as my stommach turns

I swear to you.

Try as I might, my life goes well for about three seconds, and then it all goes to hell.

I was hired by a large company to do a job. I work in freight, I’m a product manager. Well was. Now I have been made an account manager. Is this a position I wanted? Nope. Am I happy about it? Nope. It’s supposed to be temporary – over the course of a maternity leave, but our leave is 2 years long. I could end up doing this for 2 years. Two years!!!!

I worked my ass off for 6 months, have started to get some results, and this is what happens.

This is a job I have never wanted and don’t think I’m even remotely suited for. I don’t want this much contact with the clients.

I am tired of the fight. I think I’m going to bed tonight and I’ll stay there. I don’t want to see anyone. I’m way too upset. I’m just sick of it all. Personal life, professional life, nothing works out..

is this light at the end of the tunnel I see?

This post is brought to you in the spirit of letting all and sundry know that I am not, in fact, dead. I just got hit by the cold-from-hell, and I haven't been able to get my head off the pillow. Yay.

I'll be back soon. After I've slept my life away k?

oh no not now

So I was on sick leave for 3 weeks almost for breaking my tail bone. Now, that would have been perfect timing for my spring cold, right?

But no...NOW. Right bloody now, third day of the week, just in time for a huge business party tomorrow night and a 3 day weekend. I woke up to snot running down my face, no voice, a cough, oh I am NOT a happy camper right about now. See I have chronic bronchitis, and this will undoubtedly turn into that, and I have been known to get pneumonia from bronchitis.

Have I mentioned that due to the sick leave I have no sick days left until 2009? Yeah. FABULOUS!

You know, for months (since October) I have been eating right, going to the gym, drinking water til I slosh, taking my vitamins and yet I am no healthier. I still get these virii, and not just get them, get blindsided by them, and now that I went from a 10 person office to a 150 person office, boy do I get absolutely everything.

Am I happy? No...not so much!

So off to the pharmacy with me, it's time for Cold FX, need to down that til the cows come home, if it wasn't for that stuff, I swear I would die.

Dammitall.

To top it all off, I also wake to it snowing. OHMYGODPLEASESTOPPLEASEGOAWAY!!! Oh I can't do the snow thing anymore, I've had enough.

Sigh. Ok get dressed, finish making lunch and off I go.

Fab. I just yawned and my ear canals hurt. I suspect regardless of my downing of my wonderful immune system boosting pills, this one will be a doozy.

Can I go back to bed now?

and the title of the blog is....

Well Two Date Diva tagged me....so here goes! Note that I don't know anyone to tag...:( boo hoo new is me to this blogging thing...and de-lurking thing!

Anyone reads and is interested please go right ahead and tag yourself and feel free to let me know!

1.Put your music player on shuffle.
2.Press forward for each question.
3.Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!
4.Bold the questions and with the answers, give your own comments on how it relates to the questions.
5.Tag some people.

So... let's play! :)

1. How are you feeling today?
Why Don't You Love Me? - Amanda Marshall - Ok that song basically sums up alot of my life, so I guess I've been feeling a bit like that today (except there is no you that doesn't love me at the moment!)

2. Will you get far in your life?
Things That Never Cross A Man's Mind - Kellie Pickler - Well I won't get far if nothing ever crosses a man's mind now will I?

3. How do your friends see you?
The Way You Love Me - Faith Hill - I guess they see how much I adore them all (even though sometimes I'd like to whack them!)

4. Will you ever marry?
It Ain't Me Babe - Jesse Cook - Hehe well that pretty much sums up my view of marriage, guess I ain't getting married again babe! Works for me!

5. What is the favorite theme of your best friend?
Stand - Rascal Flatts - Well god knows she puts up with me thru thick and thin, henceforth standing beside me even when I'm a complete and utter idiot.

6. What is the story of your life?
Someday - Nickelback - Bwahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!! Totally the story of my life. Except that someday may just NEVER come!

7. How was it in high school?
You Owe Me Some Kind of Love - Chris Isaak - Well, guess that sums it up pretty nicely. Got no love from most people in high school, they ever want to see me at any reunion they better show me the LOVE!

8.How can you advance in life?
What You Gonna Do? - Sass Jordan - Guess it's all up to me huh?

9.What is the coolest thing about your friends?
I Know You By Heart - Eva Cassidy - Awwwwwwwwwwwww.

10. What's in store for the weekend?
Hair In My Eyes Like a Highland Steer - Corb Lund Band - Ummmmm....haircut?

11. What song describes you best?
Goodnight, California - Kathleen Edwards - Nope...it would be Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry....and I've never been to California!

12. How about your grandparents?
Cornfields or Cadillacs - Farmer's Daughter - Well my Irish ancestors were given land in Saskatchewan by the Canadian government when they emigrated here, that's more wheat fields, and my English ancestors were loaded (and the depression made quick work of that)....but the Cadillac hadn't been invented yet!

13. How is your life going?
I Wanna Die - Miranda Lambert - Ohhhh not really, except some male issues have made me utter the statement recently - as in embarassment.

14. What song will play at your funeral?
Things I Cannot Change - The Mavericks - Apropos.

15. How does the world see you?
Betty - Chris Cummings - The song is about the characters from the Archie comics, and I always did see myself as Betty, so maybe the rest of the world does too.

16. Will you have a happy life?
When You Say Nothing At All - Ronan Keating - I love the sentiment in that song, so if there's a man who doesn't have to say a word to me and vice versa, I'll be a happy girl.

17. What do your friends really think about you?
We Can Work It Out - Heather Nova - I guess we can overcome any differences huh?

18. Are there people that secretly want you?
Super Duper Love (Are You Diggin' On Me?) - Joss Stone - Apparently there are!

19. How to make myself happy?
Nothing Better To Do - LeAnn Rimes - Does that mean if I have nothing else going I should make myself happy (oh that sounds really bad doesn't it....????).

20. What should you do with your life?
Little Goodbyes - SheDaisy - Hrmmmmmm....I've changed jobs often enough let me tell you!


Hahahaha well that was fun. Thanks Diva!

kiss me I'm Irish

Whoa.

This is going to be quite the weekend. My favorite band Friday, Saturday and Monday nights, parade in downtown Montreal Sunday, and another band Sunday afternoon.

Let the Black Velvets and Evil Green Leprechauns of Death commence! (those are also called Drunken Leprechauns - but they make me feel like death hence the re-name).

Have done a bit of corresponding with "he of the compliment" but think nothing much of it. That's my general state of mind.
I will admit to a bit of a crush though. What am I? Twelve?

Went back to work for the day. My butt hurts. God bless percocet. I think those chairs at work were created by the Marquis de sade frankly. Hard as rock. Only some things I want like that, and it AIN'T my chair at work!

Road trip tomorrow with my girlfriend. Meeting her friend in Ottawa. Should be amusing. We're meeting her in the hotel bar. Of *course* we are! Let the festivities begin!

How bad can I be in Ottawa? I mean, really?

Heh. I will report back if you're lucky on Friday. But probably only Saturday.

snow snow go away

Ok so. Enough of this white stuff! I've had enough and we're due more. Is 50 cms not enough? This is like the snow of my childhood, snow banks taller than I am, we're running out of place to put it (my front yard is very small). That's my house, taken from the street, showing my ever growing snow bank.

Anyway, had a good day yesterday, helped supervise the birthday part of a newly 18-year-old (our drinking age in Quebec). One girl from Germany that was a bit sick...other than that everyone lived through the night. I however got my girlfriend's truck stuck in the driveway, well and truly beached. Dammitall. Guess what I get to do today? Attempt to help the hung over people UN-beach it! Tabernac.

Got a lovely compliment from a lovely man I met the other night when I went to see that film. Cute, but lives 2.5 hours away from me. Was told I was "15 different kinds of fun and 16 different kinds of cute". Made my evening I can tell you right now! Makes up for finding out the crap I did on Friday, regardless of how far away he is and how, chances are, I won't see him again. Made me feel good that someone thought I was fun and cute. Which I am, I just haven't been feeling it lately.

what a disappointment

So I roared out to Ontario hoping to confront the guy. Yeah. Ok then.

Ever have a moment when you wonder if everything you've been told is a complete and utter lie? Wonder what in hell happened to your instincts that were always bang on, regardless of how you felt about someone?

That's what I'm experiencing right now. My intention was to walk into his new business, see him standing there and say "ok you're alive, that's what I wanted to know" and get out. But no. Could not find a business that corresponded with a boss with his name in town. Now, I could have misunderstood, or he could have not been exact in his description and it could be in the next town over (which is about 2 miles drive over the river), but in the town he said...no new business of it's type or any that has changed ownership recently.

So, pissed off, when in my own province (about 1/2 hour later), I called his cell. Well he still has my cell number. He saw my name and turned it off, disconnecting me. Well, more pissed off, called back, got voice mail, and left him a very controlled, but clearly unimpressed message. See he owes me a very small sum of money, which I'm not worried about but he was, to the point of asking for my address so he could mail it so I got it quickly. He did not do so. Which made me wonder what happened to him. So I mentioned it - that even if he didn't want to answer my email or see me, the LEAST he could have done is email it to the address he has for me, and I'd appreciate him doing so.

Sigh. So then I go see my girlfriend's band tonight, some friends of his show up, and then my friend the bartender puts one of his cds in (that he left behind one night when we were there). At least there was no Miranda Lambert or Detroit Red Wings (country singer we bonded over, country in Montreal is rare, and the team he was drafted to in the NHL way back when).

Asshole. Nothing else to say. I hate men sometimes. No, most of the time. I wouldn't do this to someone, how come I get this as a reward for being as nice as I can manage? Karma's a bitch, especially when she skips me when I'm due something good.

Anyway that's the story of today. Yesterday was a blast. My friend and I had a great time, had dinner with 8 other people she either knew a bit or we had never met at all, saw a great film ("Sandstorm" directed by Michael Mahonen, my friend's former acquaintance from the small Canadian town she's from - fictional movie from stories told by people who were Falun Dafa or Falun Gong supporters in China - tortured by the state - something that is still happening, an atrocity), hung out with the director and we just had a fabulous time yakking when we were driving back and forth...it was terrific.

Well, hunkering down for the snow that started a few hours ago. We're told 50 cms is possible here which converts to 20 inches. Shoot me. We have enough damned snow thanks very much. I can't see the street from my living room. If this amount falls like they say, we will break a record set in 1971. Tabernac.

ungh snow

So we got insane amounts of snow yesterday, and my trip to see if my friend the chicken butt man is alive has been postponed. Well, my girlfriend didn't help, decided last minute that staying in with her new boyfriend was the best idea. Then this morning's message that he told her something that has her over the mood....duct tape over her mouth is a great idea right about now.

This is what has me pissed off with her, not the relationship, but the loss of herself into said relationship. Personal pet peeve, I never do that myself, and get irritated when others do. As though I'm supposed to be waiting around for her when the relationship is over... I am super forgiving (unfortunately) but it only happens so many times and then I completely cut the person off. I'm not there yet, but tabernac (good french-Canadian swear word for those not in the know!).

So my other girlfriend and I will do that tomorrow night. I need the liquor commission too and that is the closest Ontario liquor board store to my hometown (Ontario has wines that I cannot get in Quebec, as in Ontario-produced - they rock!). I have 6 empty holes in my wine rack....oh no!!! (self medication for my butt....so sue me!). She is quite looking forward to it. Something about the look on his face as though he was kneed in the nuts....nasty nasty...but she's turning 50 this year, and as she says, it's all about her and how she feels, screw everyone else. We have a girls day and a half in Ottawa (capital of Canada and pretty boring) next week with a friend of hers from New Brunswick, they just don't want the 3 of us out on the town there...look out men! They're flirts and I'm a bitch. Should be amusing :-)

So I'm off to the great burg of Kingston shortly, my friend S should be here in the next 15, so I should feed my animals and take them out, won't be back til after midnight (woot, party animal!). Taking my camera, get a shot of the famous guy and US!

More news tomorrow!

only a week

*this post is co-written by a red mini-smooth Dachshund that is going to be very upset when mom goes back to work - he loves my lap - blame all typos on him

One more week of this sick leave left. And today, my tailbone is killing me, but it's humid something wicked up here right now...we're due another 30 cms of snow overnight (that's 14 inches approximately to you down south of the border).

I am going to a movie viewing at a big university about 3 hours away from here on Thursday with a friend, nice university town, so cheap, fabulous dinner is in order, and then the movie, which was directed by a friend of hers from school way back, he wants us to come say hi before we leave. Why not I say?

And tomorrow night, hoping that the snow is dealt with appropriately by the time "after-work" arrives, is my girlfriend's plan to find out what happened to the guy. More on that after it happens, promise I'll report back. He's a weasel man, or he's in a hospital somewhere (and if he isn't he'll wish he was after my ice cold stare cuts a swath through him!). Great idea she has. Put my questions to rest in that respect.

So everyone asks, how am I feeling? I think numb is the best way to put it. No longer crying, but I'm still not a happy camper. I've just been avoiding situations that make me emotional. Except for tonight, I'm off across the street for pizza with a friend, her kids and her new boyfriend. This is one of the things I am having a hard time with, being left behind relationship-wise by all my friends. It sucks I tell you.

It's amazing how little you can get done in a day if you try. Today? Well, I ate all the meals I'm supposed to (my personal trainer has me eating every 3 hours or so, and I have been having trouble with it while home, as in on weekends, so this sick leave is the best thing to try to train myself to do it when I'm not working!), but I slept the rest of the day away. Pain pills for the tailbone haven't helped, and neither has the migraine. Oh low pressure system, please go away and leave my migraine-addled brain alone!

Time to eat again. I feel like a slug. Or maybe one of my puppies....this is pretty much all they do all day. Sleep, eat. And then they do it all over again.

Yikes.

thank god it's over

So. Birthday done for the year. Thankfully. I hate having the attention on me.

I think I am the most upset/depressed I have ever been for my birthday ever. I went between crying to...yeah let's be honest, I haven't been truly happy in weeks. Seriously.

I feel horribly old and unwanted. Neither of which is true, but I can't shake the feeling if I tried. My friends have been wonderful as they usually are, but I just have such a hard time feeling anything other than tearful or essentially unhappy right now.

Been depressed to the point of requiring meds in the past, so I know what that feels like, this isn't the same. This is as though I haven't allowed myself to feel anything in the past year, year and a half, and that everything that has happened, everything that has gone on is hitting me all at once. Including this last bit with the guy. So I feel ugly, unloved and unwanted, none of which is realistic, I guess I just don't have the thing I really would like.

We had a discussion about successful women tonight at dinner, and how we are not unusual in this day and age, and how one would expect a man would be more than happy to have a self-sufficient significant other, when in fact, it seems quite the opposite. They give lipservice to an independent woman, but in fact, I wonder if in fact they don't want someone that will make sure that the man is needed.

See, I don't need a man in my life. But after the length of time I've gone alone, I've decided that I want one. And that seems to be an impossible quest, one at which, although I truthfully don't look much, well I fail.

Actually, I don't look at all. I find the whole online dating issue to be a losing one, I don't know why I have bothered in the past. I know certain sites work nicely in other Canadian cities, but mine, the online sites are rife with the same old losers, half of which are already attached, so I am not entirely bothered with that any longer. I am out there. That I don't fear, I go see bands play, I'm out curling, I belong to a few Meetup groups, I'm out with friends, I'm almost never home (although that's changed a bit recently). I meet all sorts of people. I guess I'm what others call picky, which I'm not about to apologize for, and I'm just certain of what I don't want in a man (my "don't want" list is longer than my "want" list, I know from experience what is a deal breaker for me and what isn't).

Not certain how being horribly lonely but never alone works. Because that is essentially me. Makes no sense, and yet makes a hell of a lot if you know me at all.

I really don't think I'm that difficult. In fact, I've had that confirmed to me time and time again, and yet, here I am, watching all my friends pair up, meeting a perfectly good man, and then ending up time and time again alone.

If it wasn't for my dogs, I really don't know what I'd do. If no one else does, at least they love me unconditionally.

Taking out my contacts. Crying is difficult with them in. And then I resume my bawling.

For what I have no idea.