blee doo doo doop

Yeah. The above is about all I can manage at this point in time.

Tired! Oh hell yes, means work is busy. Completely and utterly wiped.

and I'd like to be left the hell alone. Unless PK calls me, in which case, I'm good with that. But really, that's about it.

So, I bid you guys adieu, cuz I can't right now. I dont' even feel like eating, think I'll order something in before I pass out completely.

flirtation

Is it bad to be flirting with a male friend?

Oi vey. Probably.

I just can't help myself. And he's not helping.

Dinner. In 6 weeks. As in he's cooking.

How much weight can I lose by then?

Oh my I'm bad.

my heart resides elsewhere

And as happens frequently, my mind has turned to my friend pk today.

I've mentioned him before. He's from here, but works down in the US, comes into town every few weekends, we meet up sometimes, sometimes not.

I'm sure I've also mentioned he and I used to have a mutual thing for each other, but due to a few reasons, one of them his moving to another city in Canada due to necessity, nothing ever happened. He moved back here almost 2 years ago, but has spent most of his time down in the Southern US on these contracts.

Almost out of the blue, like he knew I was feeling somewhat blue today, he started a chat.

I miss him. I can't explain it. This is one "relationship" I've never been able to explain to anyone. First and foremost we're friends, secondly, we get each other, always have.

Anyway. He's home for easter. There's a bottle of sake with our name on it. Meant to give it to him for 2 years, but even though we've met up frequently, it's never gotten there. So he's decided we need to sit and drink it. I'm down with that. Except he's been warned that I'm sleeping on his couch.

Why is it this little thing of seeing him makes me soooo damned happy? I missed him when he was in TO, I've missed him when he's been in the US, I just freaking miss him.

Sigh. So I guess next weekend hungover posts will abound. Ha!

it's just business

Yep so that's it. Just business. JF's a musician, I'm a music photographer (I guess you can call me that?) and that is where the twain shall meet.

Photographed a lovely singer from Toronto last night....jazzy, beautiful, haunting, lilting voice. Jam night was afterwards, my friend P (I know many P's...I know, confusing) convinced me I should come out after shooting the concert, I got a pick-up put in my 6 string guitar, and I've wanted to try it out (seeing as I have no amplifier at home or anything, really, don't need it!).

Only thing is, I really have had no desire to run into JF. I have this uncanny ability to feel nothing. After yesterday's revelations, I have turned off the emotions pretty much in that regard....but still didn't want to feel weird.

So. I ignored him.

Yep. Except for professional courtesy, during which he set me up on stage and I sang, I pretty much ignored him. P watching me with the look on his face that said he knew damned well what I was doing. Too bad. Self-preservation baby.

What I'm about is not getting hurt. I don't like it. I'm always hurt. I am not looking for anything. Seriously, I'm not, I just can't be bothered. But on occasion, someone will pique my interest. JF piqued my interest (a frigging year ago almost).

But I'm back to lack of pique. And I'm all about protecting that thing that beats inside my chest, figure next time there's that little inkling about someone, I'm going to ignore it completely, avoid all this bullshit.

Says she that smiled at a guy in the restaurant in my office building.

Smiling, and doing something about are 2 different things. And, I'm not going to do anything about it.

P says I have "bad getting laid attitude" and he's right, that's true, but, I'm tired of wasting my time. It's all a big freaking cosmic joke or something.

I can stand on my own two feet. I've been doing it all my life, pretty much the only person that hasn't disappointed me is myself, so, I'll just look at it from that perspective. I don't need someone else in my life, but I'd like it, I've been single going on 3 1/2 years now, and am tired of seeing everyone else's lives move forward in that respect and mine remain stagnant, however, I'm not entirely willing to give a whole hell up to get it, nor am I going to run around chasing it.

These ridiculous, messed up men, seem to be the only thing on offer out there, I am one of a growing number of above 35 year old women that are single without tangible prospects. People keep saying "don't worry, there's someone out there for you" and I truthfully, am beginning to think that might not be the case. Seriously. There are few men I can stand. Let alone want to spend the rest of my life with.

I had to laugh, watching the guys I was with last night, including JF, tripping over the cute, maybe if they're lucky 20-something waitress, who, remembering back to that age, is probably thinking in her mind "leave me alone old guys I have to be nice to because I work here - yuck!!!!"

Uncle. Just. Uncle. I give. Screw you universe.

just call me numbskull

So.

Just had a convo with a friend of mine (male) who is very good friends with JF.

Apparently, I am not to take any of his touching, hugs etc as a sign of anything, even the attention that is paid to me. That's just him, and the way he is. He may be interested, but he's not sure, because JF hasn't said a word at this point.

So. I've been proven incorrect yet again.

He's also not in the place right now. The leggy blonde? When JF started showing what I interpreted as interest, she was already in the picture.

This is why I don't get involved with the opposite sex. I obviously have no clue whatsoever about them.

P (my male friend above) says that I am cynical, which does 2 things. Protects me from the bad guys, but also protects me from the good ones. So true.

And yet, I don't see it changing anytime soon. No one likes getting hurt, but I really do everything I can to protect myself from it.

Sigh.

How is it that I'm always wrong?

avoidance

So.

State of the union.

JF.

Get to jam night, he says hello, but runs around rubbing shoulders and giving pointed hellos to everyone, but me.

I got a "hello best photographer in the world" as he ran past to see someone else.

He spent all his time not on stage texting. Someone. This happened last time. When he gets all texty texty, he's interested in someone. Other than me that is. That gets put to the wayside. Me, he's interested, this I know, but obviously not enough to do anything about it. Or I'm in a different "league", who the hell knows?

And then there was my friend. The one that is taking everything I say and picking it apart. I figured (because she told me) that she wouldn't be there last night, another friend of ours came out, figured she and I would have a heart to heart sitch, but no, the other one showed. I'm afraid to say anything around her.

Bit of background from the weekend. JF had prepared a mic for me, my name on the board and everything, so I could do backups on the St Paddy's day float. I assume nothing in this respect, but was rather chuffed when he told me this. My friend was supposed to come along, but dropped out last minute. I find if she thinks she's not going to be the center of attention these days, she doesn't want to do anything.

So, I had a blast at the parade, regardless of singing the same 3 songs over and over about 14 times. (I currently have no love lost for Van Morrison). So when I was home I saw my friend on chat. Told her about the mic etc, and her response was that "well, I was supposed to do that". I blew that off, said that it would have been nice to get lyrics etc for the songs, that maybe JF should do that next time (it was really just a pick-up band for the float), and she said "well I guess you weren't included in that email, I was, because he asked me first, mp3s and lyrics...too bad".

Ok, now, I'm not impressed. See why I walked out last night?

My friend P knew there was a problem. Says to me as I'm leaving "you're mad, and you weren't before she got here".

Yeah well not just her. The whole thing. On one hand, I know I need to probably speak to JF to get this all out in the open. On the other hand, I'll just be disappointed, there is security in not knowing that he's really not interested and that, as per usual, I'm imagining things.

Anyway. Avoidance. Name of the game. If I don't like the situation, I'm outta there.

The look on JFs face when I left. I dunno. I really dunno.

finally

Finally, we have sun AND it's not freaking cold.

Tis a bloody miracle I tell you. March can be so damned...fickle.

Anyhoodles.

Lots of photography coming up, Thursday and Friday as a matter of fact at this point. Tokyo Police Club and Emma-Lee. Both Canadian, so if you don't know them, I won't be insulted, I'm used to that. I love to share my Canadian stuff, but most don't listen to me....oh well.

Hoping for Katy Perry on Monday, but this big acts, doesn't always happen. Manager hasn't contacted me back, so I'm pretty sure it's a no. Dammitall. She's like a comic character, would be so cool to photograph. And then get out because I don't like her music for the most part. Ok, I like Hot N Cold. Because it brings me to my next topic of conversation.

JF.

Sigh.

WTF? Seriously. I have NO idea what in hell is going on there. Do I care? Well yes and no. I'd like him for breakfast, but this back and forth thing (and not the good kind) is sort of driving me insane.

So do I just sit back and come to the conclusion he's a friend and will be nothing more? I really don't want to have to see him dating someone else like happened with the leggy blonde.

His best friend who is also a friend of mine, essentially told me he's not sure JF is aware of my liking of him (what is he? blind?) and that I have to put it out there. And that I can't get bent out of shape if I'm going to keep it under wraps.

But how does one go about this?

And I contend he does know. Seriously. Dude would have to be blind not to notice.

It's ok. While I stress over this, my body melts away. Realized the shirt I'm wearing is freaking huge on me, not sure when I shrunk more exactly, but, hey, it's a good thing.

I have to get my arse out to walking and conditioning myself for a 10km walk I'm doing in late April. The knee, well it's still swollen, but the ortho told me that walking shouldn't be an issue, running is. I start physio on Tuesday. Can't come quickly enough thanks!

And that's about all there is to tell in my little world. Back to work, there's so much, economic downturn schmownturn, seriously....

annoyance

I have a friend.

And she's driving me insane.

I can't take the constant snapping. The over reaction.

I'm now afraid to do certain things with her.

That's not friendship, but I'm not sure how to deal with this.

Sigh.

I just want things to not be difficult, things to not be complicated. No drama.

She says she doesn't want drama, but when I'm tense around someone I care about, there's a problem. Drama is currently being created. And I'm not the one creating it. And I'm not sure what to do about it.

a quick FYI

Technodoll....I was so tired last night I sang and ran from jam night.

And JF was there. Yet I left. And he was being super sweet. Yet I left.

Yep, I was that tired.

Happy now? lol

I'm alive!

Yes I know.

Bad bad bad blogger.

I've been too busy, both at work (where I usually blog) and personally, it's been slightly insane between all the things I do, so just let it fall by the wayside for a week or so.

It's been a weird few days, bizarre. JF....I dunno what in hell. He and I had a conversation today that was just odd, considering last night's goings on....sigh. I have absolutely no clue what's up.

I'm in the parade on Sunday (St Paddys' yes, late, because Chateauguay and Montreal switch, one is before, one is later than the day). Anyone local, wave if you see me (you know who you are!). Then out to the pub after for dinner, which is good with me.

All of this with JF. However, JF's ex will be around, although that didn't stop him from his hugs previously. I dunno. I just don't.

I am supposed to pick up my guitar today, which I had doohickeyized (I had a pick up put in so I can just plug and play). I'm off for the afternoon you see, on a course. Hahahaha, finished about an hour and a half ago.

I'm fostering a bunny from the SPCA. He's adorable. And I hope he and my babe get along. For those that have lost count, including rodents and turtles, that makes 11 animals. So what? Whaddya gonna make of it?

Work is insane. Recession what?

And so happy am I that Montreal has now been tagged with the label of famous actor killer. Yay our medical system? Yeah yeah, poor Natasha Richardson, as the sufferer of a few concussions (mild), I can't believe this poor woman died from head whackage. I knew she was brain-dead before all y'all knew, a colleague's close family member was a medic on the flight from Montreal to New Jersey....very sad all the same. Waiting for Mont Tremblant to be nailed with a lawsuit. American litigiousness....

So. Another busy weekend. And I need to make some dog food. So I bid y'all adieu for now, when more coherent, I'll write more, I only had 3 hours sleep last night...

regrets

Sometimes I do things that I regret.

Nothing major, but irregardless....

I'll just say I'm sorry and it won't happen again :)

I'd like to have decent karma. I have to much going on to worry about it.

To all of you that are confused, don't worry....all good :)

the ups and the downs

Well, earlier today I was upset with JF, now I am no longer.

Things are interesting, I'm loathe to jinx anything by blogging about it however.

I got some info confirming my suspicion that I already had, he's very shy. So this is going to be up to me probably. He's not going to have the courage to make a move. Sigh. I hate being a predator!

Insider info.

It's a good thing.

Now to figure out how to be a predator.

quick fly-by-blogging

So.

I did it. And it went smashingly. All reports were excellent. I'm a happy girl and have been asked back.

Jam Flirt?

:D

No more for now. Perhaps after tonight.

Later all.

stressed much?

"Hello my name is Myself and I'm a panicoholic"

*room nods and says "hi Myself"*

Yeah. I am officially freaking. I thought last week was bad, but this week is worse.

Why, after having done one gig already, am I freaking out you might ask?

He will be there. Jam Flirt. Watching me.

Yeah he's at jam night (freaking hosts it), and he's heard me sing, but that's classic rock stuff for the most part, which, no insult to it meant, doesn't mean much to me. The tunes I've chosen for my gig, either mean something to me, or the lyrics do, and I guess, it's like laying my feelings on the line.

And he's going to get a dose of my feelings.

Holy carp.

And just seeing him will make me panic.

However, on a good note, my outfit for tonight is smashing, my friend M requested cleavage, and cleavage we will have. with a hint of brassiere. Yep. I am a ho, but that's ok, cuz I admit it right?

Sigh.

More news tomorrow after this is done.

I will say Jam Flirt emailed me with compliments. Nice ones. and told me not to worry and stop being so damned hard on myself.

I'll try :)

one down

One down, another to go.

Phew.

It went well. I think. I forgot guitar chords, I was nervous for the first set, but I settled down towards the end of the second and in the third.

I had a heckler, friend of Jam Flirt's, but that's ok, I'm used to him and his heckling! All and all a good night.

I went to my friend S's gig afterwards, down the street, but they started singing happy birthday to me so I left (I hate birthdays, sorry, but I do!). I had to get HC back home anyway, the buses had stopped at that point.

Only thing is, I found out the next day that Jam Flirt came looking for me :) I saw him the next day and he asked where I was (I was at his house at the time, long story, more later, maybe).

So last night for my non-birthday we went to trivia night, which is hosted by Jam Flirt. My sister came along, as well as a bunch of friends, they bought me a movie I wanted to see "Passchendaele" - it's Canadian, about the first world war and the Canadians in it. I'll be able to say more later, I wanted to see it in the theatre but it didn't stay long.

Jam Flirt made a question about me in the game, he had been reading my FB page I guess, I told everyone I wanted a particular hockey player for my day, and that's what his question was about. Too funny :)

He wished me a happy birthday and kissed me on the forehead. What does that mean? And then sat down beside me and chatted with me. Um. Hello my lips are down here. Hahahahaha.

I have a huge crush. Dammitall.

But I had fun with my buds and my sister and Jam Flirt and it was a great weekend.

One more show Friday. And I need to prepare and the migraine is going to keep me from that dammitall!

And that's all I got. yeah been a week and that's all I got. Sorry to disappoint!