are we done yet?

Goddamned Christmas is gone, #10 or 11 alone, I can't recall. Misery, I had to stay away from Facebook for a few days, I was ranty, everyone was gloatingly happy and shiny.

Now the next hurdle, New Year. No matter how I try, make plans, go through with the plans, I end up crying at the end of the night while I watch the couples around me. And crabby. And nasty.

I'm tired. I don't want to make any efforts for other people. I just want to hide away in my little hole, but yet I force myself. Which is, frankly, hell. But I force myself.

Ever have one of those regretful days?

When you regret every word that comes out of your mouth, flying from your fingers, every decision made, every choice?

I'm having a day like that.

I can't even list out what I regret today. Number one currently though is not doing what I wanted to and moving. I should have left town. Now it's a double regret. 20 years ago I didn't and then a year ago I didn't. Both had their own situations. I had my reasons for both. But I'm still here and I still don't want to be, but at this point, I'm too damned tired and too damned old to make that move. I don't have it in me. So, I'll just be regretful.

I regret getting married. I regret the guy after my marriage. I pretty much regret any man post marriage, period. With exception of probably one, who was a nothing more than sex man, but for whatever reason I don't understand sought me out to keep in touch with me a year or so after I disappeared from his life (my life was mixed up and pretty much shit at the time, I so did him a favor). It will never be anything, but I don't regret him, nor was he a bad experience to me at all. And he's a nice enough dude, with exception of reminding me of the good things about my ex husband, which is semi-creepy and ok at the same time. Again, nothing there.

I just feel lost. Again. I can't keep hold of anything in my life. My house is a mess, my job is chaos, I have no desire to see most of my friends because they're driving me insane, I can't stand anything right now.

Am I depressed? No. I think I see yet another year coming to a close, end result the same, nothing changes, superficially it does, but deep down, I'm in the same rut I was last year at this time, just considerably more unencumbered (last year was hell). Each year should get better, I make the effort for it to get better, but it doesn't, the shit just continues. My bad luck, karma, whatever it may be. I have no clue anymore.

I know nothing anymore. No pill will cure this, no person will help it, it's up to me, and I just no longer have the energy to bother.

people

I don't understand why people float in and out of our lives. Are they there to teach us some sort of a lesson?

I have so many examples that would take way too long to explain. When it comes to men, a friend has a theory that I'm the backburner girl, that's why they return. No man that I actually like is focused on me, more so on themselves. In some cases I can see that possibly, but in others no.

There are people I feel have left me with no lessons whatsoever. Friends that are no longer friends, men that are no longer prospects (well really none of them can be called prospects...they either like me to the point i really want nothing to do with them or I have interest and theirs in me is incredibly minimal, never any common ground there).

What's their purpose? I fail to see it. That I pick the wrong people as boyfriend prospects and friends? Well...enough already. Universe, how about proving to me that people aren't crazy or just plain horrible??? How would that be for a change? Because honestly, all that's proven to me day after day in my dating life is that either I'm not worthy or they're not worthy. In terms of friendships, I'm sent people who are broken that I don't want to help fix...and so I shoo them away.

The point? I have no idea.

I sometimes wonder if my last day on earth will be filled with the following. Why?

I understand none of it.

what to do

I don't see the point to this blog anymore. I no longer come on here and write anything and if I do it's only to vent and whine.

And recently anyway, I'm so disjointed nothing will make an ounce of sense anyway.

Why bother?

long overdue ramblings

Well hello world. I've neglected this poor blog, and probably, truthfully, I shouldn't.

Instead of blogging, I've been overburdening an internety/bloggy/facebooky friend, who really, has more than enough of her own issues to deal with. Thing is, I think perhaps because we are equally overthinkey...she manages to make sense to me. Unusual. And she's really good on analyzing the men. Excellent. For which I thank her profusely. Because I am SO not!

It's a busy world out there. I'm working a lot. I'm internet meeting men, but that's not going so fantastically, I don't think. I don't know. I met one in person yesterday, but he's now got a friend visiting from out of town, so I won't hear from him as much for the next couple days, so I'm not sure how that went. Well on his end.

Oh yeah, note that I'm a bit drunk. I'm helping a friend of mine with some empty wine bottles for some vino he's making. Um. Yeah. Helping as in drinking them til they're empty.

My house is a mess, I need a cleaning lady, I need a maid, I need someone to keep me organized. I am useless.

Work makes me wonder if I'm even remotely capable...I live in wonderment that I am actually in this job and that I'm trusted to do it. I'm amazed.

Photography has slowed incredibly. I've had no time. I'm exhausted.

And well. That's it pretty much. There's alot going on in my head, my self esteem is still taking a hit here and there, sadly related to men, and I'm trying to correct that. I know fully well that I don't need a man in my life, but dammit, I really do want one. My lonelies are hard to deal with.

Oh life. How it plays with me.

welcome to the complaint department.

Well this is another blog submission in which I complain. Which, face it, has to be why you keep coming back because god knows I'm so fucking good at it.

And swearing. I excel at swearing :D

So today I decided it was the day that I was going to ask a dude to go out with me and he said no. It's a thing I was given for work, to a sports event, I have absolutely no courage in the men regard and was all prepared, then forgot, then had to do it via text, then got shot down.

Am I blind? Am I unable to tell if someone is flirting with me? Am I just the fat girl no one wants?

Well no one that I would want wants me, this I now for absolute certain!

For all the "you're greats" and "you're fabulous" comment, and all the "you're single?" comments, the fact remains that indeed I am.

And I'm now officially tired of it.

so this experience has slapped me down rather nicely and I will certainly never do that again, this I can tell you for free.

I'm done again. I can't do this anymore. I can't be someone's crutch.

one more notice of "so & so is now in a relationship with bla bla bla" and I scream.

K?

7 years alone & counting. 7. 7.

Shoot me.

Canadian, Please

In honor of Canada Day, I present you with this :)

feelin' the heat

So we're roasting here. Hello Montreal. No middle ground, just freezing your ass off in winter & drowning in snow, or dying in heat & humidity (it was the equivalent to 104F yesterday here with 70% humidity in case you Yanks don't get the 40C sitch). I think that rivals the weather in bloody Vietnam or something. Just gross.

It's festival season, I do not like shooting music festivals, so I have 3 band/singer songwriter interviews lined up for the next week. Fun fun.

The below post was premature. I can't go into anything really, because truthfully, I never want him to find this & be embarrassed by it. So really, all I can say is, I enjoy him, he enjoys me, nothing other than getting to know each other is happening (not that we wouldn't want more to happen but for certain reasons that's not possible) and I am waiting very impatiently. But I am thinking it just might be worth it :) which would be really nice.

We're hanging tomorrow night. Going to take some pictures. Should be good. We always enjoy time spent together.

Work is somewhat akin to insanity currently, I have more work then I know how to deal with, I don't think I can realistically stay at work as long as I should need to in order to accomplish everything I have to do, but I still like it, so a;ll of that is moot. One day at a time.

Essentially one day at a time is my mantra. For work, for him, for life.

rewind

I am so out of practice with this stuff. I'd forgotten, or maybe I never knew, that one has to open up and talk to people in order to get things out in the open and solved.

Thankfully, I'm dealing with someone that is an excellent communicator and does't sugar coat anything (ie no lies. really. not even if something would hurt me).

So. Things seem to be making some progress. There's nothing going on (literally) but everything all at that same time. It feels ok.

See. I knew this would happen. I would upset myself. Again. As I do every time someone is of interest to me.

I can't solve his issues, I can't force him to do what he wants to and is too afraid to do. I can't make anything happen in any timeline, especially not mine.

So it's time to give up. Back off entirely. Forget about it. Forget about him. Because it's not giving me what I want.

Not that I'll get what I want anyway. But whatever. That's for another post. Or not. Whatever the case may be.

I'm so sad. So so so so sad.

call me little miss neglectful

I know. I'm never around anymore.

Quick run down of the insanity I call a life -

- Job - I love it but dammit I'm busy & I could frankly live at work

- Photography, not doing as much as in the past, but trying.

- dudes - well, I don't ever want this guy to find this & kill me, so I'll abstain from commentary other than, I really like this guy & it's not as bad as I thought (his situation that is).

- Pets are all happy.

that's it for now, I promise to write something more detailed later this week.

I hate my neighbors. And I hate their Demon Spawn.

2am woken by screeching. One of the horrid children. Now I'm awake, it's 4 am, I'm waiting for dye release on my henna, because I might as well do my hair while I'm awake and it needs doing.

Joy. I have a huge meeting and lots of work to do tomorrow (today). Naturally.

Umm. My little friend from my last post? Well, I've found out more info on the subject, it's not as bad as I thought, and well, we're just getting to know each other I guess. Nothing more. He's got to do what he has to do & I enjoy him. So, that's how it is. He enjoys me too. That much is obvious.

So we'll see what happens there. All I know is I love hearing from him & talking with him :)

Otherwise I'm incredibly overwhelmed at work. I'm not sure what in hell I'm doing half the time, there's way more work than there is time in a day. I'm doing what I can.

what am I doing?

Ok I'll preface this with - I know I shouldn't do this I am setting myself up for a huge fall. I know.

Back up a bit. I'm on the tweet thing for my photography. I'm not going to explain it, but it's gotten me a lot of exposure with the bands & the PR companies & record labels.

I've also done alot of networking with local photogs - one in particular I meet at alot of the shows.

Anyway she knows another part-time photog & apparently he & I are very much alike. So she's been telling us we need to meet. Like, repeatedly. Well finally, we were supposed to meet at a thing, but ended up inadvertently meeting a few days earlier at a photography thing. Talked when we realized who each other were, nice guy, walked me out and off we went knowing we'd see each other again later in the week.

Met at the thing, had a blast, were both taking photos, person who wanted us to meet was dead chuffed we got along like she said we would. He took off early, but he also works early, knew we'd run into each other later on.

Got added on the evil FB, chatted etc etc. Were at another thing in common the other day, where, for the first time (this is after sending me many msgs), I find out he has a girlfriend (he made sure I knew, said it to someone else in my earshot). Live in one. For god's sake. I get the drift it's not happy, but .... geeeez.

Well. I know I shouldn't but I'm continuing to message back & forth with him. He usually initiates, it's alot about photography, but it's sort of teasingly flirtatious (he's french, I'm lucky I can flirt in english so take that for what it's worth).

Why oh fucking hell why is someone I actually get along with, have alot in common with, why is he goddamned taken??????????? GAH!!! We chatted for HOURS the other day, I just don't know what in hell to think anymore.

Is it me choosing these unavailable people? I mean is this what I give off? God knows, all the last dates I have had were men who essentially, for lack of a better way to put it, said they would sleep with me but that I wasn't good enough for a relationship in their eyes.

I know I need my independence, but I do want someone just on the side? well no, I'm a pretty serious girl, who will make time for the right person.

I don't want to be someone's bit on the side.

But I can feel it. Looking forward to his messages. Tonight he popped up on chat (I'm glued to my computer trying to get my backlog of photos taken care of). I feel my stommach flip. It's stupid and I'm really setting myself up for a fall, I know it, but I think he's a nice guy!!!

And he's so totally not my type to boot.

What the hell am I doing?

I'm not thinking, that's for sure....

last night's post was brought by angst & disappointment.

Not has changed today, but it's a bit brighter because the sun is out.

Talk to me when it goes down. :)

my life recently in bullet form

Yes. I am that busy.

- I have to go to a baby shower this afternoon, pretend that I don't know who the father is and listen to women ooing and cooing over baby shit. I hate these things. My uterus wants to curl up & die every time.

- My dating life sucks shit, yet another pointless date in which the guy totally expresses interest after a great time had by all, then sleeps on it and decides he probably only thought I was good to sleep with (I didn't but in future I mean) but not long terms so fuckit. I don't really think I give that off seeing as I expressly make sure they know I'm not into that sort of thing, but geezus christ that's probably the 3rd time this has happened in exactly that way. Fuckit, no more. I can't be bothered with this garbage, I hate it to start with and every date makes me hate it more and want to curl up and hide from the opposite sex. I am not made for dating. I do give up. Done. Just have my little crushes and admire from afar, no more "effort" (it can't be called that because I truly do date lazily anyway, no effort expended).

- The website I shoot for folded. Yep, back to the drawing board. And it folded because there was an internal coup, 3 or so guys opened their own website and took all the contacts for PR press etc with them. I hate people. I don't have faith in other human beings anymore. I'll be starting a photo/interview/review blog in an effort to go out on my own in that regard. REgistered the domain, have a website in the works, but, you know all my spare time & such....

- Obviously you've all heard about what has happened in Japan, I work for a Japanese company, head office in Tokyo, and this has both impacted our work because of damage to offices etc, but there's going to be human damage that no one is discussing & it upset me to think about. We had a Sendai office. Were our employees on the 4 missing trains? I have no idea and it makes me sick to the stommach to think about it.

Ok I have to go buy something for the baby in question at this shower I really don't want to go to.

This is one of those moments I wish I didn't know people that procreate.

yeah yeah yeah

I'm still alive. I'm just busy. I have a date at 9 am on a Sunday, I think that indicates just how busy I am no????

New job has me completely wiped out, I'm pretty much only doing that & shooting shows, I don't have a lot of time for anything else.

On which note, shower, so I don't kill the guy I'm meeting.

god I do things last minute.

status quo

Still busy

Still photographing

Still lonely as hell (aka still single)

Still working

That's about it. Write more when I have the energy.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Warning. There will be swearing below.

Motherfuckinggod I have a hell of a lot of editing to do & 2 interviews to transcribe and then write about.

Not to mention, I started my new job on Monday.

One of my former employees jumped up & down when she discovered I would be her new boss, the other one's mood has vastly improved apparently. And the people I don't know seem really pleased. It's a really good thing :)

But the mess left by the guy they canned on Monday is something else, and I'm very overwhelmed by what's going on. But it's ok, I'll figure it all out, I know I will! The employees in general will keep me going, their smiles say it all, because there were none before!

***********

So in the past 5 days I've interviewed 2 bands & photographed 8. Done editing for 2, working on editing for 3, editing for others "manana baby".

I am insane.

But then that's it until Brad Paisley. Please keep your fingies crossed that Brad's people are progressive enough to allow web photographers. Puhleeeze, I want this so bad I can frigging taste it. I'm a total country music bumpkin, and Brad Paisley is king of my country world. Shooting him would be phenomenal.

Back to editing. I love you all, but trying to write comments...well they come out dumb. And then I feel dumb. And well....when I'm less tired k?

PS - I totally finished the house and the locks are changed and that's done. Took me til 2 am Monday night and I had 4 hours sleep before my 2nd day at the new job, but it's done. New life, feel free to begin now.

PPS - the guy checks in with me daily, haven't seen him again yet, but shortly he tells me. He should stop working so much!

updates & crap

So yeah, the date - I've heard from him here and there, I thought my schedule was horrid, this dude's is worse (he said to me "told you" - I really didn't think anyone had a busier schedule than me - just ask Techno. He does. And well, 2 weekends in a row working. As well as working til 10 at night. We may never actually see each other again! But he has made it a point to get in touch with me, so that was *my* point.

_____________


I start back to work on Monday.

Why don't I tell you all the bullshit that went down?

Way back early summer, I had made a complaint at work. See, our director in my office (my boss, take note, was in Toronto, not Montreal) was having a wham bam thank you ma'am affair with the young HR person in our office.

Let me think for a sec. Director + HR = total huge monstrous conflict of interest. Info she has should not get to him & vice versa.

Now this affair has been going on for a while, but it had been stepped up to the point that the mid 50s director was behaving like a 14 year old high school boy with his first crush. It was ridiculous.

The entire office was talking about it, manager meetings were a HR person-palooza, she was the only one he spoke to, referred to, it wasn't only me that noticed.

But I was the only one with enough balls to complain.

So I did.

Nothing happened. Her boss came and told me that there's always talk when 2 people of the opposite sex are friends.

Yeah.

Note they go for lunch daily, they take multiple smoke breaks a day, he will actually leave a work related discussion because she texts him it's time, or she'll stand at his door with a "why aren't you ready" look on her face when having a discussion. If she was off, he managed to *cough**cough* be sick (and then I'd see him driving on the 40 in the direction of her home, considering his was in the complete opposite). I caught them in the parking garage in the basement as had others, sitting in his car in the parking lot, they were seen on weekends, if he wasn't able to be found, he was in her office or smoking with her.

Ridiculous behavior, and frankly, he was also not doing his job, getting nothing accomplished at all and getting angry when he wasn't kept in the loop about projects etc.

Note that nothing happened. They weren't even spoken to.

Another note, this is a huge American company that is run by it's legal department. Hrmmmm.

Fast- forward to July when a person with the same title as myself was hired in the Toronto office, the director & I were to have to work closely together - I was now only Eastern Canada not the whole of Canada. I informed my boss nothing had changed and unless something did, this would be impossible.

Yeah well. He had to make yet another complaint, and the shit hit the fan. Because MY BOSS told the director that it was me. So he knew, and the HR witch knew.

Nice one.

So I was being harassed by the director. Verbally, ignored, oh it wasn't pretty. I ended up being admitted to hospital for excessive blood pressure, and told to change jobs. Yeah Mr Doctor. Note I'm on blood pressure meds because I have issues due to heredity. Next day my own doctor who said the same about the job and gave me Ativan.

I had to take Ativan to go into that job.

HR Director showed with my boss one day, to discuss the harrassment (FINALLY! they were doing *something*) made things bearable with the director, but obviously my boss was biased (he's know the director for 35 years and is a friend) and they didn't believe me. Until another manager had a chat with the HR director and told her everything I said was true. And that it was stressful working under these circumstances.

But all of this "investigation" aside, I thought that they were going to try to get rid of me, it would take some time, but they'd manufacture something. I don't believe that legal ever heard of any of these complaints, from the affair to the harassment, I think it was all covered up nationally (legal is in the US).

Naturally, I could care less at this point about the job. But I will always do what I have to, but I had one eye on the jobs lists and another on what was happening around me.

Then it happened, the HR bitch found something she could pretend was a problem, manufacture a complaint concerning myself and another manager. The other manager had NOTHING to do with it, he told all the other managers this, and that it was retribution for the whole affair complaint. When they first interviewed me for it, I knew, I packed everything in my office up that was mine save for my tea & mugs etc, got it all home, and waited.

Meanwhile, I had contacted my former employer, I knew they were having issues in the office I used to work in, they had wanted me to be branch manager, but I had been at the other company too short a time at that point, so I had said no. I offered to go fill that position if they were looking to replace the current person. I was fairly certain they were going to take me up on it. Actually very confident (and they did).

So one day, I was asked to the HR bitch's office, and there were my boss and the HR director to get rid of me "legal decision" they said (more like they were afraid of me suing them) - I laughed in their faces told them they better have made it worth it. They did. Because you can get rid of anyone at any time as long as the price is right (yey Canada).

If I didn't already have the other job, I would have sued their asses off and made about 18 months of salary according to my lawyer, but I'm afraid with a job at a higher salary etc, it wasn't worth it.

Honestly, with the move etc, they did me a huge favor. I've had over a month and a half off, it's been wonderful, I'm relaxed, and I'm looking forward to going back to the other company, because I had just been told by some of my former employees how much they missed me, and for a company that never rehires someone that has left voluntarily, they hired me back first chance.

I am most disappointed in the employer who touts themselves as one of the best businesses to work for in Canada & the USA, but that burns their management out, screws their employees out of decent wages, and gets rid of anyone that might not agree with everything that's done, but hides it all from their legal department. Guaranteed, HR USA & legal don't know the half of it. I left there with 85 hours of time owed to me, that I had worked in overtime for them.

But I'm very pleased to be going back to work for this other company. I'll be treated with respect, the home country's entire culture is based on respect and they never treated me with anything but. Which is more than I ever got from that "wonderful" American company.

post-date

So I had the date.

He's adorable. Very cute. And seemingly liked me. I liked him. Very much. We talked for hours, under the guise of "watching a movie" - which I'll have to re-watch because we talked through the whole thing.

Is he a player, just floating around and dating anyone/anything? Could be. What's going to come of this? I have no clue.

Sigh. I have no idea anymore. I am so bad at this. And I freak when I don't get contacted back and I second guess myself constantly. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

wee!

I have a date tonight. And I'm excited about it.



I'll leave a pause for effect. Because I'm never excited about it.

And that's all this girl is saying at this point!

house hell

I'm almost finished the house cleanage.

Yes. Applaud. I deserve it.

Although I really don't hate him, as I throw things out, I curse my ex husband, and dislike him just a little bit more each and every time I have to haul a garbage bag full of his shit to the curb. The things I've thrown away. I feel bad, but I no longer have time or patience to not just pitch it all.

As soon as it's done, I can really rest.

And I can't wait.

it is what it is

Went to my comedy show last night with my friend. We had a great time, many laughs, best New Year I've spent in a long time.

Problem is.

I woke up this morning, still alone in bed except for a cat and a dog, still unhappy with my location, with a migraine, still feeling like the failure I sometimes feel like.

The flip of a page on a calendar does nothing to assuage the damage the past year has done to my psyche.

It's still there, I'm still surrounded by people but lonely in a way that hurts me to the very core, still missing my grannie and dreading the anniversary of her death, still moving out of that house.

Sometimes I don't feel like I remotely move forward. And I guess I don't.