may this be a better year

Looking back over it, I didn't really have the happiest of years.

Started in January

Last New Years, where I found our Jam Flirt had a girlfriend, heartbreak to start the year. Have I mentioned that they are pregnant? It's a miracle baby, and they're happy, so I'm not about to fault them for it at all. Maybe Jam Flirt will become a responsible human from this.

Then I fell and badly damaged my knee, which hasn't recovered completely since. Oh the pain on my way over here last week.

First cold of so damned many last year. Seriously sick of being sick.

The cold in the hell hole we call Montreal. Last winter was wicked. And then the horrible heat & humidity during the summer. Absolute hell.

My friend M's apartment building burned down.

Money & work stress. And lots of it.

The end of a long term friendship, a bad, horrible end, not caused by me, caused by her and her new boyfriend, who had been dating another friend when they got together. May karma kick them both in the arse.

My colleague's stroke at the young age of 52. She'll never return to work, and because she tried to do too much, she broke her hip a month ago. I feel terrible for her.

Much trouble from my family because I want to move to the UK.

Got the H1N1 virus and thought I was going to die.

Found out I can't work for my company in the UK, they already hired someone back in July and didn't bother telling me.

My grandmother is dying of cancer. Very sudden to us, considering that she's probably had it for years and the no good doctor in Ontario never looked into it.

My bathroom flooded my kitchen, and the insurance company refuses to pay.

Problems with my middle sister.

Many hamster deaths over the past year. And one mouse. And my cat that dropped dead the day I left for England in September.

Dog-walker hell pre London trip #2.


There were good things too.

Like jam nights. Oh we had a hell of a lot of fun.

I attended Technodoll's wedding, where I met her and Vegas and Prin!

Got my first singing gig in years (3 last year actually).

I saved my friend M's hamster from the fire in her apartment.

Met my Molly and adopted her. Same for my Tao. Now they're a bunny-loving couple.

Much photography, and a few break thrus in terms of famous-ness of my subjects.

Helped in 2 seizures for the SPCA.

The Brit and I hooked up after 15 years.

Decided to live my lifelong dream, and move to the UK.

Did alot of volunteering (breast cancer walk and my tenure at the SPCA)

Flew over to the UK. And had a wonderful time.

Came back, and had a free apartment to boot.


I try so hard to be positive. I really do. And it's just not working for me at all...I don't get it.

I have to just try to believe that the next year will be better. It *has* to be better, doesn't it?

They say that the way you end the year is the same way you'll end the next year. Does that mean I'm stuck in a rut forever, alone on New Years? Always and forever?

God I hope not.

Here's to 2010 being better. Please?

:-)

I never want to leave here.

*sigh*

my temporary abode

Just a few pics to illustrate my cute little temporary abode. It's the top of an old house, condo that my friend & fiance rent. 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. Cutest little kitchen ever, a million times better than mine and a 1/4 of the size!

This is the view from the window in the living/dining room into the backyard, you can see the other houses around. The one thing that this illustrates, and that really makes me like the UK more and more, is that this is downtown, West end but downtown London all the same, and look at all the green and trees. You don't find that at home, in Montreal we have a "paved paradise and put up a parking lot" situation happening. And it really pisses me off. They seem to find the balance here. Beautiful window eh?



It's very bright in here during the day, they have skylights that face the street, but all you see is the tile roof, and sky....it's quite lovely.

This is the little galley kitchen, and I love it. I do not, however, love the little fridge freezer. I have enough food in it for me, 2 bottles wine and a bottle of cider, but that's it. Nothing like my 17 cubic foot fridge freezer at home, whcih is considered small.



And this is me trying to get a shot of the ceiling in the livingroom/dining room area, because it's all angled due to the dormer windows and the roof and everything. Please ignore my mess....





And this is the bedroom I'm staying in. My friends don't have alot of stuff, most of this is from the owner of the condo, very common to get furnished rental units here. Again, ignore my disaster....I'm a messy person and I hadn't neatened from last night...yeah...



So there you have it, I haven't taken a photo of outside, I'm not sure the other tenants would appreciate it!

My little temporary home away from home!

I'm hhheeeeerrreee!

So I got here first try. Flew economy class, stuffed like a sardine into a center seat (I hate not being able to see out of the plane, hate it, I need to see wing or an engine or something....and when I land ... well let's just say I was driving my fellow passenger crazy craning to see what was sitting on the ground at the airport. I'm insane.

But, to quote the guy from Air Canada who gave me my seat, it's all about getting a seat on that flight, the Paris flight was way overbooked and they were offering to move people via London, and I was worried I wouldn't get on at all, but voila, a seat was there for me!

So I arrived in the dark. It is dark late here, til almost 8 am - gets dark at about 3 pm, bit more than at home. Waited FOREVER to get thru customs (about 45 minutes), I fondly remember the days when Canada was in the line indicated "UK & Commonwealth countries" and I used to laugh at the Americans. Now, I'm in the line with them and just about anyone else that isn't from business class or the European Community. Sigh.

Get down to the Heathrow trains and find out the one I need is NOT running, apparently just about nothing is running, including tubes and busses...would have cost me £18 to Paddington and then about £50 to the flat from there, so I opted for £50 from Heathrow to the flat. Damn. And that's with no traffic.

There's no snow on the ground here, not a stitch, it had been raining a bit, I was tired, and cranky (no sleep on the flight, my knees ached the entire time and I was uncomfy), and weak...due to no breakfast (a muffin and a coffee does not breakfast make, but I fly cheap and dinner was good so let's not complain too much right?)and exhaustion from dragging my bags around for 1/2 an hour into the bus station and then back again (bus & tube are below another terminal....there are 5 at Heathrow). 6 flights of stairs, trying not to cry, I got into the flat.

The flat is very sweet, I'll take a few photos tomorrow, it's dark now (it is almost midnight), and in my opinion rather large for a west London flat (2 bedrooms and decent sized ones).

The heating situation. My friend warned me I wouldn't be able to figure it out. And I can't. I have absolutely no idea what in hell. I know how to turn it on, but I have no clue how to keep it on. It's gas, it also heats the hot water, which is upon demand. Also very bizarre for me! I'm used to just turning the damned thing on and having hot water from the 60 gallon tank downstairs in my basement!

So, I think I've gotten used to freezing. I guess it's the damp, because I'm wearing an open fall jacket outside (sweater underneath yes), but need a sweater and a blankie in here. I'll ask the Brit to take a look and explain when he gets here.

There are 2 bathrooms in this 2 bedroom flat. Well, one water closet (toilet & sink only), and one full bathroom, also with a toilet. I find that very bizarre, although I do understand the concept, and my friend says it's useful when her fiance goes for a "constitutional". Aka she doesn't have to wait forever, nor die of the residual fumes!

Grocery shopping. I had bacon for dinner Xmas day. And yogurt and papadum crisps. It's all I could get. But that's ok! The stove is in celcius...bizarre, had to Google it....

The place I wanted to shop, Iceland, was closed today, it's the cheapest joint, so I had to shop at 3 different places. I had to go back for eggs. That would be because I couldn't find any. Why? They are on the shelf beside the cereal, not in the refrigerated section. How bizarre. Had noticed that my friend had hers out on the counter here (but they are past date - each eggy stamped with a best before date), and I had to actually ask at Sainsbury where the hell they were, and the guy looked at me like I was nuts looking in the fridge section.

Bizarre.

Electricity. I went to put the recycling downstairs, and it was past dark. You have to turn the hallways lights on. They don't stay on all the time here, only long enough for me to get from the 3rd floor down to the main floor, then I had to turn them back on to get back up. Well, or kill myself.

So, on that note, I am tucked in on the sofa, and think another cup of tea is in order. My friend has the best kettle, ready in under 5 mins. If I wouldn't have to buy it a plug for Canada, I'd bring one home!

And that is it for now!

Watching "Law & Order SVU" - cuz it's only American on the tube tonight!

gack!

My dog walker backed out on me at the last minute.

What in hell am I going to do now?

Hopefully my kind neighbour will do this for me, if I pay her. And her daughter.

OH THE STRESS!

listening to: "The Boxer" Simon & Garfunkle

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

This is a flyby screaming.....

I am still the only standby listed for the flight. Shhhhhhhhh or all the others from Friday and Saturday might find out.

Keep all your appendages crossed for me that I get on .

I need this more than I can tell anyone.

panic-stricken in Montreal

So. I panic I won't get on my flight.

I panic the house isn't clean.

I panic I haven't done everything I need to for the animals.

I panic.

Welcome to the "pre-London trip" panic-fest!

And PS. They got f-ing snow in London. A whole centimeter. And they're now panic-stricken.

Time to feed the mouse, he's talking to me.....Henri tells me when he's run out of food with little mousey chirps.

I am losing it aren't I?

Listening to: "It Snowed" - Meaghan Smith

andddddddddddddddddd.........

British Airways got a court injunction, there will be no strike during the holiday season.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPPPYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Listening to: "Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor" - Flight of the Conchords

there's always got to be a wrench, man....

So because we wouldn't want anything to go well for myself, new twist in the tale of a trip to London over the holidays is the British Airways flight attendants deciding that the holidays was an EXCELLENT time to go on stike.

How does this affect me you ask?

I'm flying standby with Air Canada. The only other airline leaving Montreal for London. And now my flights both in and out are full.

I'd leave on the 24th, except that I don't think my friend's neighbors want me knocking on their door on Christmas day. At 8-9 am because the flight is always early from Montreal. Tail winds.

Sigh.

Keep your fingers crossed they legislate them to stay working.

And not just for me, they're idiots. They're all almost out of jobs. They do this to BA, and they can kiss the airline right into bankruptcy that it won't be able to get out of.

Sweet.


Listening to: "Electric Twist" - A Fine Frenzy
"Never Look Back" - Blue Rodeo

communication

Yeah. I need to learn to do that a bit better. I am OH SO good at it at work. But so OH NOT good at it in my interpersonal relationships.

So, friend of mine had asked about the status of the situation with the Brit, I relayed the whole thing to her and she said to me "are you sure he understands where you stand on this issue, were you perfectly clear? Men can't read minds, women can, but men can't".

Ummmmm yeah so I was thinkin' to myself "was I?".

So I texted, clarifying the situation and got back a message ... well "what? what? it's about work, I had a surprise for you, I don't want to ruin it, I want to see you, what??????"

Um yeah. So little Miss Communication here....sigh.

So. I'll apparently have more company then I thought I would. Um.

Egg on face anyone?

Sigh, at 40 I would have figured I would have learned....by now?

Listening to: "Wheat Kings" The Tragically Hip

done I guess?

So, he never answered me. Never told me. But managed to answer a joke I sent to a bunch of male friends, in which he was included, with "now THIS email I like".

So I don't want to see him.

The Brit smiles at me and I melt, I can't see him, I'll just let him pull this shit again.

I know men ignore what they don't want to deal with, but I just can't stand it. I'm across the ocean, don't leave me hanging.

So effectively, at this moment, one trip ruined by him. Seeing him was part of what I was looking forward to.

But that's ok, I'll be fine without.

Listening to: Royal Wood - Juliet

is it wrong?

Is it wrong to just want a frigging drama-free life?

I got rid of a few people that were making my life a living hell, figured once they were off and gone, things would be a hell of a lot more smooth sailing.

But apparently not. Apparently I'm meant to live in hell.

Insurance company comes back to me with a ridiculous offer, less than 1/3 of what the estimate I got on the kitchen would cost. I tell my broker "forget it, they'll hear from the lawyer", and the insurance comes back asking for a copy of the estimate so they can look into it again.

Sigh. Can this not be a shitload more simple?

Good news is I now have 2 offers on the table to buy my house. So when I know what in hell I'm doing, I'll be able to sell it.

And then there's men. I won't bore you, except to say that The Brit told me he has something to explain to me when we see each other ("but it's not bad!"), I want him to tell me now so I don't have to wonder about it for 3 weeks. Frankly, I'll be the judge of what's "not bad!". He hasn't given me any idea yet.

Sigh.

So he's been told unless he explains, we won't be seeing each other.

Can I go away now? I would really love that.

enough already

Insurance called today to inform me that they don't intend to pay me a cent for my kitchen.

Yes, the insurance I've been paying for X amount of time is not going to play.

That was until a friend in TV made a suggestion, writing to the local station about it, I also have a lawyer waiting in the wings (I am not remotely litigious, but I had a feeling they would try this shite).

Responding to the adjuster in the email she sent my refusal in, I told her I had contacted the media and my lawyer and she would hear from someone in the near future. Oh and what was her direct supervisor's name and phone?

Amazingly I get an email back from the adjuster saying she needs to speak to her supervisor and the estimator and would get back to me. Yeah. I thought so.

My insurance broker thinks they'll offer me a small amount as a gesture, and I think I'll be seeing the lawyer and he'll be saying we can get more, so I'll let him deal with that.

Bastards. You pay pay pay, and something happens, they look for anything to get out of paying. The lawyer says that unless they have a clause in terms of the age of my kitchen, previous damage etc (they looked at my kitchen a few years ago before insuring it when they inspected the entire house) or a clause stating they won't pay for plumbing causing flooding, they have to pay.

Sigh. Cuz I need this right?

I am NOT litigious like I say, but I'm also not taking this laying down considering I pay those bastards almost $70 a month for my house insurance.

And she thought I was kidding. Silly adjuster.

yes, there's life over here

I know I know I am a blogging zero. I can't help it. It's partially desire to not bother because I'm only coming up with negativity at the moment, partially having too much on my plate and this is yet another thing to add to it, and partially everything going through my brain confusing me completely and being unable to really put it to paper, as they say (because this isn't paper).

So many good things, and yet so many bad things going on right now. Let's start with the good.

Good:

- back to photography with a vengeance!!! Lots of great bands out there and I get to see them and enjoy them while I take photos which is a passion. Happy happy!

- work is busy. This actually goes in both categories, but tis a good thing because it's a good indication of what is happening with the economy. Yey.

- good friends who put up with me and have been helping with my kitchen issues.

- my babies...although they keep dying off on me (the likkle ones - 2 hamster deaths in 2 weeks), they are what keep me going day to day

- 3 weeks til London....WOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad:

- insurance company kitchen crap. I need to call my witch adjustor today...JOY OH FRIGGING BLISS. Haven't heard a word in over a week. Way to try to make me go away after all the $$ they've gotten out of me

- worried I won't have enough $$ for England

- family. Sigh. Can't solve that one anytime soon, can I?

- my laptop, the hard drive is considering dying on me. Silver lining to that one is that the replacement is cheap, and according to my IT department here at work, it's easy peasy to replace, as in I can do it myself (but the guy told me to bring it to work and he would oversee it for me). Backed up everything on my drive (250g thanks - photos take a lot of space), and I'm ready for the sudden death (which my luck will be when I'm in England! LOL)

- sheer exhaustion. I'm not SPCAing until I'm back from London, so that'll help in the long run, but right now I haven't had time to color my hair, it's that busy.

It'll all work out in the long run, always does, and I have faith that it will, but man o man, someone out there is testing me for sure (I don't believe in God, so it ain't him!)

Great week all...I'll post again when I can put together a non-negative coherent sentence!

family....aka HELL

Trip to Ontario yesterday.

Little background, my father's mother has just been diagnosed with lung cancer, and is in a facility, probably until she goes into palative care and dies.

So went to visit her for the first time since she was diagnosed, and probably the last time, because I personally think she won't last past Christmas.

Everything was fine with my youngest sister and my mom and I, until we picked up the middle daughter. Who decided she needed to shop (small town Ontario....she lives in a bigger city...no need to go shopping while she's going to see a dying grandmother).

I told her no, she got her nose out of joint, and I got into trouble on the way home from the other sister for hurting her feelings.

Also got attitude due to leaving for the holidays.

And for wanting to move.

Piece de la resistance, my grandmother gave my youngest sister her car, my other sister all her silverware (ie, real silver), and me...well...nada. I was asked what I wanted, I said due to the move, nothing big, preferably jewelry, my mother's comment was that she didn't think that was a good idea because I would sell it.

Pardon?

I wouldn't sell jewelry. I have all my jewelry, family stuff and things given to me from men past, good memories, bad memories, I keep it all, I have an emotional attachment to it.

I was hurt, and insulted.

People wonder why the idea of being across the ocean doesn't bother me.

wet

I suppose, seeing as everything in this house is waterlogged in some way or another, me sitting crying isn't going to cause much of a problem.

I think I'm feeling the stress of the past bit, right here, right now, and all because of the $300 deductible that my insurance company is making me pay. No, they aren't deducting it, they're making me pay it to a subcontractor.

I may have a very good job, but I live alone, and I am budgeted up the hilt. I don't have $300 available right now, this is a problem, so that means something else doesn't get paid or I don't eat or breathe or live or...well...whatever.

So. Lack of sleep, stress, frustration, and general sense of being the only one in this thing with me, I'm sitting crying tears of sheer frustration.

I never do cry tears of joy. Never have. Probably never will?

I'm tired of having to go this whole thing alone. So tired.

and the water came...

So I walk in from work on Friday, only to wonder why there's water all over my kitchen floor and why I can hear what is akin to Niagara Falls coming from my kitchen ceiling?

My toilet ran all day and overflowed into the kitchen below, and the basement below that....

Now. I need a new kitchen, but seriously, this wasn't the way I planned on getting that.....

I am going to look at this as a blessing in disguise, they are going to have to tear down my walls in the kitchen, the cabinets are from 1952, so they will fall apart, and they'll have to put in something new. It'll be ok, right? It'll be a cheap kitchen, but it won't be a million years old, and I'll be able to sell my house, the one thing that I thought would prevent a decent sale.

Sigh.

But the stress associated, I could do without.

I hate construction zones. My parents place was under construction from the time I was about 7 until after I owned my own home at 21. Construction zones stress me, and I'm about to live in one.

The job hunt (which I can't complain about, I have a job, so shut up right?), wanting to move & being blocked, my grandmother, and now the house stuff....I just find sometimes that I get tested in a big way, with alot all at once, and that one day this migraine I'm feeling is actually an aneurysm due to stress. And that it's going to blow.

Hope not though.

Feel free to shoot me anytime.

wishing...hoping....

That photo, I can't get it out of my mind.

I need to get over there.

Is it Christmas yet? I don't like Christmas, ever, but I'm thinking this year I'll like it more than usual seeing as my gift to myself is a trip to London.

I'm not sure how to proceed with finding a job there. I've done everything I need to do and yet, nothing is happening. I need to be more proactive. The best way to do that would be to sell up here and go, but what in HELL would I live on is the question I have for you.

Yeah. Not such a good idea.

I have to hope that someone will be progressive enough to consider a foreigner for a position. Or that I can get something with an airline.

Sigh.

Otherwise, all I'm doing right now is working, sleeping, eating. I'm exhausted physically and mentally, I don't have enough time for anything.

My grandmother is dying of cancer, so that's another thing I'm thinking about. This sucks pretty well...she'll be gone in the next few months, max, I think she's resigned to the idea that she'll be dying. Just hoping she gets a bed in palliative care so it doesn't hurt too much.

And that's about it here.

Still thinking about that photo. That's one of my favorite places in London, the town of Kew. Which I can live in no problem, but only if I win the 6/49......

the good and the bad

Good: Confirmation that I have my friend's apartment for the holidays, for free, by myself in London UK! WOOHOOOOOO!!!!

Bad: I'm not going to have any money. Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Well, I'll have enough but man it's going to be super tight, let me tell you. And frankly, I just don't care. How bad is that.

Some mention was made of me seeing the Brit on New Years, but there's a few stipulations attached to that on my part (as in, he's working, which is fine, I'll go to work with him, which I can do, but I am NOT and I repeat NOT going to be able to get back to my apartment in West London from the area he's working in unless he drives me, which at 4 am he's not going to want to do. So I have to stay with him. He tells me that's just dandy. We'll see what happens on the cold foot front.

Debts, expenses, my property taxes have gone up considerably in the past year, $150 a month up and it's pissing me off. The bank made a calculation error last year, and they're making me pay for it. Nice. I need this right now. Yep. Really.

I don't see my salary going up, I didn't get profit sharing this year (and we made profit, but up here in Canada, not in the US, so we are being made to suffer....NIIIIICE!)

Sigh.

Money. I shouldn't be going away, and I just don't give a shit.

update

I'm working.

My arse off.

No other time for anything and I'm tired and I'm bitchy and I need to do 3 quizes for my course I'm taking and they're due by midnight tonight and and and and.....

Can I have someone else's life for *just* a bit, so things can start making a bit of sense again?

First call to UK this afternoon in a few months. Is it silly to say I'm looking forward to it. We don't talk on the phone often (it's usually MSN/Skype), so I'm looking forward to it, talking is something we have no problems with at all.

Otherwise....work. And more work. And stress. And migraines. Yay.

Ever notice...

...that the weekends are just not long enough to accomplish what needs to be accomplished in life?

One thing I miss about being married (because I never lived with anyone other than my ex husband, I have no other frame of reference for this), is that I could share tasks around the house. Although my ex was one of the laziest men I know, there were things that didn't fall on my shoulders.

Now they do.

If I didn't want to ever enjoy myself on the weekend, hey, I could probably get everything done.

But I can't cook for the week, do the laundry, vacuum, wash the floors, do all the dishes from the cooking, and get everything else I need accomplished, all done on the weekend.

And evenings, well, there's just no way in hell. I'm lucky I am able to prepare dinner, and frequently, I don't.

It's already 8:30, I'm making a lentil soup (spicy...with tomates, carrots, turnip - big bag for $2!!! - and sausage), doing dishes that I neglected this weekend, I need to color my hair because my old lady hair is growing out, and I use henna, because it's the most natural looking (having been a redhead it's really hard to match the red....very very difficult, henna does the best job of making it look semi-natural).

I can see that I'll still have henna in my hair at 10pm tonight, while I'm sitting on the sofa, waiting, yawning, unable to watch the tube any longer...

And then tomorrow starts the work week, yet again.

And the vacuuming & floor washing that didn't get done will get worse, the dishes will pile up, as will the laundry.

We haven't even discussed what needs doing outside yet.

Sigh. Why do I have a house again? What was I thinking?

And I haven't done anything I really wanted to. I want to make some jewellery, I want to finish editing the photos I took this week (hell stuff I took 4 months ago as well), I want to sort thru things and decide what to sell.

Time is so fleeting, I'm watching it pass me by as I do laundry.

Sucks.

alrighty then

Well, it's been a while. I have so much swimming in my head and just no way to get it out there.

I'm madly applying to jobs in the UK, one of which I hold out some hope for if they can't find anyone locally to fit the bill, starting in 2010. I'm not sure how to do this, all alone, with no job on the other end.

Do I sell my house now and rent until I'm ready to go, or wait til I have something in the hopper to sell?

How does this all work? I'm so confused.

I figure it will all figure itself out eventually and I'll be over there in no time. A friend tells me with complete confidence that he knows I'll do it, I've set my mind to it.

Or is the universe telling me for a 3rd time that I shouldn't go? I have a really hard time believing in that...

Started back into photography again, hot and heavy, 3 already this week, another on the weekend, with another pending. Trying to get a few Brit acts under my belt and into my portfolio, for when I'm in the UK, everyone I photograph is Canadian for the most part or completely unknown, I need to have a few of the more "famous" in there, because I'll be starting with a whole new bunch of people to approve me for photo passes over there. The town that I want to live in or near is a haven of summer concert festivals...big names....so I have that goal in mind.

The Brit. I said I would inform more....I've decided it's not something I really want to talk about, neither in my personal life to people that I know will judge me, or even here, because I'll also be judged I'm sure, but the Brit and I have been talking, emailing back and forth and talking via Skype etc.

Not to get too detailed, but I got apologized to, he regrets not coming to see me a second time, says it was a mistake he shouldn't have made, he should have taken a day off to see me, that he was an idiot and has done alot of thinking on the subject. And when am I back in the UK so he can make it up to me.

Do I believe him? Yes...but I'm always cautious. I think he's self-aware enough but is the type to have to think about things a great deal to come to that awareness. Do I forgive him? I easily forgive unfortunately. However am being extremely reserved, I'm not going to get as gung ho as I did before, guard this little black heart of mine a bit.

He also said something that I am going to take to heart in relation to other relationships in my life. That hints with him don't work, if I want something from him, I have to tell him straight out, ask him straight out, no hinting around the subject. He doesn't get hints, he doesn't realize they're being dropped, in writing or in speaking.....

Hints are something I am bad about, my shyness comes out in that I will NEVER straight out ask for something, I'll hint around it and see if someone takes the bait (this is in my personal life, work wise I am straight and to the point). I am a giver, not a taker, so I guess this is where it is most evident.

I need to work on that I guess.

So, a bit of relief in the "wtf happened with the Brit? I don't get it" situation, but then again, the one thing I was sure would happen (job) didn't, and I'm at square one yet again.

I want to be over there. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm even spending Xmas over there, I have a free apartment for the time I'm there, I can cook for myself, I hate being here....I'm gone...alone in Montreal, or alone in London? I'll pick alone in London thanks.

well

I'm going back to bed.

Figured you'd all want to know.

unbelievable

And, as though right on cue, an FB message from The Brit, asking me how things are going.

My response was short and curt. "Been better thanks".

F*ck you, you f*cking shithead.

ok universe, what now?

Yeah so, apparently I can't stay working with my company if I go to the UK. So now I get to do the "unknown" thing and apply to places I know nothing about. Only good thing about that is they may pay to relocate me.

I'm so disappointed, I'm sitting in my office trying not to cry. Only good thing is that I just read about another large company in my industry that had a huge theft ring going on in London, they've fired a whole hell of a lot of management that were involved, so there's going to be work available there. Pre-emptively putting in my resume there. Who knows? I walked past their facility during my trip over...

I'm so disappointed.

The one thing I'm good at, work, and apparently, I'm not so much.

How to make me feel lower than I've been recently.

Yay.

living

Still here.

One step forward, 2 steps back....never fails.

Have made an effort to have some fun, but I'm exhausted, it's been go go go for a few weeks, this coming weekend with exception of one night out, I'm staying at home. Got invited out tonight to a friend's for dinner, but I can't, the dogs & foster rabbit spent way too much time in cages this weekend for my liking, they need to be out and about tonight.

I should also be saving $$. Big time. I'm supposed to have a chat with our new manager overseas this week, and hopefully should get some sort of a date with which to work instead of the suppositions in my brain. Here's hoping it's not that soon, I can't do it that quickly. And I don't want this opportunity to pass me by.

God I can't believe I'm doing this.

The Brit. No news. Which I guess, is the news.

Please note that it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt and that I haven't taken it all very personally....I'm sorry, I am not a "forget about him" person, never have been never will be. I grieve. And this is 15 years worth of grieving I'm putting into this one. That's me. Or as a friend would say, the magic of me.

Who knows what will happen when I live over there? Right now the furthest I can think is what I'll make for dinner in about 2 hours....

sad

It's the Brit's birthday today.

I am so close to tears, at basically any moment, I cannot tell you.

I texted him a happy birthday (I don't do these things on people's Facebook walls....bleh). A small flurry of texting ensued. But I stopped it.

I'm just sad. and don't bother telling me he's not worth the sadness, it's not that I don't know that already....I just can't help how I feel.

..and then she passed out

Milles excuses, but I'm just too tired to manage much in terns of writing a coherent sentence....very sorry, I'm sure I'll lose all 3 of my readers (!), but, life gets in the way of most things, doesn't it?

Work is insane, I've been doing some photography and I really can't handle much else with the travelling shoved in there.

I need to get to the UK for the work stuff asap, I'm thinking earliest I can afford is end of November, so that's in the works. I was asked to come see about a position.

Heard from the Brit. I'm being very unenthused about it. Let him do the chasing.

I'm FREE!!!

My completely unreasonable friend? Someone she knows passed on the info that I'm sick and tired of her and now she's gone, long, long gone, and I don't have to be polite anymore.

YEY!!!!!

Long story short, she decided she liked the boyfriend of a friend, and worked her arse off getting him. This friend was also a friend of hers. Nice. So I've been completely honest about my feelings about it and it got back to her. I wish them luck, they deserve each other.

I also turfed the Brit. Well. Turfed is probably wrong, I basically had emailed asking a few things and he didn't respond to what I had asked (again responded to the part that I didn't care too much about in the email). So I told him he knows how to get ahold of me, if he wants to, I will be more than pleased to hear from him, I am just not going to continue feeling like I'm chasing him around. Told him it was too bad, we could have something good when I get over there, but not if he's not going to put some effort in.

We'll see where that gets me. Probably nowhere. In which case, whatever. Problem is, it hurts like hell that I'm sitting here hoping for something that in the back of my head I'm telling myself will never happen.

I have to be out of town 3 days next week. I am less than impressed. I absolutely hate Toronto.

And that's about all I have at this time. I'm exhausted. So please excuse the sporadic blogging.

BTW, before anyone asks, I'm still going to London if I get that job. He was never my reason to move over there, so he won't be the reason I don't go.

*crickets*

No one home over here.

I don't have the mental energy to write anything right now, things are so messed up it's unreal, work-wise etc etc etc....I just can't get it together enough....

Back soon.

still no light

Still half sick. Can't eat, nothing is staying put. I just read that the only flu we have currently in Canada is the H1N1, and I'm afraid that's what I have/had, except the whole cold aspect isn't part of it according to my sis the nurse, so maybe not. However I could really do without the nighttime hot flashes (read, fever). I am so not going to be pleasant when I go thru menopause, 1 order of hormones, STAT!

So, due to having next to no energy at all when I get home from work, I haven't done alot. No thinking no organizing none of those lists I either lose or ignore.

Sigh. I don't want to be doing everything last minute, but I know me, and I can see that happening.

Shoot me.

The Brit is behaving. Somewhat. It takes losing it a bit in order for that to happen, not sure what that's about. We're fine in person, we're fine on the phone, he communicates perfectly. As for email, OMG I would have hired a hit by now if that was the only way we managed to communicate.

Turns out that his email server was sending his responses back to him. He even sent the returns to me. However, he's a smart man, he could try texting me as such?

I will never understand men. Seriously.

Then there's money. Ye olde cashola. I need to be making some of that but quick. Posthaste. I need alot of it. To pay for my divorce, my visa, my trip back in December, my bills here, and eventually my move.

How many hours a day can I work, without Revcan & RevQc finding out? ahahahahahahah

I wear stress well generally, but when things feel somewhat insurmountable, I get a bit panicky.

Sigh. Getting there?

overwhelmed

So. Been back a week tomorrow night. I'm not going to lie and say it's been a happy week, because it hasn't. It's been fraught with illness, distaste at being back in this hellhole we call a province with it's rude bastard people (my drive to work on Monday was easily one of the worst I've ever had, probably mostly due to my lack of a decent mood at the idiocy that awaited me around each fucking corner).

Seriously. We're rude here. We have no clue how to be polite? Not to insult anyone, but seriously, is it the french influence that makes this a city full of selfish bastards?

I have no idea.

Then, 2 days in I get sick as hell. This cold that is going around the office nailed me but quick, and 5 days later death sounds like a much better alternative then coughing up green crap and not sleeping.

I actually took a day and half off work. Shocking.

So, I'm starting to sort of freak out at the prospect of moving. I have no certain dates until November/December, I am not certain I get the job over there with my company, although I think I have as good, if not better a chance as anyone, and I don't even have an idea of the salary or what position might be open to me.

I'm looking at this house wondering what I take with me, hell, what I can afford to take with me, and what I don't. Luckily, 80% of rentals in the UK are furnished, so with exception of maybe a few items, I don't need any furniture, however, I have alot of family antiques etc, that I would like to keep. Do I ship them over, or do I put them in storage (which is pricey) and then arrange for them to be shipped down the line?

Decisions decisions.

I mean, do I take my cd & dvd collection with me? Yes, I think I do, dvds, I need to get a multiple country machine or take the one I have with me, and that's fine, I can do that without much effort, or do I just sell up. I have a whole bunch I watch over and over that are either Canadian or not easily found, not keen on getting rid.

Pets. It will be fucking expensive to take them with me. Which I still plan to do. However, yikes.

Oh and I still need to get that visa. Although I do have most of it take care of, except, of course the $400 fee associated to it.

And then I have to drive to Ottawa to be fingerprinted, however I can do that along with a sales call to clients up there. Which will net me about $300 in mileage fees which is pretty nice.

Bunnies. I still am not sure what to do.

Cats. Well. I have one less. One of mine dropped dead the morning I was leaving for the UK. Poor girl. I was vacuuming upstairs and she ran down to the main floor and must have just had an aneurysm. I was quite distressed, still am....eyes wide open and everything....and the feeling of guilt (I always feel guilty).

God forbid my pets should either die gently or not have to be put to sleep by me. God forbid.

And the Brit is being distant. Considering last week, that's kid of shocking to my system. I am certain it's work, like I think I said before, we had quite the chat, I know his situation, I know why he needs to work so much, and that he's exhausted, but geezus. Answer a fucking email. How hard is that? Initiate a text message. It certainly wasn't due to a disinterest in me. Or it bloody well better not be.

Not that it makes a difference about my plans.

I'm not sure where to start. I know where to go on the other end, but I'm terrified about where to start from here, and how to get things organized as well as what sort of lead time I'm going to have to do it in.

Yikers.

And so. I'm overwhelmed. Hopefully when I'm less ill it'll be a bit easier and less confusing, but then again, maybe it won't be.....

God help me, what am I doing?

ahm sick

Yep.

Back in town a grand total of 4 days and I'm sick as a dog.

My sister says not to blame my co-workers, but it's them, it's their fault, those fuckers and their little kids with illnesses, and they come to work or worse bring the little infected brats and voila.

No one I encountered in London was sick.

Sigh.

I'm bitchy.

So I came home today at noon intending to sleep, except the road work is shaking the house and making such a racket that I slept but fitfully. A work conference call, mandatory, dragged forever, I just put my cell on speakerphone. Bugger off I'm sick.

So I sat here watching British films all afternoon, crying my eyes out, wishing I was back there, wishing I could see the Brit again, he's working flat out tonight, have heard via text here and there....but, I regret not having seen him more, and well, as a result of last week I regret a huge part of my life.

Which I know I shouldn't do but, it's there, in my brain.

Why didn't I, why don't I, oh the what ifs.

On that note, my snotty nose and I need to get the dogs outdoors. Don't think we can walk on the road yet, at least not little doggie feet.....they're still roaring back and forth on the big roller doohickeys, which have hot rollers if I'm correct (and therefore curly hair ------ oh the sick chick humor...)

Ugh. "Three Weddings & a Funeral" is almost done. I need to roll over and get walking. Icky.

sigh

I'm back.

And I really don't want to be.

Went into work yesterday, seemed like a fantastic idea when I woke up at 4 am, save a day of vacation for later this year when I go back to the UK, probably fly out Xmas eve....arrive there on Xmas day...depending....(nothing makes me feel more alone then Xmas and New Year, so I may as well travel and give myself the opportunity of my first New Years kiss in.....way longer then I'd like to discuss, seeing as it's measured in years, almost double digits....)

Almost didn't make it thru.

Have many photos, haven't had time to post them or upload them, either too tired, or at this point, there's too many files on my hard drive and I need to get rid in order to upload my photos. Yey.

Things went well over there, only saw the Brit one time though, it was a good time, but, his work schedule is somewhat ridiculous. We laid around on my bed at the hotel and talked for hours. I know why he works so much, finances were a huge part of the discussion, he laid it all out, and I was a weepy, teary mess the two times we tried to get together after and his work interfered. Hard when you have a scenario in your head and real life gets in the fucking way.

I will be seeing realtors and staying out in the area I'd like to live in next time, suggestion of my friend S who lives in London (friend from Kindergarten) who is incredibly supportive of my choice to move over there, but says it's purely selfish as she doesn't know many people outside of work, ha! She and her fiance recently emigrated from South Africa, she's lived there before, they both like London, so, here's hoping all goes well in my case.

Work wise, I have to go back in December and meet the manager over there to see what is up, if he likes me, and if the salary/position are what I'm looking for.

My father is being much more supportive after I told him nothing will happen before the new year, he likes that I have much more time to do what I need to now, like my divorce, get the visa, finances....

That's it in a nutshell.....I'm still too tired to think completely straight, and still too disappointed at not being able to see the Brit, although he's keeping in touch, he's a texting fiend....even during work when he's not supposed to....sweet :)

bleh

Well.

I go home tomorrow. And am not thrilled about it in any way.

It's been all in all a good week. Found out my info, spent time with a special someone, but not enough, and don't ever want to leave.

The end.

woot!

So.

This post is being brought to you by the raving lunatic that is ME!

I am in my last hour of work for 11 days..(oh my, what a treat!) and I can't concentrate so, as you can see, I'm blogging! ahhahahaa

So I fly out tomorrow (looks very good so I'm no longer panicking about that) and then I get to London at 7:30 am, about an hour to two for customs formalities as we Canadians no longer get to go in the "Commonwealth Countries" customs line like we used to pre-European Community, now we're lumped in with the country down south, and every North American airplane lands at the same freaking time!

Then my hotel, while lovely, I can't check in until 2 pm unfortunately (I'm hoping they will prove to be empty the night before and I'll be able to get into my room early). ACtually, it's a North American chain hotel, but it was cheap and flexible, so no complaints here. I'm going to see if the concierge will keep my bags for me, then I'll grab the camera and off I will go....downtown? Windsor? Kew Gardens (which in all the times I've been there I've never seen?), or maybe go to Soho and wander about a bit and get lunch?

Man I love travelling, it's been so damned long, I'm so damned EXCITED!

And then, Monday night, I meet up with the Brit. WOW. 15 years. This will be interesting (and yes TD, lingerie is packed! bahahahaha!). I really can't wait!

And then the rest of the week is open, and I'm happy about that, so no complaints from me at ALL!

My friend who lives over there is away in Vegas until Tuesday, so I'll see her at some point after that.....

Wooowwweeeeee!

Wish me bon voyage!!!!! And I'll try to write, I promise!

whhoooooooweeeee!

Ok I almost forgot I had a blogger account.

Yikes.

*runs around arms flailing, totally panicking*

I leave on Saturday. In theory. But it looks good.

Some meetings, some visits with friends. Oh my.

So much to do and so little time, I also need to be coherent at work.

So I'll be incoherent here.. :D

There's a man who's getting very excited at the prospect of my visit on the other side. Phew. I think chickenbutt has straightened his little brain out nicely.....

And I can't wait to get away. I used to travel all the time, and then I got married. End of.

I have to go back before Christmas..shame really....

I'll try to blog from over there, have free internet in the hotel....dunno if you'll hear from me before then.


weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no...nonononooooooooo

I do NOT like what's happening out of doors right now.

No, not one freaking bit!

EWWWW

Hot, humid, feels like you're in a sauna, except, you're standing outside. Just. Gross.

So I'm going out, to photograph a band, and that'll be that.

Tomorrow morning I volunteer at the Walk to End Breast Cancer, I do this every year, both days, I need to be at Jarry Park at 5 am (Uniprix Stadium for those tennis watchers, we just had a big tournament last week in which all the big famous dudes got trounced early on).

Yeah. 5 am. Yeehaw. However, then I have the entire day to me, because I'm done by 8 because all the walkers will be off! (I'm at late registration and money receiption...best table to be at, seriously!)

I get this hot t-shirt and a pass and it's all good! Oh and a hat that says I'm bilingual...woot!

Two weeks and I'm in the UK. WOW.

The Brit is ill, as in with the illness that he had when I initially tried to contact him in the spring, the thing that almost killed him? He was to go for an xray today to see if indeed that is what it is, but he says his symptoms are the same and he's having chest pain (read lungs).

We were scheduled for a chat and I haven't heard from him. Which explains this disjointed manic post, because I'm worried. I just emailed him to ask to PLEASE let me know he's ok asap (it's midnight there almost, he could have just fallen asleep because this illness exhausts you), or I'm going to worry. Much. Alot. If he gets admitted to hospital, then I won't know unless he lets me know or gets his brother to let me know.

Dammitall.

So, I'm going to have a glass of vino and dinner with friends and hope to get my damned mind off this, because, I'm sort of in freak out mode *hopes for a text but knows I won't hear til tomorrow*

so I got...

Nothin'

Family driving me insane with their insipid lists of why I shouldn't move, can't move, it's impossible to move.

Ok they're just driving me insane.

Work. It is.

Everything else. It is.

And now I am going to bed.

and calm has re-entered my life.....

After a week and a half of uncertainty, unanswered email, lack of contact, things seem to have reached normalcy.

The Brit, in his fear, was avoiding me. Not completely, because I'm that irresistible (hahahahahah, yeah ok right), but sort of avoiding the subject of last week's terror attack. His, not the Taliban's :)

I, at the urging of a male friend, attempted to leave it alone when an email on the subject went unanswered. Not an accusatory email, just a "hey, what's up? is there a problem?" email.

And leave it alone I did. For about 4 days. And then, I broke. I called. And he was so glad to hear from me, didn't say it out loud but started a sentence that he didn't continue "I thought....well.....".

We are back to normal. Normal in which I am planning on staying in the city at a B & B, because he's so afraid, but normal all the same. No more unanswered email, no more avoidance. Initiation. It's a good thing. And I'm feeling so very relieved.

Naturally next hurdle being that his new job requires shifts, one of which ends at 10 pm, and whether or not he'll be doing that the week I'm there. With my luck, he will be. Sigh!!!!!!!!

So. A big old phew, the lump at the pit of my tummy is no more. My friend J says that patience is needed with men, and to completely lay off, and to him I am eternally grateful, because he was completely right.

I swear having male friends is really helpful on occasion.

Photographed a techno band last night, I'm still bopping in my head, they were wonderful..... ended up there with a group of 5 male friends in the end, I knew they were fans, it was a blast.

So, I'm feeling good, and the Brit just emailed me, all on his own....I'm a happy happy girl right now.

confusion

I am a huge, heaving mass of conflicted emotions.

I am so confused.

I can't put any of it straight in my brain at the moment. What a mess.

and so...

Things have calmed down a bit at chez Myself...

The upset has turned into understanding, somewhat, and a bit of annoyance, somewhat, but we'll see what happens.

All going well when flying stand-by, a month from today I should be sitting in some pub in London UK having a brew or a g & t, with someone I know, The Brit, or friends, or just alone, and I will absolutely be loving every minute of it. I haven't been since 1992 I think. Up to that point, I had been 6 times previously.

I realized I have yet another person I know over there, he just moved about a year ago, and I was speaking to him and both he and his GF love it there. He's lived there once before, for her it's the first time, she accepted a job transfer.

I am so looking forward to this.

The Brit, is running scared. It's actually happening, one of us is going to visit the other, and he told me he's scared. I feel fear, but I don't run away from it, so I had a really really hard time understanding that he's just a guy (!!!) and maybe, being 2 doors down from his brother, 10 mins away from his parents, maybe he's never had to deal with change, and certainly never had to deal with an interest moving from a different country to his....even though he is well aware that any decision o of that nature in relation to my move doesn't have to do so much with him, more my job prospects and just general desire to live there, but it makes things a reality.

It's put a bit of a damper on things. I've backed off to where I don't make any contact, it's up to him, and although he's started his new job and is working full tilt (5 nights a week) at his other job, he is keeping in touch through his own volition.

I suggested perhaps he didn't want to see me when I'm there, and I got told that I was crazy to think he didn't want to see me a few times when I'm there. He had given me a complete indication that perhaps that was the case, but assures me it's not.

So. We'll see what happens with that.

I have so much to do during the day there. Info to seek, people to meet with, it's going to be crazy.

And I just can't wait!

cue the tears

So, I am really too tired to go into anything right now, but suffice it to say, I'm not a very happy camper.

Am I this much of a fool to believe?

I suppose I have to sit back and watch a good thing be pissed away. Or maybe it never was a good thing.

Who the hell knows?

men

I don't get 'em.

Period.

bear with me

Seriously.

Ok. I know I told myself this was ridiculous, what was I doing, why am I doing this, how stupid am I??????

Believe me. The amount of self-flagellation. Let's not go there. I'm tired of beating myself up for thinking this could work out. I'm tired of listening to anyone that knows about this (cue my sister) telling me that my thinking of moving and thinking this would work with The Brit etc is insane.

Let's get one thing completely and utterly clear here. I saw the list of office openings back in April. I thought to myself "ohhhh I wonder if I can go to the UK?" back in April. While the whole situation with The Brit is highly convenient, it's not in my reasoning for this possible move. Ok, a teensy bit of it is. A bit of the "what if?". But always always keep in mind the following - I have always wanted to move to the UK.

Everyone, except my sister, but including both The Brit and my dad, see there is no reason why I don't do this. As long as my ducks are all in order.

Um. Yeah. Distance. I understand. There's the issue that we haven't seen each other in 15 years and may not still like each other. Neither of us thinks it to be possible, but it's there, and it might happen. Well, it's not like I'm going to live with the guy. Yes, might live in the same suburb because it seems to be the cheapest place to live, but I'm going there with the idea of renting a house on my own. I'm not moving in with someone that I might not potentially see until November (ok I don't think from conversations that is going to happen, neither of us is particularly happy about the recent events preventing us from seeing each other).

I won't go into details out of respect for The Brit, but we had a good chat today, nice chat, and got a few things straightened out. One of which , the feeling I had that there was a problem, which there is not, and the feeling that this was never going to happen. He assured me that it will eventually, he just needs to get things straightened out with the old job and the new job. Trip to Spain had been planned prior to being made knowledgeable about the layoff, so the timing was very bad in terms of getting himself organized.

And. I'm ok with that.

So in other news, I'm going to an agricultural expo with ladies from the SPCA this weekend at which there will be LINEDANCING classes! (for those not aware, I used to teach line dancing). One of the best Quebec linedance teachers and choreographers, I'm so excited to take a class from him.

You may laugh now.

Then Sunday is the Highland Games, and, well, nothing I like more than accents from over the pond and Men In Kilts, so yowza, let me loose, cuz I need me some caber toss action! Rowr!

I'll see if I can provide some photographic evidence of the cougars hitting on the Men In Kilts. (there's this movie from Canada called Men With Brooms, so we call it Men In Kilts...don't ask)



The Men In Brooms poster.....Paul Gross? HOT. Just sayin' and yes, guess what for those not in the know, Leslie Nielson is a Canadian. And if I did women, I'd lust after Molly Parker (she was in Swingtown which was on one of the big US networks). Check out Deadwood if you ever have the opportunity - it was on HBO and sadly was cancelled before they could end the series......she's in that....






Couple more so you can see the hotness that he is. One from Due South which was on CBS in the 90s for you americans, and just a nice recent one, age has done good things to that man....reer as TD would say.

Apparently I have a type! Dark haired men...with fab smiles...yep.

And that's enough discombobulated crap from me tonight.

I just don't know

I will NOT be having a visitor just yet.

Or maybe ever?

I have no idea.

Job starts in a week and a half, rightly so he doesn't want to travel and rush around, I get that. No problemo.

I just have a bad feeling at the back of my mind, which I can't put a finger on.

As much as it pains me to say, I think I'll be just leaving this one go.

Like I always do, concentrate on me and what I'm doing, and not worry about him or what he's doing, let him figure out why I have disappeared, and we'll just leave it like that.

No surprise on my part. I expected better, but am thinking I won't be getting it.

figures

Haven't spoken to the Brit for any length yet. Tells me tomorrow.

I dunno.

I would have rearranged my stuff to be able to have a convo with him.

Sigh.

More of the usual.

dumb

Delayed flight.

Quick email to say he'd speak to me tomorrow and that he missed me.

Duuh.

I have to stop expecting to be disappointed.

panic

Haven't heard a word.

And I really think that if it was important to him, I would have.

I have a horrible horrible feeling.

maybe crazy.....

So, I'm doing crap around the house. Trying to do some cooking, and trying to do the cleaning, and then I need to tackle the big stuff, room by room.

I'm cleaning-phobic.

I've sold a few things now, I've put my flute up for sale (this is a huge deal, I've avoided it for years, and it's worth alot being a professional instrument). I'm sorting and getting rid....I'm looking at everything as though I *am* moving, I want to simplify. I want to have less crap. I want nothing. It's amazing to me, looking at everything and coming to the realization how little of it really matters to me.

These things I have held onto for years and years and years.

Anyway. That's how my weekend is going.

Can't wait until Monday. The Brit is back and I'm hoping to hear from him. Well, I'm pretty certain I will unless something changed over the past few weeks away. I'm hoping that hasn't happened, and don't feel as though it has.....so fingers crossed!

And I hope to hear from the country manager next week, for the UK. Fingers crossed. Don't know if he already has someone over there in mind.

My stommach is in knots, and yet I'm excited about the prospect.

Back to it.

fear of cleaning

And the countdown begins.

Is it Monday yet? I’ve never looked forward to Monday before now.

Took some stuff to auction yesterday. Put a bunch of things up on Ebay. Lots on Craigslist etc. If nothing else, the prospect of leaving town is making me work towards my goal of less crap.

Who knew that’s all it took? The idea of moving to the UK….wow.

To give you some background, my ex husband moved out of the house 3 years ago after I kicked him out (after I bought him out). He left anything he didn’t want. Which was most of the house. He basically took what was in 1 room of a 7 room house. Left me with everything.

Well, being a single woman with a relatively busy job etc, I have gotten to some of it, but definitely nowhere near everything.

And as a result, I have so much stuff in my house you have no idea.

I have 2 rooms that are purely storage now. It’s ill. It gives me headaches to think about.

In fact, I hate cleaning so it’s daunting and frightening.

I’ve been talking about doing this for so long. Now that I’m thinking of moving elsewhere, the reality hits that I just own too much. I’m not talking furniture, I’m talking purely garbage.

So. You haven’t been hearing me talking about taking many photos because I haven’t. I’m picking my artists sparingly. I need as much $$ as possible for this move, my divorce, my ancestry visa….visits to the UK as needed etc, that I can’t be spending anything (or much). I need to take care of my debts here. Figure out how to rent my house out and who will take care of it for me. Which pets can come with me and which can’t (I pretty much know the small rodents can’t and neither can the turtles).

All of this in the possibility that my company hires me over in the UK. Irregardless of The Brit and whatever happens with him, I think I actually might want to do this.

Am I crazy?

if...

Everyone is asking me questions I don't want to answer, so I'm avoiding people, terrible I know, but this is my little life and I don't want to have to explain it to people. This possibility I have, possibility of love and life change, I don't want anyone harshing this high I'm feeling.

This isn't some guy I met on dating website that lives across the ocean, this is someone I have a past emotional attachment to, and vice versa and have actually spent time with. Damnit, I had to wake him up in the mornings, and due to being married, fight the urge to crawl into bed with him as I was commanded (kept telling me the only way he'd wake up was if I got in with him, the bugger....he has a sense of humor when he's had 3 hours sleep and been up all night drinking, got to give him that, no grumpies there!)

This isn't a stranger.

And I am being cautious. But also, in some ways, caution needs to go to the wind a bit. Am I going to pass up a chance to be happy, for a second time with the same person?

I think I would be ridiculous to dismiss this out of hand.

*I* know what has been said by the both of us, intentions should we get along of the both of us, and I'm not asking anyone for approval. I am 40 years old. I'm doing what I want to do in this situation, and I have never been more certain of what I will do if all goes well.

I am more than willing for him to come here, and conversely, I'll go there. And all the complications associated, we'll figure it out.

If it all goes well that is. If he gets here. I get there. If we are still compatible.

If if if.....

if.......

a new day

So. This will be my first weekend since the Troubled Friend conversation. Should be interesting. Meeting another drama-free friend for dinner, someone we know is playing, then maybe out to visit another friend, or maybe home.

Doing a photo shoot tomorrow for a co-worker who needs promo for his cd/gigs and cover art. Need to find some graffiti...or something like that.....

Oh the things that make life seem so fragile. Horrible accident last night in Montreal, a slab of concrete fell from a hotel and crashed through a glass ceilinged atrium, killing a woman dining with her husband. Life is way too short, and we just have to go for it, you don't have time to waste. Also heard that someone jumped off a hotel downtown this morning, I can't imagine committing suicide....particularly not in that manner, knowing you're about to hit the ground and knowing it's going to hurt like hell.....oh god no.

Dealing with cheap mothers whilst trying to sell my stuff online. I swear to you, one more dumb question.....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Oh my god. Don't offer me $100 for a $350 mower that was used once, cuz guess what? I'm not that desperate!

Trying to keep my mind off The Brit, which, considering I wake up thinking of him daily, is rather difficult.

I'm a sap.

Here's to Brits getting computer time in Spain!

day 3, almost 4

And will I make it to 14? Sigh. I am so not patient.

So I'm working on getting all the documents I need to prove my family 's ancestry in the UK. I figure, regardless of what might happen with The Brit and I, I'm going to do some preparation. I'll get my ancestry visa, so I can just go if I get a job. I'm cleaning and selling some stuff, at a minimum it's a good thing anyway, this place is a freaking disaster.

I've wanted to go twice in my life, maybe this is the time I just need to do it.

Called my elementary school friend (yes, we've kept in touch) who lives there now with her husband who is South African, although she hasn't lived in Canada for about 15 years, and has already lived in the UK once before, I thought it might be good to get an opinion from a foreigner based on the differences of living there as opposed to her. I got both her's and her hubby's and both of them said to me "go for it!" but to make sure I have a job first.

I'm neurotic about having work. Like I'm going elsewhere without one?

Natch of course my friend is very excited that she might actually know someone there, because she and hubby keep majorly to themselves for the most part for financial reasons (long story I won't go into).

I wish that a) the Brit would find a computer (which entails getting off the beach and staying sober for a bit - figured this week would be about sleeping, burning and drinking beer with his brother) 2) that 14 days would go by really quickly.

I want to talk to him!

In other news:

Lost it yesterday and emailed Troubled Friend and said "what the hell?". She called me and proceeded to lie thru her teeth. As long as she doesn't blacklist/badmouth me to people we know, it's all good, because I have backed off she has backed off. It's the horse circling bullshit that bothers me. And what I know she does to people she "de-friends". Nasty nasty.

That's about all I have to report at the moment. I'm off to sing tonight. Fingers crossed that my nemesis doesn't show. I don't need the issues. Not tonight.

And finally,

I'm not insecure about The Brit being elsewhere. I'm not insecure that he's going to meet someone he likes more than me, it hasn't happened in 15 years. I just miss talking to him. I'm such an idiot. Yep.

old children

So he's gone, off to Spain. Got a text this morning, assuming it'll be the last one until he gets back.

Is it possible to miss someone you never actually really see in person? I guess because I do miss him, miss seeing him....

Sigh.

Anyway, got ahold of the right person in terms of jobs in the UK with my company....I'm to contact him when I know what I'm doing, they'll know more what and who they are looking for.

This weekend was.....ridiculous?

My Troubled Friend, she's attempting to circle the wagons, trying to turn public opinion towards herself, and exclude me from everything that has to do with all our friends. I see it, and a few other people see it.

Problem with insecurities, especially in her case, they make you a narcissistic bitch. I said goodbye to everyone on Friday, including her, although not with much enthusiasm, and she apparently flew off the handle when I left, gesturing wildly towards me as I headed out the door.

I wasn't included in a BBQ dinner, everyone else I know was, and it's because of her. I have been assured by many that I have done nothing, that she is consistently deciding people don't have her back, and I happen to be the latest.

I don't play her game. I am not the type to be effusive, to over compliment, to make sure everyone is happy, to make sure everyone is included. I just am. Someone compared me to a fish, ironic considering I'm a pisces, because I'm always swimming to and fro.

It's not that I'm insensitive. It's not that I'm not a good friend. It's just that I'm not the type to go overboard. If people want to join in, well fine....it's ok......or I'll join other people.....but sometimes I don't decide what I'm going to do until the moment it's happening. That's just me.


She's a 43 year old child. So. Rising above, not going to cowtow to her bullshit like everyone else does, I've had enough. I ultimately don't care that I didn't get invited to the bbq, no biggie, what bothers me is how we are all supposed to make sure she knows about everything that's going on, but she purposely excludes me. Child.

Anyway. That's my story. It was a hideous weekend.

She's also trying to steal a guy from another friend of ours. Which is pretty shitty. She's about to lost that friend also.

CHildish bull. At least I've seen her for what she is....but it just makes me ill that it has to come to this. All because I've essentially backed off completely out of self-preservation.

Sigh.

Interpersonal relationships.

UK looks better and better. Because it's not HERE. And this crap isn't there.

Anyway, that was my weekend in a nutshell. Nice eh?

and so it goes

I'm sorta proud of the Brit.

He got his job. With a big US firm, he doesn't know what they do, but I do, they are a big deal, aerospace... (strange aside, their Canadian office is in the building next door to where I work).

Talked to him today, called while he was at the pub with people from old work, on his last day. Actually, I had called earlier and got told "um...I have to go, they're standing around my desk....." ROFL.....

Nineteen years with the same company, and he got the second job he interviewed for. Yeah. I'm super happy for him, he sounds relieved, a week ago he sounded stressed out. It's a big weight off his shoulders.

The visit is still pending, he doesn't know his start date, but they are aware he's away for 2 weeks and think he needs to give notice....and so notice apparently consists of coming to Canada for a bit :)

Hopefully he says. Hopefully I say.

My company is opening an office over in UK. I looked into finding out what jobs they'll be hiring for, hit a large roadblock, they won't spend money on getting permits for foreigners yadda yadda.

Except, they don't have to in my case. That shut them up, and now they're looking into it. Figure I may as well be proactive. You never do know.

I really am happy. I loved hearing him smile on the other end of the phone. I'm good for now.

and time goes on

Sigh.

I don't even know if August is happening. Sigh. Dammitall. CRAP!

He thinks he'll be offered a new job tomorrow, and will take it. DAMMITTTTTTALLLLLLLLL!

I know. It's selfish of me. I am well aware. No matter what he needs a job. But I wanted him to come visit meeee, because if I go over there, he'll be working during the day. I can at least take time off for his visit, so we can actually spend some time together.

Big assed sigh.

Sorry, I've waited 15 years for this. I want it to happen. Just to see. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?". I have already done alot of that in respect to the Brit in the past. Believe me when I tell you that during my marriage, this was a thought in my mind, what would have happened if I'd left my ex and moved to the UK to be with the Brit?

This has to happen. We have to get together.

Of course, all of the above intensity cannot come across in our communications, I'm sure it comes off as desperation.

He had given up. You guys are well aware I had given up. We'd be idiots to not try.

Then there's that logistical issue. I own a house, have a good job, and most importantly have 15 pets.

He will probably have a job, has a house, and is very close to his family.

If this works out, who makes a move?

I can live and work in the UK with a simple visa....(I don't need a work permit there), and he can't work here without a permit. And then there's the french issue.

My house is big enough for a family. His is big enough for one person. Two if you squeeze.

Cost of living is not too terrible here. It's insane over there.

Jobs aren't horrible here, they're tough to come by over there, even in my industry, especially at my salary range (I've checked already....oh shut up!)

Yep. We haven't even re-met yet and this crap is running through my brain keeping me up at night among other things that need to get straightened out (um, my divorce, taxes, and there's something else I can't remember). I can't sell this place and clear my debt unless I get things like the kitchen done. I have stuff to pay. Money to save.

I am so good at freaking myself out aren't I?

Well part of the clean up is going to occur this weekend, I'm doing a garage sale Saturday morning I've decided, get rid of some of the shit I've had around my house forever. Enough already.

I'm going for a nice long power walk/run.......I need to clear my head, and I think well when I'm walking......

tales of the long distance .....

yeah what do I call it exactly!!?!?!?!?! Relationship? Friendship? Ugh.

So, this week we're both busy. I'm busy, he's busy, working early, then working late at night, because of job interviews. I'm kinda hoping he doesn't get a job so he can come visit, he doesn't seem very pleased about what's on offer, however is thrilled he's getting interviews. He's hoping to come over here for at least a week....

Anyway. This week we're busy, and then he's gone to Spain for 2 weeks. So I mentioned that we won't speak except by email for almost 3 weeks and got told "god that's ages!" Yep. Ages. Sigh.

Worked at the SPCA yesterday, we seized animals.....90 rats, 3 rabbits....me soooooooooo tired,,,,,

Anyway, still finding this hard. The little insecurity bug keeps periodically biting me when I don't get answers as quickly as I'd like, which is freaking ridiculous, and generally stupid.

Add all this to work, where I'm considering pulling out someone else's hair because I don't have enough to lose, and there you have where I am this week!

panic

Ok I have to stop freaking myself out.

Everything is fine. I just need to deal with distance and time and I'm being a total dolt.

All it took was a simple text message:

"Miss you"

Let's have a collective "awwwwwwwwww" shall we?

Headaches abound, yeehaw, lucky me.....it's the weather, have a few photography things, but not all are panning out and that's just the way it is at the moment.

Festivals by the tonne.

And that's about all I have at the moment.

note to self

Don't dream.

It just never does come true.

hard

This is really very hard.

I'm here. The Brit is there.

And it'll be August before he makes it here.

Although technology is on our side, it's hard to coordinate without one or the other being inconvenienced.

He's ill at the moment, so going to bed early. Which means before I'm home from work. By the time I'm up in the morning, he's at work. Weekends, we're both respectively busy so we end up on the webcam late for him, talked til 5 am his time one night....poor thing is tired, but won't let me get up early to talk to him.

Bit of a gentleman.

It's barely July, which is a long month, and it'll be even longer waiting.

Man.

I need to learn patience. This has been years in the making.

it's like a heatwave

Ok it's not like one, it is one. It was FOUL today. It's currently 26C and it's 12:30 am - relative humidity is 70%. Disgusting.

The Brit won't like this at all.....oh well....

Was just out for an hour walk, have to start training again, had planned on being able to do a half marathon by the end of the summer however, with the knee thing in the winter, that just ain't happening, I have to get my ass in gear and get back to running again. Strangely enough The Brit is doing the same thing right now, same goal I have, although he's already run a half marathon. These 2 chubsters.....hey whatever works.

As a result, I could essentially sleep standing at this point. My god.

The Brit is having a rough time, I find men, generally, are so tied to their jobs as a source of pride, of who they are, more so then women, losing a job after such a long time, he's sort of at a loss. What isn't helping is that he was telling me in the paper this weekend was an article about how 1 posting at McD's got 300 applications.

I'm going to sit here and offer up a something to whatever that Canada hasn't been hit half as badly as other countries. Employers are using the economic downturn because they're assholes, but it really isn't that bad. I know because I'm seeing what comes in import-wise, which generally means that we consumers are buying.

I feel bad for him. I'm not sure I'd know what to do after 19 years. He does have a decent buffer though.

The visit will only actually occur in August as it stands, he's got a few weeks away with his family, and needs to deal with tax issues before he can go anywhere, but has investigated flights already. So did I. Gulp. 'Spensive. *worries he won't come to town*

I do have access to stand by tickets. I have to remember that.

Anyway, I'm even bored by myself right now, I'm tired, hot, sticky, and gross, and need some zzzz's.....

laterzzz

brain on vacation

It is currently HERE (see the big red dot of London, with an emphasis on the towns near Heathrow.....):

I am an idiot. Or have been reduced to one.

Other than time spent smiling like an ass, had a decent weekend.

Gig on Friday night and if it wasn't for copyright issues I'd post a photo of myself from then, but it's not my photo (and I don't want to out myself really). Troubled Friend turned up, and glared at myself and other friends most of the night, and also had the BALLS to complain to our mutual friend that she hadn't taken any photos of her. Um, who does that? My life has been much simpler and less stressful since I've backed off from that relationship, let me tell you. Except it has spread, it's everyone that knows her just about. But everyone is too afraid to say anything to her. I feel an intervention coming on!

My gig was very early, but post-gig I was home rather early also. Sooooo tired. Spent most of Saturday snoozing and some cleaning (I have about 4 weeks to get my place ship shape). Then dinner with my friend, avoiding having to tell Troubled Friend about it (god we're shifty), went down to a place in Chinatown and it was completely amazing, fantastic actually! I needed to be home rather early, because I had an appointment with a web cam.....turned out he was late home from his other job (which he does for fun and profit like I do photography), and I got to see the sunrise in London, England. How amazing is that?

Between being able to actually speak to each other on a web cam, and actually see things like a sunrise in another country entirely, the technology is amazing me. I get text messages from him during the day (oh the meltage at "hi gorgeous", god I'm such an easy woman), and I respond, within seconds I've got a response from a place across the Atlantic. Totally amazing.

Sunday I spent at the SPCA, of course, boy is the place packed, and I received 4 animals yesterday. Spent the afternoon on my feet, was exhausted. Was supposed to go to a BBQ but truthfully, Troubled Friend was in attendance, and I didn't want to see her, and her "look at meeeeee!!!!" ways. Always needs to be about her. So I stayed in, I was exhausted, fell asleep at the computer. Edited photos (still very behind) and was getting texts and eventually instant messages from.....oh what am I going to call him?.....my friend in the UK while he was at his parents place for father's day.

All in all, I was able to rest and relax, which is something I have not done alot of recently. Phew!

Ok back to day dreaming....

ring ring

Nothing like your phone at work ringing for the first time of the day....seeing the number and quickly realizing that it's from UK (which considering I do international transportation isn't out of the question).

It's him. Calling to wish me a good gig tonight and wanting to hear me.

Meltage.

For a woman that doesn't do girly very well, I'm managing.

so here we go

I would like everyone to note a few things.

I am the one that poo poohs the idea of long distance relationships. In fact gives people crap for even considering the idea. It's crazy, it's probably heart-wrenching....I mean what the hell???? Why would you do that to yourself?

I am the person who sits when a male character in a movie says something to the effect of "you're beautiful" and makes gagging sounds and simulates throwing up. Yep. Totally classy b*tch I am!

I am the one without an inch of romance in her body. In fact it makes me cringe completely.

I am the one that hears those stories of long lost love and goes "oh god, puhleezeeeeee!!!!!"

Yeah.

So. One then ponders what the HELL I am thinking doing what I'm doing, planning to speak online (ooo we've both managed how to get voice working, this is going to be a fun talk!), trying to fit it in when it's not too late for him and not too early for me, the one sitting at work getting emails that say "I'm thinking about you" and "why didn't I kiss you back then again?" and melting like a complete idiot. Giggling at the text messages that arrive in seconds from across the pond, who knew back in 1994 (it's not 18 years ago it's 15 years ago) that this would be at all possible?

I can certainly get used to hearing someone tell me I'm beautiful (for those of you that have seen photos of me, while I'm cute, I'm no freaking beauty queen, but eye of the beholder et al).

Ungh. The bizarrity of this whole situation hasn't settled for me, him neither probably.....

And so one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, figure out what hell, spend some time together in person, and decide what to do at that point.

Patience is a virtue. A virtue I do NOT have in spades...well I do sometimes, and other times not. Right now? Not.

Bear with me. I'm just getting my head around this whole situation. I'll stop talking about it shortly I'm sure....

GACK!

ummm hello????

Hey there.

Blithering idiot coming to you from Canada......

Holy crap what am I doing? I'm making visit/travel plans with someone I have only had minor contact with in the past 15-18 years (I really can't remember when I took that course and can't find my tickets etc for it either so that I CAN remember)

You, dear readers, all 5 of you, are going to bear the brunt of this experience with me, because in reality, with exception of 2 people, I can't tell anyone about this for fear of being considered completely out of my gourd.

Which I am, but hey.

It's like the 15-18 years never happened. Absolutely amazing.

I am going to have to manage to explain him when he comes to visit this summer, but, I'll deal with that then. Close friends have heard about the guy from England from my class before, but wouldn't believe me that this is him.

He and I have agreed, this is the stangest, most bizarre situation ever, but my, the possibilities.

I am remembering why I liked this guy, and vice versa. Amazing how with internet it is so easy to try and get to know him again. That I can see from across the Atlantic his facial expressions when I write something, watching him laugh his ass off at something I've told him or said.

Totally different from the letters that used to go back and forth. Which I can't find. Along with our class photo from back then. I hid them from my ex husband, problem being, where?

I think I'll look while I am cleaning for his visit. Look where I have absolutely no clue. I love it when I put things away for safe keeping. I never find them again!

Yep. A visit is in the works. Call me crazy. Call the two of us crazy, or maybe, like TD said previously, maybe this is the way things were supposed to go. Maybe we were supposed to go our separate ways, me to my husband, him to his life where he never did marry ever or have kids, never found anyone that made him want to do that. His words are that he has pretty much given up on that thought. But maybe he should move to Canada? Hehehehe. Comedian.

Well. It'll be an adventure. He's lovely, funny, and downright adorable...how can I say no?

My airline rep gets a hug from me tomorrow for reconnecting us.....

one word

Tabernac.

(I don't mean that in a religious way, it's just what comes to mind right now)

man this world is small part deux

Ok well an hour and a bit of chat...

Many things revealed.

Amongst those, were that if I hadn't been married I would have followed him to London.

And him that he would have loved for me to follow him to London.

Makes you wonder "what if?" doesn't it?

man this world is small

So a million years ago (ok 18) I worked for the German national airline, in freight.

I went on a cargo accounting course at our training center in Germany, I think it was my 4th time there. These courses could be neat, you have people from all over the world attending them, sometimes you get good co-course attenders and sometimes not so much.

One thing was for sure, the Canadians, Brits, Aussies, South Africans and Americans always hung together, and got along like crazy. If you had a class of the above, or at least a few people in different classes from those countries, you were guaranteed of a drunken good time after class (and into the wee hours).

In my class was this guy from our London office. He was shorter then me, but totally cute, dark hair & blue eyes. And we got on like a house on fire.

Now. I got married in March that year, so a few months prior, now, nothing happened with the guy from London, but we spent the entire week together, were inseparable, got along so well, so much in common, and he stayed overnight in Germany on Friday when he didn't have to (he was only an hour's flight away London to Frankfurt), accompanied me to the airport for my flight in the morning, saw me to my gate gave me a good long hug and a kiss on the cheek good-bye, and I cried on my flight back to Montreal.

We tried keeping in touch, but I got laid off from the airline, and internet wasn't common at the time, we wrote for a while, but it died off as it does when people get busy.

I've thought about him over the years. He has popped into my mind. Wished I'd gone on that course before I had gotten married, I suspect that things may have been very different, he had a brother that lived in Toronto at the time, came to Montreal to ski at Tremblant, but I had a husband, and well, that was just the way it was.

Fast forward to March this year. I was talking to my new sales representative from the airline in question, who is located over in Toronto, he has a British accent, so I asked him if he had worked for the airline in London, UK. He said yes, he took a transfer over to Canada instead of being made redundant, he'd been with them for about 20 years. So I asked if he knew my friend from my course, to which I was told of course he did, he was a good friend! Apparently on a sick leave, but my rep said I should contact him.

Last week the rep called to say he would be in Montreal this week and could he come by. Totally reminded me about my London friend, so I emailed this morning. Wow. Like we had never stopped talking. Turns out he's being laid-off shortly (also after 20 or so years), but was planning on coming over here this summer (and I've been thinking of visiting my friend in London this summer also, haven't been over there in years).

He's adding me to his FB later tonight........I'm sort of curious to see what he looks like. He remembered me immediately. He's almost as excited to hear from me as I was to hear back. And vowed that we are never to lose touch again.

I feel like I'm 12, how stupid is that? But this is a guy that has never, ever left my mind, ever, I've thought about him alot....and I mean, alot. Which is probably super strange, but we had an instant kinship that was unbelievable...

I am sooooo happy about this, and it's ridiculous, however, I can't even explain that week in Germany to you, I've never understood it, and 18 years later I still can't understand it, but I am really pleased to be in contact again with this guy....

Our world is so incredibly small, it completely amazes me.