death

I've had a lot of young death in my life. Been exposed to a great deal of it.

Today is no exception.

Three and a half years ago, my sister-in-law (former, ex hubby and I are separated) got sick. Having trouble swallowing. Her son was almost a year old.

They found it was a growth in her esophagus, and thus started the surgeries. Biopsies then revealed stomach cancer. It had grown like crazy while she had been pregnant. Cancer thrives on duplication of cells, and that's what pregnancy is, big old production of cells.

Three years of surgeries, chemo, radiation, untested treatments, half of her esophagus removed, half of her stomach, 80% of her liver when it showed up there, but it grew back. It grew in her lungs, and most recently in her brain.

Yesterday, age 36, my sister in law died. She went into the hospital with pneumonia Friday, started to get better on Saturday, and yesterday she wasn't better, she passed on.

Her husband just called me to let me know, and to tell me how much I have meant to them over the years and over the time of her illness. We were close the three of us.

And now I can't stop crying.

Thirty six. It's not right. I hope her kiddo remembers her, she was terrific, baby of five. I adored her and I'm going to miss her so much I can't even tell you.

RIP and lots of unveggie meat slapping :-) (inside family joke)

it was a Blue evening

So, my Christmas gift to my parents finally came around last night, went and saw my favorite band ever, Blue Rodeo (Canadian - shocking I know!). Parents, my sister and I - we had a great time, met some friends of mine there...it was wonderful!

I love music. Sadder the better (don't ask me why, even if I'm happy I love the sad songs...). And these guys just appeal to me like crazy.

So game 7 for my team tonight. It would be nice if the Habs could pull it out (as in their thumbs from their rear ends) but I am afraid frankly about what's gonna happen. Dammitall. See I love Boston's goaltender Thomas (yes, love, would have his children and I don't want any!), however, I need to see my team at least get through the first round.

Ah hockey. Can you tell I'm a good Canadian girl.

Off work today. Have a million damned things to do, so I'll try to get them done. Which means I'll probably nap on the sofa.

Laziness knows no bounds huh?

heh, jaded maybe?

Artist I'm really into right now, Canadian, Melissa McClelland, and her husband Luke Doucet....anyway this tune, the lyrics so very much speak to me right now. I don't know what I feel.


Jaded
(written & performed by Melissa McClelland)

These things I say
Come spinning out of my mouth
Like they've lost their way
And there's no doubt about it
You heard me
I shouted
I think you preferred it
That whenever you come clean
I say nothing at all

So what
You left
Before I had a single chance
To second guess
These bittersweet diversions
And late night excursions
Secret perversions

Maybe I'm naive
Because I can't believe this
And now you fill my heart with doubt
You turn me inside out
But I'm not jaded

And still with all this overkill
And bitterness, and still
My heart's left unfulfilled
But I'm not jaded

My life complete with minor twists and turns
And just a small defeat
You know you really got me
You burn me
You shock me
You thrill me
You lost me
Well maybe I'm naive but I'm catching on fast

And how could I have been so proud
You turned me inside out
But I'm not jaded

And still with all this overkill
And bitterness, and still
My heart's left unfulfilled
But I'm not jaded

You came around
Your hands did all the talking as you sat me down
for a bittersweet reminder
You hurt me
I shouted
I never allow it
Cause maybe I'm naive but I'm not fucking stupid

And still with all this overkill
And bitterness, and still
My heart's left unfulfilled
But I'm not jaded

why do I think about you?

As angry as I am with you, I think about you all the time.

All of a sudden, you have come back into my brain. I wonder what you’re doing, and who you’re doing it with. And I always wonder why it’s not with me. Why you stopped contacting me, why you didn’t talk to me.

I knew you were messed up and I didn’t listen to myself. I knew that the job quitting had to do with a woman, and I know I answered your phone to that woman the night we met. You asked me to, I was just following instructions, and the look on your face when you saw the phone number when I grinned and handed you the phone after answering like your secretary, that should have told me everything that you hadn’t. But I guess I’d had a bit to drink and was really enjoying talking to you, I didn’t see much at that point.

You keep running through my mind recently, dreams, your hockey team, just hockey in general, but my silly little heart goes pang and my tummy flips when I see the Red Wings. The music we had in common, especially Miranda Lambert, and I can’t listen to Chris Ledoux anymore. All of a sudden those that you had met, they’ve started asking me about you, after all these months of silence. Two months of silence on the subject, out of embarrassment I’ve only told a few people how you disappeared.

I had so much hope. And you’ve ruined it for those that might come next. I no longer hope. It was such a little time you and I, but you’ve dashed any progress I made over the last 6 years…by saying nothing, by being too much of a coward to tell me that you liked me but you couldn’t do it.

I hid the hockey cards, the ones of you that I bought to make a gift for your new business. I thought they were put away in a drawer somewhere, for what I have no idea. Then as I was neatening up the other day, they fell on the ground, with your smile staring up at me from my floor.

Then it was you in front of me on the road Friday night while I was going to meet a friend for dinner. I know you saw me. You were talking on your Bluetooth thingie, you looked in your rear view, and kept looking. I didn’t even realize it was you at first, just a familiar looking figure in the car in front of me. Not until I passed you and took off that I realized it had been you, that I recognized the car.

I make it harder on myself then it should be, but a friend tells me that you got my hopes up, you were nice (or so I thought), chatty, and you did all the right things to make me think you were interested. And I think you were. And then I think everything in your life that was too scary to contemplate at Christmas time came crashing down on you, your move, your ex, your car and house down in Tennessee, the pressure of the new business venture. And probably the continued contact (necessary as it was) with the ex, and me asking questions you weren’t comfortable answering.

I hate that you paid me any attention to begin with, that you asked me out for New Years, that you kept making dates with me, most of which you showed for, some of which you cancelled. I hate that you lied to me, and I know you did, I’m a smart girl, I found out, when you’re a public figure, you should really be careful about the lies you use, particularly if you’ve used them before and they were written about in the media. Easily found.

If there is something I hate, it’s not knowing. Not knowing the truth, not having what I suspect confirmed, not having you say you’re sorry for what you did.

I have a sneaking suspicion that you are going to turn up in my life again, and probably sometime soon. And that makes me afraid, because what will I do when I see you, and what will I say to you?

I am well aware that I dodged a bullet in you, that it would have been a million times worse if things had gone further, because you still would have taken a runner, you haven’t dealt with your demons. But you took from me my confidence, my hope, my desire. I am now an apathetic shell of what I used to be. One that says no when asked out by a man. Because I just can’t be bothered anymore. I opened myself up to you, and you slammed the keyboard cover down on my fingers. Damaged me a bit more then I was already.

I give you way too much control over my life by allowing you to enter into my mind. I spent an hour or so yesterday in your new town, my friend not knowing that’s where you were, terrified I’d run into you, and yet scanning crowds hoping for a peek at you. Once more, for the road, those eyes with so much pain behind them, and that beautiful grin. Your smile. I can see you sitting beside me smiling down at me, those green eyes. It's in my mind.

I told myself months ago that I wouldn’t cry over you anymore, and yet, tears are so raw, so at the surface still.

And why I could possibly still feel this way about you I can’t fathom.

and I have returned

Ok so now that I've had a few heart to hearts with my current boss, been told by HR that even *they* aren't really sure what in hell is being expected of me, and again HR telling me we need to have a meeting with the new temporary boss, I'm feeling a bit better.

I work for a huge US firm in freight. If you can't figure out who it is, then you've been hiding under a rock. They've been voted one of the best employers, run companies etc etc etc in the US for years, and there is a reason for that, and seeing as this is my second go-round with them, I want to make this stick. They're great to work for, being a manager for them is fantastic, however, I am not getting back to the place where I am fearing going to work in the morning. Been there, done that, and really don't want to buy the same t-shirt.

So, I'm a bit more relaxed now. Phew. Blood pressure is coming down (which is a good thing considering it tends to be high). Going through a few things that are messing with my brain though, men, friends, all relationships in general, my work out and disappointment that I'm not losing weight as quickly as I'd like. I don't know. Just feeling uneasy.

I suppose I'm starting to feel a bit left out these days. Not left out due to others. Just left out. Maybe I do it to myself, I'm not sure, but I think one of my best friends having gone into a relationship and having forgotten that she has friends (hell, she's forgotten she has kids - and one is below 18!), the alienating comments made by her, another friend that is being pressure to spend time with a sister that hates me (one likes me , the other doesn't for reasons my friend hasn't figured out). Oh I don't know.

Ever wonder why things can't *all* go well at one time, just for a short period? As in, have a date, and it seems to have the possibility of going further, my weight loss is working, and the job is amazing? Nope. Just ain't happening!

So I went emotional shopping. I collect amber. Got a fabulously beautiful piece, green amber, piece of wood in it. It's gorgeous. And, I guess I'll feel prettier when I wear it out tonight.

Ah geez. I don't know anymore.

Anyway. That's the way it is.

Onward and upward?

submerged

Still wallowing in my grief over my job. I changed jobs for this? So that I could replace someone for a year in a job I wouldn't apply for if I was paid to? Um no.

So I guess I'm looking for work again.

Joy.

I'll be back eventually...or maybe not. I've been doing nothing but cry. To some it's only a job, but mine is important to me.