oh life is ironic sometimes

So I got down to see my Grannie. I cried, naturally. Met her doctor, half of her brain is dead, it's better that she go, she never wanted to live like that, she, like my mother, cousin & sister, was a nurse, and always said she never wanted to live after a stroke.

I'm going to believe that the groaning she did when I talked to her was her communication with me. My sister says she doesn't know. But when I told her it was me, she groaned, when I told her not to hang around and that it was ok to go, she groaned.

And when we told her we were leaving, her good arm whipped out of the bedsheets.

I may go back down tomorrow. If she makes it that long.

And for the ironic part of all of this, in talking to my mother last night on the way home, my sister found out that my other grandmother is going into pallative care today. We had said wouldn't it be ironic if they went on the same day. Yeah.

My grandmothers are battling to make it to the finish line.

oh no

My worst fear. The thing I've worried about most of my life.

I got news that my grandmother had a stroke. Not the one dying of cancer, the other one.

It would be wrong to say I don't care about Grandma (with the cancer) but she wasn't around most of my life, and I wasn't ever terribly close to her. I went to see her before Xmas and sadly, I don't feel alot for her.

Then there's Grannie.

I know I've mentioned my mother's dislike of me a great deal of my life. For what reason, I don't even think she knows to this day.

So, my Grannie and my father did everything possible to take care of me, pay attention to me, and any and all holidays from school were spent with my Grannie, down in the eastern townships.

My Grannie has always been my best friend.

This is the day I have dreaded since I was a teenager. The realization that she would be gone when I was relatively young.

I have so many phenomenal memories of her. Of her and I, and various family members and friends, but the one person I have talked to about anything and everything, gone to with all my problems, has been Grannie. It might sound really strange, but she's my best friend. Always has been.

She's in Cowansville hospital. Unresponsive to verbal and pain stimulus. Should have gone for a CT by now. And I know, at 92, what the end result will be, and I am in so much pain right now I can't explain it.

She's the last person to say they love me.

A little note to her: Grannie, don't hang around in a coma for me, you and I both know you'd hate that. I just wish you'd hung around long enough for us to have lunch like we planned in 2 weeks, and to eat the chocolate I brought you back from
England. So I could tell you about the Brit. So I could tell you about my plans to move that you have supported so much, you're the only one that has. I love you always.

Edit: massive stroke on one side, still unresponsive. She's a dnr, so we're hoping that she either has another stroke and passes or god forbid it gets to this, she gets pneumonia. Various other heart/blood pressure things at play, that may take her also.

Still love you Grannie.

I..just...can't...

What was that mention about "the winter of our discontent?"

I think this is my winter of discontent. Nothing feels right at the moment. Nothing fits. I don't fit.


As usual, life is up and down and all around, and that, in and of itself, is life. Isn't it?

My contractor has disappeared. That's because he and my colleague split up and he's punishing her by punishing me. Nice. Mature. I want a man why again? Back to the drawing board.

I've been working so much, most nights until 7, I'm still screwed up from my trip, and being sick, and now work is insane, I have photography, I have friends.

And truthfully, none of it is fulfilling me right now. I'm not sure what end is up.

While seeing/being with the Brit seemed like a good idea at the time...it's driven home to me that I'm here, he's there, and who knows what will happen in between. And I miss him.

Money. Oh money. I'm trying to sell things, and people are being cheap bastard f*cks about it. I know what these things are worth, I overprice them purposely so we can work down to what I want really, don't try to bring me down to less, as though I'm desperate. I want to sell, I want the $$ so I can get my visa for the UK, but dammitall, you're not getting these items for free, end of.

Being overseas was idyllic. No pain in the ass animals (I'm having major problems with a dog, I have some very tough decisions to make concerning him), no friends irritating me, the man I have a thing for within commuting distance, on the other end of a phone without a huge expense, no belongings to worry about, a house to worry about...nothing....and I want that. Ok not the pets....those I have for their life, I just want a life over there, a life that's a bit simpler then the one I have here, although I'm not sure that is definitely going to happen.

The frustrations I'm feeling are incredible right now. NOt that I hate my life, don't get me wrong, if nothing else, I know in alot of ways I'm blessed, I just want what I want. And now. And it's frustrating me to no end.

Anyway. Enough of my complaining.

Saw a C130 Hercules from the Canadian military go by the window here at work this morning, and I cried, knowing it has come from Haiti, bringing back broken individuals, either physically or mentally, who've come from a worse place then I can even imagine, a place I am all except financially incapable of helping.

If I liked kids, I'd adopt one. There are an awful lot of broken families down there....

Anyway. Back to work. Live to work or work to live, I know which one I'm feeling right at this moment....

welcome home

Ahhhh, so for those of you not in the email or FB know (which, I know, isn't many), I got home last Wednesday night, the snow storm in the UK helped me along, the flight into Ottawa was empty due to the many cancelled flights into Heathrow, and so, I sat and cried all the way back to Canada.

I know alot of people around me thought I was crying at the movie I was watching, but I know it was because I was heading back to the life I've tired of, away from the man I have a thing for, and don't know when I'll get back to the country I'd like to make my own.

Ironic I have snow to thank for my return, considering it's one of the things I hate about living in Canada. That and the bitter cold, which reared it's ugly head the minute I made it back to the country.

I ended up in Ottawa airport for 5 hours, my flight naturally misconnected with the flight into Montreal, so I had to wait for the later one. All fine as my dad was working at the airport and I got to sit and have a chat with him. For those not in the know, my dad is the parent I get along with, although we periodically have a love/hate he and I. Not purposely of course. I adore him. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have gotten through most of my childhood.

By the time I got home, it was 8:30 pm, I had been up since 1:30 am local time....I was tired, and I had 3 feet of snow to shovel out of my driveway, and a job to go to the next morning, as well as animals that wouldn't leave me the hell alone (all I wanted was to be left alone). God bless my friend J for coming to pick me up at the airport, as well as shovel the lion's share of my driveway for me because, in her words, she was awake, I looked sick and exhausted.

That's because, of course, I've returned with a huge cold. Which is suspect has turned into at least bronchitis, at most pneumonia. This based on the pain in my lung. Joy oh bliss. Welcome home.

Had a good and yet horrible weekend. Unfortunately had a bad friend experience. Someone's birthday, my friend who is no longer a friend was invited, there are 2 of us that she won't go near, my friend S and I (oh because she stole S's boyfriend, but that's another story altogether), and the rest of our friends, although they hate this woman, well, they cowtow to her because she's got a habit of making a scene, and that left S & I alone for most of the evening.

Good to know who your friends are eh? This woman has lied to, lied about, spoken behind the backs of, all these people, and yet, there they were laughing and bullshitting with her. All with exception of one of the boyfriends, who adores S & I, he hung with us because "you guys are more fun anyway".

It was hard. And I vow to go to nothing that everyone is invited to ever again. Period.

So. back to work I go. Sigh.

trapped, well, kinda

So, I write this from lovely London.

What? you ask...."I thought she was coming back on the weekend" you think to yourself.....

Well yes, as did I. However, the standby Gods had other ideas and I am indeed still stuck here. I went 2 days in a row, and nothing. This doesn't mean I'm only trying to get into Montreal, oh no, I'm trying to get into Eastern Canada!

And tonight, 30 cms of snow for London expected.

OH MY GOD!!!!!

Yeah.

Sooooo....

I will re-add the Brit to my good things about 2009....momentary loss of mine, aka I was a bit pissed off. Things with him have been good for the most part, but he's male, and essentially took a bit to think and then came back to me with a "it's my fault, I know....you don't have to say". A man who admits when he's in the wrong is in my view, a good thing. Neither of us is the best communicator, but as we have discussed, we're learning. Both of us. We'll see how this lasts when we can call each other less.....yikes....it's nice to pick up the mobile and say "what do you want to do at weekend?".

It's almost like the country doesn't want me to return. As much as I'd love to stay here, I haven't gotten that visa, I have a job, I have a house, and my pets....

I lost a hammie while I've been gone. I'm very sad. Very.

I've had a wonderful time. I love it here. I do never want to leave, and if nothing else, I swear I will live over here by the middle of the year, latest. Only new year resolution I'll allow.

And now I think it'll be bedtime, I am getting sick...natch....so I can be just that much more miserable to be back in snowy, cold, hellish Canada!

revision

We'll put hooking up with the brit under the "bad" heading for 2009 shall we?

I'd like to thank him personally for starting my 2010 off horribly.