2 days of being prisoners in their cages while I got the area ready for them. Foster bunner has a new "cavy cage" and my 2 are loose in my bedroom.

Hoping that everyone stays clean, that I don't have to smell anything nasty in here (I have a dog that is a pee-er - soon I hope when he gets anti-depressants that'll stop).

Hope for the best. Right?

Anyhoodles. Off I go to get dinner with a friend. must go check on the bunners first.

I am old part 1 million

So I'm in. Slept in my new place for the first time last night, on the sofa, didn't make it up to bed. Which still isn't set up anyway....

Didn't make it to the house today, couldn't do it, it's a mess and there's still so much stuff left there...omg, shoot me.

I have to get my arse in gear.

But I have lots of time to do this. I want it all done by end of next week though.

Nothing is done here at the new place. Shoot me. I did buy myself a new kettle though so I can have tea and stare at the mess.

Internet works. Heh

I'm going back to moving about this joint like an 85 year old woman. Later.