family....aka HELL

Trip to Ontario yesterday.

Little background, my father's mother has just been diagnosed with lung cancer, and is in a facility, probably until she goes into palative care and dies.

So went to visit her for the first time since she was diagnosed, and probably the last time, because I personally think she won't last past Christmas.

Everything was fine with my youngest sister and my mom and I, until we picked up the middle daughter. Who decided she needed to shop (small town Ontario....she lives in a bigger city...no need to go shopping while she's going to see a dying grandmother).

I told her no, she got her nose out of joint, and I got into trouble on the way home from the other sister for hurting her feelings.

Also got attitude due to leaving for the holidays.

And for wanting to move.

Piece de la resistance, my grandmother gave my youngest sister her car, my other sister all her silverware (ie, real silver), and me...well...nada. I was asked what I wanted, I said due to the move, nothing big, preferably jewelry, my mother's comment was that she didn't think that was a good idea because I would sell it.

Pardon?

I wouldn't sell jewelry. I have all my jewelry, family stuff and things given to me from men past, good memories, bad memories, I keep it all, I have an emotional attachment to it.

I was hurt, and insulted.

People wonder why the idea of being across the ocean doesn't bother me.

wet

I suppose, seeing as everything in this house is waterlogged in some way or another, me sitting crying isn't going to cause much of a problem.

I think I'm feeling the stress of the past bit, right here, right now, and all because of the $300 deductible that my insurance company is making me pay. No, they aren't deducting it, they're making me pay it to a subcontractor.

I may have a very good job, but I live alone, and I am budgeted up the hilt. I don't have $300 available right now, this is a problem, so that means something else doesn't get paid or I don't eat or breathe or live or...well...whatever.

So. Lack of sleep, stress, frustration, and general sense of being the only one in this thing with me, I'm sitting crying tears of sheer frustration.

I never do cry tears of joy. Never have. Probably never will?

I'm tired of having to go this whole thing alone. So tired.

and the water came...

So I walk in from work on Friday, only to wonder why there's water all over my kitchen floor and why I can hear what is akin to Niagara Falls coming from my kitchen ceiling?

My toilet ran all day and overflowed into the kitchen below, and the basement below that....

Now. I need a new kitchen, but seriously, this wasn't the way I planned on getting that.....

I am going to look at this as a blessing in disguise, they are going to have to tear down my walls in the kitchen, the cabinets are from 1952, so they will fall apart, and they'll have to put in something new. It'll be ok, right? It'll be a cheap kitchen, but it won't be a million years old, and I'll be able to sell my house, the one thing that I thought would prevent a decent sale.

Sigh.

But the stress associated, I could do without.

I hate construction zones. My parents place was under construction from the time I was about 7 until after I owned my own home at 21. Construction zones stress me, and I'm about to live in one.

The job hunt (which I can't complain about, I have a job, so shut up right?), wanting to move & being blocked, my grandmother, and now the house stuff....I just find sometimes that I get tested in a big way, with alot all at once, and that one day this migraine I'm feeling is actually an aneurysm due to stress. And that it's going to blow.

Hope not though.

Feel free to shoot me anytime.

wishing...hoping....

That photo, I can't get it out of my mind.

I need to get over there.

Is it Christmas yet? I don't like Christmas, ever, but I'm thinking this year I'll like it more than usual seeing as my gift to myself is a trip to London.

I'm not sure how to proceed with finding a job there. I've done everything I need to do and yet, nothing is happening. I need to be more proactive. The best way to do that would be to sell up here and go, but what in HELL would I live on is the question I have for you.

Yeah. Not such a good idea.

I have to hope that someone will be progressive enough to consider a foreigner for a position. Or that I can get something with an airline.

Sigh.

Otherwise, all I'm doing right now is working, sleeping, eating. I'm exhausted physically and mentally, I don't have enough time for anything.

My grandmother is dying of cancer, so that's another thing I'm thinking about. This sucks pretty well...she'll be gone in the next few months, max, I think she's resigned to the idea that she'll be dying. Just hoping she gets a bed in palliative care so it doesn't hurt too much.

And that's about it here.

Still thinking about that photo. That's one of my favorite places in London, the town of Kew. Which I can live in no problem, but only if I win the 6/49......

the good and the bad

Good: Confirmation that I have my friend's apartment for the holidays, for free, by myself in London UK! WOOHOOOOOO!!!!

Bad: I'm not going to have any money. Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Well, I'll have enough but man it's going to be super tight, let me tell you. And frankly, I just don't care. How bad is that.

Some mention was made of me seeing the Brit on New Years, but there's a few stipulations attached to that on my part (as in, he's working, which is fine, I'll go to work with him, which I can do, but I am NOT and I repeat NOT going to be able to get back to my apartment in West London from the area he's working in unless he drives me, which at 4 am he's not going to want to do. So I have to stay with him. He tells me that's just dandy. We'll see what happens on the cold foot front.

Debts, expenses, my property taxes have gone up considerably in the past year, $150 a month up and it's pissing me off. The bank made a calculation error last year, and they're making me pay for it. Nice. I need this right now. Yep. Really.

I don't see my salary going up, I didn't get profit sharing this year (and we made profit, but up here in Canada, not in the US, so we are being made to suffer....NIIIIICE!)

Sigh.

Money. I shouldn't be going away, and I just don't give a shit.

update

I'm working.

My arse off.

No other time for anything and I'm tired and I'm bitchy and I need to do 3 quizes for my course I'm taking and they're due by midnight tonight and and and and.....

Can I have someone else's life for *just* a bit, so things can start making a bit of sense again?

First call to UK this afternoon in a few months. Is it silly to say I'm looking forward to it. We don't talk on the phone often (it's usually MSN/Skype), so I'm looking forward to it, talking is something we have no problems with at all.

Otherwise....work. And more work. And stress. And migraines. Yay.

Ever notice...

...that the weekends are just not long enough to accomplish what needs to be accomplished in life?

One thing I miss about being married (because I never lived with anyone other than my ex husband, I have no other frame of reference for this), is that I could share tasks around the house. Although my ex was one of the laziest men I know, there were things that didn't fall on my shoulders.

Now they do.

If I didn't want to ever enjoy myself on the weekend, hey, I could probably get everything done.

But I can't cook for the week, do the laundry, vacuum, wash the floors, do all the dishes from the cooking, and get everything else I need accomplished, all done on the weekend.

And evenings, well, there's just no way in hell. I'm lucky I am able to prepare dinner, and frequently, I don't.

It's already 8:30, I'm making a lentil soup (spicy...with tomates, carrots, turnip - big bag for $2!!! - and sausage), doing dishes that I neglected this weekend, I need to color my hair because my old lady hair is growing out, and I use henna, because it's the most natural looking (having been a redhead it's really hard to match the red....very very difficult, henna does the best job of making it look semi-natural).

I can see that I'll still have henna in my hair at 10pm tonight, while I'm sitting on the sofa, waiting, yawning, unable to watch the tube any longer...

And then tomorrow starts the work week, yet again.

And the vacuuming & floor washing that didn't get done will get worse, the dishes will pile up, as will the laundry.

We haven't even discussed what needs doing outside yet.

Sigh. Why do I have a house again? What was I thinking?

And I haven't done anything I really wanted to. I want to make some jewellery, I want to finish editing the photos I took this week (hell stuff I took 4 months ago as well), I want to sort thru things and decide what to sell.

Time is so fleeting, I'm watching it pass me by as I do laundry.

Sucks.

alrighty then

Well, it's been a while. I have so much swimming in my head and just no way to get it out there.

I'm madly applying to jobs in the UK, one of which I hold out some hope for if they can't find anyone locally to fit the bill, starting in 2010. I'm not sure how to do this, all alone, with no job on the other end.

Do I sell my house now and rent until I'm ready to go, or wait til I have something in the hopper to sell?

How does this all work? I'm so confused.

I figure it will all figure itself out eventually and I'll be over there in no time. A friend tells me with complete confidence that he knows I'll do it, I've set my mind to it.

Or is the universe telling me for a 3rd time that I shouldn't go? I have a really hard time believing in that...

Started back into photography again, hot and heavy, 3 already this week, another on the weekend, with another pending. Trying to get a few Brit acts under my belt and into my portfolio, for when I'm in the UK, everyone I photograph is Canadian for the most part or completely unknown, I need to have a few of the more "famous" in there, because I'll be starting with a whole new bunch of people to approve me for photo passes over there. The town that I want to live in or near is a haven of summer concert festivals...big names....so I have that goal in mind.

The Brit. I said I would inform more....I've decided it's not something I really want to talk about, neither in my personal life to people that I know will judge me, or even here, because I'll also be judged I'm sure, but the Brit and I have been talking, emailing back and forth and talking via Skype etc.

Not to get too detailed, but I got apologized to, he regrets not coming to see me a second time, says it was a mistake he shouldn't have made, he should have taken a day off to see me, that he was an idiot and has done alot of thinking on the subject. And when am I back in the UK so he can make it up to me.

Do I believe him? Yes...but I'm always cautious. I think he's self-aware enough but is the type to have to think about things a great deal to come to that awareness. Do I forgive him? I easily forgive unfortunately. However am being extremely reserved, I'm not going to get as gung ho as I did before, guard this little black heart of mine a bit.

He also said something that I am going to take to heart in relation to other relationships in my life. That hints with him don't work, if I want something from him, I have to tell him straight out, ask him straight out, no hinting around the subject. He doesn't get hints, he doesn't realize they're being dropped, in writing or in speaking.....

Hints are something I am bad about, my shyness comes out in that I will NEVER straight out ask for something, I'll hint around it and see if someone takes the bait (this is in my personal life, work wise I am straight and to the point). I am a giver, not a taker, so I guess this is where it is most evident.

I need to work on that I guess.

So, a bit of relief in the "wtf happened with the Brit? I don't get it" situation, but then again, the one thing I was sure would happen (job) didn't, and I'm at square one yet again.

I want to be over there. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm even spending Xmas over there, I have a free apartment for the time I'm there, I can cook for myself, I hate being here....I'm gone...alone in Montreal, or alone in London? I'll pick alone in London thanks.