happy?

Well. I'm not.

Am currently struggling.

It's my godforsaken birthday tomorrow. While the number doesn't offend me, what I have lacked in accomplishment, where I am is what does.

Single at 41. Yey. Just how I wanted it to be. Not. Have met one person a year of interest to me for the past 5 years. None of it went anywhere, except leaving me heartbroken (current situation unknown, but don't worry, I expect it to lead absolutely nowhere as well).

I won't get that call or that card from my grannie for the first time in 40 years.

I have to work.

I'm so near tears all the time right now. You don't realize how much someone is intertwined in your life until they aren't around anymore. It's really come home to roost to me in the past month.

If I didn't have the photography to fill a void, I don't know what I would do. Probably end up crying endlessly all the time.

Happy happy.

Soundtrack: Canada/USA gold medal game, Olympics Vancouver 2010

I know I know I know!!!!

I have neglected this poor darling of a blog in a serious manner.

Seriously.

Serious.

ANYWAY....

I've been up, I've been down, I'm all mixed up, I'm not sure what end is up, and I'm busy as hell to boot.

Shocking I know. Me. Busy.

Check out www.focusmag.ca - I am now photographing for them. Not telling you who I am though. Yes it's in french. Deal. So for that reason, I'm spending a hell of a lot of time editing & going to concerts, but I love it, so....hey why not? It also gives me a bigger exposure which is excellent, and the website is a member of one of those sites where you go to get photos of people when needed???? help me, what in hell are they called? Like Getty Images idea...anyway. There's the possibility of some $$ to be made for me as well as the exposure. I also see things I normally wouldn't make the effort to go out and see (ie spend the $$ on).

Ok, so I went on a date the other day. And may I just say, I am not doing that again? Nope. I'm done. I knew he wasn't for me the moment I saw the guy, and that's that. Nope.

And ultimately, he's not the Brit. That's what it keeps coming down to. No one is him.

I know. I say nasty things about him on here. Oh. I can go on. And really I shouldn't, because you guys think he's a complete asshole, when in fact, half the time I'm the asshole myself.....this is the problem with these 1 sided things, and of course, I'm sure I also come off a complete loon.

Yep. Complete loon.

I told him I don't like Valentine's day. So, he said he did what he usually does, and ignored it, ie - didn't say anything to me, and naturally didn't I take that wrong? Yeah. Own fault. Egg on face time.

I can't get him out of my mind. Period. I don't know what the hell it is.

I can't wait to go back or for him to come here. I need to see him and I know the feeling is mutual.

House issue may soon be solved. Kitchen done, and a sale. That would be really good, I'll have the $$ to do the things I need to and get a job and get the hell out of the country. That would be really nice.

I still want to go. The Brit or not, I don't want to be 65 sitting on my sofa thinking "Why didn't I go?"

Yeah. I don't know much anymore.

Anyway. So that's what is going on around here. Not much and a whole hell of a lot all at the same time.

My soundtrack for this post : Amy Millan - "I'm Losin' You" & Joydrop - "Beautiful"

things I've come to realize

1) I'll never leave this godforsaken country. There are so many roadblocks. Never ending roadblocks.

2) I no longer have the strength to keep fighting for what I want.

3) I can't tackle this house alone. I don't know where to start, and I don't want to start.

4) The Brit could really give a shit. I'm sure he cares in his own way, but it's not enough.

5) I generally feel invisible to the opposite sex. Which I guess, I am. Unless they're gay, then they love me :)

6) I'm not happy.

*this is brought to you by self introspection brought on by weeping, frustrations, the realization this is VDay #9 alone (I've been 5 years single, but that relationship never extended over VDay) and generally feeling like the shit on the bottom of someone's shoe

The End.

red

'Nuff said.

don't worry....

....I'm alive.

It's been a week and a bit, and I'm still standing. I occasionally get the urge to call and then realize she's not there anymore. That I helped empty out her apartment last week (and the rest is being done this weekend), that shortly her phone will be disconnected. That I'm wearing the ring that hadn't left her hand in over 20 years on my finger.

I'll survive. Just a bit of my heart is gone for good.

Much happening in the saga of me, just none of it anything I really want to be writing about. Photographing an artist tonight that is something I am so excited about, she's the reason I do concert photography.

And she's world famous, and her management company responded with "oh yes, we'd love for you to take photos!" (there are two types of Canadian management, those that forget their artists aren't famous outside of Canada, and those that reflect the artist's own beliefs that the small people are important too. Thank you Nettwerk :)

Supposed to do dinner with a friend and a gentleman she knows who happens to be a photographer for the Montreal newspaper. I think she was trying to fix us up, he's a nice guy....but, me with my plans etc....not sure what to think at this time. Naturally, we'll go do dinner the 3 of us, he and I have had some interesting FB convos, the photography and all, and, in a bit of "omg this world is too small" we have a friend in common.

There's also the Brit who is running cold, which he does when he gets busy (I believe the term "so fuck him" comes to mind). Engh. Whatever. Men. I can so no longer be bothered. And truly, nothing seriously huge can come from he and I if a) he doesn't make some effort on his part and b) I'm not over there, because truly, both of us are so frigging busy, we don't have a hell of a lot of opportunity to connect. My last couple weeks have been no help either. However I did have to get a new phone, so now he and I can keep in touch better.

Been too tired to do anything. Finally got a replacement contractor in to take a look at the kitchen, should have that estimate this weekend. Found out that I can take 3 days for my grandmother, stupid me, I didn't. Should have. The tiredness I'm sure has to do with the grief, I'm sort of....flat lined emotionally, really can't care about much, and the only thing that elicits much of an emotion is thinking about her.

Or anger. I'm quick to that right now. Piss me off and you'll be sorry.

Sorry to sound down, I'm not really, in fact, I can't wait to get to my concert gig tonight, and maybe out with a friend in the Village (gay village for those not in the know), hang for a few drinks with the boys, which is one of my favorite things to do EVER! Venue I'm taking shots at is in the Village so I may as well while I have opportunity!

Unless I'm too tired. We'll see.

Anyhoodles, rambling, off I go, to what I should be doing, which is work.....engh.....